Lazy Hypocrite

You know, I find it funny how I have to help when I should be studying when someone who doesn't need to study and does nothing but lazy around the place doesn't do anything. I mean really?!?!

Alright I don't mind helping out especially if it is for my mum if it was for my dad i would be. . . Mieh do I have to kind of thing. But it is my mum and she does everything and takes cares of everything around the house. So my mum recently is experiencing some back pain and from what I hear from her it really hurts. She is limping and it isn't very good and I worry for her.

She even considered to work 2morrow but I told her she shouldn't. She wanted to work for the money she wants to provide money for herself and so that way she at least as something to say to my dad when he says he earns "All" the money. I understand her view point but I told her what is more important money or your health and obviously she agrees with me that it was her health.

Sigh~ Problems are arising for my mum and I worry for her especially when she refuses to rest cause of all the things she has to do at home. My point being was that my dad instead of watching his stupid TV can't he do things for himself. I mean he can make his own lunch tomorrow and he tells me how good he is at cooking and all that then making a sandwich for yourself isn't asking too much is it.

He tells me to help my mum with house chores and so forth but what about you is what I want to ask. I have a good reason to not help out and that is I am doing the . . .  . HSC. He doesn't understand how stressful that is going to be cause he hasn't done it and another thing is he (and my mum) are giving me this pressures of doing well and all that. Well think about you want me to do well then give as much time I need to study and not help out for your selfish needs.

But again as I said I would help out my mum without him even requesting cause I am considerate and I understand that my mum is in pain. I know my dad sort of understands but if he really does understand he would help out cause he has absolute nothing to do at home ok other than watching whatever he is watching I just don't understand why he can't move his own feet and arms and help out there is just no reason.

On the good side, my dad is a bit more caring but not in most best way. He sort tells my mum to rest and says oh your problem is not big ok I have it worst and blah blah blah. It is the common thing I hear all the time with his complaining. He tells my mum not to complain when he does the exact same thing. I mean hypocrite!

Anyway, I feel happy that my dad cares but then the way he acts on it seriously irritates me. The way he won't help out when he has nothing more important to do and that he would judge that his pains is more worse than someone else's cause what does he know should sympathise a bit more ok. . .

Yup that is him, the lazy, not sympathetic hypocrite. I will help but not cause he asks because I am worried about my mum and willing to sacrifice my study time to help her. That is my little rant.

Hehe~ Don't worry I am still happy just somethings that really riled me up. Oh well return back to my normal state. ^-^

Myself

I wonder about myself a lot, not recently though cause I have been distracted. But if I think about myself I see all those things good and bad about myself. I notice somethings that I have changed and somethings I keep the same. I noticed that there are things that I don't know how to change. One thing I can change is having the ability to be taken advantage of. I don't like making people angry at me or upset with me or disappointed with (family is a different matter). So basically if I feel bad about something I would probably do something I initially didn't want to do just to make the other one happy which isn't a good thing cause they might want something is bad. So yeah how am I meant to deal with that?

I don't know sometimes with some people I feel more comfortable and I open a side of me that I didn't even know I had and slowly I realised I beginning to show a side of me that isn't the best side but it is me being a little more opened. I know swearing and all that isn't a good thing but it is another way of expressing myself and at times it relieves me from anger. I manage to hold in my anger very well comes with practice I guess. But not only that I have a sort time span of when I am angry cause later I begin to rethink about my actions and see how stupid I am to do what I might have done. It is me and I guess the good apart of me, but then don't take advantage of that either cause I know I trust someone until the prove to me that are not to be trusted. Not a good way to look at things cause really you should trust someone that u know u can trust but is how I say things.

I don't know my way of thinking always seem to disadvantage me but then it is advantage for others and if it is for the people I love I guess I won't mind give up something to see them smile. There are serious matters that I can't give in as easily it might take some time maybe a year maybe less or maybe more. It all depends.

Honestly I have no idea what I am typing about myself I felt that I need to blog since I haven't in a while and this was the thing that I have been thinking about today. Though this is just reflecting on me nothing more nothing less.

But I guess I am happy with me at the moment of cause there is so much more in life I need to conquer and get over but at the current moment I am happy. hehe~

(Sorry for a weird blog post, didn't really know what to say and my hands are frozen)

Festive School Day

Today, is an annual celebrated day for our school and every year we have sort of like a carnival event after our morning mass. (Never really been to a carnival but I am assume it is something like that.)

Anyway, I believe this year was probably the best festive school day compared to every other time we have celebrate this day and probably because this is our last one and we get front row seat, mwahahahaha.

Hehe~ I won't reveal to much of what happened during school but basically we had a morning mass then about 2 hours where we have activities, show bags and food around the school. With several of my friends we went around wondering checking everything out and even tried a tug a war game with another friendship group in our year. We won and I barely helped at all due to my strength and I guess cause other people did most of the work.

