For A Friend

I don't know what is wrong.
I don't know why you are upset.
I don't know what you bad habit came back
I don't know anything unless you tell me.

I have a very special friend, I have known her for about 7 years now. I have felt what it is like to feel distant from you and I have felt what it is like you feel close with you. But right now, I can feel you pain and I feel your sadness. It might not be as strong as how you are feeling but I can feel it. It hurts me more than anything to see you like this. I feel like crying cause I just don't know what I can do especially when I don't know anything.

This reminds me of the holiday that we barely spoke to each other because you were feeling depressed and upset about things. I don't wanna see you go back to that again. I don't want you to feel depressed like I have before. I just wanna know what it happening. I wanna be able to be there for you and. . .  I wanna. . .

Right now I feel hopeless. Hopeless that I can't help. Hopeless cause I am not a friend you can trust with whatever you are going through. Hopeless that I am not a friend you would think of to go to when you are in pain. I feel like the worst friend ever and to be honest I am.

Random note, now that I am thinking about it. Yesterday had lunch with a friend and he made it clear to me that I was only there cause I don't have Ling completely ruling out that I truly do wanna catch up. Use I wanted some company cause I cant be with Ling which Friday is meant to be our day. But it does not mean that's my only reason. Can't you just not hold on to that little detail that maybe in fact I do wanna catch up and since now I don't have to be with Ling at the time, it is perfect time. It annoyed me that she just ignore that.

I just. . . I'm feeling like a horrible person this week now. At this time, I feel like I am a bad friend. A friend who doesn't know her own best friends problems. A friend using her own friends cause she doesn't have her boyfriend. Haha. Lets just say I am a horrible friend. This is why I am a loner. This is why I lost a friend and this is why I can't make friends. No one really wants to be my friend. On that note I am probs also a horrible girlfriend to Ling. . .

Ahhh so much negativity now. . . Sigh. . . I don't know what to do with myself now. . .