Can't Do This

OMG, I wanna swear. I wanna yell. I wanna scream. I feel so frustrated and angry and confused and just so messed up. I don't understand and I don't know how to communicate it. I just don't get it.

Why must things be so difficult? Why can't I just express myself? I don't know who to turn or where to turn. I don't know. I just don't know.

I don't wanna deal with the same thing over and over again. I don't wanna feel this same kind of feeling over again. But I just can't get it out and I can't seem to let people know.

This is eating away at me.

I CAN'T F***** DO THIS ANYMORE. PLEASE JUST STOP. PLEASE.

I don't understand what changed.

Never mind, my head hurts my heart hurts everything has just broken down. I. . . I just. . .

AHHHH~~~

Alright, you know what I got a little bit more than a month left. I can't think about this anymore. I am not wasting anymore time on this STUPID problem, I can't. I am gonna study non-stop that is gonna be my distraction. . . TT^TT So hard to express everything. I am so messsed up right now. I think I am gonna sleep. Sleep away my problems.

Goodbye Confusing World. . .

Lost. . .

Does anyone else feel lost? 

There isn't much time between now and the HSC. 

I still don't know what I want to do even though I though I had everything worked out. 

Doing education would be the best option for me 

but going to USYD made me realise that I might not be as interested as I thought I would be. 

I find Civil Engineering so much more interesting 

but I could never reach such a high goal. 

I am not just lost in a career path. I feel lost everywhere. 

It is hard to explain these feelings I have so much worry is building up 

and I don't know who to ask to give me advice. 

I would have asked my sister 

but the words wouldn't come out. 

You know I felt a pain in my heart today. 

I don't even know what I am even saying. 

I really gotta sort thing out in my head. 

. . . I really feel so lost right now. . .

. . . Lost for words. . .

. . . Lost in life. . .

More USYD Activities.

I forgot to mention some things before during our engineering touring, we saw this tower building thing where we test out a building we build out of spaghetti. There was another group of boys who also tried out and I can tell u that our tower was much more better than there but also you could tell who made it.

Taken by my friend, Beautiful. (I think)

We also made a super ball except mine sort of failed but my friend S.Z made one that was pretty good. My beautiful friend also tried out this chair that when you are holding this spinning wheel the chair would spin. Some kind of physic reasoning to it which I am not sure of. But it was cool and pretty fun.

I also feel a little more at easy now due to speaking with S.Z about her trip ride home and things we talked about made me feel better about Ling but I still have these doubts and I am still a little worried about whether he is losing interest though not as strongly as I was before. 

But oh well, today was a fun day. ^.^

USYD Open Day

So today was a very busy day and pretty fun though I had a few things on my mind from time to time. I meet up with S.Z and Beautiful at 9 in the morning before going to USYD to listen to lecture and all that.

We had free food, and look at the cool things in the Engineering department which I must say I was really interested in. It seem so cool. I meet up with D.H, Y.W, and I.Y who after there chinese class. So much info I got and I realised what I really feel like doing but I know the possibility of me getting in that field is hard cause of the ATAR and all that.

Also today, I saw a lot of people I know though I don't talk to them I still know them. One of the many I saw was this girl named Min. I think I might of mention about her but I DON'T LIKE HER. One reason is because I know she doesn't like me and two cause I am a jealous person and I hear that she likes Ling.

Though, my friends are very comforting as they told me things like I look prettier and all that. I don't see her very good looking but I feel that Ling might think so. Plus she is good in gaming which I don't and that gives her an advantage which doesn't matter cause Ling is mine right now.

There was one person I really wanna to see today but I never did and it felt like she didn't want to see us either. I am being selfish wanting her to be with us instead of her new school friends and that guy she says she doesn't like. If so then so be it. I am selfish.

I really wanted to see my onee-san. I really wanted to catch up with and I want to talk. I just really wanted to see her but from what we could tell she didn't really wanted and was more engaged with the people she is with. I was pretty sad about that and I guess I should be more understanding to her but from what I feel, she seems different. She is getting along with her new school friends a lot now. I don't mind all that but I feel like cause of her new school friends her attitude and all that has changed. It is just a little feeling I have and I could be wrong.

I was so of disappointed and upset knowing I couldn't catch up with Onee-san and I pretty sure until the end of HSC, I won't be able to see her or catch up with her. Well if that is what fate has planned then so be it I guess. I will miss my onee-san until I can see her again in possible 3 months or so.

