Rolling Down the Same Path Again

I don't know what is wrong with me. Is it just that time of the month again or is it just me? What was meant to be a great day turned out in disaster and we return to the same state as last time as if all the time between meant nothing at all. I know every time it is my fault, I don't wanna admit it to anyone but it is and I know it. I wanna say otherwise I wanna say I had a reason but I can't.

I have fallen back down to my depression mood. To the point that I feel worthless, useless and that there was no point of my own existence that is how low I sank and death didn't scary me as much as it did before. But I realised death was just another escape, another escape from my mistakes, my mistakes for unable to cope and adapt and change myself to be better, more patient. I really felt that my death would mean nothing to anyone, my existence on this earth was important cause I don't seem my existence to have influenced anyone on this earth.

I don't want these thoughts, so I look on the other side of things. Think of how to change. How can I change myself from being so emotional? How can I change myself to be more patient? How can I change myself to be a better person? The answer. . . is. . . I don't know. I can't think of anything.

Another thing that made me stay in this depression mood is something Ling said. . . He told me not to go out with him unless I can stay out until night. But I can't always be like that. I don't know if he understands that. He always said I care to much about what other people think. I can't make him happy and make my parents happy at the same time. If  I wanted to see him every second day I have to stay out late every second day. . . My mum would be upset that I don't spend time with her. My dad would yell at me for always going out. But if I don't I disappoint the person I love. I wanna balance things you know. I wanna be able to spend time with Ling as well as have time for my family even though this family has a lot of flaws I am the only one left my parents have. I don't think he understands that. . . I care about Ling and I wanna be able to stay with him 24/7 but if I moved out what about my mum. . . She is stuck with someone that doesn't care enough about her and only thinks of his own selfish desires. While my dad has only me to rely on since he had already ruined his relationship with my sister.

My family is so complicated and I want escape it. I want to move in with Ling and leave it all behind but I can't. They are my family after all. I can't let my mum leave in a place that she isn't treated like she deserves and even though I dislike my dad for all his selfishness and how he treats everyone else in the family, he after all is my dad and treats me alright. I am the only one in the future that could take care of him cause my sister doesn't even want anything to do with him. I am the only thing that is keeping what is left together. . . well now I realised one important thing for my existence =.=

Sigh. . . I can't make Ling happy though. I can't do anything that would make him happy. I wanna escape this pain. I honestly having so much suicidal thoughts. . . I wouldn't do it but it would be the best escape route to stop my miserable life TT^TT But I know have to stop finding escape routes and face my problems right now. . . But I just don't know how. . . Why is life so hard?

RIP Mr Liston

I don't remember much about my primary school teachers. But there is one specific teacher I remember lots about. I remember that year pretty well. That year I hanged with the wrong people got myself into trouble that I didn't wanna get into in the first place. I lost my friends cause they thought I was racist and at the time I didn't even know the meaning of it.

But Mr Liston gave me some great memories that year as well and somewhat felt that he knew I was with the wrong group of friends. I remember him with his long hair always tired in a pony tail. He had always had his guitar and often used to teacher us songs or play songs. I may be wrong but from memory I think he like the Beatles and even taught us the song 'The Yellow submarine'. I remember that we were reading 'The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe' and after every chapter he would get us to draw a scene from what he had just read so that he knew we were listening. I remember he brought Turkish delight for the class to try and I remember that I didn't like the taste. I remember he had our whole class perform in the talent quest and we were split into three groups and we all sang at different times. We might have even sang the yellow submarine but I am not to sure about that. I remember he knew that my friend and I got in trouble for going into the school building without an hall pass. I remember, he was a great teacher and one of my favourites in primary school. I didn't realised how much all these memories really meant until now.

I devastated and upset on how he died and never expected that he would leave this world like this. When I thought of my future, I always hoped that I returned to my primary school and teach and hopefully even be able to see Mr Liston again however that could never happen. . . I regret not returning back to primary school and seeing him again. I can't even imagine how upset his friends and family must be.

When I heard the news last Friday, I felt so depressed and my heart felt. . . so uncomfortable. Ever since than when I read news of his passing makes me feel upset and devastated all over again. Today I finally felt tears fall down my eyes, reading how people sent notes to the scene of his death apologising for unable to save him and thank the people who tried their best to save him and bring justice to the man how killed him.

 You were one of the best teachers in the world and I really wished that you didn't have to experience so much pain in those last minutes of your life. I hope you rest in peace Mr Liston.

What have I become?

I don't understand. . .

why is it so hard to sleep without Ling?

Why must I have to have Ling on a call or next to me for me to sleep?

 

I have become so dependent on him

and I should learn to fall asleep without him cause he can't always be there

but. . . I miss him.

I was meant to go see him tonight

but I couldn't sneak out and he decided to go out with another friend

and I should. . .

let him but. . .

its so hard.

 

I miss him so much.

I want to have him on Skype and I don't want him to go.

I cried cause of it. . .

I'm too emotional

but. . .

but. . .

I MISS HIM. I DONT WANT HIM TO GO. TT^TT

Sorting out my emotions

I'm so conflicted right now.

Once again, I had another argument with Ling. I don't know how it started or way it started but I know this can't keep going on. I honestly don't know how to sort things out. My emotions are going crazy and I don't know which thought to listen to first. I can't even think properly.

It feels like every time at this hour, I some how agitate Ling and for some reason on Skype I would make me irritated. I don't know how. Some people you would sacrifice everything for your loved ones while other say love should be equal you get what you give. What to listen to. I don't know anymore.

Things I give don't seem to be the things he wants and I feel sometimes I ask too much of him. I ask him to drive me places ask him to pick me up or come out and take me places with friends. I tell him to do a lot especially with transport cause he can drive but he doesn't like driving all the time. I give him physical things as well. I support him and I do, do a lot for him but I feel it isn't enough for how much I ask him to do.

He wants surprises. Both he and I are sick of these arguments. He wants things to be interesting in a relationship. To him he thinks relationships need to be interesting and have trust. To me a relationship is. . . Just being with the person you love and doing simple things like talk about random things. I don't need much just lots of attention. Maybe asking too much getting him to always drive over cause it is easier for him and maybe cause I don't drive I can't understand how annoying it is for him.

You know what I want freedom. I want to be able to do what I want. I want to be able to make him happy instead of always making him upset. I don't know how to. If I could drive I would drive whenever I can to his house cause to me it is the easiest thing to do. If I could without my parents being angry at me for it, I would drive now to his house and surprise or drive whenever I miss him and surprise him but I can't. I am also restricted to transport there is no buses at this time of night. If I really wanted to surprise him early in the morning I have to catch the most earliest bus possible and travel all the way to his house by myself. Is that what I should do? That is possible the thing he wants. But all that trouble just to see him when it would have been easier to ask him to pick me up so I can see him.

I don't understand what I must do. I honestly don't I am an open book easy to read and easy to guess. I am being too selfish and lazy asking him to pick me up and asking him almost like he is my chauffeur. Is providing him with the things I do not enough? Is it him being selfish wanting more from me? Or is it me being selfish not being able to satisfy the things he needs?

I really wish he told me want exactly what he wanted me to change cause if I knew I would do it. Like how I tell him that I want him to pay more attention to me. I want him to show me he cares and not tell me 'he cares about me.' There are things he wants that I don't necessarily want in a relationship. I don't understand why one thing is so important to a guy. I don't understand anything in this world.

I can't keep doing this anymore. If I can't fix this, I don't know what is gonna happen. What does he want? What do I want? I am so worried about this relationship and so worried about my healthy and so worried about freaken everything. I can't mention somethings in here but there is so much I am doing for him and ways that no one will know and therefore help me with. I just can't. I wanna straighten things out now. Tell him how I feel. Hear what he feels. But I can't say it to him. Somehow I feel if I did I would upset him and make him feel like how I feel right now.

My mum said that I don't have an diligence with Ling and that I don't have mysteries or hide things that would make a guy want you and cherish you. I don't understand Love. Why is it that, when I am with him everything is ok? When I am with him everything is more than ok it is like nothing bad has ever happened. When I am with him we have no problems it is just us together nothing would break that bond. But when we are apart everything around us breaks apart and falling into pieces. I don't understand how I can mend it.

