Maths 1 Complete

Yes, I am done with Advance maths and to be honest it was easier than I though it would be.

Though I did miss out on a few question because one I didn't have time to finish and 

two a few of them was difficult to solve or just took me a lot of time to work it out. 

But yes Maths is done and now for the big day of 2 exams. 

Then all I need to worry about is bio (though I like to study that) 

and Math ext 1 which I am dreading. 

More on My Mind

Alright I want to just release some of the things that has been bothering me lately and I wanna make this quick cause I have to study for my maths exam.

So today, I met with Ling at the library to study maths and I had bumped into Beautiful. Half the time I was worried that beautiful will feel uncomfortable and knowing that she doesn't wanna see him just made things worst. I wanted to move away so that she won't get bother but she insisted I stay and so I did.

Things seem to go pretty smoothly, beautiful didn't get bother to the seems of it and everything seems fine. But for a while my heart still felt heavy and I just felt something that just made me feel really uncomfortable and upset. I had took a few mins outside for a while just to take a breather and get my thoughts cleared up.

By the time I went back I felt better and everything just went on as normal. I felt happier as well though there was still things that bothered me. Once everyone left and I was the only one there waiting for my mum to pick me up. The feels came back and I just had all these worries in my head and thoughts of Ling just keep popping up.

Yes I know, concentrate on trials. That is more important currently but I can't help but miss him and think of him and worry for him. I can't get him out unless I stress for the maths exam tomorrow. But still guys, I really really really miss him and love him. It is such a strong feeling at the moment just like it was the first time I started dating and just like the holidays during his down period. As each passing day the love I feel for him is stronger.

Honestly if this relationship doesn't actually end up well one day. I will definitely cry a lot and feel so much sadness. Of course if this was to happen I will deal with it cause it is just something I would need to overcome. But I am slowly hoping that this relationship will last forever, I have doubts but I still hope for it.

Back to Maths Study. . . Good Luck to everyone in there trials~

It is Complicated

Ok second part of english is complete and pretty sure I didn't do to well but how cares.

So today, is complicated the only reason though cause there is a lot I have to think about and at this time when trials are so important. This should really be the last on my worry list but it isn't. I should listen to my own advice I gave to onee-san stop thinking about trials is more important. But this is just. . .  hard to ignore.

I start from the beginning.

So today, after english exam I went with 2 friends S.Z and M.V to go library to study and all that cause well it is trials what do you expect. Not that I really got a lot of study done due to being so tired. But anyway, after I had tutoring which lasted till 8:00. Ling wanted to meet up for a bit after my tutoring so I decided that just for 30 mins would be fine since I don't have an exam tomorrow anyway.

I was left stranded for 30 mins cause Ling had to go home and I know something bad must of happened cause I did get a call from his dad which I didn't pick up cause I was in tut. I had also received a voicemail which was the result in all this heavy feeling and question that lies within my head.

The voicemail was left by Ling's mum and she told me all these things about stop seeing him, he is a bad boy, has a lot of girlfriends, and what good of a man would he by and why I would want him and that she didn't and all these random things. Basically trying to tell me to just break things off and I could hear in her voice she was upset and angry at him. But the things she says still strikes me and it makes me feel upset. I am upset for Ling cause what she says seems really bad and just saying how bad Ling was. Part of me would disagree to what she says but then again the girlfriend part. . . This is the part caught me attention. . . Should I believe what she said? I mean she has raised him and possible know about his love life before.

Then again seeing that she is so angry and upset with Ling makes the words she said quite unreliable at the same time. I huge part of me is telling me to believe in my own instinct and to trust the one you love because if you love someone than you trust them. But then there is all this questions about trust that I always have and everything just gets complicated.

>~<

I don't know really. I discuss this with D.H a bit considering she has some sort of connection with his family due to being family friends and all. But letting all this out, I come to a conclusion. One I will talk to Ling about this. Two that I would follow what I have said, I would trust him cause I do love him and I see a side of him that I love and regardless of what everyone tells me I see the good in him. (Love is blind as they say but mieh). I will keep to what I have told him, I am willing to stay with a guy through all the hardship as long as I love him and he loves me cause that is all I really need. All I want is a good man that I love and that loves me. A guy that is willing to provide that dream I have always hoped for.

Is Ling the guy? He has a similar dream that is for sure. But it is too early to even think about this. To end this I will say I will just the one I love and if it is meant to be then it is meant to be.

