When has money been an issue?

Its funny... Over the years, I know I spent a lot of money just on you so much and sometimes I don't think u see that. And I understand every time u get money you spend it on me but I have transferred paid for things that I don't feel that you have considered. So much money that I could have saved and kept until now are all gone cause I don't wanna seem stingy and make you think that all I care is about money.

I know I can save before and I had a set a limit for myself and tried to kept up with that but you made me stop it by the way you frowned upon saying I'm so stingy and I'm still young and should live and now that I am you say I am being wasteful. Before with my first job you said that are accounts are to be equal and yet you didn't work and only earned money from centerlink and I found that a bit unfair but I kept it in to remain the piece between us. Now you say you wanna save by yourself. Is it cause you earn more money then me? I don't understand.

Before you said I am your family and I know you say that grandma is family and I'm your girlfriend like the difference between what you said back then and know and it makes me feel like I am more distant now and like I'm not as important which might not be true but the words you choose and the actions you do makes me feel like that and you don't know how much that hurts. I don't understand and I'm scared to bring it up cause I don't wanna argue with you about these things but they way you said things to be and they way you did try and explain just hurt me. I cant...

I don't know what to do.

Is it just hormones?

How did a great day turn out to be so crap? Recently I have been feeling quite upset and I am not sure I have any logic to why I am upset but then it is just my emotions are screwing up with all my thought process. then again do I even have a proper thought process??? AHHHH!!!! Everything is so confusing right now >.<

I was feeling happy and everything but then things just turn upside down. I discuss some serious matter with Ling not for long but it sort made me unhappy he had his reason and I understood them but for some reason I am not happy with it and I just cant get the point across and if I ask him I know that it wont end well but AHHH!!! I just have some much questions and I do look into the future a lot because I want to be able to have the future I want. I don't know. That can't be sorted out until I talk to him or meet him which is gonna be difficult cause he is gonna be playing games all night or so.

Second thing, is my parents... more specifically my dad. gosh he can be so irritating. the moment he comes home yelling and I forgot what that feels having to come home to him yelling for some reason and then I hear Ling's family full of laughter and happiness and my house is complete opposite and reason why I hate this family why I hate being at home. Another thing, don't take things that are not yours. FAR OUT if it is in my room don't f...ing take it. EVERYTHING I HAVE HAS MEANING AND IS IMPORTANT YOU CANT JUST DO THAT. I am so irritated I feel like I'm gonna explode I cant I just cant take it. >.<

Another Complaint about family or my dad is his way of thinking my GOSH do I hate it. he told me that in his days girls aren't meant to do certain things and for my generation it is different. I SO wanted to tell him well what kind of time period are we in now? We are not in the olden day period and therefore don't need and shouldn't be following those stupid rules. He then says that even in this period girls are meant to do more. WTF Why? how is this just? Why must girls follow all these rules and guys don't? I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND. I think girls and boys are equal and we should all be able to do anything we want. I think girls and boys should know how to cook and work and do whatever cause we individual should be able to take care of ourselves. I HATE HIS POINT OF VIEW. AHHHH F... Really wanna scream and swear.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?! my gosh I need to cool down or something.

Wishful thinking

I really hoped he could come.  i really wanted to spend some time outside his room with him but we rarely ever do it.  it's too late for him to come but. . . i wish he will come after just surprise me but then again. . . thats wishful thinking.  like he once told i always have these things i wish he did but i never or rarely surprise him. . . so in some way i shouldn't expect him to appear in townhall at of no where especially after he finished work and feeling really tired. . . but part  of me still hopes that i will see him in the city waiting after the event. . . i miss him. . . sigh i gotta wake up and stop expecting him to come cause he won't.  wake up just stop hoping cause i will just get shut down =_= missing him

Overreacting. Pressuring. Lonely

Looking over somethings i did  and said. to be honest i regret it but upset about it too. things i did something that i made my friend upset and i was sort of peer pressuring in a way. i admit that i am in the wrong and shouldnt have dealt with something in thay manner. Now maybe i am thinking too much but i feel distant a bit with her cause of it. i dont know a feel a bit off today. so if she reads this i hope she knows i am sorry about what i did. hope she doesnt take it to heart.

Another thing is that i asked Ling if i should go if my friends dont and he said know i told him that i wanted to and why. Ling just said u r 20 not 200 u will have chances in the future but if u wanna go then go ahead. he has a point but still i just dont wanna miss an opportunity like this then again i guess i could u just go pats house and spend a night with him which doesnt sound to bad... sigh just feeling a little depressed with somethings now

Stuggling

When you live with someone you love and don't have to worry about your parents life seems fine. All I needed to focus was to keep the house clean and learn to cook, though I must admit at the time I didn't do a very good job. But honestly, recently things feel really difficult and I am finding it hard to keep up with it. Almost everyday, I seen him something has gone wrong and I just don't understand.

Sometimes, I feel like he is being unreasonable and not understanding my situation. But then again I understand where he is coming from at the same time and I am just struggling to balance things in my life right now. I wanna be able to have time to be at home and eat dinner with my family but I always want days were I can just stay with Ling. Then there is work that just makes things so much more difficult. I don't know what to do right now. I am exhausted and just mental burnt out.

Everyday, I been contemplating about my life and things I wanna do but haven't done it and it bothers me cause I have thoughts that I think will make him Happy then again I am worried about other things and I don't end up doing it. I don't know what I am saying >.<

Sigh...

This week and a bit of last week as well doesn't seem to be going well with me and I am just constantly feeling upset and unhappy and there are time I am happy but everything else around just depresses me. I tired of life right now and just struggling to find a balance.

Sigh...

I am gonna sleep and clear my head, I guess.

Pressure

My heart is hurting. i cant live my life like this what am i to do. I'm dying... drying... >~< help~~~

Please support this

This is something i cate deeply about cause oi love animals. so please if you could spare a few seconds of ur time to sigh this petition it would b great. i mean u already wasted a few seconds on this blog might as well use another few seconds to support this petition. thank you

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I'M 20!!! 20!!!

I havent blogged in quite a long time and was sort of planning to stop but there is this one thing that really bothering me today. my parents kept pestering me to go home and saying they hate my job but i love it. i love the people, i love working at night, i just love it.

What bothers me is that they can stop worrying and just treat me as an adult who can take care of themselves. honestly i am freaken 20 ok i am not in my teens and i for god sake 20. like seriously how long are you gonna treat me like a kid giving me curfews telling me to do this and that. im sick of it. i wanna have some freedom. i know i care but for god sake cant you let me go. let me explore the world my self. let me do what ever i want and if something bad happens that is my fault and my fault alone. let me make my own mistakes. let me be an adult. i cant be independent if you cant just let me do my own thing. freaken hell. so freaken pissed >:(

One Thing I Hate Living with You

I recently been living with my beloved but know. . . I have one problem. . . I becoming more attached to him that. . . it hurts to see him leave or for me to leave the house. I miss him so much that I can hold it in. I wish he didn't go work and I wish I didn't go uni. Sort want time to stop when he is at my house and we can just stay in this house forever and eat and play and just spend our whole life like this. . .

I know, this impossible and soon my parents will come back and then everything revert back to the start. I really wanna move out with him and not to his house but with him in our own little rented apartment. I will learn to cook and do everything to keep that place clean. I will change and make life easier for him and I know he will do it for me. But I just wanna stay with him forever. . .

Sigh. . . then again with everything going on lately. . . I guess I am a little unsure of how my life is gonna turn out. . . his family isn't exactly a big fan of me right now and yeah I understand why. I am working on improving myself. I mean I learnt how to cook steak and that is something. I can clean but just a little lazy but hey things will change and it is easier to clean when he is around and I would clean now but he kind of did that for me already XP.

Sigh, I can't wait til I learn to cook a lot of different kind of food and that he will like. I gonna try build my courage tell my parents, move out and live independently. I will get better so that we can be perfect for each other just wait. . . But I really miss him right now :(

Don't let people put you down.

Hmmm...  Not sure how I should really word this but. . . I been reading and I noticed something that I feel like I have in common with however still very different. Ling makes me feel depressed a lot of the times but I know that what he says is true because I know that I can and should improve myself.

The things he tells me are important aspects of life that I will need if I wanna live through this life especially by myself. But. . . If you know it is not you fault in a relationship then don't let your partner make you think it is. You should know yourself and know what if what you do is correct or not. If you are in a relationship with someone don't make they other person feel bad about something, don't constantly tell them how bad they are cause no one likes to be told that.

If I could help I would but unfortunately fate has separated us and yet I still care even though. . . there is so much things that has happened since then. To be honest, I wish you listened to my side of the story and trust what I said. . . But we can't rewind the time nor can I change what happened. However, I still care and Don't let anyone make you feel like you are trash cause you are not unless you know like me that you need to change something.

Sorry if this blog is a little random and doesn't seem to make sense just wanna say something to someone I knew but I can't really anymore.

Truth Hurts

Everything, I thought has come true and knowing the truth stung more than I thought it would. It is so hard to control my emotions right now. Tears keep streaming done no matter how many times I tell them to stop.