I can never explain this to anyone. No one is gonna understand. I can't tell my mum cause there is much she doesn't know and won't understand cause of her views. She would probably just criticise. I can't tell Beautiful cause there is things she can't know but without the whole truth she wouldn't get a full understanding of the situation. I can't tell other close friends cause there is so much gaps to fill in.

I am so tired of this S*** and I am so tired from work and I am so tired of these emotions. I can't deal with this life no more. It too hard. I got everything off my mind but it doesn't help with anything cause I still as conflicted as I was before. I still have no idea how to deal with all this.

Sigh~ I gotta sleep for work 2mr. Screw this life. So much restrictions to just leave happy life.

First Pay!!!

Ok, technically this isn't my first pay cause officially my first pay was early this year for the casual easter show packing job. It isn't really my second or third pay either cause second was from a flyer job and third was the tutor job. So I should say my fourth pay. . . Come to think that isn't right either. . . I got paid lots of time in my first casual job. . .

Ok lets say this is my first pay for this job. Hahah. . . I am so out of it, exhausted from all the standing and serving and making. But you know I really like making drinks and waffles cause to me it is fun to do. I don't find it tiring doing that. However, I think I need to work faster. After today, I finally built up some courage too ask about when do I exactly get paid and it turned out my theories were correct and I got paid today.

However, I have learnt I get paid $11 for training which is for about 2 weeks but that's ok I still got. . . $100 which is alright. To be honest I only wanted coffee making experience cause I would like to work in a coffee shop. Pretty happy I going to try keep a note of how much I earn as well including working hrs and so forth.

That's all I really wanted to post about. . . Still a little upset about my lost necklace I looked everywhere almost twice no sight of it. TT^TT

I Lost Something Special!!!

I lost something special. Something extremely special to me and it's gone I can't find it anywhere. To some people it isn't very valuable. It probably cost like a few dollars and it isn't made at of anything expensive like silver or gold but to me it was priceless. To me it cost more than 1 million dollars, more than anything in the world of course not as much as the person who gave it to me.

I lost my favourite necklace. The one I wore everyday to school in high school. The one I kept by my side to remind me of him every single time I look at it. Something so special. It's gone. Knowing I can't find it saddens me almost like I lost Ling himself., it is just that special.

I remember the first time I got it and everything on that very day. Ling got it at the navy fireworks around 2 years ago and when he brought it, I thought he was going to the bathroom. He hide it the entire night until the fireworks started and we sat along watching it. He wrapped the necklace around his hand and showed it to me. I was so happy and felt so loved. That feeling I will never forget.

No one understand the importance of that necklace. I should took better care of it and it hurts so much that I lost it.

Come Back Necklace. I truly hope I didn't lost outside and it is still somewhere in my house or his. But where is it? TT^TT

First Part-time Work

Technically, I have worked before but this time it is different. Normally my work was only casual so I only worked for a certain period like 3 weeks or so. But his is a job over this holiday and could eventually lead up into when I start uni but that could be a little tiring but still it is work and I get money and experience.

The job is a little tiring and it is a waitress kind of job which I didn't want in the first place but it is in a café and I wanted to work in a café. The people who work there are all Korean and speak in Korean to each other so it makes me feel left out sometimes. They do speak to me in English and sometimes speak to each other English when I am around but I know that they sometimes talk about me in Korean. Especially on Sunday, when I could see someone point at me and talking in Korean. I might not be able to understand you but I am not blind.

But other than that I am working and I am earning money. Pretty happy about that :)

Obsessed With Love

LOVE HIM SO MUCH. . .

That I think of him 24/7

and I wanna be with him 24/7

and I wann hear his voice and Skype him 24/7.

Is there really how love is meant to be?

My gosh my mind is obsessed with him.

But I can't help but love him and think of him and miss him.

Sigh~~~ I LOVE YOU, LING ^3^

Late Bday Post

I was meant to post this early and I wasn't planning to but since I posted my previous post I thought. I might as well take my mind of things and type up another blog post about some happy events that have occurred to me.

So last Thursday was my 19th Birthday and I spent it with two very important people in my life. To be honest I feel like these two people care about this day more than my parents. I had to remind both of them that it was my Birthday, my mum didn't wish me happy birthday until I stared at her and told her she forgot.

Anyway, so in the morning, I went to Ling's place and spent a whole day with him. His grandma was super nice and cook me pork chop noodles cause it is a shanghainese tradition to eat it on your birthday. She spent the whole morning preparing ever since she hear from Ling that morning that it was my Bday. I felt so bad making her do this for me and thankful. She was so thoughtful about it and I just don't really deserve it.

Anyway, I spent the entire day with Ling at his house until roughly dinner time where we went out to meet with Beautiful where we had Korean BBQ. It was a buffet bbq place and Ling was super excited about all the food there was. It was pretty entertaining watching him react over all the food and to see him so happy and enjoying the meal made me feel even more happy than I was before.

After dinner, Beautiful proposed to go to the beach at night and I thought it would be call but I was freaked out cause I don't have my glasses and it was so dark and blurry that it just scared me. I don't like not being able to see what is around me cause I don't feel safe. But I still enjoyed myself at the beach nonetheless, was able to feel calm as I watched the waters and the night sky and got a beautiful view of the rising orange moon. It was truly I wonderful birthday.

On sunday, I was able to celebrate my birthday once again with one other friend, Rosie along with Beautiful. Rosie wanted to buy a cake for both Beautiful and me since she didn't do anything for our birthday earlier. So that day we spend the day with Karaoke and pool along with have cake, lunch and a light snack in the morning with just Rosie and I.

This year was a wonderful Birthday better than last year even though it was meant to be more special cause I turned 18 but then it was during HSC everyone was busy. I like this year's birthday. I want to thank you everyone who have celebrated my Birthday and you made this year's bday so wonderful and I want to thank A.Z my longest best friend/neighbour who I haven't been able to spend much time with who gave me a great Bday gift. I wish I could relive these moments cause it is much better than more emotional wreck I been having recently =.= I'm mentally exhausted.

Worst Person Alive

I feel like the worst person ever. I am so clingy and selfish and I having so much problems recently. Everyday, I would for some reason get angry or upset and cry cause of Ling and it might not even be his fault it might just be some little insignificant things that just cause me to overeact. It happened so many times before and I know right now this has been my first period in such a long time and maybe that is why my emotions are becoming so. . . crazy. I can't think logically at all and even when I know I shouldn't do something I just can't help it. I can't.

Typing this blog is even making me so emotional. I am so angry and depressed all the time. I can't handle my emotions right. I wanna scream. I wanna cry. I feel like I am suffocating over everything I am feeling.

I wanna be angry at Ling cause I couldn't spend time with him today and that he isn't with me and I can't hear him or see him or just he isn't around. I really just want him to stay by my side and not go out and not do anything that isn't with me. I know I am selfish. I am being so selfish and clingy that I just want him next to me right now and not have a life and just stay with. I hate myself for think like this cause I shouldn't want him to have no life and just be at my every beckon call. I can't expect him to ditch his friends just to stay with me but I so want him too.

I stop myself just then from send a text to him telling him off for saying that he promise he would call me all night once he is home when I have feeling that he is gonna call me around the same time he always does. I don't wanna be mad at him for spending time with his friends cause I know he should have the time to do that and have fun without me there but. . . I can't help feeling alone and ignore and that I just want him to leave his friends for me.

This feeling makes me feel like the worst person ever cause I am being so self-centred and I want to be the person that thinks of others first and be happy and let my BF have so alone time. But I want him with me so badly that I am torn between being selfish and yelling at him for something subconsciously I know he has not fault in with being happy that he is happy with spending his time with his friends which he hasn't done in awhile.

I hate myself for being so emotional for making Ling upset and angry every time I have problems feeling moody. I hate myself for being so self-centred and selfish making Ling comfort me for my wrong doings. I hate that I act with out any rational thoughts and yell at him for nothing just cause he isn't doing things the way I want him to. I know not everything can go my way. I know he needs his guy time and spend timing with his friends. I wanna be support and happy for him and not make him worry or  angry about how I am feeling. But why am I feeling this. I hate this feeling. I don't know how to control these emotions and its killing me.

I'm the worst person ever TT^TT

Special Day for a Special Someone

I hope I made this day special enough for the person I love so much. 