Day 1: Complete

Day 1 of trials has began and though I believe I didn't do well but I don't really care cause I am pretty tired at this current moment. Oh well. . .

Today I went to lib after my english exam with S.Z and towards the end we move to the top floor and this creepy girl was listening to something and just staring at random places. She was laughing and making some noises which really just creeped me out even though I knew that she probably was listening to something that was making her make those noises but still.

It had also made me uncomfortable when she turned and looks in my direction, just creepy so S.Z and I moved to another corner of the library. . .

That is about all that really had been today and now I shall return to my study for my second english exam. >.<

Double Birthday Wishes

This would be short but still, I wanna wish two people happy birthday. 

One is Anu, she has been my friend since orientation day which was before yr 7 started.

My first friend in high school though not my best. 

But I still treasure our friendship. 

I wanna wish her a happy 17th birthday. 

May she do well in trials and HSC. 

Good luck with all her endeavours and gets lots of gifts.

Second person, I wanna give a birthday wish is to my lovely onee-san. 

I may have not known her for as long as Anu

In fact only for about 3 years and only 1 year spend together in school.

Even so, I grown so close to her and she has become one of the few that knows my little secrets. 

I miss her very much and wish her the best of luck in her trial exams. 

Same with Anu I hope she does will for HSC and in her future and receive lots of gifts. 

Happy 18th Birthday, Onee-san and don't drink without me :P

To conclude,

HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY ANU

&

HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY ONEE-SAN

Night of Worry

I didn't get the best sleep last night at all. Not because I was studying though which would have been better cause at least that would be more helpful. But I was up for most of the night because I could hear my mum from outside my room. I could hear her running in and out of her room and sometimes crying or making some kind of distressed noise from inside her room which is right next to mine.

The walls are paper thing and you can hear things pretty clearly from one to the next unless you are my dad's room which would make the sound travel a bit more difficult. No one really knows what happened last night to me cause I never gave much detailed to it and I forced a smile instead of a look of worry before going into school today.

I was extremely worried for my mum because the reason she has been running in and out of her room was cause she was feeling really sick and was vomiting and all that. I heard her pain and suffering which cause so much worry and distress to me to the point that I felt a few drops of agony tears.

I was on a call with Ling for a while though he was a bit occupied as well with a tenant that was with him and playing a game on his phone. I only mentioned I was worried for my mum cause she wasn't feeling well and that was about it. Even though I felt I might need comfort from him I decided to keep it to myself and also why I kept ti this morning.

I did a little research while I was up and I told my mum this morning to go to the doctors. It turns out that my research of the sickness she might have was exactly the sickness she did have. So now I sort of have to stay clear of her cause I don't wanna her virus (think of biology now) to infect me, especially when trials are near.

When I finally did fall asleep that night, I had a dream which basically reflect my worries at least that is what I think. The dream was based on my mum not feeling well and it ended that she had to go hospital but not for long from what my dream told me. Ling was at my house for some random reason and helping me out at home and my parents knew that he was my boyfriend.

I questioned Ling for being there and he said he wanted to help me out and knew I was really worried that I cried (which I didn't just a few drops of tears not considered crying). Anyway, the dream then skipped to later that morning were he came to pick me up to go to school and my mum was ok with that as well and I guess my dad to but I didn't really see him around at the time.

The last thing I remember of the dream was my dad commenting about Ling and he said he was a good guy but there was something bad about him which I don't remember exactly but I remember I didn't really agree with it cause I knew that it wasn't true.

In some way, I feel it reflected my worry for my mum cause that was a strong part of my dream and another part was the worry of whether my parents would except the fact I have a boyfriend. . . I don't know the boyfriend is still far into the future for them to know unless my mum already knows??? Who knows, but all I care is that I hope my mum will feel better this next few days and that no more bad luck would befall on her for this year. I think my mum has suffered enough in her lifetime she doesn't need anymore.

Yup at least, I got some sort of relief that my mum isn't terrible ill ^-^

Negative Atmosphere Everywhere

Hmmm. . . It seems that everyone in the family is in a bad mood today.
My mum obviously in a bad mood cause she isn't feeling to well.
For me, it makes me annoyed that she doesn't take care of herself properly.
I keep telling her to go to the doctor or something and get things sorted.
I don't wanna have to worry for her and my exams (not to sound selfish).

I really hope my mum will be alright and what every it is that is making her uncomfortable would be sorted out.
That there is my dad who is in a bad mood cause he is tired I guess.
But today, all I have heard from them is arguing.

