Alright, I dont have mood swings today though it those seem like I do but, anyway. I woke up this morning feel a little down but not that bad, just not in the mood for anything of course I couldn't get out of going to tutoring so off I go finishing tutoring and continuing with my studies.
After I had lunch with my mum then went out to shop. I start to procrastinate and I watched shows and videos that contain BTS in it cause I am like fan-girling over them a lot lately. Watching these videos made me really happy and I forgot everything that had caused me to worry and be upset. Though this didn't last long.
My mum comes home we talk a bit which was normal but then she started to irritate me about work and compare me with my sister and that I should do this and that otherwise this and that would happen. Just the normal old lecture that EVERY TIME pisses me off. Which now has just dropped my mood completely.
I tried calming myself down as I put a pillow on my head and just lying on the bed blocking myself away from the surrounding. I guess, I got to the point that it was harder to breathe but I didn't care at the point I just wanted to stop thinking negative. Didn't really work cause I am still unhappy and I ended having to break through that comfort zone cause it was getting pretty stuffy.
As I lie there, I thought to myself was is the point of life. We can't even enjoy ourselves and have fun. At our age we are meant to have some fun we are meant to relax a bit. What is with all this pressure of getting a good mark of HSC, getting into a job and working for the rest of your life till death consumes us. What kind of life is this? Alright I know this is too much negative thinking and really there are benefits and I over exaggerated everything but still.
After I remember other things that had upset me like last night and some other times. I don't think I ever told this to anyone before including my friends well not all of it at least. So I have quite a few pimples which I am aiming to try and reduce. This was a couple of nights ago, Ling and I was first on the topic of this Kpop band I recently liked and how he talks about their looks and so forth. I told him that I am not really that interested in looks and I care about their personality way more and I was honest to him saying that if I was interested in looks I probably wouldn't be with him. He also truthfully told me that he wouldn't be with me and he does care about looks. He said he must have been blind to fall in love with me which I could tell was sort of a joking manner and he later did also confirm it.
But the thing is he does comment on who I look a lot and sometimes (kinda of hesitant in using sometimes cause it is a bit more than sometimes) it is negative. He had told me before and told me again that his friends has comment on me as well by asking him if he was still with his "ugly" girlfriend and that he doesn't want me to be called that by his friends. I was in quite good mood that night until I heard it. I heard it a few times already but still. I thought to myself what has the world become do we all depend on looks now? Is how I look really that important? Do I really look that bad? There was other mean things that he said his friends said which I don't want to say but I don't know. How do expect me to change. I can't really control how I look and I can't really control my pimples other than trying to be healthy.
I know everyone seem to have there own taste and opinion and I thought to myself that maybe to guys I look ugly cause none of my friends do say such things. But then again I think to myself these are people who don't know you so don't worry about hurting your feelings and maybe that your friends say that I look pretty or good or adorable or whatever just cause I am a friend and they wouldn't want to hurt my feelings. It happens at home to. My dad points out every negative thing about me and my mum says nice things and sometimes she is honest and tells me the truth. I don't know anymore. Why can't the world be a simplistic thing where people don't care about looks but what is underneath the person as in their personality. Why can't people fall for someone cause they like there personality and not care about the exterior?
In conclusion, I am upset. I am upset with the pressure that would gradually build until the HSC ends and how in the modern world that looks is more important than personality. Chances are if all guys in the world thinks like Ling and his friends, I would probably never ever get another Bf. So be it. I would just be alone for the rest of my life, since life is already that depressing where you would have to work until you can't move as agilely as you use to. By then you can have fun but by then what fun could you possible have.
That is life just one long hard depressing story.
(I'm sorry to my friends that read this. I am just in a bad place at the moment. Don't worry I would pick up my mood. Just got to get my mind thinking straight again. Need some time. . . sigh~)
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