Everything, I was told I already knew and so what had a feeling was gonna happen already. So I guess for the first time in my life, I have actually been a bit more observant I just didn't trust my judgement. All my good mood has gone down the drain but still I'm tryna fight back all my emotions. I wanna change and I have been planning to change ever since. . . a week or more cause since then I realised that something was off I guess.

I really wished that in the past, Ling would have listen to my suggestions about things cause if he did it wouldn't have ended up like it has today. I would have been seen as incompetent but it is all too late now. He ask me to self evalutate about myself so you wanna know what I think about myself well. .

CONS:
- Cant cook
- Very slow in everything I do
- Have no strength
- Cant drive
- Have poor social skills
- Bad and Hate when it comes to confronting people
- Panic too much
- Too emotional
- Blank out in important situations
- Too Stubborn for my on good
- Can be quiet selfish and self-centred sometimes
- No street smart

PROS:
- I'm Kind
- I'm Caring
- Finish things before the deadline
- Book study I can do (though doesn't meant I am smart)
. . . That's all the pros I have for myself. . .

I never had very high self-esteem of myself and I do see myself as someone that is worthless and useless but when I slowly build that up I get knocked down again. So yeah, you wanna know how I view myself there it is. I'm just a useless dependent person and I don't see any point in my existence to be honest. And I wasn't really meant to be in this world since my parents didn't really want another kid but when they were pregnant with me, my mum was gonna abort but my dad decided to keep it. So that is how I entered the world. So yeah, my existence was never that important anyway. . .

Sigh. . . alright I need to end this post before I can't control myself anymore. Plus I gotta do work and I don't want my parents to see me like this anyway. bye bye.

Irritated, Depressed, Annoyed All In One

Far out, I've been having a bad day. Sort of had an argument with Ling and idea what started or why it started but I was annoyed at him and then he got pissed at me. But the whole thing just kind of disappeared after he woke up later. But I was feeling upset about everything and a lot of things are spinning in my head, making me feel so irritated.

Another thing that is getting on my nerves is my parents constant arguing tonight it was sooooo annoying and to be honest my dad is being so unreasonable. Yelling and expecting things that is just absurd. One thing I real find annoying was my dad not letting my mum spend time for herself so she can meet up with her side of the family. All my dad wants my mum to do is accompany him and tour and visit his family. CAN YOU GET ANYMORE SELFISH? I bet if I asked him my future husband didn't let me visit my parents he would be like screw that guy stay away from him or leave me stay with me cause all he cause about is himself.

His logic and stubbornness is so stupid part of me feels that I got most of my stubbornness from him which really bothers me. . . sigh. . . I really just wanna scream and through a big tantrum until I feel better but I don't think that is the best idea.

Feeling Under-appreciated

Do people only look at the bad? Can you not see when someone is trying?

I learned in university that you need to praise students for good work or participation or even just trying so they feel appreciated and acknowledge for the work they put in. Therefore, students will feel more motivated to do better and continue to work hard so they can get acknowledge for their work.

I think it is the same for adults if you don't feel like someone appreciate what you are doing, it makes you feel like why am I doing this? What is it achieving? Nothing so why bother? Those kind of feelings if you do appreciate and you don't act on then likely chances that person will end up giving up.

Why am I saying this? Well. . . I forget. . . But I guess I did feel it a bit before. I honestly wanna change and I am trying but I would like some acknowledge meant or some sort so I don't feel like all my effort is just wasting my time.

I know before I tried and then I return back to my old self so this time I am trying to make it last but right now. With everything going on? I just don't feel it is worth my time. But I still wanna try. . . I'm just can't remember why I wanna do it now. . .

I don't understand

I don't know why maybe I just can't see that other side of the story but why does things have to turn out like this. If I call for u on call why don't you answer and yes I got impatient cause who likes to be ignored and I did just want your attention but I hoped you turn down your music a bit cause it was bothering me. What bother me more was you ignored but I feel like you turn it against and told me that my I wouldn't stop talking for like 10 mins cause I was trying to call for me. . . Was I wrong? I wanted attention and I did make noises or frustration and really at first I didn't have anything to say. I don't get it. I just don't get.

We rarely have any decent talks lately you are either asleep when I am wake or you are working when I am sleeping. You are so tired when I am over that we don't do anything cause you are sleeping and what do I do? I let you sleep cause I know you are tired and I just stay there being you little cuddle toy. But you know what I don't wanna spend time with only to just see you are asleep and I wanna do something with you like go out or eat or play or anything. We get roughly 3 days together not even 3 days and half of the time you are asleep. What do you want from me? I don't get it. Why do I feel like I am in the wrong? Maybe I am cause most of the time I am but... I don't get it. I'm not smart enough o figure this out. sigh~~~ nothing is going so well since he got a job. I cried a lot more than usual. I don't know what to do.

Different times. . .

This post is gonna be a little more depressing then the last but you know I realised something. Now that Ling has work and it is all night shifts we don't get a lot of time together. I mean I see him but. . . when I do he is sleeping and when I need to sleep at night he is either awake or at work. and we don't get a lot of time together.

I'm just worried now that when my parents leave for China, it will be the same thing. When he sleeps in the morning while I sleep at night. . . and. . . I'm just very worried. :(

Where did you all go?

Don't know why, but I felt like looking over all videos made by my high school friends and I missed those times. I miss high school when I could spend time with them all time and laugh and just have fun. Now everything is different. Everyone has moved on with their lives and people began to drift away. I honestly missed wish we could all still be together be things change and we all just started move apart.

I am so grateful that I still have my best friend from high school still walking along side me. I wish that we can still be best friends until the end and when she does read this, I hope that she is well and that she is feeling as happy as I am. . . (Well, I'm not exactly happy cause of assignments but still)

I miss you guys and hope you are all well. ^.^

Pain snaps u out

Sometimes pain is a relief. The only thing that seem to completely make me calm down from breaking down is physical pain. He had to take away the rare few nights that i get with him. My heart, my mind just crumbled.  My sadness got the better of me and couldn't hold it and i just cried feeling this overwhelming wave of depression. I had to stop myself from falling to hard and i needed to stop myself. So i clawed my left arm. I scratched my arm till it was red and still sting afterwards no blood though.  After that i felt calmer and writing up this blog calms me even more.

To be honest i don't know what's wrong with me.  I'm just feeling depressed and some reason everything Ling's doing makes me unhappy. I shouldn't stop him from doing what he wants and i can't. . . What's wrong with me. I cant do this anymore. . . Gosh. . . Alright i gotta go distract myself.  I cant let him know about this cant >~< he can't know I'm dying inside TT^TT

Clumsy to the max

My gosh, not sure if it is karma or that I'm just getting more and more clumsy but I've been hurting myself so much recently. Don't worry not purposely at I think I'm not. . .

Anyway, every since last night I keep bumping into things or scratching myself on rough surfaces and just kicking things accidently and my gosh it hurts. In the past few hours I think I hurt myself about like 10 times already. I feel like its Karma for thinking selfishly or maybe it is just me being to clumsy recently cause I'm kind in a. . . depression mood. . . Not sure but I gotta be careful I think.

Sigh. . . I decided to go back to my creative side and start sewing to past the times when I don't have Ling. Just random thought I had today and random thing I wanna add before I end this post :)

Cried for the first time in a while

I feeling. . . depressed and I guess a little lonely. Even though I spent hours with him it feels like nothing because all I do is lay there playing my on phone games and doing whatever I can to just past the time. I don't wanna be spending my time with him only to be snuggling partner. I love him and I really wanna be able to spend time with as much as possible especially when we are busy but. . .

I understand he is really exhausted from work and I understand that I cant be selfish and not let him sleep just so he can spend time with me but it doesn't mean I cant be a little upset and lonely that all I get is a few hours are week to really just talk to him and hang out with him but most of the hours that I am with him a filled with him sleeping and hugging me like a pillow.

The one thing I look forward to now that he has work is being able to stay on a skype call with all night and I can only do that 2 days a week since he doesn't wanna skype me if he has work or uni the next day and I obviously can't when he is at work so there is really no chance for it now. Yet he forgets today. . . I guess I need to be more understanding but right now I sort of just wanna sulk and feel upset and lonely. . .

I guess I hide this feeling from him cause I don't want him to know about it. He needs me to be understanding and not someone who is only think about herself. I need make it seem as though I am ok and I wanna be able to be there for him. But tonight I think I will just let my feelings out by myself and forget about it the next morning.

Sorry if I been ranting a lot in my blogs I sort need a outlet to all my emotions so I don't end up saying things to Ling or my friends that potential called cause bad things to happen

Left Behind. . .

This is obviously me thinking too much but you know, it as been bothering me. It could be because of my mood swings or just generally that I hate change.

So Ling, got a new job and I guess it was about time that he did. He loves his new job though, he loves the pay, the atmosphere, his new friends. . . collegues. . . I don't know why it bothers me so much in fact I should be happy for him and truth be told I am but I am also hating it too. You see, he works at the Star which is pretty much a casino place and he is training to be a dealer.