Another feeling I got, is that Ling and I doesn't seem to be going on the right road currently. It might just be me thinking too much but I sort of think that Ling is losing interest. I mean it is fair enough, I should never expect it last very long but I would be extremely upset to have end the relationship. I guess, I shouldn't think like that but recently his attitude and behaviour is different. You know he sent me home today before he sent S.Z home that says something doesn't it? I don't know anymore. If he is really considering it I rather get it other and done with then not know. If not then he should share whatever problem his has cause I am his girlfriend and I would do what I can to help him. I actually got a lot of question related to Ling and I don't know what to do with them.

I guess whatever happens, happens. I am just afraid that whatever happens would lead down a very painful path. >.< I don't know so many saddening thing happened today and the fact that I am sick and tired isn't helping. I can't even sleep yet cause I got tut homework I need to complete.

Oh well let's get this over and done with. Off to study. . .

Sleep

Recently, I have been sleeping way too much to the point that now I have a headache from sleeping. I don't know what is with me but I just really wanna sleep. Maybe it is cause sleep allows me to escape reality and escape facing the problems in the real world. It could also be that I wanna sleep cause I had some medicine to cure my cold.

But still, I slept way too much and I am being so unproductive by sleeping so much. In fact I wanna sleep right now but not because I am tired I just wanna sleep. I guess sleep is the easiest way of getting rid of your problems but it is only temporarily cause once you wake up, you have to face reality once again.

Sigh, I have a feeling that there is something up with Ling recently. Reason because what is happening recently reminds me a lot of last year and a couple of weeks before the term 3 holidays began. I am not sure what is wrong with Ling but I feel like something is bother him. There is other explanation but I really not sure about any of them.

I have been concentrating on my own problems and curing my cold so I have properly observe what has been happening. Though almost every waking hour, I just wonder what could be the problem is and when ever I am not thinking about it, I would wondering about my only little problems. Gosh, I hate all these problems =.= Teenagers aren't meant to have problems, we are meant to be having fun. . . That is life.

Oh well, I need to go be more productive so I think I do some study if my brain allows me to. =.=

I Admit It

Alright, already. 

I will admit it guys, I am sick. 

It isn't bad, it is just a really irritating cough. 

I been coughing a lot today and drink lots of water. 

Knowing me drinking water is out of the ordinary. 

But as long as I don't talk to much I think I don't need to cough.

As long as I drink lots of water, my throat feels better. 

But still, my voice is a little croaky. 

I hope it isn't to noticeable I am sick. 

I don't wanna admit it but unfortunately I am. 

Though my parents make such a big deal out of it. 

I just have a cough and they are like:

omg I don't feel to well either. 

The atmosphere isn't good we need to disinfect the air. 

Must cook some vinegar and get rid of germs.

Honestly, It isn't that don't be so dramatic about it. 

Sigh, oh well. 

It is just a cough I will be better. 

In fact I feel better now I slept when I got home. 

I haven't been talking and had some medicine.

My urge to cough is less. 

All good. ^-^

Me Stupid!?!?

Sad, I was called stupid twice today. Who called me stupid? Well it is none other than. . . Beautiful and D.H. Yes that's right me to friends called me stupid. Why? Well, they have good reason and in fact I do agree in some areas but not fully.

So they both know about the incident on friday and me being depressed and all that. D.H called me stupid cause I don't get angry about what Ling had said and his friends and all that. Saying why didn't get mad or why did I just let it go so easily and all that. Yes in that way I guess I am but honestly now i think about it what is there to really be mad about.

His friends think I take drugs cause I am too skinny well you know what there is a benefit for being my size cause I can't eat as much as I want and not worry about weight. Also I can eat a lot of sweeties and barely gain any weight. Another thing I though of was that if I was on drugs then I should really give his friend some cause he isn't one of the fittest people in the world.

Really to me, now there is no point of being angry because it is just his weird point of view. Anyway, I like my size cause I no one can ever achieve my size and everyone is jealous of it as well. . . Well maybe for my size they would want to be a little bit fatter but mieh. There very little people who are gifted in skinness so don't hate our beautiful figures ^-^

Hehe, yeah I have really big self-esteem today such a big difference from yesterday night but oh well. I need to look at life in a new light. March into future off I go ==> :)

Questions?

I don't know what is with me tonight but I suddenly have these questions that I really wanted to ask Ling about. However, I couldn't really ask cause he was with a friend while on a skype call with me and I didn't feel comfortable asking while his friend is there.

You know, I always wonder why Ling had decided to date me. I come to realise and remember that I sort of made it very obvious that I liked him before he told me he liked me. But I wonder what made him choose me and if it is like what he says about having a lot of other girls chasing after him then why had he not choose them and instead choose me.

