Choose both and lose all or choose one

Never felt so much pain in my life and haven't cried this much in quite a long time. Never thought the one that always made me laugh could bring so much pain out. Never thought the person who should understand me the most seem to not understand me at all at the same time. I love him so much that thought of losing him sends me in a spiral of sadness that I feel that I could never come up from.

I don't understand. what is really my fault this time. . . maybe. There is a lot of things that I should have done that could make the whole situation better but at the same time I wish people could just understand me. Understand how I feel but then again my sister never seemed to care about the rules at home why should I.

I think I am fear my dad or is it I just don't wanna bring conflict to the house. I'm so confused. Honestly I feel like eloping to somewhere no one knows me and right now even death itself doesn't scare me like it usually would. I fallen so far deep I cant really feel anything but that not entirely true the moment I think of what cause this spiral of sadness I just spin further and further down the tunnel while tears just comes out like no end.

I'm tired but I cant sleep so much on my mind. I don't wanna have to deal with this but I know who I want to choose then what is stopping me.

AHHHH~~~~ I can't do this I can't. the pain the thoughts everything its too much. I can feel it. Depression it is slowly creeping back into my life, at least it is trying to. I'm going down that track again soon, the track of self harm. Not yet, but if things worsen well. . . I can't guarantee that I fall down a deeper depression then I ever have.

I can't do this. I just can't think right now. . . I tried so hard to avoid it but what happens happen. Sigh... Sorry about this random thought. I need to get things off my mind right now. My mind such a mess so if u read this it is probably a mess to. so if u don't understand then it is ok cause never do I. I just typed whatever was on my mind.

Need to get some sleep right now. . .