I am curious what does everyone do when they are upset? Are you the type to hide away and cry by yourself? Or do take all what you feel and throw it out on to others? Or do you like to be comforted by love ones?
Probably most people choose the last option a few prefer the first and others the second. Why I ask this? Well it is complicated. I don't know which one Ling is. But today I could feel that he wasn't in a good mood and I felt it before I called in the afternoon.
I have said my mood would normal change along with Ling's but it isn't exactly like it this time around. He sort made me feel really upset and angry. He said things he use to say last year. You know things like wanting me to make decisions and suggest things and all that which I didn't like but I deal with it. But the one thing that got me was the things he said about me which was mean to me.
He said things like useless or that his friends think I look ugly and retard and took drugs or something. He tells that it makes him look bad and all that but he doesn't seem to understand how that would effect me. How do you expect me change my look? For him I could sacrifice a lot and I have things like sleep and all that to keep him company and taking the risks to go out at night and hoping I don't get caught. I would do all that cause I love him and I wanna make him happy.
I don't think he sees that. But when you here something say how bad you look or how useless you are, do you know how much that hurts. I can't help the way I look and these words hurt me more than it should hurt him much more. The fact that he doesn't want his friends to see me means he is embarrassed to show me to the people around him. You know if you care what others say and think then maybe I shouldn't be with him that would make things easier. Though I say this, I don't really want it to happen cause I still love him.
You know, he saw one of his friends and decided to go in another direction so we didn't bump into him and says he doesn't wanna those people to see cause he knows what they are going to say. I let it go but I was angry and it showed in the way I respond to him when he asked where we are going. Though he kissed me and it sort of made me happy it doesn't change the fact that to him I am an embarrassment.
Maybe I am looking at this all in the wrong way but it hurts. Another thing, today I felt really unimportant because Ling decided to leave 15 mins earlier cause his phone was about to die and he wanted to play his game on his phone. He said to forgive his selfishness. . . In the end I will cause that is how I am but inside and felt hurt.
Sigh typing all this out, makes me feel better cause I releasing all my sadness out even though I am sort of crying, I still feel better. My friends who read this please don't even mention this to Ling I rather keep this to myself even though I probably should let him know how I feel. I rather just keep it to myself.
Anyway Off I go. I need to wash my face and go have some soup and pretend nothing is wrong in front of my mum.
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