I question myself constantly and asking myself whether I am really a good girlfriend cause I feel that everything I do doesn't seem good enough. I constantly feel that I am not good enough and that there is other people better.

I am a very jealous person and honestly I don't really like hearing about Ling and how other girls flirts with him or so he says. I heard that you are jealous because you feel insecure about yourself and yes I am insecure about myself. About my appearance, about my personality, about myself generally. Everything about me seems so standard and likely even below that. I have no good-looking appearance. My personality is too nice (sounds good but has it disadvantages) and I feel like I am too shy or embarrassed to really express my true feelings.

Haha~ I have such a low self-esteem at the moment.

You know there is this girl, I really dislike. I don't even know her and maybe she has a really nice personality but I don't like her. Why? Cause I can feel that she hates and I know that she has some kind of friendship with Ling. She has things that I don't. She is good at playing games, she looks pretty good in pictures that I have seen her in and well there interactions with each other seem close-ish. Yes, you can say I am jealous. Reason I started thinking about this was I remember hearing a compliment about something she did that was good maybe an artwork or some kind of makeup thing, I don't know.

Just AHH~~~ Why am I so insecure? >.< I really want to know why Ling had choose me and what he liked about me or likes about me. I don't think he has ever really told me what he likes about me. He always says he doesn't know why he likes me. The response varies depending on his mood but he never honestly told me.

Is it just his hormones running wild? Yeah probably is. . . What am I expecting? I should know that most high school relationships or first relationships have a very low chance of lasting. He also varies in his response about it as well one minute he says he would be with me forever and take care of me and the next he would say you never know maybe some thing happens and we end up breaking up.

I am so confused. I don't know anymore.  Why is love so confusing?

I feel so lost right now and I barely understand what I am saying and just have so much questions and problems. I shouldn't even be worrying about it cause the main focus is HSC but you know I really do love Ling. It is hard describe what it is like but I not sure that he feels the same way even though he might say he does. You really never know what he is thinking.

AHHH~~~ So complicated. . . How am I meant to sleep with all this spinning around my head? I NEED ANSWERS TT^TT

Beautiful Talk

Right now, I am on the bus and feel really happy. 

I dont know if that would change when I get home. 

But talking with Beautiful gave me ao much comfort.  

It seems like I didn't need Ling's hug even though I miss him a lot. 

I am happy, I was able to talk about some personal stuff with Beautiful. 

It is has been a while and it feels and good as it had always had.

Even though I didn't get everything off my mind. 

But still. . .

I hope I can talk like that again and listen to her problems too.

Thank you beautiful for being there for me. 

I LUV YOU SO MUCH~~~ 

Though right now I am a bit scared about going home.

Gonna try think positively or just about BTS, friends and Ling. 

Shed Tears

4 days in a row now.
4 days that I have shed tears.
It seems that this weekend is just a really bad.

I got Ling stuff sorted and I am not bothered by it anymore.
Now it is my dad.
What can I say that I haven't said before.

There is so much and I don't feel so comfortable to speak about.
I tried today, I tired to look positively and smile.
But I couldn't, Beautiful told me to stop and with that I couldn't hold it in.
Tears fell naturally gravity forces it out and nothing I could do to stop it.

This sadness would linger inside for a while to come.
I need to improve on my acting skills so I don't let Ling see it.
Though I really want him to be here with me.
I really wanna just hug him and feel so sort of comfort he would give.

This is wishful thinking, I know I won't see him today.
Oh well. . . I independent, I can keep these emotions together.
I am strong. I am gonna force the happiness out of me.

No temper

So today, I have been talking about my problems with D.H. Though she didn't give any advice she did somehow in her own way make me feel better. I am glad I was able to talk to her and just let everything out once again cause I did feel better than.

See I told her that I decided to just let things go and move. Not matter how much pain I felt I was willing to just forget about it. She seemed shocked or just speechless cause she sent me ". . . " and then sent "no temper." Yes, that is me I have no temper. I don't get angry easily and when I do I usually forget it rather quickly. Though if I am upset it takes a little longer but I usually forget it as well.