My mum complaining about all the work she need to do and how she is feeling well.
My dad complaining how his life is so bad for him and all that.
it is just everything I have heard about before nothing new.
So yeah, both of them just arguing with each other.

For me I really don't wanna deal with what ever is between them.
I am just wanna be alone really and go into my own little world.
In fact I wish I could go into my own little world where I don't have to care about reality.
But then again, I have to deal with it.

Oh well. I don't know, I feel annoyed at the moment though.
Just the negative atmosphere is getting to me, I guess.
I really hope this doesn't get to me too much cause I don't wanna lash out on my friends or Ling.
In fact, if I talk to Ling today I hope I that I would be able to feel happier.
Or if I talk to my friends which I am pretty sure would be studying but thats ok too.

Alright, my aim think of happy things. Ignore negativity.
Another random thing I wanna get out there is, I wanna be more independent.
I really wanna move out in the future though my mum rather I don't but I do.
I am sick of being treated like I can't do anything by myself.
I am sick of people thinking that I am not capable to protect myself or do things on my own.

I just really wanna be able to go out there earn an income, live and feed myself and just be able to take care of myself.
I won't mind living with a friend to help pay for rent and to keep my company which in fact I would love if that happen.
I won't mind in the future, I would live with Ling or a future BF (if this relationship won't last)
I was want to live on my own and take care myself.
I will make this possible and I don't care my parents disagree with me.
Plus it isn't like I won't care for them to cause they still raised me and so forth.

Anyway, lots of my mind tonight but I really should be more concerned about trials coming up.
But I think I most all my mental strength and everything that has been going on at home.
Things are just getting to complicated at home and it has to be during the most stressed time of the year (other than HSC)

Sigh~ Oh well must keep my head held high and think happy and positive. Lets GO~~~

Has she found out???

OMG~~~ I think my mum might have found out. I don't how I feel about this and she didn't make it very clear that she knows but is saying just tell me and I was like What?!?!? Ok. This is what happened

Today, Ling had called me up and asked me to go library with him though we actually didn't really go but anyway. I asked my mum and this time I was honest with her (a bit) that I was going to go library with Ling. At the time I though we were but we actually didn't. I told my mum that he was going to pick me up and all that. 

So for the day, I went out with Ling to watch a movie with D.H cause she was at burwood that time. After the movie, we went to driving around (just Ling and I) and then to the park while we just walked around grabbing sticks and all that. When it was about time to go home, we brought some ice-cream ate it and he sent me home. 

My mum had texted me 30 mins before saying when I will be home and I told her about 30 mins which later she text it is 30 mins already why are you not home. It was a bit weird to me cause it but I didn't think much about it. 

Though when I got home she was asking me did you get a boyfriend? I was like what?!?!? What gave her that idea? She told me somethings and said that people say I am not easy (directly translated from chinese) I was confused and asked her what it meant which she replied saying someone that can hide things. I was freaked out that she knew something and she won't tell me but she is wanting for me to tell her. 

I asked her why she thought this and who had said that I am not easy. It came to that my old crush G's mum had called her today and apparently G goes to burwood for tutoring. She also told me that he might have seen me with a boyfriend or a boy as a friend and that his mum was not really specific on what he actually saw. 

I was freaked out at first cause I am thinking what if G's mum knows and told my mum and my mum wants me to say it to her instead of my mum asking me straight away. If she knew. . . I don't know. . . In some way, I want her to know and I don't have to lie to her but then again I don't cause she would be more worried about me and I won't have that kind of freedom I have already. 

I don't know. So does my mum know? or does she not know? or does she know but pretends to not know so I would tell her? Then it comes down to should I tell her the truth? I know what somethings would lead to and. . . I don't really know what to say. I don't know if I should be honest and tell her yes, I have a boyfriend and I really love him. . . Ahhh~~~ Stupid old crush comes and ruins everything. 

Though I don't care, I have that kind of personality of wanting to show off to my old school friends and say look I have better friends now and look I have good boyfriend now. So I don't know >~< What to do guys? What to do???