He has honestly made my life so much more 

interesting, happier and I feel safe with him. 

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH~~~

Today is his birthday, and I really wanted to spend this day with him. 

So I decided to leave really early in the morning 

where he picked me up and took me to his house so we had more time together. 

We honestly didn't do much other than stay at his house 

and just spend quality time together watching stuff together and eating together. 

I really hope I made this day special for him 

and him seem to be really happy even saying it was his best Bday ever 

and that is what I wanted it to be. 

So I am happy. 

I know he probably can't make this year as special as I did for him 

but as along as I made him happy I feel accomplished and satisfied. 

Happy Birthday Hun~~~ 

I Love You More Than You Will Ever Know~~~ 

@>3<@

Couple Dates and BB B'Day

I was meant to blog yesterday but I was so tired that day I just couldnt be bothered. But I shall today since, I feel refreshed and happy.

So yesterday, was my dear best friends Bday. Beautiful was planning on staying home and studying however I somehow convince her to go though I really don't remember or know how I actually did it. But oh well it worked out pretty well. So for the first time I met up with Beautiful's BF and we sort of had a couple date as I convinced Ling to come with us.

We started with karaoke, I was a little tired to start with on the day as I hadn't had a good sleep the night before and I did so much walking around and dancing for class that I felt exhausted. I quickly chose random songs cause no one was choosing and I ended up choosing most of the songs that day. Most of the songs we end up skipping halfway through it. At the start I was feeling sort of energetic however it died down pretty quickly. I believe another reason I was felt energetic was due to the little bit of food we had and the reason I was feeling really. . . when I was around Ling.

During the karaoke, I saw Beautiful so intimate with her BF and so happy also very clingy cause she wouldn't let him leave her side for even a few seconds. She followed him everywhere almost unless he need to go toilet or if she need to as well. I can't say for myself I wasn't clingy with Ling either though I think Beautiful was a little more than I was. Towards the end of karaoke I just gave in, I was to exhausted and I just gave up singing. I choose a few random songs for others to sing.

After karaoke, we left to dinner at a Japanese restaurant where they told us that we have to take 90 mins though I had a feeling we might have taken longer than that. Anyway we choose a few foods, there nice but I felt the portion and the price of the food was ridiculous and not worth it. However that is Japanese food they are yummy but sometimes not worth the price you pay for then again there seem like a lot of places that are like that.

Overall the food was nice, a bit expensive and to be honest I didn't feel completely full just yet but then I didn't really wanna order something else either. Beautiful really wanted to pay for dinner since Ling had paid for Karaoke but her BF wanted be a gentlemen and pay. I thought it was a good idea that the guys pay and I feel that money shouldn't be an issue in relationship though I feel a little hypocritical when I say that since I don't think about how much money I spend compared to Ling. But I don't want to make it into such a big deal.

After dinner, we decided to go our separate ways and let Beautiful spend some quality time with her BF even though she insists that she is giving me and Ling some private time. Ling and I were going to meet very early the next day so we didn't need to spend to much time that night anyway. So once we parted, Ling and I decided to get a little more food at Maccas as well as being able to collect stickers before we travelled back home. Ling and I parted ways once I reached my stop cause we knew that we had all day 2mr to spend with each other.

I had a great day and glad I finally meet Beautiful's BF. I was exhausted but enjoyed. I really glad Beautiful enjoy her Bday night. ^.^

Happy Birthday Beautiful (a little late since I blogged the next day but oh well :P )

So Annoyed

So I thought this presentation this time was gonna be good

since I don't have the same partner as last time.

I thought we would be able to complete the task today

before around like at least 9 however.

I tried contacting her on fb and she hasn't seen it nor replied 

and haven't done the part I have assigned her too.

So I thought why not, I will go a step forward

in case she didn't finish analysing one part and completing it the day before

when I decided to go to sleep.

So I finish the next part that I thought she might have done

and sent a message to her on fb still no reply

and it is getting late

 and I don't wanna be working into the late hours at night

and I don't want to be doing all this all by myself.

Maybe she has family things she has to sort out

but my gosh this thing is due 2mr and I don't think we even have half of it done.

So far it seems that only I have done most of the work.

It is so irritating.

Where is she???

Emotion Rampage

Been really emotional today, I don't know why but just had so much going on in my head. Today start of with being with Ling on the car where we slept in the car in the morning. I was woken up a couple of times and feeling a little irritated. Later I wanted play with Ling a little but then he wasn't interested and kept stopping and I got bored and irritate and some how start arguing and sort of throwing a mini tantrum.

I realised it wasn't his fault just me being very frustrated and irritated for no reason and I didn't know how to calm it down. The more I thought into it, the more irritated and pissed I got and all I wanted to do was punch something or throwing something or even just scream at the top of my lungs but I couldn't at that time. So I ended up just pinching and squeezing my arm until I felt better. I didn't wanna cut into my skin but when I felt the pain in my arm, I felt some sort of relief and once I calmed I didn't feel anything.

I thought about how Ling might be angry and leave me but I felt nothing except a hint of sadness inside me but it was like a wall blocking every feeling away from me. I had no feelings anymore and I felt calm. So I thought I should be the one to make up for what happened with Ling since I knew it was me who caused it and I don't even know why I did it. So I hugged his arm when he was driving and tried to hold his hand but he let go of my hand and wouldn't let me hold it.

That feeling cut me so deep. I felt like he didn't love me anymore, he didn't want me anymore I tried a couple more times and I felt hurt and upset and I finally felt something and tears start rushing down my cheeks and I was happy about it cause I could finally just let all my feelings out. I wanted to cry yesterday but I held it in and I wanted to cry before when I was angry but nothing came out. But now I was crying cause I felt sadden that I made Ling no want me anymore. However, around the 3rd attempt he changed his mind and held my hand. I was relieved, upset, happy and all I thought was finally I can let all these feelings out as well as I never want to let this person go again.

I didn't but before lunch when I was telling him about how I was feeling something he said made me feel depressed again and I just felt completely bad about myself. Felt like I can't do anything right and I didn't do anything right. All these negative things about myself all came rushing in my head and even though Ling tried to cheer me up nothing worked and kept being depressed until I came home.

I started distracting my mind for all this depression however Ling called me and told me he probably won't make it tomorrow, he might for dinner and he will call me tomorrow to tell me. That moment I felt really upset, I know why he couldn't but I should understand that he needs to help his dad with something and it probably very important. But I couldn't help feeling upset and I really wanted him there tomorrow. I can't help but feel sad and he told me not to be depressed but I can't help it. I wanna cry and wanna tell come don't leave me. I want him to understand that I need him right now and that I will break apart if he isn't here to support. I want him to ignore his dad's needs to come but I am being selfish and I know I can't tell him to do that. I know he cant be here right now to support me to cheer me up. . .

I just don't know what is going on with me and I just wont someone to understand. I want him to understand but I know I cant tell him. I cant do anything TT^TT

Second Surprise

Today I was planning a something special for Ling and I needed everything to go well and that Ling wouldn't suspect anything. So in the morning we had already paid for a breakfast buffet which we got early-ish to go down and have breakfast. The food there was alright but was quite filling. There was a cool toast conveyer belt, where you slide a bread on to the conveyer belt and it brings the bread into the toaster and the dispensers the toasted bread at the point. I was very intrigued by it as well as confused at the start at how I was gonna toast my bread.

After breakfast, we returned into our room where I clean and pack some things first before jumping back on the bed to sleep again for another 1hr before we had to check out. We were a little delayed when checking out but they didn't charge as luckily. So once we left the hotel we went back to the star but our bags away and only carried our wallets and phone before leaving again.

We took the taxi to townhall, where my surprise for him was waiting. We walked by the cinema and I realise I couldn't find my surprise so I was pretending I was lost which I knew that would be suspicious and that Ling would realise what was gonna happen. Anyway after a while of wondering around Rosie finally jumped out and surprised him a bit. But he sort of expected it. Rosie had brought a cake with her as planned from 85C bakery shop which was apparently very expensive.

The three of us travelled to Martin Place were we just picked a random place to eat the cake which was a Italian Chocolate mousse cake which taste pretty nice and very sweet. After that we packed and left to find the friends Central perk stall, which along the way we started exploring around and found a guy making big bubbles with a young little girl running after them jumping to pop them. Pretty cute and Ling gave him some spare change and ask him to make a big bubble for me to pop.

