I haven't blogged in a long time but there isn't much too really blog about. Nothing exciting or new or anything interesting that has happened to me lately. All I have been doing is either spending time with Ling at his house or going to uni or complete a weekly task or just playing on my computer. Nothing interesting to blog about.
Today is an exception, I feeling so down in the dumps that I really just wanna get things off my chest. I am gonna be really honest here and I know if I might say some things that might make someone who reads my blog a little upset or guilty but don't cause I am not trying to blame or make feel that way but I really just wanna get things out of my head and maybe I would feel a lot better.
Lets start with recently. . . Recently I have been feeling super depressed and lonely, I believe it is cause I am so attached to Ling that not being able to see him at least 3-4days a week. This week I have only seen him on Monday and haven't seen him and can't see him til Friday. This is 4 whole days. That to me is too long. I can't stand it. Even though I talk to him every single day on Skype but no matter how many times we call it just isn't the same. I know who he doesn't like calling prefers meeting up with me and I always say that I like calling cause when I am not with him I can at least hear his voice. But even though I believe that I just can't stand not seeing him for long periods of time. Even in Korea I missed him so much. I didn't feel depressed cause I still had friends with me (however I am reluctant think of the trip cause some events still makes me feel upset and angry about).
I miss Ling so much and it is so much more worst than I have ever felt before. I just can't stand it to the point when I think too much into it I feel tears in my eyes. I missing him til the point that I am crying over our distance. I know it is unbelievable to how exaggerated I am over not seeing Ling for just a few days but those few days feels like a week or 2 or even more. It is just unbearable.
Other things that are at the back of my mind though not the sole reason for my depression and loneliness but it still effects me just a little. I wanted to go to a night club for a very long time even before I turned 18 I couldn't wait to see what a night club is like. I wanted experience it first-hand I wanna see and feel what every other young adult is feeling as the go in there. I guess the many reason for all this I see all my primary school friends that I used to know and talk all become these party girls that every now and then go night clubs with there friends and have fun and so forth but I am always trapped under my parents control fear of causing them to be angry at me and yell at me. But they are going China for a while and I thought great this is a perfect opportunity to feel like everyone else. However, the best thing about going to a night club is going with your friends and just having fun and experiencing the night life together. To much of my disappointment no one wants to go the 2 friends that I really hoped could come alone just aren't interest in these things or just not bother with all the preparations. They have there reason and I can't force them nor am I going to. I have given up with that I don't wanna be that friend that force a friend to go somewhere with them cause I want them there. I done it before and they didn't really enjoy going to the event that much anyway. What is the point of going with a friend to a place when they aren't having fun with you.
I gonna end up going with Ling. I am happy that I am going to go to a night club and going with Ling but the first experience just isn't gonna be the same. I always felt night club is like a girls night out or a boys night out kind of thing when you spend the night with your friends but I am not gonna experience it like everyone else. Why do I have to be like everyone else anyway? Cause I feel that I don't belong anywhere I never did. I can't belong with Asian born Australian and I can't really belong with the Australian born Asian either cause most of them are the ones that like the night life except the friends I have who are an exception. To be honest people say be unique don't follow others but I like to I wanna belong and feel part of the crowd and every since primary I never really felt like party of the crowd just an outside watching in. Even though I have great friends It just always feel like I can't fit into the Australian society but I can't fit in the Asian society I don't even know where I belong. I wanna just be like every other Australian out there but Im not that social. It is hard for me to go up to someone and start making friends. what do I say? what should I say? what if they don't like me? So much worries I have.
To end the blog I guess I am just saying I am disappointed that I can't enjoy my first experience of night life with my friends but at least I can experience night life in a way. I am depressed and lonely recently cause I can't spend as much time as I want with the one I love and that is the main reason I am feeling so upset that I am gonna cry a river for. I know these things aren't a big deal and there are worse things out there but to me not being able to spend time with my friends and my bf makes life feel so horrible.
I can't go on anymore. Tears already trying to force there way down. I better end this before I start breaking the laptop with my tears.
Btw if my friend read this please don't feel bad about what I said. Like I said before I started I am not blaming you I am just feeling lonely a little alienated from society and generally I am just depressed and thinking too much like I always do. I don't want you to because of this post to suddenly change your mind cause if you do I feel like you are only doing this cause I said these thing and I would be feel guilty and more depressed. I just want to let out my feelings. I do feel a little lighter having left off all these thoughts and emotions. But depression and loneliness is still lingering in me. I think only Friday when I get hopefully get to see a friend I haven't seen in a long time and I get to see and touch my beloved BF again this day would when I feel all better and cheerful again.
P.S not gonna blog my fanfic today maybe 2mr or next week. I am just not in the mood for it today. I did start a little please wait patiently.
No comments:
Post a Comment