Heart pounding.

My heart is starting to beat really fast and I slowly starting to freak out. 

I know this feeling. 

I have experienced it before I know what it is the cause. 

In the past, it was usually me thinking to much and everything gets sorted out. 

But even so what if this time. . . 

I must control this feeling. 

I must control this situation. 

Ahhh. . . 

I feel like I would work up another panic attack. 

*phew* I gotta breathe. 

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe

Randomness. . .

Really not sure what to post right now. I feel so random at the moment and so confused in life. I don't know exactly what I want or what I am looking for. I feel my mood has lightened up a bit today cause I woke up this morning feeling quite happy. I still told myself not to keep my hopes up and it is a good choice goes at this point I dragged my hopes down and nothing disappointing as happened so far.

A few friends sort of got on my nervous in the morning during one of our classes but I guess at the point I started to go through a rough moody patch. Not sure if they noticed but oh well all is good. Right now I feel quite happy mainly cause I just resting a bit and started watching a 3 mins clip of BTS showcasing a song. AHHH~~~ Jimin too me is very very cute (^.^). Just fan-girling over them.

Anyway, today I had a chance to actually see Ling if I waited for the next train cause I finished early today. I thought to myself if I should wait around kind of dawdle to the train station so I can bump into him, but then I thought nah he is with his friends and I am with no one. I feel like if we did it would be awkward knowing that he doesn't really want me to see his friends in the first place.

Even though I really wanted to see him again, I thought that I should just go home early do my work and let him catch the train with his friends. So the first train that came by I jumped on and went straight home. Some part of me wished that he was fast and was at the train station before the train came and I did so some people from his school. I knew though that it wouldn't happen and so I just let it be.

I don't know anymore. I probably can see him tomorrow if I wonder near the train station with D.H. . . Oh well we will see. Point is I think I am feeling happier especially when I read my one of my friends blog and remembered how I made her very happy that day before. I am glad that I can make my friends happy cause that means I am doing a good job as a friend. When ever my friends need a shoulder to lean on I will be there cause I feel like that is what I should do. I will do it for my bf too. I will always aim to make the people I love and care about happy cause if they are happy it would usually mean I am happy.

I do hope Ling is happy and I hope he misses me cause I do miss him but for some reason I have an unease feeling. Probably just me thinking too much. Alright I will stop thinking about it and I will do more study.

Don't worry friends. I am improving my mood bit by bit just you wait I shall be a happy little girl very soon. (hopefully).

Am I Lovesick?

Hmmm, my friend brought about a reason that could be resulting in my depressing moods and it really could be lovesick. I miss him a lot but then again sometimes I feel like he doesn't feel the same way and this is just an assumption I might be wrong. But it feels like that.

I know, that he told me that he has been exercising hard and resulted in not being able to contact me as much. I know it is a good thing that he is exercising and that he is getting healthy and all that but. . . I feel. . . unsure if I should really express it here. I don't know how often he reads this anymore.

I know miss him a lot and that could be the reason for this weirdness in my mood. I mean it isn't the first time it has happened. But it feels like he doesn't seem to feel that way. Sometimes I call and he gives me the replied that I dislike and it just brings my mood down. That is the reason I don't like starting the calls and perhaps I would go back to not starting calls anymore. But right now I guess I would try another time I mean so far it had really upset me 2 times 3rd times the charm I guess.

Ahh so many things that right now has depressed me and a moment ago I was so happy catching up with a friend and talking about BTS and all that. But now something happened and everything just dropped. I don't want to post it cause for now I don't want Ling to know and I also don't want my friends to know. I feel like I talk about him to much.

AHHH~~~ what does he have to do this to me? Sigh~ I feel like I am going into a rough time soon. I really hope that it doesn't happen. Oh well midnight has already struck. I should sleep. Night

1 year and 1 day

Yesterday at night I remember something but I was to tired to blog about it. 

1 year and 1 day ago from today which is the 25th of February 2013 was the first time I known Ling. My friend D.H add him into our skype call and that is when we began our first interaction.

Later our friendship developed and new feelings that I didn't know of began to develop along the way. 

Now it is the the 26th of February 2014 and we are in a relationship for around about 10 months now. How times have changed? 

How fast time flew? 

Can't believe it has been 1 year and a day since I first communicated with Ling.

Love You, Ling. 

^.^

Dancing in the Rain

Another day, What do I feel? 

I really don't know. 

I don't feel happy. 

I don't feel sad. 

I don't feel normal.  

I don't feel abnormal. 

I don't even know what I am talking about. 