After a lot more wondering and getting lost we finally found the place only to find a huge line waiting to get in. Seeing the line we all just decided to go around look what it was like and then leave cause we didn't think it was worth waiting in line only just to seat on the coach take a few photos and then get a free coffee and go. So after that we left, for lunch in townhall at pepper lunch which I have been craving to have for quite some time. It took about 8 mins to get there.

After lunch, we were discussing what to do afterwards and Ling seemed to really want to go watch a scary movie and sort of blackmailed me in saying that if I didn't watch one with them I am not a good girlfriend. I felt pretty upset that time cause after everything I did and spent for that weekend and he said such words made me feel pretty upset. I agreed unwilling and randomly thought about something my sister said about shanghainese guys and I felt one part was true but then that thought was broken when in the end he suggest to just go to the arcade nearby and so that was what we did.

At the arcade we played a few games and it was very entertaining except the scary game at the start which Ling made Rosie play and she was panicking and getting scared from all the jump scares. I was scared to but at least for me I blocked my ears so the sound from the game didn't effect me too much. After that we had played another shooting game, basketball throwing game, table hockey game, and driving game which I won and I was very proud of it. We also test our strength and Ling almost beated his last record and injured himself again this time.

After the arcade, we left for maccas to redeem some tickets before leaving for the star so that Ling would send us home. Overall it was a fun day though there was a few ups and downs today but in the end it seems that I have made things up and everything is back to normal. . . I hope. Oh well I hope Ling had a great B'day surprise.

Ling's Surprise

On Saturday, I went out with Ling and brought some snacks for later that day as well as having lunch at Granny's Noodles. I love that place it is nice cause I love the noodles ahh so yummy. The day before I had accidently slipped out that I booked a room for us to say for the night. So we prepared things for the night.

When we got the city, we walked from the star to our hotel place and paid for our room which had a great view of Darling Harbor. Early that day I had given him his B'day card along with his game card for his favourite game currently called Dragon Nest. When we were in the hotel room we tried to get the internet working however, we couldn't so instead Ling used his own internet for a while as I open the TV to entertain myself.

Once he was done with  his game, which didn't take to long as he didn't stay on for that long, we decided to go out and grab some dinner along with asking the front desk about how to get the internet working. They sorted it out in no time and we left for dinner. Ling was craving for Kebabs so we left to the food court nearby where he got his snack pack which he loved while I grabbed some Maccas before we returned to the hotel.

While we had dinner, we were watching movies that was display on TV, the first one was called 'Big Momma 2'. During the movie, outside our window we saw that there were fireworks and I felt really lucky that I was able to book a room with this view on this day to see fireworks. We weren't show why there was fireworks but I felt really happy that we had such a good view of them. Later, we fixed the internet and Ling went on DN to do a few things while I switch between channels waiting for 'I am number four' to come on TV.

Once it started Ling came back on the bed to watch with me. The movie was create and very entertaining however the adds in between was very annoying. Once the movie ended it was pretty late but we became a little hungry so he had some of our snack which included instant noodles. On television only Yu-gi-o (cant spell it sorry) was on so we watched that while we ate. Once we finished we watched a while longer until I fell asleep half way.

That was pretty much how the first day ended. I had another surprise for him the next day which I would blog about on a new post. :) Overall I had a great day and Ling seemed to really enjoy himself and I  was glad that he did. So I'm pretty happy.

Tiring Day

This morning before I slept which was roughly around like 2-3am, I was feeling a little depressed cause I felt somewhat dishearten. I was dishearten that I couldn't be in Ling's embrace as I slept and dishearten that he didn't wait and call me on Skype so we can Skype all night like we used to. But as planned in the morning I woke up and got ready to go around shopping for Ling's gift.

I travelled to townhall in search of the gift I had in mind, I used my phone to find the stores I wanted to go thought it was extremely difficult to navigate through it as it had multiply levels. Every shop I did find was super expensive and I decided that in the end I got to this one shop I been before which was 8 times cheaper. I also found some other interesting things and I thought that I should buy cause he would enjoy it.

I haven't walked so much in such a long time that I was feeling exhausted after all the shopping but I couldn't rest yet as I had some Centrelink things I had deal with and dinner with my sister and mum later that night. Centrelink was dealt with pretty quickly however dinner was tiring as I had to shop with my sister for some Halloween things, like a head/skull-looking bowl and ghost cookies cutters.

In the end we didn't even get anything cause we couldn't find any. But I'm just glad that I finish all preparations for Ling's Bday I hope he likes it ^.^

Finally I can relax, I can't wait till the weekend comes >v<

Mum's Home

My mum came back home today nothing very interesting except getting a gift from my cousin and I got a charger power pack which I have been wanting and waiting for quite some time. I do miss my mum now that I don't have to do anything and my mum is back to cooking meals and cleaning and everything else. Having to leave on your own makes you appreciate the times when you were younger and your parents took care of your every needs.

But to be honest, I would still rather be out and independent and I know I might not be as good at keeping the house clean or cooking or doing those normal house chores. But I really love the feeling of being independent and that I have someone I love next to me which reminds me how much I miss Ling staying over at my house. I really wanna move out with him soon and live that independent life I want.

My sister also came home today and spent dinner with my mum and I though everyone wasn't really conversing during dinner time cause my sister was watching TV while I had my laptop. So I don't know it just didn't feel like a family dinner but we are going out tomorrow to eat so hopefully then we can actually do some family bonding.

Finally thing, I wanna mention and I believe everyone who read the previous blog and this blog would know already. But I MISS LING SO MUCH and I especially thought of him when I freaked out about the spider in my room and than got a huge panic attack after capturing it, releasing it and finding a large cockroach on the wall right next to you. My Gosh, I was on the brink of tears so close to crying and all I thought was I wish Ling was here cause if he was I would feel more comforted and relax and wouldn't have to do all this. It also reminded me of how I used to scream when there was a huge bug and Ling would come running over to me worried and the help me get rid of the bug. I miss him. . . Y did he have to leave???

Sigh. . . One good thing is I would see him soon and I am gonna make a big surprise for him even though I know he already know parts of the surprise but he doesn't know that I am giving him extra gifts. You know I think he knows I am gonna get him things and maybe even know what I am gonna get him cause I not good at hiding things and he seem to just know me to well. But I would do anything just for Ling. I just LOVE HIM SO MUCH. You hear that, I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOUR PRESENCE. . . sigh I wish he was here. . .

I want to come back

I want to come back to blogging life but than again there isn't anything. I really wanna blog about and nothing knew happens to me. Nowadays I spend my time at uni at home with family when there not overseas or spend my time at Ling's house. There isn't much to blog about and not also a lot of time to blog.

Maybe this month I can blog more since there is a lot more things gonna happen. But then again I do have like 3 more assignments I need to hand in and by the end of this month it wouldn't be so busy. . .

Oh well, we'll see. I'm just gonna wait for my mum to come back along with Pat calling me which he hasn't done yet and I still missing him like hell. I wonder if he feels the same way??? Sigh. . . Missing someone is so painful. TT^TT

I Miss Him So Much

I never thought I would miss someone so much that I would cry when the leave. TT^TT

In the last few weeks, my parents have been overseas and I invited Ling to stay over cause being along at home seems a bit lonely though I rather be alone then have my parents or rather my dad at home. So he has been living with me and we spend everyday and every minute together however my mum is coming home today and he had to leave. I started crying when he left and I didn't think I would be so emotional when he left.

I really really miss him and I never gonna forget our time living together. I just hope soon in the future we could move in together when we both jobs where we can pay for rent and bills and just live together independently. It would be hard telling my parents this but I really wanna be with pat every single day and night. This is how much I love him, how much I miss him, that right now I am still have tears trickling down my cheeks.

I am happy my mum is coming back and I do want her back cause a lot of things would be easier. BUT OMG I MISS HIM SO MUCH. SO SO SO SO MUCH. I know it is not a break up or anything but still I can't help but start tearing up TT^TT

MISS YOU SOOOOOOOO MUCH LING~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

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Never Felt So Lonely and Depressed

I haven't blogged in a long time but there isn't much too really blog about. Nothing exciting or new or anything interesting that has happened to me lately. All I have been doing is either spending time with Ling at his house or going to uni or complete a weekly task or just playing on my computer. Nothing interesting to blog about.