This is somewhat a good quality to have cause I don't get angry and I can just let things go but there are of course down falls to this quality which I feel like I mention this before. . . I don't know I read my lovely onee-san's blog and I felt happy how much she cares for me. She was angry for me instead. I was really happy but the again, I shall say don't be angry. What is done is done and all I can do is cry and forget about it. Forget and forgive. Cause life is to short to be angry about little things. (Reminds me of a song by Neyo called "Mad")

Sigh, I feel that I should have shown to Ling that I was upset about what had happened. But I don't exactly regret it. Realising how mentally strong I am hehe (maybe). Nothing can get me down. . . well for now my parents arguing is getting to me but you know. I feel a lot happier right now. Though I should sleep early tonight cause I did shed a few tears today, so my eyes are a little tired.

Oh well, lets move on everyone. The drama, the sadness all ends here tonight. Tomorrow is a new day and I shall smile cause I should. Yup, off I go.

One after another

=.= Everything is coming at me on after another. 

Finally, I feel better about everything I was upset about. 

And now?

Once my dad comes home, it is like he brought a storm with him. 

All I have been hearing since he got home is his complaint. 

He keeps arguing with my mum. 

He keeps telling my mum how useless she is (reminds me of someone. . .)

He keep telling her all these bad things and just so much arguments. 

So much yelling no peace at all. 

Just as I thought I can be happy again something just has to bring my back down. 

AHH~~~ When can I truly smile again. 

I missed that time I smiled non-stop that I felt soreness in my cheeks.

(That was when I was watching a lot of BTS videos, haha~)

Sigh~ Tomorrow would be a good day. Yup it would be a wonderful day.

I must believe that it is. 

That is my only hope and ray of happiness. 

It still hurts. . .

You know the saying "Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Well I don't think it is a very good quote. I keep have the same words been repeated in my head over and over again and same questions that repeat itself so many times I lost count.

Last night, I felt the pain of the words and after letting it out I though that I was over it yeah words will never hurt me. But I was talking to a friend cause I wanted some opinion or just talk to a friend. As I was typing everything just floods back and my pain and hurt flows with it. I haven't felt that much sadness in a while I mean felt anger before but not sadness.

I want to forgive and forget. I don't want him to know but I think of him my hear feels heavy. I think of him and I just don't feel in the mood to talk to him. Another thing that worries me is that I feel that he has something bothering him and though I don't wanna talk to him due to the words that I keep hearing. I feel the need to be there cause I should be there for him when he is upset. It is such a strong eager to just forget my own pains and go there to be with him in case he needs support.

Should I go with my own wishes and just avoid him for the day? Or should I not be selfish and forget about the pain I felt for the past 24hrs just to check if he is ok? If I do the latter, it means I would never show him how much his words had hurt me. But if I didn't, I would feel bad for not being there if he did need me. Either way, I would feel pain. None of the options seems to give me an advantage. . .

. . .

Guys, I have. . .

. . .

I have decided, I am gonna let everything go. I need to be sure he is ok. Yup, if he is then I just sulk in the corner by myself until I feel better and if he isn't then I would force the happiness in me to help cheer him up (I really don't know how to do that).

Reflecting. . .

I am just thinking a lot today. . . I was watching videos of BTS and I found out the meaning behind their new song and I feel like I connect with the song a bit considering it was talking about the danger of relationship and how one side feels that they are giving more while the other isn't doing much at all.

Remember in the video, Jimin was worried on how he would expresses a male character who doesn't receive texts and calls from his girlfriend. This got me thinking. Am I a good girlfriend? Yes, my friends said I am and all that but really am I?

Sometimes I feel that I need to be more initiative and decisive and plan things so that it seems that I contribute to the relationship and making and effort. But then again, I never ask anything for him other than his loyalty and love and that is all I really want in a relationship. I want someone to love me, understand me and makes me happy every time.

Though I noticed Ling doesn't seem to notice somethings I do and at times he doesn't understand the nervous and fear I have one I do something that is out of my comfort zone, like sneaking out at night without my parent knowing. I would never do it before and for him I did. But I know he doesn't see that and I guess I need to show him I care and love him as much as he loves me.

Sigh, I'm confused, upset and just not sure. Yesterday, I was upset and angry for every bad thing he had said about me that made me hurt so much. But then again I realised that at one point of the day I wasn't really a good girlfriend and I think I might have made Ling think I don't know him well enough. This was cause he wanted me to get him something and I had to decided. I didn't want to though I thought maybe kebab but then I was like nah maybe not and I got M.V to decide for me and she ended up with the kebab. Another thing was the sauce I thought I should have told them to but chilli sauce knowing Ling likes it but then since Maria order it for me, I felt like I shouldn't say it and I didn't. This made Ling thing I didn't know what he liked and that he was angry that I didn't decided though I thought but just didn't but my thoughts into action. . .  Sigh

I don't know, I feel bad for not being good enough girlfriend to Ling but then again I am still a little hurt from the things I remember yesterday. I guess my mood has dropped once again. If it would pick up any time soon would depend on how I feel when I wake up tomorrow morning. =.= Night everyone.

what do u do when u r upset?