What bothers me is he works night shifts and I always hear him tell me about the girls in his team. Part of me like that he tells me these things but the other half is jealous and I am a very jealous person also a little possessive and clingy. . . Maybe a lot actually. I know I need to let him go not worry about him working with these girls but I can't help it.

I wish he didn't sometimes and I wish that I nothing changed but I know I can't wish that and I'm glad he is improving himself. Now that comes down to me. . . I don't have a job anymore and I'm feeling left behind like he is improving and moving into his future while I feel like I am stationary. . . Maybe I'm jealous about him doing something or being able to change while I'm not. . .

Sigh. . . Now reflecting on what I typed up I think I am a little too selfish and self-centred. Hmmmm Alright I guess I need to look at this differently. I am glad that Ling is finally getting somewhere and doing something in his life and I am happy for him. Just hoping he doesn't leave me behind. For me, I gotta get me act together. I will try find a job something with good pay that way I won't be relying on pat cause I don't wanna have to rely on him for money.

Sigh. . . I miss him now. . . :(

Inherited treasures

I have an icon presentation for one of my units at uni, so I was looking through some valuable items my mum has that was passed down to her from my grandmother. A lot of them were real pearls, gems jades and everything and jades are very important.

After a while of looking, I couldn't help myself but ask about the time when my grandmother passed away. I remember back then my mum was on the phone with my grandmother while my mother was in America. Mum told me that my grandmother didn't really say anything and seem to be already a little out of it. I didn't ask any further cause I knew that it would bring up sad memories.

At that time I was still in Australia, and I didn't actually go back to visit my grandparents and it was so unfortunate that my grandmother happened to fall ill and pass away while my mum was out exploring America. Just thinking how she felt on the phone, at the time not be able to see her at her death bed. . .

Sigh. . . I may not have been super close to my grandmother but I miss her and I really don't wanna miss my opportunity to see my grandfather again. I really wanna go meet my grandfather before I don't have the chance anymore. I really really wanna go :( sigh. . . I should stop thinking about it, cause it makes me feel a little upset. sigh I miss you grandpa

Street Smart

I'm not sure what's wrong with me today. But I'm been feeling a little a bit down today and tired which might be affecting my mood however that is not what I wanted to blog about.

I'm just feeling dumb today. Like I can learn intellectual through books, and stuff and do ok in exams but other than that I am pretty dumb. I have zero street smart skills and I'm not that great when it comes to interacting with people. I don't know how I am gonna be able to proceed through life without these skills.

In the world you don't get better jobs or do well in society solely on just being smart and intellectually. It doesn't matter if you Aced your exams or  came first in your class or school. What matters is your first impression and how you present yourself to others. You need to know what to say or what not to say. You need to be smart about everything and choose the best options to get what you want. I just don't have that basic knowledge how to avoid getting n trouble or talking others and I'm just generally not good at all this socialising kind of things.

I don't know because of this I feel dumb like no matter if I even try in uni I feel that if I don't have basic street smarts or social skills I might end up going no where in my life. What do I do? =.= Feeling a little down

No Feelings

Have you ever felt like you cant feel anything? I know I have been depressed to the point I have no feelings but this time. . . It is different I don't think I am depressed maybe I'm just tried but what ever I think about sad or happy I just feel no emotion. Like I feel like a lifeless soul almost.

I wanna talk to Ling about stuff but then cause of what I feel I'm not sure what I say would hurt or not or if I'm just overreacting or over thinking. I feel so messed up with my thoughts and I can't organise them. I don't understand whats happening right now. . . Maybe I'm just too tired. sort of just wanna hide away in a little cave until everything comes back. . . I don't know whats wrong with me right now. . .

Where Am I Going?

Been reading my friends post today and catching up since I haven't been on the blog in a while now. She seems to be so stressed out about her future and goals and to be honest I doubt many people out there even know where they are heading into the future cause you know things change and we change. We need to just live day by day and figure what we want know and not be concerned about what will happen in the future.

Then again, even though I say live in the present and don't think about the future I cant say that I don't think about my future cause truth be told I don't know where I am headed and I'm not even sure if teaching is the correct path for me. I am pretty nervous about going on prac this year but I guess it gives me an idea on how well I hand kids and show me whether I am ready.

I don't know but recently. . . things haven't be going well for me family wise. So much things I should be worrying about but I feel so. . . calm about like nothing is wrong. To be honest everything at home is like the same old things and I'm just so sick and tired of it to even care about it right now.

. . .

Sorry for the randomness in this blog. Just wanted to blog about somethings in my head.

Banned Finally

So, finally justice has been brought. The guy from the game I was planning that rich cocky hypocrite finally got banned. . . from the chat section. . . for 7 days. . .

Ok it isn't for long but justice is brought and hearing Ling tell me what he said to the GM's and other players makes me feel so happy cause I feel so protected with him. He email the GM on his horrible language on me and how this language he used can not be looked over cause no one should deserve that treatment. But honestly I think the ban is too late. He shouldn't be even allow in this server because he won't change. Sooner or later he will start another conflict cause almost all conflicts involves actually I mean all conflicts. I haven't seen one that doesn't involve him That is saying something.

If he is involved with conflicts with everyone than isn't it obvious who the many problem is. I wish the GM sees how this guys really is despite how much he puts in this game.

How Selfish can you be?

Funny thing I realised how selfish my dad is. He keeps telling me that he puts in parents first then his brother and then his kids. What hurts more was that he said that if his parents and brother were here he wouldn't even care about me care me cause I am third on his list.

But then I realised how selfish he really is cause his parents are not coming back and I guess half the reason his says this is cause he is guilty of how he treated them in the past. His brother is in America and not possible to move to Australia now. so all is left is me. But behind all this he is telling me that parents are more important indicating that I should be like him and care about him more than my sister and my future kids. His is telling that his he is the most important person in my life.

I think I can decide who is important in my life. If you think about it what kind of kid would treat their parents with so well but in return not treated equally. He even told me genetically how much ur linked with ur family saying that ur 20% genetically linked with ur kids which if u think about means ur 20% genetically linked with ur own parents as well and therefore your siblings are the most closely related person should siblings be genetically more important?

I don't understand him and I don't wanna anymore. Someone he thinks like that and treats other crap isn't someone I respect of agree with any of his views.

To me those who truly love you and care for you do not use you for there own benefit. If someone loves and cares for you understands you and if you are so important on their "list" they would think about you before themselves.

I admit I can be selfish at times too but compared to my dad it is just seems petit. I just can't believe him. He even says that your friends a pretty much not even related to maybe with only similar interest and in 10 years they would be gone. I don't believe this. Friends would last forever if you put in the effort to stay connect obviously your friends need to put in similar efforts. Friends are not people you can talk to and have similar interests. Friends are people you can connect with and let out your deepest secrets too. People you trust and cares for you and not ever friendship needs to be made with similar interests. Some people who have similar interest can be friends but not true friends if they can not mentally and emotionally connect with and trust.

Just everything my dad says is just stupid. I don't wanna be like him ever. If I am basically placed 3rd on his list then why should he have the right to be placed first in my list. the first person on my list should be the person who loves me no matter what I do and I can only think of a handful of people which are my mum, Ling, my best friend and maybe my sister. Though my mum probs come first cause I know that what ever I do she will always be with me and ling and my best friend there are very small chances that something I do that could break us apart but I say that they are almost impossible to do. So ling and my best friend is right behind my mum.

... Not sure what I'm getting at anymore. But all I know my dad just. . . sigh. . . no words can even describe it.

Is Money Everything?

what has happened to humanity? There is no justice, no care, no love anymore. As long as you have money you seem to get away with anything. Currently playing a game, called Super Evolution or Pika Q. It seems that the people behind the game seem to care more about the money then what happens to players in game that are getting harassed be spoiled rich teens.

In the server I am playing, there is a rich teenage kid who has an attitude problem (tbh not sure if he is even a teen). But this kids pays a lot of money in game and anything that people say that he thinks is offensive to him he begins making rude comments and calling horrible names. Anyone that is against gets the same treatment and he doesn't even let the conflict go on and on for days. People involved try to be the bigger person and take the high road and ignores him but there is so much you can tolerate

When I first reported this incident a couple of nights ago they told me give him another chance. Sure I give him another chance after he had multiple times insult my game friends, my bf and myself. But sure he deserves another chance right. That night he starts another argument this time I just for defending my BF got pulled into his rant where he called me horrible names one he used most was a "slut." A random guy, who doesn't know me at all and who said he is a teen using such words on a game is just not right. I have reported him once again but no response so far.

But I feel that my compliments will not be taken seriously because you know why? Because this rich kid would spend thousand of dollars in this one game and of course the game developers won't wanna ban a rich kid cause they lose all that money. So everyone in the server has to suffer from his irritating and bad attitude. Till when? This guy clearly has no manner and so hot tempered but justice won't be given cause money can take away everything. Who needs justice when you go money. If  spent more than him I probably get some attention. If I was famous I probably get people to respond to how horrible this guy is. Unfortunately I'm not. I wasn't given a silver spoon by birth like he is. Geez this person, this game. pisses me off so much.