Today is an exception, I feeling so down in the dumps that I really just wanna get things off my chest. I am gonna be really honest here and I know if I might say some things that might make someone who reads my blog a little upset or guilty but don't cause I am not trying to blame or make feel that way but I really just wanna get things out of my head and maybe I would feel a lot better.

Lets start with recently. . . Recently I have been feeling super depressed and lonely, I believe it is cause I am so attached to Ling that not being able to see him at least 3-4days a week. This week I have only seen him on Monday and haven't seen him and can't see him til Friday. This is 4 whole days. That to me is too long. I can't stand it. Even though I talk to him every single day on Skype but no matter how many times we call it just isn't the same. I know who he doesn't like calling prefers meeting up with me and I always say that I like calling cause when I am not with him I can at least hear his voice. But even though I believe that I just can't stand not seeing him for long periods of time. Even in Korea I missed him so much. I didn't feel depressed cause I still had friends with me (however I am reluctant think of the trip cause some events still makes me feel upset and angry about).

I miss Ling so much and it is so much more worst than I have ever felt before. I just can't stand it to the point when I think too much into it I feel tears in my eyes. I missing him til the point that I am crying over our distance. I know it is unbelievable to how exaggerated I am over not seeing Ling for just a few days but those few days feels like a week or 2 or even more. It is just unbearable.

Other things that are at the back of my mind though not the sole reason for my depression and loneliness but it still effects me just a little. I wanted to go to a night club for a very long time even before I turned 18 I couldn't wait to see what a night club is like. I wanted experience it first-hand I wanna see and feel what every other young adult is feeling as the go in there. I guess the many reason for all this I see all my primary school friends that I used to know and talk all become these party girls that every now and then go night clubs with there friends and have fun and so forth but I am always trapped under my parents control fear of causing them to be angry at me and yell at me. But they are going China for a while and I thought great this is a perfect opportunity to feel like everyone else. However, the best thing about going to a night club is going with your friends and just having fun and experiencing the night life together. To much of my disappointment no one wants to go the 2 friends that I really hoped could come alone just aren't interest in these things or just not bother with all the preparations. They have there reason and I can't force them nor am I going to. I have given up with that I don't wanna be that friend that force a friend to go somewhere with them cause I want them there. I done it before and they didn't really enjoy going to the event that much anyway. What is the point of going with a friend to a place when they aren't having fun with you.

I gonna end up going with Ling. I am happy that I am going to go to a night club and going with Ling but the first experience just isn't gonna be the same. I always felt night club is like a girls night out or a boys night out kind of thing when you spend the night with your friends but I am not gonna experience it like everyone else. Why do I have to be like everyone else anyway? Cause I feel that I don't belong anywhere I never did. I can't belong with Asian born Australian and I can't really belong with the Australian born Asian either cause most of them are the ones that like the night life except the friends I have who are an exception. To be honest people say be unique don't follow others but I like to I wanna belong and feel part of the crowd and every since primary I never really felt like party of the crowd just an outside watching in. Even though I have great friends It just always feel like I can't fit into the Australian society but I can't fit in the Asian society I don't even know where I belong. I wanna just be like every other Australian out there but Im not that social. It is hard for me to go up to someone and start making friends. what do I say? what should I say? what if they don't like me? So much worries I have.

To end the blog I guess I am just saying I am disappointed that I can't enjoy my first experience of night life with my friends but at least I can experience night life in a way. I am depressed and lonely recently cause I can't spend as much time as I want with the one I love and that is the main reason I am feeling so upset that I am gonna cry a river for. I know these things aren't a big deal and there are worse things out there but to me not being able to spend time with my friends and my bf makes life feel so horrible.

I can't go on anymore. Tears already trying to force there way down. I better end this before I start breaking the laptop with my tears.

Btw if my friend read this please don't feel bad about what I said. Like I said before I started I am not blaming you I am just feeling lonely a little alienated from society and generally I am just depressed and thinking too much like I always do. I don't want you to because of this post to suddenly change your mind cause if you do I feel like you are only doing this cause I said these thing and I would be feel guilty and more depressed. I just want to let out my feelings. I do feel a little lighter having left off all these thoughts and emotions. But depression and loneliness is still lingering in me. I think only Friday when I get hopefully get to see a friend I haven't seen in a long time and I get to see and touch my beloved BF again this day would when I feel all better and cheerful again.

P.S not gonna blog my fanfic today maybe 2mr or next week. I am just not in the mood for it today. I did start a little please wait patiently.

Stages of Crying

There are 5 stages of crying for me from light tear in your eyes to the heavy crying with tears pouring down your face and uncontrollable breathing.

The 1st stage of crying is when there are just light tears in yours and the fall gentle down your face. Usually I experience it when I'm watching a sad scene in a movie or drama.

The 2nd stage of crying when tears fall freely down your face, your eyes becomes red and your nose feels a little stuffy. This is when you are upset about something. Maybe not something serious. Can't remember when I get to this stage cause I do cry a lot and usually it comes to this stage. Normally it is when I am my mum or sister scold me or when I'm just feeling upset about something.

The 3rd stage of crying is when you are crying a little bit more hard, breathing becomes a little more difficult, your eyes are definitely red along with your nose and it feels like it is blocked. Sometimes at this stage you might feel tired after cause your eyes feels a little sore. I get to stage a few times normally after arguing with my dad. I normally pass through this stage though and get to this next few stages especially when I become a lot more emotional after arguing with my dad.

The 4th stage of crying is when tears stream down your face, begin take in big breathes just to get some air, eyes and nose are red while your nose is blocked, your eyes are sore after that you feel more tired that night and you get a small headache. I experienced this recently over. . . something that happened where I felt horrible and bad about myself. I began doubting myself, over thinking things just feeling so depressed. At this point, after you manage to stop crying if someone or something reminds you of what happened, you eyes begin to form tears that falls down your cheeks. Not sure whether to mention this to anyone cause it is a personal matter but then I felt a need to discuss with someone. I have resolved everything that made me feel like crying but the problem is still present there I just not sure how to get rid of it completely. . .

The 5th stage of crying also the final stage of crying includes heavy crying, take lots of big breathes but still feel like you are not getting enough air, eyes and nose are red with a blocked nose, your eyes are sore after and feels heavy that you feel like you should sleep which makes it much better. After crying you feel like your head is hurting and feel a little dizzy like you cried at all the water and salt out of your body. I experienced this a few times not often but those few times have only been caused by my dad when he is arguing or creating a big commotion at home that I can't handle. Haven't gotten to this stage for quite a while and never really want to ever reach this stage either.

There might be more stages but this is what I have personally experienced. What makes me wanna blog about this is only cause I had reach the 4th stage very recently. The problem is resolved but the main thing of the problem is still present and I'm just having a hard time figuring out how to deal with it. Not sure whether I should consult with others or just keep it to myself. I don't know how I meant to deal with things now. I don't know what to do =.=

Do feel like we are drifting apart?

I was reading a friends blog and I notice how she mentions about a specific friend. I feel like she was so close to her did it mean that she was much closer and knew more things then I did or not (even though they are not now but. . .) 

I am a jealous person and I guess I would get jealous if someone else becomes closer to a friend of mine that I am very close with. It is almost 13 years that we have been friends and I still remember the many years in childhood we spent together and play with each other. But then I realised back then I still didn't know you enough. I feel like you kept a lot of things to yourself  and I guess understand but I feel as though you know me more than I know you.

I wish I was the kind of friend that you could trust and tell anything you won't with. I want to be able to help when you are in need. But it seems that we are so occupied with other things in life that we begin to drift away. I know we are still friends and this friendship will still last forever but the distance between us seems to be growing larger. 

I know somethings are hard to reveal to some people but I wish I was the kind of friend that you could dump your worries and anxieties or thoughts and I can in return give feedback, advice or comfort. Friends are there to for you whenever you need them and I wanna be that kind of friend. 

Hope we are not drifting off as far as I think I also hope that I am not drifting further apart from my other friends. It seems that I been decreasing the distance between my Hun and slowly increasing the distance with a few friends. 