I am curious what does everyone do when they are upset? Are you the type to hide away and cry by yourself? Or do take all what you feel and throw it out on to others? Or do you like to be comforted by love ones?

Probably most people choose the last option a few prefer the first and others the second. Why I ask this? Well it is complicated. I don't know which one Ling is. But today I could feel that he wasn't in a good mood and I felt it before I called in the afternoon.

I have said my mood would normal change along with Ling's but it isn't exactly like it this time around. He sort made me feel really upset and angry. He said things he use to say last year. You know things like wanting me to make decisions and suggest things and all that which I didn't like but I deal with it. But the one thing that got me was the things he said about me which was mean to me.

He said things like useless or that his friends think I look ugly and retard and took drugs or something. He tells that it makes him look bad and all that but he doesn't seem to understand how that would effect me. How do you expect me change my look? For him I could sacrifice a lot and I have things like sleep and all that to keep him company and taking the risks to go out at night and hoping I don't get caught. I would do all that cause I love him and I wanna make him happy.

I don't think he sees that. But when you here something say how bad you look or how useless you are, do you know how much that hurts. I can't help the way I look and these words hurt me more than it should hurt him much more. The fact that he doesn't want his friends to see me means he is embarrassed to show me to the people around him. You know if you care what others say and think then maybe I shouldn't be with him that would make things easier. Though I say this, I don't really want it to happen cause I still love him.

You know, he saw one of his friends and decided to go in another direction so we didn't bump into him and says he doesn't wanna those people to see cause he knows what they are going to say. I let it go but I was angry and it showed in the way I respond to him when he asked where we are going. Though he kissed me and it sort of made me happy it doesn't change the fact that to him I am an embarrassment.

Maybe I am looking at this all in the wrong way but it hurts. Another thing, today I felt really unimportant because Ling decided to leave 15 mins earlier cause his phone was about to die and he wanted to play his game on his phone. He said to forgive his selfishness. . . In the end I will cause that is how I am but inside and felt hurt.

Sigh typing all this out, makes me feel better cause I releasing all my sadness out even though I am sort of crying, I still feel better. My friends who read this please don't even mention this to Ling I rather keep this to myself even though I probably should let him know how I feel. I rather just keep it to myself.

Anyway Off I go. I need to wash my face and go have some soup and pretend nothing is wrong in front of my mum.

Trial Results

Is it worth crying over your trial marks?
To me it isn't worth crying over
because you know what you did and you know how much effort you put into it.
But I wanna cry.
I really just wanna breakdown and cry cause I am such a failure.
How can I do so bad?
How can I left myself fall behind my own expectation.
If I can't even reach my expectation, how am I meant to meet other people expectation.
I didn't wanna cry in school and I just held it in as best as I could.
But once I was out of school and away from people I know.
I couldn't hold it in.
I just couldn't.
I began tearing up on the bus stop and on the bus.
Tears roll down and there was nothing I could do to control it.

I realised some things and I need to change.
I have to.
I am need to study a lot more.

I know a couple of my friends would read this.
I don't want them to know I cried but I need somewhere to express myself.
So here I am blogging about it for just a few seconds.
I will study better starting today.
I need to do better for my HSC
otherwise I might as well just face my fears and do something I hate.

. . .  depression is falling through again. I wonder if anything can bring me back from falling down this endless, pitch black hole.

TT^TT

RAGING

Where to start??? So many emotions running in my head at the moment and the one that is most dominant is anger. I don't know what is with me but I am getting really easily anger recently. Yesterday with Ling, I did get anger but then again I am always anger by him and I know he is joking with me and teasing and I let it go easily.

Off topic but Ling went to actually try on a suit yesterday, made me happy to know that he is actually coming to my formal though he doesn't wanna take me to his and honestly I rather not go. I feel that I need to show off and make myself look really really good that way making Ling like good among his friends. Plus he is so popular and all that I just don't really wanna all that attention. Though, he did say he doesn't wanna go to his. . . who knows. I am happy he is coming to mine, I wish all my friends went to formal that would be fun ^-^ Oh well I know some people don't wanna come for whatever reasons they have. This time around I will let it be and I won't convince anyone.