First time in 3 years

Well so recently everything has been going fine between Ling and I. All my worrying and depression have all gone and today something happened that I felt might have just restore most of the damage from last time. You see, Ling have invited me to lunch with his family to celebrate his Aunty's bday.

So I arrived later than I was meant to cause I slept in but still I arrived around 11. Knocked on the window like I always do and everything was good and happy until I arrived at the front door. He came out and everything on his face told me everything wasn't good and happy. For the first time I see him cry so much and his eyes so red something that normally fits me but it wasn't on me this time.

I was worried that I shouldn't have come and that they were made cause he invited me but inturns out to be something different. It was the first time, I have seen this what Ling calls it his "Weakest side" and it was the first time I sat there comforting him hugging him and consoling him until he was back to his normal self. 3 years and I have never seen this side of him and I know I have heard him over the phone and everything but never seen it in person.

I felt so happy yet sad to see him this way. Happy not in a bad way but more that I was able to be next time in his time of need and there so I can comfort him and make that moment better than it would have without me. I was obviously sad to see him so depressed and it has been a habit for me to cry when I see other cry. Not sure why I do that but I tend to cry just a little while after someone else cried.

For example year 7 in high school my best friend started crying, can't remember the reason but because of that I cried and I don't even know why I cried so I just made up something so that it seems like I am crying for a good reason. Hahah... I don't know why I cried back then or cried today but it is just what I do. Maybe it is empathy feeling the pain or sadness someone else does. . . Not to sure but I cried with Ling, less then he did cause I tried to stay strong and positive for my love.

But I am glad I could have been there to help him. I felt even happier I was with him when he told me that today it made him feel more certain that he wanted me as his wife because of my presence during his time in need. This and or intimacy I felt with him today made me sure that today restore all or most of the damage from our last fight. :)

Something Changed

So today was a busy day cause Ling, my sister and her BF, IK, came over to help my mum move some furniture so we are able to buy a new sofa. Everything was going great, they boys moved things while my sister and sat back and watched. My mum trying to help as much as possible but with her injury and her age it was not a lot she could do.

After we had lunch and conversed with each other and it was fun. We had Yumcha and everyone seem to have fun. A little problem occurred when Ling wanted me to come home with him for dinner to eat steak but then my mum said my dad wanted to eat hot pot and it is lonely for them if it was just the two of them. I didn't want to be caught up in this situation so early after our little quarrel before but Ling was being a good person and said I should have dinner with my mum knowing my struggle.

This isn't what is bothering me though. Today, I was being the best person I can hoping Ling was mad anymore and I could get him to be like himself before. But you know after lunch, we sent my mum home and we left for Ling's house for about a couple of hours. We slept for most of the time but the whole time I was with him. . . Something was different between us. Maybe it was what happened to nights ago or maybe it is just me but. . .

I don't know, imagine if you have a love gauge for ur relationship and there is a line for each stage of how your relationship is progressing. Well if you imagine that love gauge and it was pretty high and everything is going great but then. . . something happened between you and him. It could be a fight, or just something else that was different from before and you feel this distance a bit. You look back at the love gauge and it seems as thought it dropped down quite a bit. . .

I don't know if I am making sense or not but I just get the feeling or love isn't as strong as before and I am a little worried. I don't want anything to change between us at least not for the worst. I want to be able to be like before or lovey dovey. . . not that we weren't today but it was different less closeness and intimate. . . Mentally I guess. . .

Sigh. . . Maybe I am thinking too much.

Can't Breathe

I'm struggling. So much pain. So much. . .

Today I've been waiting. Every buzz my hearts starts pounding out of my chest but I end in disappoint and sadness. As the day progress I find it hard and hard to breathe and I could feel my heart tighten like someone is tugging it. This feeling is very uncomfortable. As night comes closer my hearts get tight my breath gets short and I can feel me losing myself again.

Don't wanna feel this anymore. I wanna cry but been holding it back all day. I been faking a smile all day but it just makes my heart and my mind feel worst. I wanna let it out but I can't I'm suffocating so much. I don't want people to get a bad on the person I love but. I need relief and blogging is where I release all my emotions and anxieties. can't keep them in cause I feel like they are eating me alive.

I actually didn't get in much sleep last night and being anxious all day so I am exhausted and honestly I wanna be able to get some sleep cause that way I might have sweet dreams then spend time in realities torture. Sigh. . . I'm just gonna try finish up my game tonight and just sleep tomorrow would sort out itself. . . Good or Bad, I'm just have to fast it. . .

U can fool the world but not urself

Faking a smike is hard. Especiallywhen u r working and u have to interact with customers and workers. U need to force a smile hide ur emotions and dont let anyone know (reminds me frozen now). Anyway it is so hard. My eyes are still sore. All i wanna do is sleep. Im not hungry or very energetic. I'm a little dazed and cant concentrate. When i think of yesterday my heart cringe as if i was opening up the old wound.

Why do forcing a smile seem so hard it just uses a couple face muscle. . . But im it is tiring it hasnt even been half a day and im already exhausted... back to work i guess

Choose both and lose all or choose one

Never felt so much pain in my life and haven't cried this much in quite a long time. Never thought the one that always made me laugh could bring so much pain out. Never thought the person who should understand me the most seem to not understand me at all at the same time. I love him so much that thought of losing him sends me in a spiral of sadness that I feel that I could never come up from.

I don't understand. what is really my fault this time. . . maybe. There is a lot of things that I should have done that could make the whole situation better but at the same time I wish people could just understand me. Understand how I feel but then again my sister never seemed to care about the rules at home why should I.

I think I am fear my dad or is it I just don't wanna bring conflict to the house. I'm so confused. Honestly I feel like eloping to somewhere no one knows me and right now even death itself doesn't scare me like it usually would. I fallen so far deep I cant really feel anything but that not entirely true the moment I think of what cause this spiral of sadness I just spin further and further down the tunnel while tears just comes out like no end.

I'm tired but I cant sleep so much on my mind. I don't wanna have to deal with this but I know who I want to choose then what is stopping me.

AHHHH~~~~ I can't do this I can't. the pain the thoughts everything its too much. I can feel it. Depression it is slowly creeping back into my life, at least it is trying to. I'm going down that track again soon, the track of self harm. Not yet, but if things worsen well. . . I can't guarantee that I fall down a deeper depression then I ever have.

I can't do this. I just can't think right now. . . I tried so hard to avoid it but what happens happen. Sigh... Sorry about this random thought. I need to get things off my mind right now. My mind such a mess so if u read this it is probably a mess to. so if u don't understand then it is ok cause never do I. I just typed whatever was on my mind.

Need to get some sleep right now. . .

Inequality

I know I just made a post about how boys are more privileged but I just so happened to read a friends blog about wage gap between women and men which links to my thoughts exactly on how boys are more advantaged then girls. I could go on about how there are so much the boys are given privileged to that girls are not.

I agree that this society has so much thing that needs to be improved and yet it is not. If you look at society you know that if you are a white, wealthy male that you are basically given a golden spoon in life unlike the rest of the world. Someone like me who is an Asian female (I know I am luckier then most) I probs get a plastic spoon or maybe a wooden one.

But you know what this world is unfair. Why must girls have to deal with lower pay, and be stereotyped to be a housewife? Why must Indigenous Australian be treated with even worst pay then White Australians or treated differently when the walk in the streets? Why must everyone believe that boys are better, white race is better?

You know you are brought in school to be equal and treat everyone equal. But in society it is like a big smack in the face cause nothing you are taught is actually used. If everyone was equal why wouldn't have issues of wage gaps, or racist issues or poverty issues.

Sigh this society is just so messed up. You know If I could choose who I wanna be born as. I wanna be born as a White Australian Male because who doesn't wanna be born with a golden spoon.

If I was born a. . .

Do you ever think about how different life would be in you were born a boy instead of a girl or born a girl instead of a boy?

In this world, in this society, according to my dad (who I must say seems to still live in the past) thinks that boys would always be more favoured or lenient against somethings that women would not get away with. According to him, girls need to know how to care for the house, clean, cook do every household chore. Meanwhile, men like him how work can come home and just lounge on the couch and do nothing. All he does is complain, things he can do I cant do. It is just that he is such a big hypocrite.

He says you treat this house as a hotel and you don't do anything in the house. Yeah well ur the one to talk. Like you clean the house, take out the rubbish or do ANY of the household chores just cause you earn all the money doesn't mean you have control of everyone and everything around you.

You know what this house it nothing to me. Nothing because a house where you live gives you shelter, warmth, love and safety. Like I always say before what this house brings to me is emptiness, horror, fear and sadness. Who in the right mind wants a house like that. If you want me to leave just say the word. I will go. I leave without looking back and don't ever regret your decision.

I HATE how boys get the advantage over some many things at home. They can get away with a mess room, or coming home late or having girlfriends. I know if I was a boy he would not tell me off for coming home late or getting a girlfriend or having a mess room. I would get away with anything at home. I just know it.

