Been really emotional today, I don't know why but just had so much going on in my head. Today start of with being with Ling on the car where we slept in the car in the morning. I was woken up a couple of times and feeling a little irritated. Later I wanted play with Ling a little but then he wasn't interested and kept stopping and I got bored and irritate and some how start arguing and sort of throwing a mini tantrum.
I realised it wasn't his fault just me being very frustrated and irritated for no reason and I didn't know how to calm it down. The more I thought into it, the more irritated and pissed I got and all I wanted to do was punch something or throwing something or even just scream at the top of my lungs but I couldn't at that time. So I ended up just pinching and squeezing my arm until I felt better. I didn't wanna cut into my skin but when I felt the pain in my arm, I felt some sort of relief and once I calmed I didn't feel anything.
I thought about how Ling might be angry and leave me but I felt nothing except a hint of sadness inside me but it was like a wall blocking every feeling away from me. I had no feelings anymore and I felt calm. So I thought I should be the one to make up for what happened with Ling since I knew it was me who caused it and I don't even know why I did it. So I hugged his arm when he was driving and tried to hold his hand but he let go of my hand and wouldn't let me hold it.
That feeling cut me so deep. I felt like he didn't love me anymore, he didn't want me anymore I tried a couple more times and I felt hurt and upset and I finally felt something and tears start rushing down my cheeks and I was happy about it cause I could finally just let all my feelings out. I wanted to cry yesterday but I held it in and I wanted to cry before when I was angry but nothing came out. But now I was crying cause I felt sadden that I made Ling no want me anymore. However, around the 3rd attempt he changed his mind and held my hand. I was relieved, upset, happy and all I thought was finally I can let all these feelings out as well as I never want to let this person go again.
I didn't but before lunch when I was telling him about how I was feeling something he said made me feel depressed again and I just felt completely bad about myself. Felt like I can't do anything right and I didn't do anything right. All these negative things about myself all came rushing in my head and even though Ling tried to cheer me up nothing worked and kept being depressed until I came home.
I started distracting my mind for all this depression however Ling called me and told me he probably won't make it tomorrow, he might for dinner and he will call me tomorrow to tell me. That moment I felt really upset, I know why he couldn't but I should understand that he needs to help his dad with something and it probably very important. But I couldn't help feeling upset and I really wanted him there tomorrow. I can't help but feel sad and he told me not to be depressed but I can't help it. I wanna cry and wanna tell come don't leave me. I want him to understand that I need him right now and that I will break apart if he isn't here to support. I want him to ignore his dad's needs to come but I am being selfish and I know I can't tell him to do that. I know he cant be here right now to support me to cheer me up. . .
I just don't know what is going on with me and I just wont someone to understand. I want him to understand but I know I cant tell him. I cant do anything TT^TT
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