Back on my original topic. Last night, I was angry at my dad and also fought with him. I am not sure why I react the way I did and in fact I know there was a better way to deal with it but I couldn't do it that way. I didn't wanna sleep yet and my dad kept forcing me to go to sleep. It just irritated me, I know sleeping early for my benefit and so forth but gosh I don't care I wanna do what I want and there isn't anything he can do about it. I don't know I was so angry about it yesterday. I sort of went out in my own little tantrum and yes a stupid reason to get angry. But I don't know what was with me I got so angry and I ended up bashing my fist into the wall though it wasn't to hard cause it didn't hurt at all (unless I was to angry to feel it. . . Haha nah I am scared of pain, I was a little cautious of it.) I did break down to tears but for a few seconds cause the anger was overwhelming. I just overreacted and now I know things may not go down that well when he comes home tonight.

Over small trivial thing happened today, which is with my mum when she keeps coming in my room and at one time checking on what I was doing. She kept asking me are you doing you work, what is that you are reading. I just flipped out and told her to get out and just told her she was annoying. It was a big thing like it was with my dad and my mum seem to understand to leave me alone cause she left my room. I feel really bad but then I just don't feel in the mood. Today I just feel so down and every little thing seem to make me angry.

I cried again today but this time from watching something but to me it wasn't that upsetting but I had a feeling that I was not just crying because of the thing I was watching but I feel that I was pouring out all my frustration and anger out as well. I don't know But I feeling so. . . messed up. I don't know even know what I am feeling but everything feels so negative at the moment. But if I look on the bright side negative charges attract positive charges and therefore something positive will come my way (going into some science things haha.)

I will cheer up soon just I need to hide in a corner and calm myself down.

Update.

I haven't blog for a while and mainly cause nothing big has really happened that made me wanna blog. Plus I have been so distracted at times that I forget to blog. But now I have time and there are things I do wanna blog about.

One thing is that I recently caught up with my two family friends. One is A.Z who I meet while travelling home and I started talking to her and discussing some private matters that our family have been talking about. My other family friend I caught up with was Rose on a call with her (including Ling) I talk to her about some things and all that but then we didn't really get to talk much cause of two reason which is one falling asleep on the call and second. . . somethings sort of happen which I would be talking about in my next post.

So yeah, recently nothing big happened to me. I enjoy company with friends and Ling. Basically feeling a lot more at ease after trials are over and done with.

Scared

I was scared tonight.
My heart beating fast.
My mind was falling and my barrier was rolling down.
At the brink of crying.

I couldn't keep up with that wall I keep up.
I was able to block out everything.
I was really frightened.
I just sat in the corner of my dark room.
I tried calming myself down and I ended up talking to Beautiful.
I am glad she was there cause in a matter of time I felt calmer.

I need to rebuild that wall though.
It definitely gonna take a while but I am on my way.

Just calm down and think positively.
Breathe, Breathe I must Breathe. . .

Lunch with Sister

So today, I went out with my mum and my sister for lunch. We ended up going to eat hot pot which was so filling and yummy. I need to take my friends there one day probably on a weekend during lunch or at night. It is like a buffet place which was cool.

Anyway, weird conversation came up like a topic about my mum finding out something about a next door neighbour and all these kind of personal issues which I don't wanna mention online but I might with my friends. My mum also brought about me having a secret (*cough cough* Ling). My sister quickly brushed it off and was telling my something which I later found out some more information about my sister.

Haha, everything I am saying is so vague and not giving away anything. But it is relationship stuff which I don't wanna mention on my blog. But yeah I had a nice talk with my sister and had a great lunch. ^-^

Celebration after Trials.

Yesterday, I finished my last exam for trials it is such a relief. However, I wanted to be kill and die right after my exam and swearing at myself cause I know how much I failed. It is just so bad. SO BAD~~~

But I felt better later that day cause I spent a whole day of fun. It began with D.H where we went out to flemington to have some pho which I have never gone with her to eat before. In fact, D.H is the first person I have gone to flemington to eat. So yeah. . . We talked about stuff which I can barely remember now but I enjoy talking to her and spending time with her cause I haven't done so in awhile.

After having lunch with D.H, I travelled to central to meet up with my friends and I was there on time exactly the time I am meant to be there. Though I wonder why I always try to be there on time or earlier when I know most of my friends are gonna be late. But still I like to be early. So I waited 1 min for E.W and then a couple more for S.Z and then Beautiful arrived a little later. We travelled to Karaoke to sing which I have been waiting to go since before the holiday even began.