>.< I don't know anymore 

Depression or Mood swings

My point in this blog post might jump from place to place cause I am not sure what I am trying to say but here I go. 

I realised, I think I can hide my feelings in front of people maybe not Ling cause I still end up telling him even he did or didn't realise it. Yesterday, I was feeling really depressed and I sort was crying quite a bit but I tried to keep it quiet and maintain a normal voice when talking which seem to work. I was on a call with Beautiful and Ling. Beautiful was probably too tired and thinking about something or someone :P to have really realised that I was upset. I didn't know if Ling found out but I did try and convince by doing somethings on the game to annoy him even though I was relatively quiet which I am sometimes when I am around him. 

The thing is I felt. . . not sure what word to use really but I feel like I am not being a good enough girlfriend. I seem to always disappoint Ling even sometimes he doesn't say or says it is ok but I know that he is upset and not happy about it. Every time I think about me making him feel this way I feel so upset about it and it makes wanna just cry in a corner. I feel like every argument start because of me being or moody and making big deals out of everything. I feel that he always makes me happy but then sometimes I just can't do the same. . . 

It is hard for a girl especially for those who has very strict parents and don't allow you to do things or date things or just restricts everything you do. I don't wanna upset my mum after everything she does for me and tries to protect me. I don't wanna upset my dad cause he is sort of scary when he is. But then I don't wanna upset Ling cause if I do, I am always the one that gets more upset cause I know I am the reason I made him disappointed and I beat myself up for it. If I make one side happy the other side won't be. I just can't win in either situations I don't know what to do. I don't wanna chose. I hate choosing.

I don't know what to do. I really don't. It is funny how I say that my goal in my life is too make everyone around me happy but why is it so hard? I can't make everyone happy I trying but I just can't cause making one person happy would make the other one not. So what do you do in this case. Both sides are so important to me I love both my mum and Ling. I don't wanna make either side unhappy but I can't both side unhappy and then I am unhappy. 

Alright I don't know what to type anymore. I am getting too emotional on this and everything that is coming out my mind is just more rambling. I am gonna end it before it get too long TT^TT 

Feelings of Love

I found out recently, that a very very very good friend of mine has finally started a relationship. I am so happy for her and so happy that she is feeling happy with the guy. . .  and i don't know the point of this blog now. . . Oh I remember.

One I read about how she feels and listen to her about her relationship in some ways it reminds me of me one I first start dating. The non-stop thinking of the guy you like, remembering how the first date or confession day was like and just wish to see the person more and talk more and all that little stuff. hehe ahh the good times.

Though I like where I am at. I can't stop thinking about pat still the same as ever but now I just wanna spend every minute of every day with him and I mean physically be with him. Sigh I miss him even one I am on a call with him it just that on a call makes me not thinking about him not being next me but when I am not on a call i constantly think about what he is doing who is he and all that.

I miss him. >.<

hehe still not sure why i am blogging this :P

First Ever House Party

Never been to house party before and this time was the first time I ever went. To be honest is was a good and bad experience. I am little tired. So I shall, name it in dot points.

I like the experience of going to a house party though I don't like the atmosphere as much and the drinking.
I love the cute dog but he sort went crazy and jumped at me and kind of scared.
I was very social and thought it would be better if I had friends there
Had a very awkward meeting with a primary school friend
Meet some nice people there
I saw how Ling was like a party maybe he is just like that when I am around but if not I realised he is such a nice and caring person.
Don't like how guys took advantage of girls and kissed them when they are drunk
Didn't like how people vomited after drinking to much and passing out.

Other than that I guess I had a pretty good day :)

Family Issue

You know, I was listening to Ling's advice on family things and how his advice to my friend. He even asked what he thought of mine and in someway he is right but then. . . but then I still don't agree. Yes my sister has effect my thoughts on my father not only that everything he does. You know, no one knows what I have seen in the past and I don't know if anyone would ever know. 

You know I hear some many things about family things. Ling and BB both are improving their family relationship and it seems that my friend is having a tough time currently which I think may relate to family. I don't understand. . . I think some parents are just selfish. I think some parents just think for themselves and won't there child to do something for the benefit of themselves. For example jobs they want you to get a good job and in the future take care of them. 

SIGH~~~ family is just not something I can handle. I am closer to friends than I am with my family I just can't handle them or deal with them it is hard. So hard. 

What Is this?

I can't believe how clingy I am becoming, but then again I have this restrictions and it just makes these separations worse. >.< I don't know anymore.

You know throughout my uni life so far, I haven't spend so much time with Ling. In high school, you always see your friends everyday and I never had the time to spend with pat as much. But with Uni life, all your friends from high school go to different uni's make new friends do different things and the only one that would really always stay with you is ur BF. Not the case with some people but definitely in my case.

You know, I had a different view about Uni. Looking at how my sister turned out with hers I felt that for me it would be the same but it isn't. Most of the friends you make in high school doesn't seem to stay with you and it is hard when there are some people that just don't try to make the effort to actually stay in contact with you. Even before uni started, you would have realised who are the ones you would keep in contact cause contact them outside of school often.

This wasn't exactly the main point I was trying to get out sort of went of track.

Anyway going back on track, this feeling I am having is that I really miss Ling. Like it feels odd that haven't spend any of my time in the weekend to spend with him and at first I feel that I haven't been at home for awhile and I should. But then again, I kept thinking about Ling and I kept missing him and it feels painful and when I saw a photo of him on snapchat it  gave this sort of weird feeling. I kept looking at the photo over and over again. I just. . . I am really in love with him and I never knew that this is what it feels like to love someone so much.

I wanna spend everyday, every minute and every second with him if I could. But I am bound into a family into a tradition where my parents restricts me from going out to late and partying and having fun like the normal Australian young adults do. I hate being in an asian family that is so traditional that they stop you from what you want to do. Or maybe I am just too scared. Too scared of having no family to go to when I am in need. Too scared that I lose they only shelter I really have right now. Too scared of just upsetting them.

I know I have Ling to always go to but there is a tiny part of me where I think what if somethings happens and I don't have him what would I do then.

I hate being judge and that is all people do they judge you for what you do and for who you are. They may not say it but they think and I hate it.

AHHHH. . . I am rambling on and I don't even know what I am going on about. But the point is, I miss him and I wish I could move out with him and parents wouldn't give a crap if I did and what I did and just let me make my own choices and not care (though I know they are just worried about me). I need them to let me just spread my wings and leave the nest and have my independence. Sometimes I wish I was an animal where you parents care for you till you are old enough to just survive on your own. Animals have no need for money or beauty or anything like that. They just need to eat, sleep, drink survive and find a mate and have a happy family (though some animals have many mates and many families. . . which I don't want that to happen O.O)

Oh well. . . I just miss him =.=

I made a decision.

I have decided now, I am gonna start blogging again. The reason is because I remember why I blogged in the first place. I blogged so I can keep up to date with the people I know that reads this and I want to still keep them in my life. I know that it sometimes reminds me of a old friend who introduced blogging to me but I don't care about her anymore. As you go through life, you know who are the friends that are worth keeping and those that are not.

I have to note though I won't be constantly blogging. So much things happening now that I can't blog on every single detail and on some days that are quite there tends to be nothing to blog about or that I have to finish off some assessments.

So yeah, I guess I will blog a bit more now. Though I don't feel there is anything in particular I wanna blog about today other than my new decision.

So for now, bye bye :)

A wonderful start of the week

Partly back I guess. I been feeling a little down and I was gonna talk to Ling about it but I ended up not saying anything to him. You see, the first thing I woke to on a Monday morning was a the clashing of pots and pans onto the ground. Yet again, my parents fighting up something. How much things can you fight when u r a couple my gosh it is annoying.

My mum told me she gonna divorce my dad for the one billionth time. Should I believe it this time for a minute I wanted to. I wanted to believe that I would stop hearing the constant argument repeating itself over and over again. It is sort of like ur life is on repeat with. Sigh~ Maybe to some people that you would rather ur parents together then being apart but think about it. Do you really wanna live in a household where all you hear is arguments?

I really wish that my parents just say what they always say and get a divorce so I can live in peace but I know it wont happen. It never happens.