But you know there is one thing I want to do is just stand in the rain with an umbrella 

and be one with nature. 

Maybe I could think things over and relax. 

I really want to be out there right now. 

It is raining and so tempting. 

Unfortunately I don't have that much time to waste. 

I got a lot of work I need to complete and I am going to get started. 

But still. . . 

Alright I will work, forget about the beautiful rain. (=.=)

Assumption

Ok, I found out that Ling look at my blog and he read something things and corrected something I wrote. Apparently I heard wrong and he didn't say he was a play boy =.=

SORRY made a mistake sigh awkward embarrassing moment. Though I really wonder how much he read cause I don't know if he read all of what I had typed that may have included him.

Panic, Panic, Panic. . . Oh well I guess maybe it is a good thing he know how I feel. Don't know. Sigh I feel so bad and ahh geez. . .

What is done is done =.=

He I found out other stuff too but not gonna post about it.

Sigh, this feeling is so hard to explain when you made a mistake about someone and that person founds out. AHHH~~~ Nothing I can do now. I shall just say sorry. Very Very Sorry.

Tears hidden

I feel like crying and I am not sure why. 

I kind of want to cry and let all my feelings out so I can return to the happy and positive state that I was. But I can't seem to let it fall and a part of me doesn't want to cry which stops me from letting me let out a drop of tear. 

I found a really cute sweet song and it was quite touching which nearly want to make me cry. 

It kind of gave me a happy and sad feeling. 

I really like the song especially when BTS sang it thought it wasn't there song. 

It was called "You're My" by Taeyang. 

It sounded so beautiful and lovely. 

I really like the song. 

Anyway, I am sure this depression won't last learn plus better than last year cause at least I still have my appetite. (^.^) 

Hehe, I shall smile until I shake this feeling off or at least till I figure out the cause. 

Btw you should listen to the song. 

It is really pretty and romantic and sweet. 

Trusting You

Alright, I feel a bit better today at least I did for a while. I had a good day nothing bad but I'm still feeling kind of down and still haven't found the reason yet.

I told myself yesterday, to stop hoping cause if I hope for something than I would just end up being disappointed but I still did hope for something. The good thing is my hope came to life and I wasn't disappointed which gave me a sort of happy feeling but of course like I said only for a while.

I hope to see Ling today, cause I knew he had a dentist appointment around 3:00 and I just hope that I would be able to catch him. I did he called and decided to keep my company. In some way I wanted to be alone but this way is better cause I see him I just being near him is some sort of comfort. I was slightly wrong yesterday cause he did notice me mood yesterday but he just didn't do anything about it. I guess he thought I need space and at the back of my head a little voice had told me that might be the guess. That little voice reminded me that my sister had told me what her BF does when she is upset and not what she wants.

But at least it is good to know he noticed. Anyway, there was some things that worried me but there is a little conflict with my own thoughts right now. So Ling are talking normal and kind of updating what has been happening. I found he has been exercising which is good but also that he has a bike buddy which I knew that it was a girl mainly cause he didn't really state the gender which usually means it is a girl. Though I don't understand why he just doesn't tell me that it is a girl and so forth. I will feel more comfortable that way and less jealous.

We some how come across a topic where Ling had admitted he use to be a playboy which is a worry. I told myself I don't want to date a playboy ever cause I don't want my feelings to be played cause I am already naive and easily tricked. Though he did say use to and that he isn't anymore but still. . .

I don't know really. I am going to trust him cause I feel like that he is someone worth my trust. I would trust him until I am proven that he isn't trustworthy. I won't be jealous anymore and I won't think too much I would just let it be. What ever happens, happens. Nothing I can do.

So I get home from tutoring feeling not bad just felt a little weird and sort of in a good way but the mood just dropped along with the peaceful atmosphere at home.

In the end, I have ended up where I started feeling sort of depressed but I have something cleared at least. I will trust him (though I feel like I showed an untrusting side of me today >.<)

Cooled Off

After my angry stage, I have cooled off and thinking logically now. 

I expect to much from a guy and maybe all girls expect too much. 

Why can't a girl ask for what she wants and be straightforward with the guy just like he would? 

I guess is that girls wants to see that a guy cares abit about them and would notice the little abnormalities. 

I know for guys, girls are probably hard to read but if you really care about her then you would notice. 

I know Ling cares just not in this way. 

It depresses me how he doesn't notice. 

Sigh I expected too much and now all that is left is the sadness. 

I should stop hoping for things to happen when deep down I know it won't. 

Saves me the trouble of feeling disappointed every single time.