A Scary Outburst

Alright, so today I had a bludge afternoon and since I don't have tutoring I decided that I don't wanna go home early so I planned to stay out. At first it was a plan to go library by myself but it ended up going out with Ling which to me sounds a lot better than studying but don't worry I will make up for lost time in the next few days, haha~

Anyway, so I met up with Ling and parted with Y.L who was shopping for a friends B'day present. She was also meeting up with her BF later and I met up with them for a few seconds later. Ling and I watched a movie and had dinner afterwards. The movie we watched was called "Sex Tape" and it was a pretty funny movie. I like it quite a bit though I don't think I watched a movie that show so much nudity nothing too bad like seeing something parts. . . You know what I mean :P

But that's alright, I mean I am old enough already ok. Hehe ^-^ I am turning 18 so not a young girl anymore.

Moving on. . .

So after the movie we went to this restaurant where we got some Char grilled meats and salad but it wasn't enough so we brought some more at hungry jacks. I at a lot today which I am happy of and recently I think I have been eating a lot which for me is a good thing. The time hungry jacks moment was. . . Good and bad.

The reason I say this is because we had a good dinner and we talked and played on our phones and all that but there was seem something wrong today. Don't worry nothing wrong with Ling and I but it was more the customers with the workers. One was an old guy apparently from what Ling said had some attitude and argued with one of the workers who only mimic him in away to mock him. I don't know the situation but guy would have gotten fired for acting that way to a customer. Though who knows who is at fault.

The second guy was. . . scary. Well not scary but really shocked me and sort of remind me of my dad at some ways though nowadays he is much better. Anyway, he was drunk which was obvious due to his beer can he had and for some reason had raged and yelled at the same work who had mocked the guy before.

What happened after scared me cause he banged on the counter, yelled at the workers saying that he will kill him and swearing and he later banged at the staff door trying to get in. The workers stayed away from the counter the whole time and the man was still outraged and threw a container that contained coffee beans at them. So shocked and sort of scared, I jumped and let out a quiet scream which apparently shocked Ling. He told me to calm down and don't be scared. As the guy left he grabbed some plastic plates that was on the bins and through it at the window before the plastic plates broke into pieces.

It was really surprising and scared me a lot. Ling comforted me sort of by saying if he came up to me he would have punched him and protect me. But then he still called me a pussy and I admit it I was. I am never good with these situations. Anyway Ling stay there halfly watching and said if the guy stayed any longer he would have gone up to help. Half of me wanted to see his protective side and fight but the other was glad he didn't, I don't wanna see him get hurt or see such violence.

It was a pretty scary outburst but all is well and my Ling is safe. ^-^ I really love him and being with him but I need to make up for lost time and study a lot for the weeks to come =.= oh well. . .

Reconsidering. . .

I am reconsidering about going to Korea now. There is going to be some financial problem not that my parents mind me going to korea and paying for it but I also wanna go China. Should I consider having fun or go visit my grandfather? I wanna be go and have fun with friends and enjoy that free moment but I am worried that I won't be able see my grandfather cause I am not sure when I would be able to return to china.

I really wanna see him. He is my only grandparent left. I never knew my grandparents from my dad's side and I never got to say goodbye to my grandmother personally which was a couple of years ago. I was pretty close to my grandfather and I miss him. He is getting old and I don't know how long he has left. But I wanna at least see him before I lose him forever.

. . .

What should I do? I don't know if my parent would be able to afford letting me go both korea and china and maybe I should not be selfish and choose one or the other. But then again if I go korea, I might miss my chance to visit my grandfather. If I go korea, I miss the opportunity of exploring and being independent and just having that after school break thing with my friends.

I need to really think about it.

Grandfather, please be well. please wait for me. Wait for me to see you again. Please God don't take him away until I see him (I don't know if I even believe in God but I know my grandfather does and so does my mother) So please. . .

Believe? Trust? Hope?

Should I believe? Should I trust? Should I hope?

Lots of things has been playing in my head.

Not sure which side should I take.

Should I believe in the promise?

Should I trust him?

Should I hope for that future?

Life is such a mystery. 

There is a chance the promise would break.

There is a chance he was lying.

There is a chance that the future would never exist. 

On the other hand, things might just turn out that way.

Maybe the promise would be kept

Maybe all he said is the truth

Maybe the future is just around the corner. 

I don't know anymore. 

The doubt is creeping in even further now. 

I don't know where I would go in the future.
I don't know what kind of life I am meant to have. 

I want to believe. 

I want to trust.

I want to hope.

But what if it isn't the right thing to do. . . 

Life is something special and unpredictable. 

I don't like not knowing. . . 

So conflicted with my own thoughts. 

Not sure what to think. . .

Life? ? ? 

