Sorting out my emotions

I'm so conflicted right now.

Once again, I had another argument with Ling. I don't know how it started or way it started but I know this can't keep going on. I honestly don't know how to sort things out. My emotions are going crazy and I don't know which thought to listen to first. I can't even think properly.

It feels like every time at this hour, I some how agitate Ling and for some reason on Skype I would make me irritated. I don't know how. Some people you would sacrifice everything for your loved ones while other say love should be equal you get what you give. What to listen to. I don't know anymore.

Things I give don't seem to be the things he wants and I feel sometimes I ask too much of him. I ask him to drive me places ask him to pick me up or come out and take me places with friends. I tell him to do a lot especially with transport cause he can drive but he doesn't like driving all the time. I give him physical things as well. I support him and I do, do a lot for him but I feel it isn't enough for how much I ask him to do.

He wants surprises. Both he and I are sick of these arguments. He wants things to be interesting in a relationship. To him he thinks relationships need to be interesting and have trust. To me a relationship is. . . Just being with the person you love and doing simple things like talk about random things. I don't need much just lots of attention. Maybe asking too much getting him to always drive over cause it is easier for him and maybe cause I don't drive I can't understand how annoying it is for him.

You know what I want freedom. I want to be able to do what I want. I want to be able to make him happy instead of always making him upset. I don't know how to. If I could drive I would drive whenever I can to his house cause to me it is the easiest thing to do. If I could without my parents being angry at me for it, I would drive now to his house and surprise or drive whenever I miss him and surprise him but I can't. I am also restricted to transport there is no buses at this time of night. If I really wanted to surprise him early in the morning I have to catch the most earliest bus possible and travel all the way to his house by myself. Is that what I should do? That is possible the thing he wants. But all that trouble just to see him when it would have been easier to ask him to pick me up so I can see him.

I don't understand what I must do. I honestly don't I am an open book easy to read and easy to guess. I am being too selfish and lazy asking him to pick me up and asking him almost like he is my chauffeur. Is providing him with the things I do not enough? Is it him being selfish wanting more from me? Or is it me being selfish not being able to satisfy the things he needs?

I really wish he told me want exactly what he wanted me to change cause if I knew I would do it. Like how I tell him that I want him to pay more attention to me. I want him to show me he cares and not tell me 'he cares about me.' There are things he wants that I don't necessarily want in a relationship. I don't understand why one thing is so important to a guy. I don't understand anything in this world.

I can't keep doing this anymore. If I can't fix this, I don't know what is gonna happen. What does he want? What do I want? I am so worried about this relationship and so worried about my healthy and so worried about freaken everything. I can't mention somethings in here but there is so much I am doing for him and ways that no one will know and therefore help me with. I just can't. I wanna straighten things out now. Tell him how I feel. Hear what he feels. But I can't say it to him. Somehow I feel if I did I would upset him and make him feel like how I feel right now.

My mum said that I don't have an diligence with Ling and that I don't have mysteries or hide things that would make a guy want you and cherish you. I don't understand Love. Why is it that, when I am with him everything is ok? When I am with him everything is more than ok it is like nothing bad has ever happened. When I am with him we have no problems it is just us together nothing would break that bond. But when we are apart everything around us breaks apart and falling into pieces. I don't understand how I can mend it.

I can never explain this to anyone. No one is gonna understand. I can't tell my mum cause there is much she doesn't know and won't understand cause of her views. She would probably just criticise. I can't tell Beautiful cause there is things she can't know but without the whole truth she wouldn't get a full understanding of the situation. I can't tell other close friends cause there is so much gaps to fill in.

I am so tired of this S*** and I am so tired from work and I am so tired of these emotions. I can't deal with this life no more. It too hard. I got everything off my mind but it doesn't help with anything cause I still as conflicted as I was before. I still have no idea how to deal with all this.

Sigh~ I gotta sleep for work 2mr. Screw this life. So much restrictions to just leave happy life.