I stay at my BF's house often now and I am envious. I am envious at who wholesome his family is. Never heard yelling are argument just so peaceful. He has a happy and completely family. I wanting to move out of the house more and more but currently I don't have the money to do so.

I am just so sick of the arguments and I feel like at home there is no conversation where people are just speaking quietly to each and enjoying the conversation. I feel that every thing I hear at home are just screams and yells.

Ugh. . . I don't know. . .

I know not a lot of people would read this now but if anyone I know who reads this (are reads these post before though I feel there wouldn't be anyone else) I am not actually back I just needed a place to rant out somethings that are bothering me.

Bye Bye for Now

Quitting Blog

I decided to quit my blog cause for one i dont blog as much as I use to and two i only decided to blog cause of a friend but I wanna get rid of her from my life forever so might as well stop anything that would remind me of her or would may possible connect my life with hers. So this is my last blog forever or until I feel like bloggin again

Bye bye for now.

Don't Mistreat Others But Don't Let Others Mistreat You

I haven't blogged in a while and I thought I should blog something random. The first that comes to mind is something that had bother me a while ago. I told myself I don't care about it anymore and I don't care about that specific person anymore but if I really didn't care I wouldn't constantly wonder whether how she is and what is going on with her keeping up to date with the things going around her life.

My mum told me maybe it was herself that didn't wanna be friends with me and was upset with her and just used another excuse to cover it up. I thought not that isn't possible but then my mum is like she might just been really normal and nice on the trip just cause she had no one else at the time and need us at the particular moment. I thought about and I felt really pissed cause if that was the case then what I think about her would completely change instead I will be filled with anger and hatred because I filled used.

My mum just wanted to warn me not to think that everyone in this would is nice and not to think a little more complex into what people are thinking about. But don't do things that would harm others to, just protect yourself from getting hurt. It makes a lot of sense and I guess I always viewed that people are nice and no one has the thought of doing something that would hurt another person. In actual fact there are many people who do.

Ling was right, she was not a good friend. Someone who would break things off without a word or an explanation is just not right. Yes I admit what I did was bad but is this the way to deal with it. If you think about it I never lied or back stabbed you in the back before. I believe that those things are much worse than what I did. I can't understand and I don't understand why things turned out like this and if she wanted me to then she could have explained.

Ahh I am confused now. I doubt she would ever read this but if she does well then I would like to say that she is liar. A friend of mine who read this might not think so but it is what I think. Cause she once told me that the only thing she can't stand in a person is a person lying to her face or someone back stabbing her or someone pretending to be her friend yet I did none of those but I am treated like those who have done that to her. Well so be it.

Sigh~ Even though I say this, I still care cause I can't seem to stop. A part of me wanna believe that there is some misunderstanding or something that is blocking this friendship but you know what it has been almost 3 months and I had not once received any news so maybe I should just stop giving hope to this idea.

I don't know what to do now. . .

Need to Get Out

I don't know what to type exactly. So much thoughts in my head I can barely sought it out. I am feeling trapped, pressured, stressed and depressed. I have thoughts of eloping or a few times wanted to just leave this world but then I stop thinking about it out of fear of death and I have someone that keeps me from doing it.

I don't know what to do or what I should do. I feel useless and I probably am useless. I can't fight my own battles and fall with just one push. Now cause of all these feelings and things that has been going on in my life, I noticed I am eating less not because I want to but cause I don't feel like eating and when I do I only eat like half or less of what have in front of me.

Everyone who knows me that I can't do it but I just can't eat. It wont stay down if i force it down. I am lost. . .

The Future Ahead

It has been awhile since I blogged and a lot has happened. Well. . . Not that much except playing games and staying at home watching videos. I wanted to see my friends on tuesday in believing that everyone is free that day however I end up going out with one of the many people I have asked. I feel like I am neglecting them and not talking to them enough.

I recently also have noticed I become a bit more clingy with Ling. I mean I spent so much time with him on games and everything. But because I spent so much time with him I finally learn more things about him and find out some secrets. Though today I haven't spoken to him for a whole day and it feels. . . odd. . . He isn't telling what he has been up to and it sort of makes me feel insecure. It is just I like to know these things one for entertainment and two well I like to know how his day has been since I haven't spoken to him.

Another part of me feels like he doesn't wanna talk to me or wants his own space right now. I fear he thinks I am to clingy but then he says he misses me but his actions seems a little different. I don't know maybe I am overthinking it like I always do but I overthink to protect myself for hurting as well. Sigh. . . I don't know.

I feel that the future is so close yet so far away. I got my offer and got into the pretty good university for something I want to do but then I feel burden by it. I was happy about it, I truly was but now comes facing the problem of my dad. He doesn't want me to choose this course and absolutely in against it.

He wants me to become a nurse and he makes it like he knows me so well that my personality and my capacity is only good for that career. But he doesn't know me that well, he doesn't know how uncomfortable I get one I see someones else's pain I can't even take these pain myself. I will probably cry when someone else cries and I flinch when I see blood and cuts. It brings shivers down my spine. Just thinking of it scares me. People say I am scared of blood it isn't just that, when I see a cut I feel like it would hurt and I am uncomfortable even though the person with the cut may or may not feel it. But subconsciously my mind tells me it is gonna hurt and I freak out.

I admit I will have to see it when I be a teacher but I won't see it as often as I would becoming a nurse. So now comes to how to tell my dad that I am not gonna learn that course. Such a struggle in life.

Other things, I have been doing is trying to find a job which hasn't work out well recently but I have volunteered for 2 jobs and I need to attend an interview. I can't wait and I hope I get in cause it would be a good experience and I wanna try out different things to help improve my own abilities.

I have started to learn how to drive as well. That is coming along nicely. Driven about 4 hrs got a lot more to go, scared of learning how to park and still need quite a lot of assistance. But I am getting there. I am progressing through life slowly, though I still wish to continue just playing games and enjoying that freedom life I have.

However I need to become more independent need to get a move on. Job finding is my first priority now, not really still gonna game a bit :P

I feel Selfish

I have been pretty depressed lately. Sometimes I can just cover it up and let things distract other times it just all comes back. But I have such bad sleep and a lot of things trouble me. I feel like I have neglected something very important. I have been so caught up in my own little tornado of emotions that I forget the impact I had on someone that is there for me and will bring back down to the ground safely.

I feel like I am making no sense now, so I get straight to the point. I know Ling has constantly wanted to either sneak out with me at night or go out with me for a few days now and I have been pushing it back cause I just wasn't in the right mood. But I forget how important he is in making me feel so happy, so loved and cared about. Though he said he denies it, but I know I made him upset again. I havent been offensive enough.

Ahh~~~ I just feel so bad. I feel like everything I do is wrong. I feel like I always making people unhappy even though all I want is to make people happy.

I don't know anymore
I really just dont know.

My mind is a mess
My heart is a mess
No part of me is understanding what I am thinking.
What is wrong with me? Everything. I am selfish that is why a lost a friend and that is why I made Ling upset tonight. I. . .

AHHHH >.< All so confusing. I can't take this no more. I need to break out of this depression I need to make the one I love happy and make sure he knows how much I love him.

My head hurts from all this >~<

Too Naive

I feel stupid. Why? Stupid in believing that some friendship would last forever. I have been so upset about this one thing that has been bothering me for over a month and yet that person doesn't even seem to care. Maybe I am wrong but I feel like I am treated as if I did something absolutely horrible and I deserved to feel so depressed.

I now have a mixture of feelings about this. Part of me still depressed and if I think to deeply about it or even talk to someone about it I feel like tears will fall. The other part no one knows about is being angry. Angry at the fact that I cared more about the friendship that the opposing side. I am angry that after how many years of caring, worrying and things I tried to help was all for nothing. All for me to be ignored and not even given a proper farewell or have the person tell me themselves that they won't or can't be friends with me.

After everything we have been through do I not at least deserve that much, one simple goodbye. Obviously not. Obviously what I did was worse then backstabbing them or saying bad things about them or doing something that would make them lives feel miserable. I had a thought of making that person feel guilty or unhappy just like they have done to me. But I couldn't, cause I still care and I still want to hold on to my promises. I could never do something bad to someone I care about. I could forgive and forget so easily but I realised that to some people it is like the hardest thing to do.