We had a teacher vs student match of soccer and teachers won by 5:4 but a pretty fun game to watch all though I still prefer basketball. We then watched a show case of dances, acting and singing by students in our school and most enjoyable part was watching a video made my teachers of the teacher doing there own mv of the song "Happy" which was pretty funny.

I had enjoyed myself today not only was school fun but I get to hang out with my beautiful friend for about 3 hours after school. We went to eat and then enjoyed ourselves as we stayed at the park. I love being out so late and the only reason I am able to stay out that late is cause of tutoring but either way I love being out at night.

I felt so happy today, being with my friends and seeing them laugh and smile made my day. I hope that I will see more of that. ^-^

Annoyance

I can't take it. 

I really just can't take. 

Why must he be so annoying and as the trials and HSC draws near 

I am losing more and more patience with him 

I can't I just can't I need an escape for the holidays. 

Alright whenever I can I am going lib 

yup that is the decision I might go burwood lib more often 

close to tut and also lots of food stores. 

yup alright short blog post. 

Gonna go dinner now 

Family Life. . .

I don't understand. . .

My hearts hurts when I thinking about it in so much detail.

It is a part of my life that I could never escape from.

It is a part of me that would remain forever.

I hate it so much that it would never leave.

Today during dinner, my dad was talking about taking an exercising machine from my sisters house and bring it here. The minute I heard this, I knew more problems and arguments are going to arise and it is going to pain my hurt once again. No one would ever be able to understand the strong hatred my sister would always have for our dad. No one would understand how much pain my dad has caused. I told part of my family life to Ling and yet I see that even he doesn't understand. I remember once hearing him say that what ever my dad has done has made my sister what she is. He doesn't understand that what my dad has done has only cause distance among themselves and hatred to linger. There was better was my dad could have dealt with these situations and not left this bitter end to there relationship.

I come to realise that I don't think many people would except that you can hate someone even though you share the same blood, even though you are family. They say you can't hate family but the truth is you can and I have seen it. It is sad seeing people that are meant to be so close yet they are far from it. I know and my mum knows that the hatred that crouches within my sister is something that would never disappear.

I sort of went off the point I really wanted to make. . .

So yeah, my dad wanted to bring over an exercise machine and not even ask my sister for her permission and I just sigh at this fact. My mum had to comment on it and bring my dad wanting to lecture me about it. I obviously avoided it by saying I am busy. But honestly, it is not very polite to just take someone stuff without asking even if it is from family. If it was a pen it is fine or something small but this is something much bigger. Another thing is that my dad think that since my sister his is own daughter that he can demand anything he wants from her or that what ever she has belongs to him. It is not the case.

My sister works hard to earn her own money. She works hard to get her own independence. She works hard to get out of this house and away from my dad and not everything she earns belongs to him. Because my dad has done nothing, nothing for my sister to deserve anything from her. Another than my dad giving her life and providing for her growth in life. My dad has never ever provided my sister with the love that she needed. (I admit I don't know if before I was born if he had but from what I can remember there was none)

Off my point again. . .

So hearing what my dad made me feel like he has now common sense or any manners. In addition, knowing my sister she would be very unhappy about my dad taking her exercising machine and in the end she wouldn't even want it back cause my dad has used it. This would then again lead to so much arguments as my dad would be so angry and unhappy about it.

But that isn't the main reason why I feel so depressed. I feel so depressed knowing that my sister would never have a good relationship with my father. And because of there relationship are family would never be complete. In fact, even without the broken relationship between them, my dad has already broken this family and even though we lived under the same roof. I feel like we are miles away from each other. This isn't a home.

I wonder if I will ever be able to my find that comforting and loving home.

Alright, I finished my small rant. I can continue to be happy again. I decided to type this up cause I was feeling down about everything that had happened at dinner and I really didn't wanna disrupt my friends cause it seems like I always dependent on them when I feel down. I don't wanna burden them. So I finish my little depression rant and I shall erase everything from memory and continue to be the happy and positive girl that my friend know me as ^.^

Similar. . .

Something just clicked while I was having dinner. 

I never noticed this before >~<

I was deep in thought during and sort listening into what my dad is saying.

I was saying how my dad always pick up on bad things my mum does.

He never picks on the million good things my mum does. 

I then come to realise that Ling always picks on my bad qualities.

Rarely does he ever compliment me. 

My heart tightened when I realised that they have some similarities. 

I told myself I don't wanna date someone that is like my dad in anyway. 

So I didn't know how to take that. . . 

I don't know how to feel about that.

I know I still love Ling and I guess this one thing I can look pass. 

But still, it was a shock when I noticed something that I didn't like.

Oh well. . . Who knows what will happen in the future. 

I will just enjoy now and I know regardless of this small thing, I still love Ling. 

Views on a wife.

Sigh~~~ My dad is truly abnormal. I was listening into my parents conversation and my mum told me that a family friend of theres say that a women shouldn't be too good in their studies/job as no man would want her due to unable to match with her. My mum mention my father thinks the opposite that a women should be so good that she instead takes cares of the family.