Anyway, during the karaoke, my lovely onee-san and Y.L arrived. I missed Onee-san, I haven't seen her in a while and when I first saw her my first urge was just to give her a big hug. Karoake lasted 2hrs which the ended up with shopping around for somethings. We had also went to capital square but unlike every other time, we didn't take photos in the photobooth even though I would have liked to. I just thought that people didn't wanna go in and take photos. So I didn't try and pursue this idea.

After the city, we went to have some korean Buffet place which OMG looks so pretty and I really love it. It was so cool. The thing that had bothered me a while before arriving was that Ling wanting to come. I felt really bad that he was cause I though that the girls want just a girls night out and I just felt like I disrupted it. Even though everyone was like it is fine. I still felt bad.

But honestly, I was happy to see him and be near him. I haven't seen him for a week and it was normal for us to meet on a friday. My friends had also noticed that he was much nicer and calm during dinner. When I was with him he seem sweeter as well and. . . Yeah I loved being in his presences. Apparently there was a lot of UFO's that night. . . hehe that was a joke that was passed around on the table when Y.L and Ling was talking.

Overall the food was delicious and everyone seem to really enjoy themselves. I ended up not going tutoring which I feel bad for not going but then I didn't wanna go in the first place. So after dinner, Beautiful, Onee-san and Y.L had left to go train station where Beautiful and Onee-san was able to talk to each other more on the train ride home and Y.L was meeting her special someone that night. Ling sent Shirley home before Ling and I went out for a little bit more that night.

I told my mum I would be home later and. . . well lets just say I got a little lectured by mum and later by my dad when I got home. I regret not being home on normal time but then again I wanted to spend more time with Ling and well somethings you gotta sacrifice something and this time it meant my ears. I was honestly really nervous and scared about that fact that my parents are unhappy and I don't like doing that to them. So I felt really bad. Ling picked it up as well.

So Ling and I ended up going to go watch a movie, Lucy. It was a good movie and I did like it though not the end as much but it was really interesting. Ling had also meet up with his friend that apparently had dropped out of school. I just stood there pretending I wasn't even there, but yeah. . .

I had a great day other then being extremely nervous and worried towards the end of the night. I don't know when I can be able to do this again. I also realised how much I wanna move out of the house so that I can stay out as late as I want cause I am a night girl. I like being out a night have enjoy the night life. I need that freedom where I can stay out at night and do what I want either the night markets or jsut sitting outside and watching the stars and the moon. But for now I guess I have to watch out and not stay out at night cause my parents. . .

Oh well, I had a fantastic day (other then exam and nervousness) I love my friends so much. It shall be one of my best memories ever and I will treasure it for always.

Trials are over

YAY!!! TRIALS ARE OVER~~~

I AM FREE, FREE, FREE. 

YOU HEARD ME, I AM FREE. 

Not really, I still got the big exam that is coming. 

The big scary HSC. 

But I won't worry about it know. 

I had a great day even though I started to worry towards the end. 

I shall explain all that had happened in another blog. 

Not today though I am really tired and can't be bother typing up a whole long post.

So, you guys just have to wait. Mwhaahahaha. 

But anyway. 

LAST IN SCHOOL EXAM OF OUR HIGH SCHOOL LIFE IS OVER.

WOOOW~~~

Dependent~

This is going to be a short post but I feel very. . .
It is hard to describe at the current moment really.
But cause of this feeling I realised how dependent I am.
When ever I have a problem, I like to discuss it with someone to sort things out.

But this thing I am thinking about isn't something that can be so easily let out.
I am not use to hiding things and I like to tell people I am close with.
I know I can't do it.
I know the comments the thoughts everything that would happen as a result.

I can't let it out. . . But the more I think about this the stronger this feeling is.
I don't know how to resolve and. . .
Sigh~ I feel really messed up and I don't know where to turn to or who to turn to.
I should solve this on my own but. . . AHHH~~~

I can't say it. I can't tell anyone. No. . . >~<
Alright, I am going to stop this post before I spill everything out.

Day ??? Complete

Haha I forgot what day this is now but whatever. 

I finished my Religion exam now and honestly I don't think I did that bad. 

As long as I pass this exam that is fine with me. 

Now it is time for the big study. 

The ones that I care about the most which is Bio and Maths Ext 1 

Wish my luck~~~ ^-^

Hate That I Love You

I have been into Neyo songs recently. 

This one with Rihanna is exactly how I feel with Ling. 

I do hate how much I love him and that he always makes me smile. 

He always has away to make me mad and then make smile right after. 

It is so annoying but still I love him. 