This is just at my home though. I know in real society so many get treated worse depending on the situation. For example, rape, everyone thinks that guys are all ways the ones that rape someone but there are maybe not a lot but there are girls rapist in the world. and from what I heard sometimes girls and get away in society with a few tears while a guy are usually believe to have bullied the girl or done something and instead they are the one at fault when in fact the girl in tears made a mistake.

The world is just unfair. No matter how you look at it, there is always gonna be cases where boys have more of an advantage of girls and few times that girls would have advantages over boys. Similar to any other issues such as racist, white people tend to always be treated better than any other. Not saying it is always like that but majority of the time boys over girls and white race over any other.

Is it fair? No. Can we change it? Maybe. But the time we are living now, unfairness and unequal rights are everywhere you look. Deny it if you want but face the facts. This is our life and our children in the future would be brought into a world like this. I wanna make a change. I will teach my children that this is not acceptable. Boys and girls are equal they are able to do anything and everything that wanna and no one can say otherwise. I will teach them that the colour of skin doesn't determine how you are because what matter is ur heart, ur mind, ur personalities that matters and you shouldn't be treat differently because of your appearance.

I am becoming a teacher and I would hopefully teach my students about this, hoping that there family don't imprint an old fashion mind set like my parents. I hope the world would change. This right now, even though it is better than the past the traces of unjust acts are still present.

Lets all change that. We need to make a stand for it.

Choose one and lose the other.

I can only make one side happy. If u choose family i lose love if i chose love i lose family. But if i look at it if i chose my love i get a new family and likely better than what i have  on the other hand if things don't work out i lose my love and family. If i chose family i may have lose the love of my life and the fact i don't even like being in the house makes it a whole lot worse.

Sigh i don't wanna chose and i hate making either side unhappy. I dont know what to do.  I'm scared. I dont wanna lose my love but i don't wanna see him angry. Fear is taking control over me. What to do? Helpme i feel trapped TT^TT

Feeling alone even when you are near

For the first time, i felt alone even though i was with Ling. His new game took up so much of his time that. . . I feel he forgotten about me. I would like to have cuddle more with him and kiss him and have very cute happy moments with him.

Friday. . .  Though we had intimate times but it was so little compared to the rest of the day. Feeling sad, that I couldn't get enough time to spend with him and then I have to wait 3 whole days before I can see him. To some people that is such a short amount of time but to me it feels like forever, >~<

Never changed

Back to my old self. The same person who can't control there emotions. The same person that was all selfish and thought about herself. That same person I wanted to avoid and hated. It is all back at control it and change what's wrong with me. : .

Maybe cause I am exhausted and I'm just not thinking properly. Maybe that is just me giving me any excuse for myself. Getting depressed all over again. Emotions taken control of me and going back to thinking what's is the point of my existence. Why on earth was I brought into this world. Was it just to make everyone life miserable or hard. I can't do anything right. I feel what ever I do just annoys other people and cause them more trouble. So what is the point of me being on this earth. . .

Feel like nothing has changed. Feel like crap and feel like just a big stupid trouble maker. Can't do this TT^TT

So Conflicted

Today was the best day and the worst, all in one. . . Best things that happened was I got to spend time with my friends and have lots of fun with them but also I laughed so much I started crying one of my first experiences ever. That was fun.

Things that happened bad today were quite a few. I felt like today was just a day I could get really easily irritated or maybe not. I don't know. . . Anyway, so first thing I was upset about was being pissed about getting teased on a lot it sort just got to me but I did let it go. (I think it was cause I was hungry might be part of the reason.)

Another thing that happened I argued with Ling about a game that he wanted and it was just mainly about money to buy it and then once I decided to let him he didn't want it and ahhh it was just annoying. I knew the feeling of waiting something but then not waiting it because of the argument but this is the first time it happened to Ling and not me.

Another thing, is more like I felt bad about was. . . I told something to Ling that I shouldn't have. I didn't get to say it then cause I didn't know how to act and didn't say it after cause I felt I left it for too long. But I do need to say that I am SORRY~~~. I have to be honest I tell Ling everything. The only things I don't tell is when I know exactly that this information can not be told cause the person told me. I am not very. . . bright or have that common sense about these things. Some things I feel it is ok to say and others I don't know. Probs in future should stop talking about anything private related all together. I shall try work on that.

The last thing that happened which top the day with the worst events ever is. . . I had another disagreement with Ling. He wanted me to stay in his car for a little longer and I was very agitated cause I didn't wanna upset my dad. I just really didn't wanna hear him yell. But I didn't wanna disappoint Ling. I ended up upset Ling and probs would have upset my dad too if my mum hadn't told him earlier about me getting him some cigarettes which Ling had given me the day before.

It was my fault again. I got so agitated that I panicked and freaked at a lot and sort of made a scene. But Ling this time was so. . . calm didn't get angry like he usually would but in the end he explained to me his thoughts and everything about what happened. I was calm and I did feel bad. But I also wish he understand that I really don't wanna disappoint anyway. I feel in this kind of scenario I either disappoint Ling or my dad.

I just. . . I really don't wanna upset my dad so I would like to be home relatively early and I wish he could just be understanding and let me. . . But I understand he wants to spend as much time with me as he can and to be honest I would be much happier in his arms that at home. AHHHH. . . I just I'm so conflicted. I don't know what to do to change so that I could make Ling happy but not upset my dad. But I can only do one or the either it seems. . . AHHH. . . It is just so frustrating. I CAN'T DO THIS >~<

Feeling. . .

I dont know. . . Yesterday i had dinner with Ling's family again but i felt. . . Forgotten or neglected. I mean im technically not a part of this family yet but. . . I didn't like the feeling at all.

First thing, i would that happen was that they all watched a video and i wanted to see it but when i asked he didnt hear and was looking for something else. Maybe i was just to quiet but i didnt like that feeling.

Other parts that made me upset was that he decided things for me. One of the decisions i can understand but the other. . . I didnt like. His sister order caesar salad and i do like it but Ling said i dont like vegetables which it isnt true. There other part that i can understand was taking my wedges to give her auntie. I understand the reason but o wish he told me beforehand.

I don't know... just didn't like the feeling this one time.

Looking Over A Past

Can you see someone differently if they have changed? After experiencing traumatising events involving a specific person can you still see them differently if they changed?

Maybe I am being stubborn or my mind just cant erase the past but. . . what I seen him do back then would always remain in my head. I can't forgive and forget especially if this person can't completely repent for what he has done. I have no right to forgive and forget when the actually person involved can't do it.

I know many people experienced worst and to be honest I was just a bystander but think about it. As a kid when you see violence in the family what would happen psychologically. How would a young child perceive such events. He broke what could have been a happy family. He never rebuilt what he has destructed nor can the victims forgive him for what he has done. My family will always be torn in pieces.

It is this that makes me distant from him. It is this shattered family that keeps me running from this house. I don't wanna be at home cause I could be happier else where. But to me he is different. Different to the person that tore our family. . . well he still keeps the family apart but he is still different around me. . .

I don't know what I could do. What I should do. . . He confuses me so much. So much I can't grasp just yet. Why can't I piece together the one family I have? Should I just give up on it completely and make my own? Sigh~~~ I don't know

Need to Change

I know usually i post about how much i dislike my dad for all the things his done to everyone else in my family. But i feel guilty recently for being so cold and distant with him. I see him trying so hard to win my affection but what he has done in the past will alwayd be drilled inside my brain. My view of him cant be changed so easily.

But i have to say, i wanna try be a little less cold against and try stop myself from avoiding him too much. He is nice to me and today he did something made me feel. . . Touched and guilty at the same time. Apparently he ran up and down the train station just to give me 2 cakes he brought just so that he could give it to me before my train came. Unfortunately the train i told him i was catching wasnt the one i was actually catching. I was going in the other direction.

Sigh I've been feeling bad today about my relationship with my dad. I wanna change it even though i still see him likei used to but he is nice to me either for selfish reason or not. Regardless of that, he has treated me ok and i need to change my attitude towards him a bit. I think. . .

Feeling Controlled

I didn't sleep well last night, I had a very. . . uncomfortable dream. In the dream I felt control. My whole life and everything I do was controlled. The people controlling me was Ling's aunty and my own mum. They both somehow got access to my bank account and figured out how much money I have used and decided to control my spending and savings and everything to do with my won finance which annoyed me so much.

I couldn't even get it back. This dream forced me to wake up but I still couldn't escape it cause once I feel asleep again the dreams comes back with a little different and once it had Ling's aunty and grandma and they took my money for themselves which irritated me so much. I feel like this dream was related to how I felt that Ling was getting to controlled by his family.

To be honest, it sounds fair that he is being control due to what he has done but I still don't like it which I think this is the reason why I had the dream. . . It was so uncomfortable, to me at least.