The conversation then lead to my dad saying that guys would only take care of a wife if she is beautiful and something about no such thing as feelings. I mumbled to myself in that case I never wanted to get married. Cause what kind of girl wants to get married with a guy where there is no feelings in between. There is a possibility there might be someone out there but for me, no.

If I guy likes me cause of my looks then stay away cause I don't want anything to with him. For me, I want to have mutual feelings of love for one another. I need to feel that the guy I am with loves me and I know that I love him. The guy I want in my life is someone that is nothing like my father. Though I am pretty sure in life there isn't anyone as bad as him.

I don't know what is with my dad and his views. It seems like all that he wants in a women is their usefulness to his own selfish desires. >.< I could go on about everything I disagree with my father and everything that is wrong with him but that would take to long.

I really hope I can find the guy I want that would give me my dream. That day would hopefully come.

Locked Feelings.

Not sure what happened this morning but my mind and heart wonder to painful memories of my past. These feelings all involved my father and my sister and everything that was related to that. 

I was able to escape those feelings and lock them up like I always do. 

I felt each pain like it was the first time. 

I could feel that I was at the brink of tears. But I forced them inside. 

I would not allow my tears to fall. 

I couldn't let myself feel that sad. 

There was an unexpected occurrence at the train station. 

I saw Ling at the station. 

He was late. 

I quickly tried to lock away that sadness I didn't want him to see how hurt I was at the point. 

I was able to lock half of it back inside but the other part lingered. 

I talked to him on the train a bit as I continued to force the sadness in. 

I feel as if he noticed it, but it might just be me. 

He said look on the bright side. 

I thought about it and Yes I agree I should however this might not be meant as how I interpreted it. 

I may be related to the conversation we had. 

But either way, he would not know what that meant for me. 

I am happy I saw him for a brief few minutes. 

Yup, I am quite happy ^-^ 

Own Little World

I have neglected the things that are important to me. 

I feel like I neglect so much things around me and I have missed out on so much information. 

I have been so pre-occupied with something that has troubled me 

that I have neglected to view my friends blog. 

I noticed somethings that seem to have troubled her and I wasn't there. 

I am glad my other friend was but I am sadden that I wasn't there at the time. 

But you know as long as she had someone and she is feeling happy again. 

Then I shall be happy too. 

At the moment I am still finding it hard to. . . 

There is a feeling inside me that I don't know how to express or explain. 

In fact I am not sure whether I should be happy or sad. 

I am just so confused. 

I really gotta sort things out but my heart tells me something different. 

Hmmm. . . I thought about it today. 

Maybe your head is much better to control your life. 

There is three parts of you that control you. 

The body, the mind and the heart. 

The heart can give up when it has been hurt emotionally. 

The body can give up when you are physically exhausted. 

But the head never gives up as long as you are strong willed. 

So why Should I listen to any other part of me when my head would lead me to the right direction?

But honestly, I don't really wanna listen to me head. 

My head tells me not to take risk and not to be adventurous. 

I want to be though. 

My heart is where I feel and where I belong. 

My heart is me. 

I wanna be able to be happy and make the people around me happy. 

I wanna be able to be that light that helps people through tough times. 

However, at times I thought about who is my light. 

Where are the people I need when I want them? 

But this is a selfish desire to want someone near you whenever you want. 

I don't wanna be selfish cause I understand that people have better things to do.

Of course you have the time that you are. 

The person I wanted to talk at the time didn't seem to wanna talk to me.

I was upset and angry but now I feel nothing. 

One reason is cause I am able to get over things rather quickly. 

Another is cause I am confused. 

The situation is complicated and I am not sure how I should take it to hand. 

Maybe I was being selfish and didn't think things through. 

There could be trouble or another reason. 

Some many possibilities. 

I am just lost. 

I guess I should just concentrate on making others happy.

Other people happiness is better than your own at times. 

When you see others smile, you find yourself smiling as well. 

That is a weird thing about me, I think. 

If I see someone hurt even just a little bit I would feel hurt. 

If someone cries I feel like I would cry to. 

If someone smiles then I can't help to smile as well. 

(Though the smile those depend if I am not in a terrible place myself) 

^.^ I am just typing random stuff. 

They are just random thoughts that popped in my head. 

Oh well. . . I guess I better get back to my own work.

I am gonna get out of my little world and help my friends again. 

I am going to. . . do something with my own situation. 

Need to figure out somethings. 

Distance. . .

Is distance good?
Should I really maintain this distance?
I feel that we are falling apart.
We are so close yet so far away.

Recently, I haven't contacted a friend of mine. Even though I see her everyday, I don't seem to talk to her. Monday, I felt something different about her and I though I shouldn't bother her cause she doesn't looked like she wanted to be bother. I decided that I wait for her to feel better and happier when she is she would talk to me. But I realised as I waited I grew distant from her myself. Things happened in past few days that only one of my friends is completely aware.

I began to hide this feelings and and situations only at the time of my distress will I want to rant it out to someone close. First time, I tired I talked to 4 people and among the 4 people there was only one that answer me at the time of distress. From then, I tend to rant out my feelings to her since she has been there previously. But now, I think back. I haven't spoken to my friend in person for a couple of days and I feel distant.