Gotta be Focused~

You know throughout year 12, I always had the mind frame don't worry everything would be fine. HSC is still far away nothing to fear or worry about. But there are times when exams come up and you panic a bit but it ends up back to who cares I still have time.

Honestly, I don't have time. One more term left. One more term till high school life is over and done with. All that is left is the final chapter which includes the HSC. It is scary, guys. We are moving away from the stable daily routine of going to school studying, learning, socialising and just general having a good time with your friends. After this we all go towards our separate goals and even though I would be able to contact my friends we won't be able to see each other as often as we did.

Life just won't be the same again. I fear for my future. I really fear for it. I don't know what I am going to be? Who I am going to be with? or what my life would be like? I don't like not knowing and I don't like the change. I don't adapt to my surroundings well and I don't make friends easily. I made one friend in tutoring when I have gone there for more than half a year. That is how long I take to make a friend, but then again I did make one friend on my orientation day to the new school.

But still, life is going to be different and I really gotta focus on my studies cause if I don't I will fail and fall behind everyone else. I don't want things to change. . . I wanna go back in time to the days where we didn't care about studies and we just had fun. >.<

I need to study. I need to improve my grades. I need to gain more intellect. I just need to. I need to persist if I want to have a bright future.

Why did society have to make life for us hard? We should be enjoying our young lives and not be worrying about what kind of future is installed for us. It isn't fair to but so much pressure on us.

=.= That is life, we just have to move on and deal with it.

How to Be Beautiful

I really like what he says and I wish more people think like he does. I wonder. . . Do I have any of does qualities??? Hmmm. . . Not sure but I am sure that some things he says reminds me of my friends ^.^

Love. . .

I talk a lot about Love recently and maybe it is because I feel the love the strongest at this point in time. Maybe it is just momentarily or maybe it would last for a long time to come. I not sure which one but it doesn't matter.

To me, Love is the strongest feeling that you can ever have and it is the only feeling I really ever want to experience. The world around us is filled with people selfish desires, hatred or materialistic desires but honestly speaking what does that all come to in the end. Would all those feelings bring you true happiness.

I guess, in my life I rarely see love between different genders the only one that I truly believe would end well is between my sister and Isaac considering there age and the length of their relationship. The way my sister and Isaac interact with each other, I can feel that they are close and they are in love.

I don't have high expectation in the future well not for me at least. I don't expect me to get the job I want to get or earn as much as I want. In honest truth, I doubt I would even get the family I always stated I want. So the only thing I really wish for in life is just very simple.

I want to be with the person I love for truly loves me back forever. I don't care whether we live a poor life or the undesirable life. I just wanna be with that one special person for the rest of my life and that one special person would give me all the love in the world.

I am sorry if this post sounds a bit depressing is just something I have been thinking about recently.

This Feeling

I don't know how to describe this feeling I have right now. It is so strong and I don't understand why. I don't understand it at all. . . I don't know if that is even the correct way to describe it. . .

But this feeling. . . It feels painful and I feel really uncomfortable. . . just. . . so hard to describe. Reason why I feel this and I am not entirely sure. . .

When I thinking about Ling the feeling becomes stronger which makes things more confusing. Is it cause I am missing him? or is it something worse? Or is it that I am feeling that he isn't in a good mood right now?

I don't know what the real reason is but I feel that something is up and I know that this feeling is related to Ling and I am worried about it. Maybe it is me just analysing it into much detail and it is just that I miss him reason feeling this. . .

Still doesn't make much sense to me cause I don't usually miss him like this before I mean I think about him and all but. . . I think I just miss him a lot >.<

I don't know. I don't really understand but I think this feeling is actually slowly disappearing.

I am so confused. . . Well I just hope I don't feel it again cause it isn't the best feeling to have.

Enjoying the moment

As trials and HSC comes closer I really wanna enjoy as much time as I can with Ling so I had met up with him again today before tutoring and a little bit after.

He had somethings he needed to do and I accompanied him. One of the things including ordering a cake for a friend I'm not sure whether it was his Birthday or not oh well. After that, we went to have lunch and also get him an earphone and a sim card which I won't really go into. 

As we finished buying him an earphone in K-mart we sort of wonder around to the children section and kind of just went around playing. Felt like a little kid but it was fun and enjoyed it. People probably thought we are a bit crazy but what the heck it was fun. We also went on a topic for a little bit which I never really thought about talking about. It sort of went on about talking about if we had a kid and I mention if we do have a kid we are not giving her a "Dora the explorer toy." Ling laugh at this comment and responded saying that he will give our child that toy and say this your mum and I just laughed. 