Reverting Back To The Real Me

You know, it just hit me on Thursday night how much I have changed over the years and I realised how self-centred and selfish I had become. This made me feel so horrible and devastated. You see Ling had a big issue happen at home that night and before I used to be so worried for his sake. I worried if he was ok and what is happening. I was just cared so much about him and it hurt me to see him in pain or depressed. But this time I thought 'Nooo, I am going to be alone the next day cause I can't see Ling and I wanna see Ling. I just neglected my love cause I thought of only myself.'

When I realised this, I saw how much I have changed. How bad I have become now? So from that night I decided to make a change, I need to turn myself back to my high school years, that more thoughtful and caring person that I was. Of course I can't go all the way back cause there are new things I need to pick up and use so that I can become a better person and girlfriend for my love.

We dated 3 years and to be honest, not matter how many flaws he has I can't help but stay in love with him. I love him so much that I can't stop thinking about him. I sort of feel like our relationship has turn for the better these days almost like our high school years when we were infatuated with each other. It isn't complete like that but when I am with him I feel that way.

So recently I have made a changed, Ling even agrees though I still had some parts that hadn't changed but it was much better. I know Ling was happy during the times when I was around. But I can't just stop here I must improve and develop our relationship high and better until we are inseparable. ^.^ We are both gonna change ourselves to be better for each other. I hope. . .

Development of Personalities

I realised it is very interesting in understanding how you develop you own personality and values. I believe your parents, surroundings, siblings and friends have big contributions to how you turn out as a person. In my uni study of educational psychology, I discovered a infants first experiences are crucial in how they would eventually turn out.

I am have strong feeling that due to my parents working a lot back then and left me with a nanny who didn't really look after me or nurture me. From what I gather my mum, she said I usually hid underneath a table while she play mah-jong with her friends. These kind of actions may have result in my insecurities and how introverted I am. But it isn't to say that it has a big contributions to it to.

But it is important that you provide as many positive experiences to your baby and give it the attention and love it needs and maybe that child will end up being much more opened in the future. I don't know but as I think about these things I feel that everything that I seen in my family, they arguing and other things they have done made me to be who I am and to be honest I am not that please with the outcome.

But is hard to make yourself open up and start talking to random people cause to me I have nothing interesting to tell or and hobbies that I love to do that I may be able to use. I am socially not experienced and feel like such a young kid that I feel that I won't be able to fit in with people my age now. . .

Ok I have no idea what I am trying to get at anymore. . .

I guess I am trying to say is that, I wanna have a happy family and provided my child with the necessary experiences so that she wouldn't turn out like me. I hope that she would be open and make lots of friends and never get hurt by anyone. I would like her to have many social experiences so she understands how people are and she could be smart in the friends she make or the people she choose to be with. I wish I was able to turn out to be someone more open and less. . . me, I guess.

Sigh,  I don't know what I am saying but I do know I wish I was more of any extravert, someone open and more social able.  

Friendless

Talking to Ling and he made me realise something. I think I have lost another friend, not in the same way but as time goes on our relationship would grow further and further apart. She was the 2nd person that I was closet to but then she always believe that she would lose contact with high school friends and make friends in Uni. Now she has made friends in Uni and I feel that slowly since we don't contact each other often or friendship will soon fade into nothing.

If I lose my best friend, then it would be like I made no friends in high school whatsoever and I would only have my family friends R.Z and A.Z. I am worried that I would lose them to especially with one of them cause on family things and if I lose her too it would hurt so much cause she is the longest friend I have ever had. I don't wanna lose her ever and R.Z but they have their own friends and it just feels like that I might just lose them in the end too.

If  I lose all my friends, all I have is Ling but if things don't work out with him. I have no one, one at all and just got my thinking how my sister use to be like you have no friends and no one likes you and things like that. I knew she was joking back them but it feels like it is true. Maybe I am just thinking too much but one thing Ling said might be true is that friends come and go. I just really want the ones I cherish the most to stay with me forever. Please Please don't leave me guys. Don't leave me alone. TT^TT

Cry-lender

Fridat 22nd of April:
Cried with Ling over something private that was effecting our relationship/ sort of a little fight.

Saturday 23rd of April:
Cried because it finally hit me that I couldn't see Ling for 10 days

Sunday 24th of April:
Cried Because I really missed Ling and I didn't know how I would cope without Ling

Monday 25th of April:
Cried again cause I missed Ling and Cried because my mum said she doesn't love me and she was angry at me.

Tuesday 26th of April:
Cried not as much but because I still missed Ling.

Wednesday 27th of April:
Felt tears in my eyes cause again, I'm still missing Ling.

Thursday 28th of April:
Watery eyes but thinking of Ling and the day ahead me. Big improvement

Friday 29th of April:
A few drops of tears because Friday's morning loneliness was too much to take and cried because I was unhappy with Ling and then I realised was upset even more cause I realised Ling was upset and I didn't cheer him up.

Saturday 30th of April:
Cried because I am horrible friend and I felt upset cause I found out something didn't I didn't know was happening.

Sunday 1st of May:
Aim: No More Crying.

Sigh this week has been the worst one this year. But I am making a change. . . hopefully.

For A Friend

I don't know what is wrong.
I don't know why you are upset.
I don't know what you bad habit came back
I don't know anything unless you tell me.

I have a very special friend, I have known her for about 7 years now. I have felt what it is like to feel distant from you and I have felt what it is like you feel close with you. But right now, I can feel you pain and I feel your sadness. It might not be as strong as how you are feeling but I can feel it. It hurts me more than anything to see you like this. I feel like crying cause I just don't know what I can do especially when I don't know anything.

This reminds me of the holiday that we barely spoke to each other because you were feeling depressed and upset about things. I don't wanna see you go back to that again. I don't want you to feel depressed like I have before. I just wanna know what it happening. I wanna be able to be there for you and. . .  I wanna. . .

Right now I feel hopeless. Hopeless that I can't help. Hopeless cause I am not a friend you can trust with whatever you are going through. Hopeless that I am not a friend you would think of to go to when you are in pain. I feel like the worst friend ever and to be honest I am.

Random note, now that I am thinking about it. Yesterday had lunch with a friend and he made it clear to me that I was only there cause I don't have Ling completely ruling out that I truly do wanna catch up. Use I wanted some company cause I cant be with Ling which Friday is meant to be our day. But it does not mean that's my only reason. Can't you just not hold on to that little detail that maybe in fact I do wanna catch up and since now I don't have to be with Ling at the time, it is perfect time. It annoyed me that she just ignore that.

I just. . . I'm feeling like a horrible person this week now. At this time, I feel like I am a bad friend. A friend who doesn't know her own best friends problems. A friend using her own friends cause she doesn't have her boyfriend. Haha. Lets just say I am a horrible friend. This is why I am a loner. This is why I lost a friend and this is why I can't make friends. No one really wants to be my friend. On that note I am probs also a horrible girlfriend to Ling. . .

Ahhh so much negativity now. . . Sigh. . . I don't know what to do with myself now. . .

Care/Love or Money/Food/Nessecities

Something useful I got out of studying is learning about how we begin to develop our personality or who we are in the future. From one of my education units I learnt about psychology and how we begin to develop connections and personalities.

My last lecture I found out that even animals choose love than our necessities. The lecture mention about an experiment on a baby monkey with 2 surrogate robot mother, one that is wrapped in a soft cloth while is made out of steel and provides food. The study show that the monkey prefers to cling on the surrogate robot mother that provided it with warmth and only lean towards the mother that provided food when the baby monkey was hungry.

The reason I am talking about this is cause my dad thinks that my sister and I should be close to my dad cause hey he took care of us. When I say took care of us he was the one who earn the sole income and he was the one that provided us with shelter, food, water all that we need to live. But from what I learn that isn't what you do if you want someone to be close to you. Even animals know who to stay next to when they want to feel warmth or love. Cause you can't just give someone food or money and say love me cause I provided you with material you need to survive.

Love can not be brought or bribed and if someone can be bribed it isn't cause they love you it is cause they need the food or money and they love it cause it provides them with what they want. Love is something you gain by using your heart. Love is knowing someone cares for you, loves you, protects you and will do anything in their power just to make you happy.

My dad isn't a good parent. He is not a good father. He is a good supplier and that's all. He provided me with food, money, clothing shelter and all the wants and needs when I was younger. For him that was his love yet I don't feel close to him and I don't feel like he understands me. My mum on the other hand is a great mum and I could say one of the best. Yes she cooks for me and provides me with food but she loves me and I can feel that love unlike my dad. My mum loves makes me feel happy and at ease. My mum makes me feel cared for and that I have someone that would always stay with me regardless of what I do and what happens to me.

It a similar feeling I get from Ling, it isn't the present he gives me, it is his love, his care and his everything that makes me feel so loved and happy.

My dad just doesn't understand anything and thinks he does. I'm not sure if he loves me part of me thinks so but part me of feels that maybe all he is doing is bribing me so that in the future he has someone to take care of him. I shouldn't think like that but at times it really feels like that is the case.

I guess my main point is. There is a point in celebrating mother's day despite what my dad had said today. Because for me, my mum has been giving love to me every since I was born even though I brought her so much pain when I came into this world and other pains throughout my life. But in the end I know she loves and cares for me more than she does for herself. I know maybe not all mum's are like that and I know some people may have not experience a mothers love for what ever reason it is. But I need to say:

Happy Early Mother's day, Mum

thank you for the 19 years of love you have given me and

thank you for many more years of love you would give me.