Is that what I want?
Is that what she wants?
I am not sure what I should do? I feel like I should start talking to her but I know if our conversation goes in deep I would let out my distress and that isn't what I want to do. For one she has enough on her end and two I am not sure I want her to know.

Not sure, what has happened to me? I think I am distancing myself away from people. I need to get my act together and not let this get to me. I need to be that happy and positive girl and make everyone smile. I shall be the ray of light no matter how dark my life is in reality.

Don't Understand

My heart is feeling heavy once again.
I don't understand at all.
I am so confused.
I mean does this have to happen every week.
Does it have to be so cold?
I don't get it.
Why do I care so much and others so little?

Just a small rant. It might not make sense and I guess is my intent.
Only one person knows about this so, I think I would keep it that way.
Until I figure out everything.
But for now I shall smile as brightly as I can.

Meltdown

I don't understand or really remember the reason for my meltdown. 

My dad comes in being annoying as he usually is.

Argument arises between the two of us. 

My mum helping me out. 

My dad becomes more and more angry and I just breakdown.

Why? I am not to sure about. 

Tears flow down into a endless pit. 

My mind could think about anything. 

I felt myself lose control as I shake uncontrollably. 

It lasted awhile and I couldn't concentrate on my studies. 

Everything that happen was a blur. 

I searched for comfort but realised that I shouldn't burden them for such a stupid reason. 

I seek comfort from my teddy bear that watched from my bed. 

I remember the day I got him and who it was from. 

I remember everything that made me happy and calm. 

Finding peace, I ended my breakdown. 

It has been a while since my last breakdown and not sure what cause such a big reaction. 

But whats done is done. 

It is all in the past and I never wanna remember it again. 

Just like every other breakdown I have it shall be locked away deep down in my heart. 

I shall continued to being that happy and positive self. 

Looking into the Future

A cool spring breeze brushes against my cheek as laughter can be heard from miles and miles away. Stepping into the beautiful garden as the grass dances with the movement of the wind. Smiles gaze at my from across the yard as I see happy eyes shining back at me with such warmth that I never felt before.

A tall young man stands in the middle of the grass spinning around with a young child in his arm. Both laughing and enjoy each others presences. The man gently places, the child down on to the grass as she dashes across the garden towards me. I huge smiles forms across my face as I bend down with my arms opened arms greeting the young child while she comes in for a hug.

"Mummy," she cries out in glee.

I pick her up in my arms sending out endless waves of love embraced with so much happiness that one could barely contain. Another pair of arms comes and wraps around me, squeezing both me and my child into a heartfelt embrace.

Time stood still as we stood in the beaning sunlight and the light breeze surrounded with a rainbow of colours throughout the garden. In the moment, all that rushed through my head was that I wish this would last forever and I wish that I would give my child the family I could never receive.

I want this as my future. I want to be able to live with the man I love and be able to have a family with the warmth, love and happiness that I have so long desired for. I want to be able to bring up my child in a family that is broken as mine. That is my ultimate dream. I would love to be able to work and take care of a family.

Set goals for this dream:
- Learn how to cook and clean (I would like the guy to know as well but to me I
  feel it is necessary I know as well
- Find a good stable Job where I can work and take care of a family
- Find the right guy who desire the same thing I do and understands how to
  take care of a family

Hehe~~~ Not sure why I am looking into the future. This might not even happen. There is the chance that I would never find the right guy or the right job. There is many different reason why this dream may not occur. But it is something that I want and something I had always wanted. If I can't have a normal family growing up than I can have a normal family for my children as the grow up.

The future awaits how know what lies behind the walls of time. All we can do is walked forward and watch for what lies ahead.

Future, here we come ^.^

Sorry about a weird post, probably mention about wanting this before but I just was thinking about it today. I hope I could reach this goal, it might be far and it might be hard but there is always a possibility.

STRESSING

AHHH~~~

I am freaking out!!!
I wanna do well for biology
I really wanna do well in it.
It is the one subject I am doing really well.
I MUST DO WELL.

But I hate reports and writing up experiment I just hate it. TT^TT

HELP~~~

PANIC PANIC PANIC!!!!

Alright I shall continue my work now. . .

Change - For the Better or the Worst

Everyone change's through life. There is the obvious and there are the not as obvious. Yesterday, I met a family friend for a little while. His name is Jason and about 5 yrs younger than me. I saw him and. . . wow he has changed. He is a little bit more mature as to be expected over the years. But the most obvious thing was he was so tall and skinny. My gosh. .  I remember when I was taller than him what happened.

Yes, I know. Guy's are meant to be taller than girls but the difference in height. Sigh~~~ Feel like such a shortie but then again I don't mind my height too much it is more the other stuff that worry me. hehe~~~

Seeing him change. I look at myself. . . I definitely notice some changes it isn't obvious before but it is now. My taste of music changed from being a gentle, romantic love songs into strong beats, hiphop-pop sort of music. Seems like a pretty big change.