I don't know to me it was strange talking about us having a child in the future it isn't really what we have actually mention about and I am pretty sure I mention this topic but still. . . We have developed a stronger bond and I am happy about it. 

No matter what happens in the future, I will enjoy being with Ling now. Who cares what the future holds for us but whatever it is I would just go with it and that is life you never know what will happen you just have to play it out and move through different stages. So lets go into the future with a bright mind set. We will have a wonderful adventure. 

First Love???

I was discussing with my friends yesterday about what had happen yesterday and I found three different responses and it was pretty cool cause it sort of went in an order. So I was talking to them whether I should believe that the first love would last forever and all that kind of stuff. \

My friend, D.H, doesn't really believe that the first love would be forever she didn't say it won't (though we had discuss this before) but the way she said felt as if she telling me not to take it to seriously cause chances of loving someone the first chance may not work out. If you think about it, the chance of meeting someone you want to be with for the rest of your life and that person is your first love, is pretty low though not saying it can't happen cause there are people out there that married there first love and live happily forever.

My onee-san gave me both side of the story and telling me the good and the bad. She makes a lot of sense and I think what she told me I really would take it seriously. Cause this relationship may or may not last but at the moment we  both wanna be together. So I would just go with the flow and if it is meant to be then it is meant to be if it isn't well than I might be one step closer to the one I am meant to be with. (Though at the moment I hope that Ling is the one) With this friend, I had also confronted her with a dream I had and she related both thing together and decipher the meaning of the dream for me. I thought it was very helpful and she does go into theses things which I find so fascinating.

My beautiful friend gave the more optimistic side and I really like that part because makes me a little more hopeful that this may just work. She was very happy about it. Beautiful looked on the bright side giving me the encourage to believe that this would work. I was really happy after talking to her cause I did want to talk to her a while and discussing a these things with her is what we always did and use to do a lot. I love her optimistic views and I think I will be hopeful and say that this just may work.

I agree with both side and part of me really tells me to be safe and put myself on the safe side and not to get thinking that this will be the one. Cause I know my chances of it really being true but I am going to enjoy the now. I am going to enjoying being with the one I love right now and at this current moment seeing him happy seems to give me a lot of joy and I feel that my love is growing for him and sort of feels like the first month that we started dating.

Honestly, I think I might have changed a little bit since the first time dating with him. I feel more confident and I feel like I would be able to be more initiative. I am not as afraid to show that I love him and I really don't know what brought about this change but I am noticing I have become a little bit more open around him. I love where my relationship stands right now and if this could last forever will then I will be pretty satisfied with life. Yup, Smiles everywhere.

Love Forever???

A good day to really think about things clearly. So I met up with Ling, today. I had fun just joking with and talking to him but I could feel that he wasn't himself. I watched him basically all day cause I was worried and I didn't know exactly what to do.

I think people around me know that I really do love Ling. I have also said that my emotions seems to link to his cause if he is upset I don't feel as happy and I feel that I need to do something. The weeks before the holiday started I felt that, we are distant and that we are just at a normal stage and nothing big would happen. Today, I feel close to him for some reason and don't know if I should take what he said seriously. Even at the start of the day he told me to ignore or not to take what he says today seriously.

. . .

You know. . . I really miss Ling right now cause I feel that contacting him would now be difficult and I can't believe how much I can love someone so much. I don't know, at this moment I wish our love can last forever, would it happen? I really hope so cause. . . It is hard to explain but it hurts knowing that I may not be able to contact him as much. . .

Somethings, I want to say but I feel that I shouldn't post it out in public and I want to keep it private and sort of just converse with a few close friends about. So I think I leave it at that.

Lets hope this love last for a long time.

Hoping

Something happened tonight with Ling.

I am worried for him and I really hope he is holding up alright.

Considering he hasn't contacted me it probably means something happened. 

I just hope that he is ok.

I will see him tomorrow, hopefully.

I am going to be supporting him the best I can. 

I need to make him happy cause that is part of the duty of being someone's girlfriend. 

In addition it is my goal to make the people around me happy. 

But still, I know it is pointless to worry at the moment.

But I am and I miss him and I really hope things turn out alright. 

Hope I see him tomorrow and then I can feel slightly more at ease. 

Hopefully. 

