“If” Plans

Today or more like tonight has been... horrible. I cried so much just listening thinking. I'm scared for my life sometimes and I am scared for my mums life as well. I don't wanna chose between my mum and my dad though inside I really already have chosen my mum cause with her I feel happy and free. With my mum I feel like I can say anything and I don't feel pressured or anything.

I am worried about my future. If I can get a job or not and make that dream of mine come true but I hope I can. Today. . . I heard a lot of yelling about my sis, about divorce, about how to split things and my dad kept asking who would I go live with if they did divorce. He thinks my mum brainwashed me in thinking that she is wonderful and that he isn't. To be honest it was never my mum who would have brainwashed me. It was my sister.

When I was young, my sister will tell me not to do this or that as well as tell me how bad my dad is and how selfish he is. She hated him and I slowly began to believe in her words. But I can't hate my dad cause he has been pretty nice to me and I can't do that even though I know he is selfish and all of his bad qualities but he treats me ok always trying to b on my good side. But I can't stay with him cause I will suffer a lot. I will lose all my freedom and I know it.

If my parents go through with the divorce, I have a plan. I wouldn't move in with my dad or my mum cause I dont wanna have to choose between them. I would like to move in with my sis but I know my mum would move in with her and there just isn't enough room. Plus I would like to move in with Ling a lot more. So I would move in with Ling. I am willing to pay rent to his parents and since I spend everyday with him I would like to pick up extra hrs of work so that I earn more money. Update with centrelink that way it could help me financially. I would start saving a lot more money cause I want to b able to be independent. I gonna learn to cook from my mum when ever I see her as well as from his grandma that way I can cook for myself instead of bothering Ling's grandma. I wanna try to at least visit both my mum and dad once a week so they don't feel too lonely though my mum would probs have my sis. That is what I want and I feel that way I get more freedom and I think I would like this life. I sort of want that kind of life if I can...

That's my plan. I just hope me and a Ling would last forever. He makes me so happy and I know he wants the family the way I want it. Just hope he is the one.