But that change isn't a big thing.

The one that bothers me is my use of language. To many people using coarse language is like everyday life, it just comes out naturally and you don't care and no one else around would care. Everyone around me knows that I rarely ever swear and when I do it when I am really angry or when it comes out subconsciously. Personally, I don't like swearing especially using the B word or the F word. Just no, I don't like it. I don't mind people around me using it cause it what most people use nowadays but for me just no.

I noticed, that I become careless in my use of words and using the words I despise seems to come more naturally and I don't think of even stopping it. I sort of just speak whatever that pops in my head first and I don't like it. I just don't wanna use those words. Ok, this to many might be a stupid thing to worry about but it is important to me cause I don't wanna be that kind of person that would use these word in every sentence I speak or just use the word often.

I am not sure why I despise these words so much, but I do. I need to change back to the polite use of language again. I am not willing to follow that trend of coarse language. However, I do have to speak the other side cause sometimes when I use it I feel relief. I feel like I am showing a more open side of myself and not that side who worries too much or cares what other people perceive of me.

When using that language I feel like I am actually showing a different side of me that people wouldn't never expect from me. I am always seen as the good girl or the girl that isn't willing to take risk. The one the worries too much and gets paranoid about every single little thing. I sort of wanna break that view of me because I don't wanna be a good girl. In fact I actually wanna go and take risks be adventurous. Is that really bad??? So using coarse language is sort of breaking the good girl barrier.

So I don't know. I don't wanna use such bad language but I still wanna not be trapped by that side of me that never wants to take that risk and try something different. Don't wanna be predictable. I am confused right now. All this talking about using coarse language has trapped me in a loop. . .

Oh well. . .  Since I am not sure what I am saying anymore. I might as well move one and continue studying for my exams. ^-^

Death Dream

I forgot something, during this week I had a death dream I think it was on the monday of this week. It was sort of weird cause at first I was with Ling and hang out with him and then he was in my house and I told him to stay upstairs and hide cause I need to go down and eat dinner with my family including my sister. I then hear gun shots like those terrorist people are shooting at each house. They shot at the door of my house but no one got hit then a person wearing all black and masked walks in with a machine gun (I think) And first shots my mum and then me I had my hands in front of my hands and I believe it shot arm. But I am quite sure I died though I just woke up after it and my heart beated fast. Really not sure if it was a nightmare cause it didn't feel like one. So I search what this dream means. I remember Ling said be careful cause it means I might die or get hurt. My mum told me that it means the opposite saying that I would live for a long time. When I searched it this it told me:

To dream of your own death indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life. 

To dream that you die in your dream symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or your life. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.

On a negative note, to dream that you die may represent involvement in deeply painful relationships or unhealthy, destructive behaviors. You may feeling depressed or feel strangled by a situation or person in your waking life.

So yeah. . . What does it mean??? I think it means that I am trying to escape the demands of my daily life and that there was someone in my waking life that caused me to feel depressed or feel strangled by a situation not mentioning names but I shall hint I mention the person in my dream (:P) Reason cause I was quite depressed during the time I had that dream.

But all is over and I feel happy. That is all that matters now.

After camp.

Yesterday, when I got back from camp. I was so tired. I had so food before coming upstairs to unpack, halfway through I fell asleep for about 20 mins. My mum told me to quickly take a warm shower and get into bed cause she didn't want me to get a cold especially when she knew I had a cold shower the night before.

I never ended up going maths tutoring cause I was just to tired to. I fell asleep seconds after I jumped into bed and woke up only 3 times during my sleep. I woke up the next morning still tired but much better however I still had 2 more tutorings for the day.

I wanted to go out with my onee-san today. There isn't a word for how much I wanted to go but I couldn't cause my mum wouldn't let me and my dad would be unhappy if I did. I just couldn't. I really wish I could be out there with my onee-san supporting her and keeping her company making the night more memorable for her. I would do whatever I can to help her but life just aren't that fair.

Though there is one reason I am grateful I didn't go. Even though I am not sick but my temperature is 1-3˚C higher then the norm. BUT I AM NOT SICK. Though there would be a chance I could get sick if I went and if Ling found out. . . then he would worry and better not make him worry especially when he doesn't wanna make me worry (though he can sometimes =.=) So I stay home and keep warm. Once again. I AM NOT SICK. :)

Finally I have updated everything that has happened so far. Now I can rest or actually study. . . I dont wanna TT^TT I got another 3 days to study since I don't have school mwahahahaha~~~ Alright I try and study don't have to lecture me =.=

Jks :P Alright, off I go for dinner (hot pot, YUMMY) and then study =.=

Camp~~~ part 3

We had the option of staying behind or returning back to the cabin and we decided to return back to our cabin as we were wanted our own little fun and needed to shower. I was the third one to shower and I roamed from my cabin to the other cabin and found out what the surprise that Beautiful had for us. It was instant noodles. ^.^ I was getting hungry too. I decided to eat some after I shower so off I go to shower once D.H had finished. No one else really knows this cause I didn't wanna tell anyone was that I had a completely cold shower at first I felt a little tiny bit of warmth but later nope nothing zero warmth at all. So I just quickly took a shower and went out.