If he reads which I feel like he won't, I want to say:

I love you and I will be there for you when you need me ^.^

New Friend (sort of)

I think I made a new friend today in tutoring. We only spoken about twice and the first time was a bit awkward cause we both don't know what to talk about. In fact, I cant recall her name right now which I feel so bad for doing. But she is nice girl and I found out somethings about her today as we talk before our exam and before.

One thing that got us talking was Kpop. I was listening to one of Big Bang's old songs and she saw me listening to it and asked if I liked Kpop. I replied that I did and that is how we began talking and discussing kpop. I enjoyed talking to her and really quite happy that I made a friend in tut I am not alone anymore. . .

Except for now we got to tut at different times cause of our option topic but we did have class together before. I will join her class again after the option topic and I wonder what will happen then. . . Not sure but I do want to make more friends be more social. Yay~ Fun ^.^

Ok Here's the Truth - Javier

I heard this song a long time ago and I believe it was around about when I was in yr 8. 

It is such a sweet and cute song and pretty sad if you read the lyrics. 

I like the song as well and I remember that my beautiful friend and I act out this song as well. 

Such fun and such relaxed time that was but now everything has changed. 

We changed. 

Physically and Mentally. 

In some way I love it but then I miss being that innocent young girl sometimes. 

But we learn, we grow, we love and that is life. 

I love to love. 

I love the people around me and I care for those who are close to me. 

Never disappear cause you are special. ^v^

Non-stop Pressuring

My mum recently has been extra annoying 

as she keeps on pressuring me 

and pushing me to do more homework and study more. 

It is really getting to me 

as she expects me to study non-stop 

at every waking hour. 

It is annoying when she keeps reminding u and telling to study. 

She really has nothing better to do now 

and there would so much pressure cause of it. 

AHHH~~~ 

I wanna get out of the house more now. 

Though recently I am still quite happy 

because I have spoken to Ling much more often 

and I don't know, 

right now he gives me a very safe and happy feeling. 

I like ^.^

Night of fun

Well, Saturday night was a rather fun day for me cause I got to hang out with a few people I cherish. One was Ling who wanted to go out with me and might be the only time we have this holiday to go out. The other two are my lovely family friends who we invited to go watch a movie since Ling wanted to watch "How to train your dragon 2" and I had told him that I was going to watch it with my family friends therefore I have never went out to watch it with others before.

To my surprise both of them was able to come to watch the movie with us. As we waited for them to arrive we went to look for food but instead set for Easy way and I accidentally got a 1 litre drink which I didn't want in the first place. I just accepted the fact that I accidentally order a 1 litre drink =.= I actually almost finish it but then I really need to go bathroom after the movie.

The movie itself was pretty good and I like it just like I like the first one. I had also noticed that both my family friends and I teared up in the movie. Hehe~~~ After the movie we were deciding where to go while my long-time friend had to leave in about 30mins. We took at while but we came to a conclusion to eat at a restaurant called "Bello" (I think I can't remember the name properly.)

I was pretty hungry at the time considering, I only had 2 dumplings that day. I just wasn't hungry that day and the day before. Anyway, so I had steak while both my friend Rose and Ling had pasta but sort of different. We had a desert after which was. . . pancakes, ice-cream and maple syrup, which was pretty nice but I ended not eating a lot cause I felt sort of sick for some reason. I don't know, why but my appetite then was a little off.

After dinner we sent Rose home, and the two of us spent the next couple of hours together. As we drove around, and stayed in his car cause it was warm then staying out in the cold air and played games on our phone. I just like that relaxed feeling I had with him and it really relieved the sadness I was held in for the last couple of days.

I really had a great night and it made me feel so much happier and so now I am ready to go about my everyday life, happy and positive. (I was meant to post this earlier but I keep getting side tracked)

Music Cure

Now a days, Music is like my best friend especially songs from BTS. 

I feel a lot better listening to there songs and it also just gives me the strength to persist and be happy. One song in particular is the song N.O. by BTS really gives me strength. 

I was listening to it and singing along though only the english part "NO." 

After that I felt a lot better though right now I feel a slight cringe in my heart and that slight pain. 

But it is less and I am feeling a little happier which is good. 

This way I can keep up my happiness less worry for my friends 

and it also means I can support them if they need me. 

So lets go.

Persist and be Happy and Positive~~~ 

Though I have the feeling I don't wanna talk to anyone today especially Ling. 