Why am I like that? I feel like I would always be taken advantage with this attitude never fighting back. Never hurt anyone that has hurt me. People would think I am easy to be treated like nothing. Easily used and then thrown away.

I guess this friendship truly meant more to me then it had to them. All the effort was to nothing, it all just ends up into a dead end. I could have used those effort on other friend who wouldn't have cause me some much sadness and cared for her more so I wouldn't have hurt so much now. I guess this is how things must end.

Last meeting

She was in my dream. I was like nothing bad had happened and she talked to me like she always have. It was sort of like a continuation of our korea trip where we went to another city in Korea. I felt so happy talking to her but then I knew it was a dream. I asked her did she know that I heard from Maria about her and she told me Maria was lying.

But I felt Maria wouldn't especially if she told me that something happened on seoul tower and that was the reason why I can' talk to someone.

In the dream she was like how I remember her but I told I know this is a dream cause I hoped that in the dream maybe she could decipher it for me since I wouldn't be able to ask her in reality. She seemed sadden that I had said this and I told I wish this wasn't a dream and I wanted to keep talking to her. I even told her I knew that this was the last time I would ever she her. I felt tears well up and I was so worried that I would really cry and wake up.

Denise later comes up and tells me you will be happy again later. I hoped she was right. After that I felt a buzz and I return back into reality. The reality where I will no longer ever have any contact with her. I miss her and still hope that this friendship isn't lost. But it is. She. . . Sigh. . . Is this really the end?

Lost A Friend

Anyone understands the feeling of losing a very good friend. One person I know might but she is the one I have lost. I understand why and I have gained a deeper understand when I asked my mum about her reaction. I just never expected that someone would give up a friendship just like that and I thought that she would be one of those people who would fight to hold on to a friendship.

Maybe she doesn't care about our friendship anymore and maybe she doesn't want a friend like me anymore which makes more sense knowing that she hasn't changed and she is the type to fight for a friend that is worth it and obviously means I am not which I have to accept whether I like it or not.

To be honest, I never cried when I lost a friend or I know there is someone I may never contact again. But this time I did cause I felt I was very close with her. She knew things about me that not a lot of people knows and I knew things that she hadn't told a lot of people herself. We seemed so close to me and after one mistake everything end just like that. It isn't something I expected.

I was a little annoyed finding out why I couldn't contact her because I wished she told me herself and as early as possible and not let it drag until now. I am upset that I thought that this friendship was more than it was. Now because I thought this way, it has made me hurt even more than it would have. I have given up and maybe I should persist more to keep what we have. But I don't want to keep a friendship when the opposite thinks otherwise.

I say my final goodbyes, I will let out my last tears for the end of what I thought was a good friendship at least for a while. I guess not everyone can forgive and forget or maybe this was something to big for people to forgive and forget. Oh well Farewell Onee-san.

My feelings are Right

I knew something was gonna happen back even before I went to the korea trip. I keep trying to contact a lovely friend of mine and I love talking to her. I feel that there are somethings I can tell her cause she understands what I went through cause of her own experiences. But not just that I like her perspective of things and she gives advice that helps me at times to sort out problems.

I wanna keep that friendship cause I feel that she is someone worth my time. But when you try and try to keep in contact with someone they don't seem to give a response, you feel like you cherish the relationship more than the opposite party. I know it might not be the case and probably has a very busy life but couldn't you spare one moment in messaging me one line or word or letter.

Sigh, I worry for her and I miss her. I just wanna talk her about anything.

Cant Be Apart

I never thought I would think of someone so much that he would always be constantly in my head. Even when I am doing something I think of him. I feel my feelings for him grow and our relationship has truly improved a lot more over the last year. How long will this last? How long could this feeling last? I honestly hope it would last forever but then I doubt myself.

I doubt myself having the capabilities to hold on to him and over the 6 days we have been together, it made me feel less capable. I know there are things I need to improve on and hopefully would do that.

I really love him and I can't help thinking about him. I have now gotten the habit that I sleep much faster and easier with him either near me or when I can hear his voice in the background. I fear that one day if this all ends how devastated and depressed I will be. It would be my first heartbreak and I don't know how I will deal with it then.

I hope this won't come. If I have a new years resolution it would to be improve myself, improve cooking skills and skills that I feel that would be useful for myself and for locking in my love.

Happy New Year

Last thing for today and the most important is:

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT YEAR AHEAD OF YOU. 

Catch up of my life.

I probably won't finish blogging about Korea cause all that was left of the the next 4 days included going to Nami Island and Petite france and Everland. The rest of the days we went last minute shopping for things we needed and gift things for friends. That was about it and when we returned I got picked up by Ling and spent most of my time with him until about 3 and I went home to sleep.

I did see him at night that day too. In fact after Korea trip I saw him for like 3 days straight. Every day we go out and then he take me home. Then I spent a couple of days at home until I went out again with some family friends to watch a movie. That night I also went to a hotel with 2 friends and Ling.

There was actually 2 nights that we could stay and I didn't know that but then my mum was upset with me and didn't let me go. So I went home and spent about this next 2-3 days at home except one day where I went to go get my centrelink and tax file things done with Ling.

After that my parents went on a 6 day trip to Tasmania and I spent those days with Ling non-stop. It was a pretty good time.

6 days of Ling

I have stopped blogging for a long time and that is cause nowadays there is so much things to do and I have been spending a lot of time with Ling. So I forget to blog every now and again. During HSC, I had to concentrate on study and the only way I could relax was blogging and now I don't have that problem so I started neglecting this blog.

I still wanna blog and I wanna blog about all the depression I have been feeling recently. I don't know what caused it and why but I often have that uncomfortable feeling in my heart. I cried a few times in the past few days. Most of the time I kept it hidden though I couldn't for long as I spend almost 6 days with Ling.

I love spending time with him and I felt extremely lonely when we had to part. Part of me wish that my parents didn't come back from Tasmania or at least gone for a longer time so I could spend more time with him.

You know. Ling and I sort of had a small fight in one of the previous days. It is the first time that he was upset with me and I was upset with him sort of thing. I can't even remember what he did but I got upset and ignored him. I was more hoping he would do his usually thing and hug me or make me feel happy again. But then he was upset that I was ignoring him and he left the house.

*Friends who read this don't tell my parents*

He was sleeping over that night as well so when he walked out of my room he took his bag but not his laptop. So I thought he would come back and so I just stay staying upset but eventually as it always does I lost the feeling of being angry at him. I was worried of where he went and I found out he was sitting outside.

I didn't know what to do and I didn't wanna be the one to make up first just a stubborn part of me. So I went in and out of the house a couple of times feeling really upset. I let Lady out cause she hadn't been out in a while and I though she would keep him company. He still ignored me and I still ignored him.

I though I try to make up. I went behind him and pulled his shirt once but he kept walking down. I wasn't sure if I should do it again. But my heart was beginning to hurt and I couldn't take it. I wanted to run back inside and cry. I walked back feeling hurt and I hide in a corner of the closet in my dads room for a bit.

Ling had came in and found I wasn't in the room. He then went back down and outside again. This time I went back on my bed and buried my head into the pillow wondering what is happening and why it is even happening. I didn't even remember why I was upset in the first place and so why is this still going on. He came back in the room and saw me on the bed but he grabbed his laptop, walked out the room and close the door.

I felt my heart dropped and I started to cry. I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to. I was sitting on the bed crying wondering if I should go out and stop being stubborn. I didn't think to long cause he came back in. I didn't wanna show him I was crying so I hide in the pillow again. He sat on my bed and he told me to look at him. It was hard I didn't wanna show him that I was crying and upset. But I looked anyway, he said before he go he wanted to say something. He seem to struggle a little cause he looked to the side and paused. I waited and thoughts came into my head like if he wanted to break all something.

Finally he said, I Love You. It made me feel relieved hearing it and I also said I loved him too. Though I was probably really quite. He had told me he didn't like being ignored and he could of just left before but he didn't. I was glad he didn't. I really don't know what happened. But I hugged him and stay there until I felt like the tears had gone.

It was the first time this ever happened but then what relationship won't go though this stage at least once. We made up and at first we were a little distance due to it and I had become very quiet but after a while we returned back to normal and made each other forget about it. I hope it won't happen again and if it does I must remember why it happened and if it was all worth it making such deal out of it.