I waited for Y.L before going over to next door and then brought some instant noodles over to our own cabin. As Y.L was showering, Iris had noticed that Yuyi was blood around her ankle. We all tired to figure out what was the cause of it and our conclusion came to that it was that leech we found in the room earlier. At first we had all believed had came from the room but now we came to believe that Yuyi must have brought it in with her after the bush walk. Y.L, came out just in time as we noticed the blood on Yuyi and like always she had bandaids and all that with her. Y.L the little nurse help treat the wound. Yuyi was so worried about the leech's bite mark and wonder if she will die or get infected. To ease her I decided to go research about a leech's bite just to ensure her safety.

As we finally patch Yuyi up mentally and physically, Y.L and I left the cabin for a little while. After eating the instant noodles, I rested up in my bed as I watched Y.L, D.H and Yuyi put on some facial. I just decided to close my eyes and rest cause I know that I won't be able to get much sleep later on. It was pretty funny cause D.H had to not laugh as she had a clay mask on. Everyone wanted to make her laugh.

Finally the fun begins. So after those 3 had done there facial we were going to play games, I jumped up all excited ready for the night of fun. We started off with a game which I wasn't sure how to play and we only played once. The next game was kind of like Pictionary but we don't draw we more like describe the word or use actions to act the word out. We separated into two teams D.H, Yuyi and Y.L while I was teamed up with Iris and Kelly. The first team use chinese at first while our team used english cause I couldn't read though we tried chinese once and I only acted out the words I knew like the number 3 which then I just put up 3 fingers. haha~ I couldn't do anything there. We played a bit and the losing team had to do dares.

The finally thing we game we play during the night was the most simple game which was Truth or dare. We all agreed whatever truths and dares we did that night would be only between us and not be mentioned ever again. It was quite enjoyable and fun. I get to connect with them and have fun. It was different from what I had expected the night would be. We also had lost of snacks along the way. Towards the end of the night 5 of us shared one bed while Kelly decided to jump in her own. Kelly and Y.L being the first ones to fall asleep and stayed up for a while until I couldn't stay up any longer and slept though I happened to be woken up about 3 times unlike the other two.

Morning came quickly, and I learned that Yuyi was the next to sleep and D.H and Iris who only had one hr to sleep though I noticed that Iris had moved to another bed as well. We had an hour for us to wake up, get ready, and take our things into the small meeting hall before breakfast. There was the two optional breakfast, one being the cold breakfast (Cereal, yogurt, and fruit) and then a hot breakfast (toast, bacon, scrambled egg and baked beans). I chose the hot breakfast without the baked beans. Everything was yummy except the egg seemed a little bit flavourless.

As the breakfast finished we all left for a yoga session the in the hall before we began decorating a piece of fabric which was meant to resemble our assigned group. We made two cause we decided we didn't like out first one. I helped making colours and had to paint my hand for the first one. Towards the end of the painting, I went off to finish writing affirmations which we would be reading later on. I had a couple surprising affirmation which I did't expect and one affirmation I knew I would get and I had also returned her one. That one affirmation was from the girl who hugged me the other day, her name is Gabi. She is such a nice person.

After affirmations, we all joined in a big circle as a group and everyone had to say a word to describe the camp or our year group. For me I used the phrase I always love to use which was Happy and Positive I don't think anyone hear me though (>~<). I did become emotional during time even though some people in this year group I had disliked, I felt happy being a part of it.

The last thing we did for the day was have lunch which consists of fish and chips and I quite enjoyed it. (^.^) Before we left we took some photos with everyone and then caught the bus home. On the bus home, I sat with Beautiful and we listen to songs and some songs we knew we sang along with it and other songs I sang along if I could. Even though I was tired I felt awake for the remain time I had with my lovely friends.

Camp~~~ part 2

So. . . for dinner, I wasn't really hungry so I only got a little bit of rice, so stew thing with beef (I think it was some stew. . . not sure) and some boiled (I think) vegetables. The food was nice though I think the beef was a little chewy. I did want more but decided not to. For desert we had some bread pudding. . . I think that is what people called it and that was pretty nice and I honestly wished I had got more than I did. But oh well cause I was going to have snack later on.

After dinner we were allowed to go back to our cabins for a little while before going back for a reflection which everyone knew was going to happen. Kelly and I didn't end up going back to our cabin but into beautiful's cabin and we stayed there until we had to go. I remember just lying on S.Z for a bit cause I was tired and I wish I was in their cabin cause it seemed like I belonged there more but now that I think about it I didn't mind that I wasn't there I had fun in my own cabin.

Reflection time was an emotional time for almost everyone in the room including me. First thing we did was lie down on the ground as Ms talked and moved us through time and talked about graduation and last day of school and all that. I felt a few tears but I decided to move my mind away from those things cause I didn't want to cry there. I also heard beautiful sleeping.