Sort of don't want to go on skype 

but I know I was meant to talk to someone on it so I think I should go on. . . 

I don't know. 

Broken~~~

I completely just broke down. I felt it all day and for a moment during my bus trip home I thought I got all my emotions sorted especially after seeing my lovely onee-san. I thought yup I would be fine tonight but I wasnt. I couldn't hold it in. I just broke down. Imagine seeing someone you love that had always shown such a strong side of herself. Someone that you never see break down but then suddenly she has broken down and it isnt something very comforting. I know that everyone breaks down and all that but it isnt something you would expect to just see. I couldn't take it. I ask my sister to help out this time, I told her to go talk to my mum cause I don't know how to deal with it. My sister on the otherhand is very strong and I know she will know what to do.

On the other hand my dad is useless, what kind of person is he. You know he is heartless completely heartless. Instead of comforting my mum he was telling to stop making so much noise and that the only one that really should be pitied was him cause he is going to have a hard life. I'm thinking what the F*** I mean really is that all you would ever care about. He has no sympathy or empathy at all ZERO. HE IS COMPLETELY HEARTLESS. A BIG HEARTLESS MONSTER. I would support my mum if only I didn't break down myself. I need to support myself cause I am complete broken down into my own emotions it is hard to get a grip. I am honestly crying right now and I can't even see if I am typing everything right I probably need to go back and edit everything just to make sure everything is correct.

Alright I finish my little rant I need to finish my homework for tut 2morrow and I still got a lot of stuff to do and deal with. So off I go.

(Sorry I had to swear though i didn't write out the full word so hope that would make the blog post a bit better)

Distant in Dreams

I just remember I had a dream that had a few of my friends in but there was only about 2 parts I remember clearly.

One part was that I was planning to go out with a few friends and they where at my house and I was not ready to leave yet and I was running around looking for things and checking if I have forgotten anything.

The second part I remember include Ling. I had a distant feeling in the dream with him. I remember I was sitting next to my beautiful friend and we had a classmate who's name started with O that was sitting right in front of this lecture podium our whole class/year group was sitting at the back. Ling was sitting next to her also at the front and he saw me and I saw him but I sort of duck behind the wall for a brief few second. I looked back at him and we seem to have this distant around each other, it was weird. I don't know. For some reason, my beautiful friend began a cheer for the classmate in front and everyone in our class/year group joined in. As the lecture thing or whatever it was ended I noticed that Ling had left and I didn't get to see him or say bye or anything like that. I just remember feeling a bit upset and sort of distant with him andI am not sure why. I was worried about it and I also remember wanting to search up what the dream means.

So yeah, it was a weird part of my dream. I don't know but I don't wanna think to much into nor do I want to go all paranoid over this fact. I already have to much on my mind to even think about this but I do wanna talk to Ling not about this but just generally wanna talk to him. I miss him and I need to be more initiative I think. Yup I shall try and talk to him later today. Probably through text but that is alright in if it is that way. I just wanna contact him. Yup I think that would be ok (^.^)

Alright, done with blogging for today. Off I go to complete other tasks. Must get my mind distracted :)

Suffocating

Sorry, my lovely friends but I don't think I can be that happy and positive person I am trying to be. I feel like I am suffocating in the air filled with negativity, trapped in this atmosphere and gasping for that fresh air. I can barely take this anymore.

I have come to the conclusion that I never want to eat hot pot at home again. I love eat it but my dad is so incredibly annoying about it and the arguments that arise it is just hard to escape from. Nowadays I can't even leave the table first because I am bound to it until the end so I can help my mum out.

The house now is filled with negativity and it is choking me to death. I just really need a way out of this I need to get out and even though this week I have be going out everyday it isn't the sort escape I need. I am losing that happiness that I have held for a while but now I am just falling into an endless pit. I. . .

I don't know what to say anymore. I really just wanna a break. I want to escape and go out of this house but then again I can't I worry for my mum cause of some issues that is arising which I won't bring up here. Now because of all these issues more arguments seems to arise especially today at first I thought yay everything seems to be going alright which was surprising but now it is going down hill.

Alright I think I have just said a whole bunch of random things and I don't even think it makes sense and honestly my mind is so messed up and I can barely breathe with everything that has been going on. I am just mentally and physically exhausted. I want to sleep I want to fall into my happy dreams.

Alright, I need to go back to my study or maybe I need to help my mum again. I don't know. I am going to plan a day for myself where I can escape, I think I really need it.