Damn that guy messes with my head. 

Alright not thinking about it anymore. Gotta study~

(These are the lyrics for the song) 

[Rihanna:]
That's how much I love you
That's how much I need you
And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)

[Ne-Yo:]
But you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did

[Rihanna:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong

[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oh..)

[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh

[Rihanna:]
Said it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain't right

[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
But I hate that I love you so

[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

[Ne-Yo:]
Yeah... Oh...

[Rihanna:]
That's how much I love you (as much as I need you)
That's how much I need you (oh..)
That's how much I love you (oh..)
As much as I need you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate that I love you so
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you (can't stand how much I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go (but I just can't let you go no..)
And I hate that I love you so

And I hate that I love you so.. so...

What Hurts The Most

You know what hurts the most. What hurts the most is when you feel someone else's pain and suffering. It hurts knowing that someone you care about and love is hurting so much. I for one can't see other's people pain. I can see it visually I can't see it verbally. I just can't see it. ( I am not saying I literally can't see it but it hurts to see it).

I come to realise one it comes to someone getting physically hurt. I feel that pain and though it isn't as strong as the physical pain itself it still hurts. It hurts to the point I wanna cry cause I can't take it. Yes, I know I am weak and normally if I do get hurt tears would form, but that isn't the point.

I don't usually feel someone else's pain emotionally unless I felt something or understand what the person is going through or that they person is someone I really care about. But physical pain is something I do feel regardless if it is someone I know or not. But it hurts much, much more knowing that the person is so close to you.

I wonder how one of my friends deal with it. She seems so empathetic (haha~ sound like I am calling her pathetic but no she isn't) I don't know such pain is something you can really describe with words and it something I don't think many would understand. Cause you think how can you hurt more than the person who is actually baring the pain. I agree logically it doesn't make sense but it really does hurt. In fact I think I rather feel the pain for the person I care about and love instead of seeing him or her in so much grief and pain.

I rather suffer than to see others suffer. Cause when I suffer that means I can't see others suffer which to me is much better. Haha~~~ Yeah I don't know. I don't like seeing others physical pain and so when people complain about how much they are hurting I feel helpless and upset that I can't help them myself and relieve that pain. Sigh~

You know, I probably won't handle the pain very well. In fact, I know how much it would hurt and how much I would cry if it hurts so much. But I still wish I could share the person's pain or at least help them forget the pain as much as possible otherwise I am just completely useless. Probably am. . . I don't think I relieve the pain, Ling is in. I don't know how much it hurts for him but listening and seeing just breaks me. I wanna cry and hurt for him.

Honestly, do I really love him that much? . . . At this current moment, I can say I probably do. I will be strong and. . . not be useless. Yup. . . problem I have to study for Studies Of Religion exam tomorrow. . . >~< what to do???

I CANT DO IT~~~

I can't do it. 

I can't, I just can't. 

Ling got a really deep cut on his finger today and he showed me two photos which I REALLY didn't wanna see but he sent it anyone. The first one, I saw made me feel uncomfortable and I deleted it the first message from Ling I have ever deleted. Anyway the second one, he sent. . . I threw my phone away from me. That is how bad I can't take the picture. I only got a glimpse of it and I couldn't take. 

I really can't be a nurse I just can't. I can't do it. This time from memory was a closer view so probably was what effected me the most. But still. . . You know how much I can't stand these things. I got to the point I felt tears form but only a little bit. I. . . WHY THE HELL DID HE HAVE TO SHOW ME??? WHY??? I AM NOT GOOD WITH THESE THINGS. I CAN'T I JUST CAN'T. TT^TT

Happy 96 Birthday~~~

Grandfather's Birthday today!!! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDFATHER~~~

I MISS YOU SOO MUCH.

Wait for me I am coming to see you as soon as I can. 

After HSC, I will definitely calm just wait for me. 

祝你生日快乐

祝你生日快乐

祝你生日快乐～

祝你生日快乐

Happy Birthday to you 

Happy Birthday to you

Happy Birthday to you 

Happy Birthday to you. 

Big Exam Day: Complete

OMG~~~ Finally, it is over the day I dreaded and suffered so long last night to stuff things in my brain. Alright I failed ancient yup I couldn't study both so I though one must do good in and so I study chem and failed ancient what can I do. But you know what I can't be bother. Who cares I just wanna sleep and relax a bit so don't judge. HAHA

Sorry I dont what has gotten into me but in a pretty good mood currently. WOOOWOOOO. Gonna go crazy for tonight before i fall dead to sleep. ^.^