After the reflection, we received two things one was our letters from yr 10 and one to write to ourselves which we will receive next year. I didn't hold back my tears as I read my letter. I wrote question to myself question what my life was like and reading what I wrote brought me to tears and some part made me laugh cause I tried to joke with myself. Y.L broke down after reading her letter and Beautiful went to give her a hug while I just decided to hide it to myself. As I wrote my letter I cried just thinking about the state I would be in as high school ends. Do I truly wanna move into the next stage of my life? Do I want to move into that stage of independence? I am not to sure yet.

Finish writing my letter, I went and placed it in the basket and lit up 2 candles that was instructed. I returned back to my friends as we waited for everyone to finish writing. As the reflection came to an end, we had supper were we could grab a bite to eat or drink and go out for a bit to relax. Ling had called again and I answer it. We chatted for a while but there was interruptions like E.W and Beautiful who both dislike Ling very much. They wanted me to hang up. Later comes A.S and Beautiful again trying to make me hang up. As they left, I told Ling I better go cause my friends was getting upset which ended the call. . . I don't know what to say there. I don't wanna be honest about what I feel cause it. . . Never mind. So I went over to D.H and talked with her and grabbed a drink. I stayed with her until the teachers told us to regroup. Around that time I also had a classmate with her friend come and give me a hug. She is so nice and friendly I quite like her.

So the year group fun begins. This year for camp we had to design an outfit out of newspaper in the assigned group and 2 people had to model it. You needed one male outfit and one female outfit. Our theme was gangster type and I tried to help my group as much as I can. We had a run way set up and they strut down the run way modelling the group that design the outfit. Three judges included the principal, a homeroom/maths teacher and the maths coordinator. The modelling, the comments it was quite an amazing night. As it ended we people discard the outfits we had music at the end and a few people dancing around the place. I was dancing with C.G and she spun me around and around and around until I begin to lose my balance and we fell to the floor.

Back to our cabin~~~

Camp~~~ part 1

Time for the most exciting thing of the week.

Thursday morning start with church having about an hour long mass which was fine. I ended up thinking of my grandmother at some points cause I knew she was catholic and that she could be looking over me. Thinking of that made me feel a bit upset cause I think that there is somethings in life she won't be so happy about. But then again I did have my beautiful friend next to me and we sort of talked a bit. I know not very good speaking during a mass and I am sorry >~<

Finally, the trip begins. We travelled by bus to our camping place which we go every time sort of bored of that place but oh well. On the ride there, M.V sort of ditched me as she found out our friend R.S had finally arrived but all was good cause I had Kelly and I found out that we had quite a few thing in come. In fact, I felt so happy that I was able to talked to her and find a connection with her talk. I really enjoyed it and I guess M.V ditching me was not that bad anymore. (^.^)

Towards the end of the trip there I noticed that almost everyone of my friends was asleep on the bus and Kelly was starting to rest her eyes as well. That is when I thought yes I can catch up on some sleep before I arrive but nope. . . that was not the case =.= Why? I will tell you why because my beautiful friend decided to call me and keep me awake until we were almost arrived at the camp spot. Thats alright too. I just enjoyed the lovely conversation we had, though I was able to get some rest before we stopped.

I don't exactly remember much of what happened in between the time we arrived at the meeting hall and the time we were to go to our cabins. They talked, we heard songs and we moved into assigned groups and made an envelope just like in yr 10 camp which we had to put up for people to place affirmations in. When we were finally able to found out our cabin, I noticed that yay it was a different area from the last two times I was in.  It as in the A block and the area was so much bigger however no storage place. After putting everything in our cabin we went for lunch which had chicken kebabs, bread, and salad which I enjoyed in fact I enjoy most meals during camp.

After camp, we had a while to spend in our cabins before the next event for the day. So we went back to our cabins and unpacked a few things. . . mainly snacks. In my cabin, I had Yuyi, Kelly, Iris, Y.L and D.H therefore leaving the other cabin with my beautiful friend, C.G, S.Z, M.V, E.W and A.S. I will admit at first I thought I would not fit in with the people in my cabin as they are quite a close bunch considering the speak chinese more fluently then I do. I was the only one that had grown up in Aus as they had all moved her around their late primary school years or early high school years.

So the next event begins, which honestly I don't remember what we did. . . I do remember Ling had called me at the start of it but I had to ignore it. Now lets see what did we do. . . Oh I remember making a mask which looked pretty creepy when we first go it and we had to draw our life journey which I didn't draw considering nothing good really happened other than meeting my friends in high school and dating Ling. Then comes the small bush walk which unfortunately was not the original place that we were suppose to go.

There was one thing I forgot to mention. . . During that time before our walk Ling had called me but I wasn't able to answer cause during that time we were still in the meeting hall and my beautiful friend wanted to do something with my phone and took it off me. My first response. . . was not good. I don't know but I have changed in the way I speak and it just tends to come out now. I sort of said what the .  . . are you doing?? (not sure if that is exactly what I said but I know I used a bad word) Yeah. . . It isn't like me and when I do use that word it is a shock to everyone. I am truly sorry but I don't know what is happening but the language I use has become more course and unlike what I use to be.