I'm Missing You by Bobby Tinsley

Ohh babe...
Ohh babe...

The nights are long,
My days are cold,
Without the warmth you provide me when I hold,
You in my arms, feels so long ago,
When you were there...
I think a teardrop just fell down..

I really wanna come to see you,
I really really wish I could,
Just another week,
It's only one week...

But even though I get to,
It's 7 days I gotta get through (it's too many days, babe)
And I'm really really missing you..

And I miss, miss, Miss..
I'm missing you..
And I don't know..

How I'm gonna make it through..
But I gotta, gotta,
stay strong for us two..
Just be strong,
It's a job that I gotta do.

So I go outside and I fake a smile..
But if they only knew,
Just how many miles..
Were between love so true,
I really couldn't cope the way that we do (that we do..)
And I'm really really missing you,

You, you..

Baby when you're near,
All of my visions clear.
But like a magic show,
I blink and than you disappear..

And I frequently,
Envision of it would be..
To have you alone with me..
Give me a moment so I can breathe ..

I know this is probs not the best song to listen to but I can relate with this song even though I know it hasn't been long since Ling left for china I still miss him. This feeling is unbearable, when he is in Australia I knew I could always seen him whenever I wanted to but now. . . I can't cause I have to fly over the ocean just to see him. I don't know why it is so hard coping with it. Never affected me this much before.

Sigh. . . Ling might not know this but he means the world to me. He is kind of like my big plush whenever I have a problem or feeling sad, I can count of him to be by myself in an instant. He will hug me, comfort me and make me feel like the luckiest and happiest girl alive. I just miss that warmth.

I feel if I told him all this he would think I am to clingy or possessive but you know, I never felt or seen this love and comfort he gives to me ever before. Sigh, I really wanna cuddle my big, soft, warm snorlax.  Sigh. . .

Btw I alter a few lines in the lyrics to fit my situation, for the real lyrics that I haven't alter click on the link below:Bobby Tinsley - !'m Missing You Lyrics | MetroLyrics

The Pain Just Keeps Growing

What is wrong with me? I dont understand.  Ever since his gone I've been down in the dumps. Today is just not my day. Been upset and depressed all day havent been like this in such a long time. Is it that time of the month? Or is it cause i miss him too much? The pain keeps hurting me. The lonliness keeps seeking in my mind and Ling cant even come comfort me. I. . . Just not my day. I wonder how long this is gonna be? Time feels so slow.

To a friend, I feel selfish saying this but i feel that u should know that. Stop letting your parents control you. We are at the end of our teenage years u really gonna let them stop from going out or spending time with your special someone. I understand u dont wanna lie but sigh. . . I am selfish and a liar. . . For my own happiness i would lie to my parents so i can spend wonderful hrs with my love. I shouldnt i know but with the pain im feeling i would never be able to not see the person i love and the person i love would hurt even more. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish to be happy. Not all the time but sometimes.

Anyway, gonna go on being depressed until i hear the sweet voice of my love and im sure those few mins or hrs i have with that voice would make me feel like im in heaven. For now. . . Sigh

Can't Bare to Be Apart

I don't want you to leave.

I cant last without you.

I know you will be back but my heart just cant take it.

I'll miss you so much if you leave. I miss you right now.

I don't want you to be away from me.

I know we been apart a lot longer before but this time is different.

Our relationship is more closer and our love is deeper.

I just don't know how well I can take not seeing you or being with you.

I don't how long I can last without you.

I Love You So Much Ling.

I hope these 10 days passes really quickly so I can see you again and feel that warmth I love.

Please God make sure my love will be safe on his trip.

Please bring him safely back to me.

I really need him more than anything in this world.

Sigh.

I can't believe how much I miss him already.

I can't believe how clingy I am to him.

Sigh.

Really hope he has a good trip. . .

3 Years

3 years ago, in front of a sparkling fountain,

I heard 3 beautiful words that I never thought I hear.
3 words that capture my heart and soul.
3 years ago under a bright lamp,

we sealed our relationship and sharing a moment we will never forget.
3 years made we feel like the most fortunate and happiest person alive.
3 year into the future, I hope we can still be together like this,

hand in hand and hearts locked together. ...
I cant believe 3 years have really passed

but I hope that every year would be as good or even better than the last.

Please stay with me for as long as we live.
I Love You So Much Ling.

Really cant believe 3 year has really passed and I am still with you Ling. How could u stand my annoyingness??? Just feel so happy. ^v^

Curfews!?!?!?

Does it sound weird that even though you turn 18 but your parents still give you curfews? You know, in my dad's point of view that a child must be obedient to their parents and the must listen to there every command. So if your parents want there child to go suicide the child must be obedient and listen to them. Is that right? Are children meant to be like servants to there parents until they are older enough to repeat that same routine with their children?

I think my dad was born in the wrong era. Maybe in a very long time ago children are meant to be like that and obviously parents wouldn't want their children to kill themselves but still.

I know recently I have been coming home around like 6:30 to like 8 but to most people my age that isn't even late now. Late is like 1-3 am in the morning. I am not obedient but somethings just are so ridiculous that I feel I shouldn't even listen to.

I'm just soo annoyed, pissed upset. just so overwhelmed with emotions.

. . .

however my emotions has calmed down a bit. Thanks to Ling for his own sweet version of so sick song. ^v^

"Where do the good boys go to hide away"

I was listening to the song "Hide Away" by Daya. . . (I think) . . . Anyway, I started just thinking about good boys and my relationship with Ling as well as I thought of a primary school friend who I have seen post this title on fb. I am know I am kind of competitive at times and always wanna look better than my primary school mates only cause I never seen to have been very popular or liked in primary school and I feel that I should show them how good my life is now. Not that my life is really any good now.

After think about that, I realised I shouldn't really care cause they don't matter in my life anymore and the people who does matter, I don't wanna compete with cause I just hope they can be very happy. I start reflecting on Ling and relating it to the song. You know, I am so happy with my relationship now actually more than happy.

I really love Ling and the thought of not being with him make me well up. I can't believe how he stands being with me. I am annoying a lot and I seem to do a lot of things that would irritate him. I am not good at cooking as he hope I would be and I am not that great in other stuff he likes like in games. I am selfish sometimes or maybe a lot of the times and he bares with it. He bares with my laziness and asking him to pick me up from places. He bares with the random tantrums I have when I get my mood swings. I don't know what I have done to really deserve someone like Ling.

It is a little bit less than a month before we reach our 3 year anniversary. I cant believe he would stay with me for 3 years. I can't believe my first ever relationship would last 3 years. I can't believe how lucky I am just to have someone like him next to me. I just hope I have enough luck to have him with me for the rest of my life.

People might see a few flaws with him and I too can see his flaws but than what kind of person doesn't have flaws. I, for one, have a lot of flaws and yet he stays with me. Ling always says love isn't seeing perfect person but seeing an imperfect person perfectly or something like that and I think that makes a lot of since.

I can't wait for our 3 year anniversary and I hope I can celebrate many more years of anniversary with Ling. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH LING~~~ You are my imperfect person <3 (though u are more perfect than imperfect to me)

Do People Change After Dating?

I have the feeling that people start to change after they start dating from personal experience and reflecting on what I seen from people around me. This is only my perspective on things and possible in some relationships no one changes. But my theory is that the one who has more control in a relationship tend to cause the person they love to change. Or the person with the stronger will would change the person who has a weaker will.

From my experience, I realised that I have changed a bit maybe to some quite a bit. But I know I have changed. I also seen another friend of mine change and some other people I know but really not too sure about it. My sister from what I have seen has changed a lot though I cant judge it that much as I don't know that much about there relationship. However, to me it feels that my sister has a lot of control in her relationship and is very stubborn and independent. I don't know her BF very well but he seem to be very lenient to my sister and I feel that he just goes with the flow.

Sigh~~~ I don't know it is a theory and the reason I thought about this is due to something that happened today and a little discussion with a friend of mine.

Name Change

Just a random update.

Decided to change the name of the blog a bit.

Cause I felt it sounded better this way.

Hope you agree to. :)

Suspicion

I hope this suspicions isn't true and I am believing it isn't but I cant help but wonder what if it is. . .

So I got a friend that means a lot to me, even though it feels like a long time since we spoken or even seen each other. We have known each other for so long and I really, really don't wanna lose this friendship we have. I know when the time is right she would come to me and talk to me and tell everything that has been going on with.

I don't often contact her at all. I understand her family situation and I understand how hard it is for me to contact to her but at the same time I have this doubt. You see our parents were friends but something happened and they don't talk. Since I haven't spoken to my friend, my mum believes that it is due to her relationship with my friend's mum which resulted in my friend's mum not allowing/wanting my friend to speak to me. . . Does that make sense. . .