So during that walk, I stuck with my beautiful friend and I tried to stick with her for a long time. The walk consists of sight seeing and taking pictures and all that. Towards the end of the walk, Ling had called and this time I decided to answer. We talked a bit and people butted in and Beautiful ended the call TWICE. Not trusting her with the phone again. But yeah later I moved away so I can talk to him properly and I know this camp was meant to be like all spiritual and forget about the world outside and all that but I wanted to talk to Ling.

So after the walk, we. . . did something. . . that I completely don't remember. . . nope nothing comes to mind. . . But I know we did go back to our cabins 20 mins before dinner and I spent time with the people in our cabin and talked and set up our things and I remember playing a game on my ds cause I was bored. :P

Dinner Time~~~

Distractions.

Alright since last friday till about wednesday, I had felt upset, angry and stressed all over again. It was just a horrible time. Why? Well during that time I barely spoke with Ling and especially how I left things that night I was freaking out and I start to think and over think and everything was just so unclear.

I started using distractions to avoid think about Ling which ultimately lead me to not study for english exam on the wednesday. I ended up finishing my notes for the exam on tuesday night which ended up being a good distraction as well.

Those days isn't something I wanna recall and I had decided not to discuss this with two of my friends who I know read this blog. For one I don't want them to hate Ling as much as do they now and honestly speaking I don't exactly like the fact that my friends dislike the guy I am dating it isn't a very good sign to me. I am glad that they are honest about it and I respect there thoughts. I won't want them to change there opinion and I doubt they would anyway :P

I did end up telling M.V cause she was sort of there on the Friday and I thought discussing it with her would help a bit. Though even discussing this with people didn't help cause it is something I should fix up on my own and I didn't want anyone to intervene with that which I guess was another reason I tried to kept it to myself.

So attempts in contacting him throughout that period failed, I decided to call him after school on the Wednesday before camp. I didn't wanna keep feeling this way during camp and disrupting a fun event with my friends. I never end up calling him. . . You wanna know why??? Cause he called me ^.^ I spent a bit of time with when M.V and D.H decided to go for camp shopping. Later that night I decided to take that risk again and stay out with Ling as I had missed him and I just needed to be with him for a while knowing that the next few days I won't be able to see him or contact him as much.

My mum now is sort of suspicious about everything and so is my dad so I should be a bit more cautious now. But seriously I need to live my life a bit more adventurous cause like I said before I am sick of being the good girl honestly just over it.

So finally I felt happy and got everything sorted out before I went to camp. Everything was just perfect.

Controlling Emotions.

Last Friday, after my lovely refreshed night, I went with M.V and Ling after school to library as well as having so dinner. That day was fun even though I didn't study as much as I have hoped. But I couldn't control my emotions.

As always Ling had done things to tease me and annoy me. I guess towards the end it all bottled up and I mean everything that happened were such a trivial matter but I just took it quite badly. So, basically as emotions bottled up burst I ended the day by walking away from both Ling and M.V once my maths tut time came.

Going back to think about it. It was probably not necessary. Later that night, I had asked M.V if I might have upset or anger Ling with my action and she told me he was sort of confused and upset about it. I thought ok at least I didn't anger him cause I honestly believe my actions wasn't necessary. So that night I talked to him. . . There was no response and I apologised for walking away (in my heart I believe I didn't need to but I wanna resolve things quickly and not let anything hang in the air).

For that night he never replied back to me. It worried me for a very very long time but this situation never was brought up even till now.

Sneaking Out

Last time I blogged, I remember talking about struggles like my parents and with Ling and all that just everything was up in the air suffocating me. Well last thursday (I believe it was the 29th), my parents happened to go out to a friends house and at first I wanted to call Ling and go out but then thought I shouldn't disturb him. Of course cause of that he wasn't happy but I still my parents hadn't came back so I sneaked out with him.

It was sort of refreshing. Cause after all that pain and depression I had been feeling, I sort felt like I escaped and took a risk and lived my life just a little. I loved that feeling and that risk of course it sort of took its effect cause my parents had called and asked where I was and I lied and said I was out walking for a bit cause of studying so much.

Yeah, I know not a very good girl should do but you know I am sick of being that good daughter having to always do the right thing and so on. Just know I want to go on an adventure. So I honestly love that feeling.

Anyway so Ling and I spent about an hour just staying at a near by park for an hour. We just played around the play ground set with the swings and all that. Felt like a little kid again. Felt quite happy and made me feel revived and so much better.

It was basically the best day of that week.

So Much~~~

So long since, I have blogged.
I just had so much emotions going on and too much stuff going in my life.
I need to blog about everything that has happened to me since last. . . I think wednesday.
Feels like a long long time ago. Haha
Ahhh so much emotional and school stuff.

alright I shall start now. . .