Clear things up about the suspicion (just in case):
- My mum friends with my friends mum.
- Relationship went down hill.
- Result in friends mum stopping friends seeing or talking to me

I don't believe my friend would do this to me just because of her mum but my attempts in the past to see her when we both can catch the same transport to somewhere didn't end up lasting very long in fact only lasted 1 time but I believe her reasoning for it. I understand contacting her is hard. . . I just worried that my mum's suspicions are true.

Even if it is true I know that she is probably doing this to stop her mum bugging but inside she is finding away to hide it. . . But I am choosing to believe that my mum's suspicion is wrong and that it just so happens that she has other plans at the same time that she can't get out of. . . Sigh. . . I really miss you and I really wanna catch up with you and there is so much things I feel like I don't know. . . I am really worried for you. Hope you are ok.

Second Year of Uni

The start of my 2nd year in Uni is about to begin and how I am so unready for this day. >.< can't believe it Summer Vacation is over. . .

. . .

That's all I have to say about it really. . . Another thing not sure if I should mention about it. . . It is about a old friend of mine. . . I guess all I would wanna say to her is hope she is doing well. I hope she is able to achieve what ever she is aiming. I am not sure how I would react if I see you on the street one day or if see me but oh well.

Hoping everything is well and good :)

Old Traditional Housewife

I really hate my dad's view on women and it might sound like I am being very feminist. . . and maybe I am not really sure. But the thing is my dad's expectation on my mum is just. . . horrible and I really hate and disagree with it.

So he believes that since he is the sole breadwinner in the house that my mum has to take care of everything in the house and I mean everything. Like my mum needs to cook, clean take care of paying the bills and getting everything organised, and he even believes that my mu should do or the in old tradition as manlier jobs like fixing lights other broking things at home and mow the lawn.

I feel that nowadays things has changed and society has or should have gotten use to women earning money as well and is restricted to house chores. Women shouldn't be different to men at all not matter in behaviour, work life anything. We are able human and animals of this world we should be equal.

It feels like being with my dad you are restrict from doing anything without his permission. His word is only thing that matters he just wont back down on his words. Everything he says he believes is correct and no one else can correct him. At times like these I wish that my parents are separated that way my mum and me are free. We would have our free will again, we don't need and won't need anyone else permission to do whatever we want.

The other day I accidently let out the F word after hitting my head and he told me that is bad for a "Women" to say that would. I hate when he says that "Women" has to do this or can't do that. Who in the world stated that women cant do things that men do yes maybe a physique maybe be different but that shouldn't stop us from doing anything. Men can do girly things and not be discriminated and women can do manly things and not be discriminated. Though I feel that women doing manly things are more acceptable then men doing girly things but that might just be me thinking that. But I believe that we shouldn't be discriminated I just sigh. . . Yes I believe, I might be very feminist.

Oh well whatever, my dad is never gonna change and I got deal with it or leave. =.=

Valentine's Trip

I hope everyone had a lovely Valentine on Sunday though. I might not have the funniest Valentine day but we did after all plan a 3 day 2night Secret Valentine Trip which I wish I was still on. I also just notice Ling's invasion to my blog >v< He is so sweet when he wants to be and I cant deny he spoils me a lot with love and gifts and surprises. I Love Him SOOO MUCH as well.

On our secret runaway for 3 days we spent lots of time just staying together in our little cabin watching the beautiful ocean view we spent some time watching tv, dining out, swimming and wondering the streets. It was truly the best 3days escape. Back in Sydney means back to reality which I dont't wanna face but I guess as long as I am holding hands and staying along side Ling I would go through any hardships.

Thank you Ling for the most romantic and lovely Valentine trip every. Btw any friends of mine who reads this remember if u ever see my parents I never went on a trip with my special Ling but with friends so SHOOOSH :P

LOVE YOU LING and hope everyone had a great valentine or will have a great valentine in the future.

The Ling Invasion !!!

Greetings fellow followers ;) (Hope you have a wonderful and meaningful year!)

My name is Ling and I would like to commence the first official Ling Invasion (Mwahaha). Oh, my lovely girl does not know this so it is up to you guys to think about her reactions in your own imaginations and realms.

The persona Ling addressed in numerous blogs of my girl is me! I myself, have always been a nice and caring man for my one and only girl and I Love Her soooooooo much too. However, she doesn't know... You ask why? Well, that is because I like to give her surprises and spoil her until she drowns in my love (huehuehue). We have been dating for quite a while now and I must say Mrs Sakura you have done a fantastic job as being my girlfriend/woman (no further details please >.<). To be able to meet you in my life, I would have no words to describe but something like a Divine Blessing. And that is because ever since you became a major part of my life, I have always been happy in fact probably happier.  You are a beautiful gem that is waiting to be unearthed, a special someone whom I cherish with all my heart and might. When your sad I can always make you laugh and when you are laughing because you're happy, I will make you laugh even harder to a point that you're unable to breath. I will always be by your side my Love, I will always be there to protect and worship you my goddess. I hope you like this Operation Ling Invasion that I have launched upon you, because i am IN2U, and I always miss you too and it has been this way ever since you walked in to my life. Your an Angel after all especially my Angel.


PS I Love You <3
Ling

Wanna Catch Up

 I really wanna catch up with a particular person.

She has been life a little sister to me as well as one of my best friends.

Despite the fact, that we haven't met or spoken to one each other in such a long time.

She has been my longest friend reason why I feel like you are my little sis.

I worry about you a lot reading back on your blog,

it seems you had problems at school and I know about some things at home.

Sigh...

I hope you are alright.

Good Luck with study and HSC.

Hope we catch up soon.

“If” Plans

Today or more like tonight has been... horrible. I cried so much just listening thinking. I'm scared for my life sometimes and I am scared for my mums life as well. I don't wanna chose between my mum and my dad though inside I really already have chosen my mum cause with her I feel happy and free. With my mum I feel like I can say anything and I don't feel pressured or anything.

I am worried about my future. If I can get a job or not and make that dream of mine come true but I hope I can. Today. . . I heard a lot of yelling about my sis, about divorce, about how to split things and my dad kept asking who would I go live with if they did divorce. He thinks my mum brainwashed me in thinking that she is wonderful and that he isn't. To be honest it was never my mum who would have brainwashed me. It was my sister.

When I was young, my sister will tell me not to do this or that as well as tell me how bad my dad is and how selfish he is. She hated him and I slowly began to believe in her words. But I can't hate my dad cause he has been pretty nice to me and I can't do that even though I know he is selfish and all of his bad qualities but he treats me ok always trying to b on my good side. But I can't stay with him cause I will suffer a lot. I will lose all my freedom and I know it.

If my parents go through with the divorce, I have a plan. I wouldn't move in with my dad or my mum cause I dont wanna have to choose between them. I would like to move in with my sis but I know my mum would move in with her and there just isn't enough room. Plus I would like to move in with Ling a lot more. So I would move in with Ling. I am willing to pay rent to his parents and since I spend everyday with him I would like to pick up extra hrs of work so that I earn more money. Update with centrelink that way it could help me financially. I would start saving a lot more money cause I want to b able to be independent. I gonna learn to cook from my mum when ever I see her as well as from his grandma that way I can cook for myself instead of bothering Ling's grandma. I wanna try to at least visit both my mum and dad once a week so they don't feel too lonely though my mum would probs have my sis. That is what I want and I feel that way I get more freedom and I think I would like this life. I sort of want that kind of life if I can...

That's my plan. I just hope me and a Ling would last forever. He makes me so happy and I know he wants the family the way I want it. Just hope he is the one.

Response to a Friend

I was reading Beautiful's Blog just a while ago and it sort of made me feel like I am a bad girlfriend or more a less caring girlfriend. I don't wanna make her feel bad or anything but it sort of those cause the thoughts of how she would try and spend as much time with him as possible makes me feel like I don't do enough.

But then again for Ling and I, we usually have to spend at least 3-4 days together and it does make it hard to spend time with friends and family for me. Another thing is he loves me to stay late at his house or even sleep over which is hard cause of how strict my dad is and mum if she knew I was going to sleep over at ling's house.

I feel that, I am not a good enough girlfriend cause I clingy to Ling so much that I love to have skype calls with me every single night and he doesn't wanna at times and I feel bad. I did though tell him we don't have to once but I think that idea went out the window since he still calls me every night. I don't initiate somethings we do which he wants me to. . . Sigh, Ling sometimes tells me these things and it makes me feel bad and depressed. He then expects me to do something about it right away but I don't feel like at the time cause of my mood he doesn't understand that at times.

Sigh. . . I believe Beautiful is a better girlfriend in the way that she initiates a lot more things than I do though I do feel that Ling seems to be hard to please then her BF but I know that I am not as initiative than her. . . haha I should stop comparing. . . >.< Well. . .

I Love Ling more than anything in the world and if I could I would wanna spend every minute and every second with him but I know I can't. I gotta spend time with my mum she needs me it isn't like she has anyone else so go spend time with at the moment considering our family situation. I wanna spend time with friends too. I don't wanna lose touch with them. . . Sigh so much things and so hard to balance. . .

Oh well. . . I really miss Ling right now.