Lets now just sleep off this depressing feeling. TT.TT 

Top of the mountain =.=

Honestly I probably showed say at the bottom of the pit cause really my mood just worsened how? Sigh~ Guys are honestly stupid. Actually so are girls. Sigh~ Gosh what is wrong with me?

Alright going straight to the point. I feel upset cause Ling answer my call the way I hate that he does. What does he expect me to answer. I am not in the mood to make it sound sweet and nice but when I do it doesn't change much either. I just didn't handle it well, I just said I am gonna go to sleep. So pissed and upset.

Guys are stupid for not noticing when a girl needs comfort. A girl is stupid for not just telling him instead of showing. So I am at fault I know. I am stupid.

Sigh~ What am I complaining about? I should have known that guys don't pick up this things that easily. I mean I have seen it happen before. When you need comfort it is best to be alone or with friends. This time I choose to do it alone. I can't burden my friends right now especially when I don't know what is wrong with me.

AHHH~~~~ I want to scream and cry but you know nothing is coming out. My heart and my mind is locking up this feeling. I guess it is good. I don't get to show him this side of me. I can just remain that stupid little girl that seems to fine all the time. =.=

Ignore I don't know what I am talking about.

Confirmed

I am confirmed what mood I am in. 

Not sure why and what the cause of it. 

But I am depressed and tired. 

I guess I could be depressed cause I am tired. 

But I don't know I feel like feel is just so mieh. 

No words to describe life.

I just feeling down in the dumps again. 

Probably after a few days of being in the clouds I was bound to fall back down to earth. 

I know probably posting this on this blog isn't the best idea considering my friends can see it. 

But I can't be bothered hiding it. 

Plus I am hiding it. 

I am hiding over the net, I would but on a smile wherever I go. 

But instead I know there would be this sadness lurking around. 

I might not see it being there cause I might be genuinely happy 

but that is only a momentarily. 

Who knows I might feel happier tomorrow. 

Maybe everything I feel is like just a rise and fall thing for no particular reason. 

I don't really care. 

For some reason, I want to be depressed right now. 

Maybe it is just my sleepiness that is talking cause I can't really seem to keep my eyes open much.

So of have want to keep working for just a while longer. 

Though I found a temporary remedy. 

That is watching BTS. 

There songs and concerts and all those random things that they are in.

Hehe, really addicted to them not really a good thing at a time like this. 

Oh well. I really like them especially Jimin. (^.^)

What to feel?

I have no idea, what I am feeling cause I got so many mixed emotions. I am upset, I am tired. But usually when I am tired, I get a little weird and that ends up being me going or hyper which I feel myself acting a little crazy and childish but I am also feel sad and I don't know. I am one really confused girl that I don't even know what I am typing.

So far today,
I felt happy,
I felt tired,
I felt like being alone,
I felt sad,
I felt normal,
I felt angry,
I felt disappointed.
That is a lot of feelings in one day. Maybe I am just getting mood swings. . .

I don't know I am weird girl and this is a random post though some of my post are sort of random (:P). Alright probably should stop procrastinating and do some work. (=.=) life, so cruel.

What is this heavy feeling?

Somehow, I managed to depress myself once again. Not like I wanted to but it just os happens that I did. It is from a wound that can never heal. A pain never stops. You smile like it's bandaid you cover it up and seal it from the outside world. Hoping over time that it would heal like every over wound you get but this wound is something that could never heal. It leaves a fragile scar that with one pinch you would expose a new wound deeper than the last. I haven't feel this pain in a while. I thought it healed I thought the bandaid had kept everything away from my wound.

I wonder, if I follow the same steps as my mother took. The steps which I thought would lead to happiness but it so happens I took the wrong turn and landed in a life time of pain. I am naive and I know that I am a pushover. I can easily be taken advantage up and I wouldn't know until I feel the pain.

I don't want to end up with someone like my dad. That would lead a life time of torture. But how do you distinguish the good from the bad? Even though I say this, somewhere in my heart I have a small ray of hope cause that ray of hope hasn't disappointed me yet. It may have cause some depression in the past but I still feel the warmth that it gives. I just hope this ray of hope won't turn into a ray of chaos.

I really don't know what I am talking about. I just feel that my heart is heavy and it hurts. I mean it literally hurts (though I worry it might be a result of trying to withhold my coughing throughout the day). Right now I need hug and reason why I have so many soft toys cause they would always be there when you want a warm hug but the problem is that you could hug them but they won't hug you back. Also they won't be there if you misplace them (:P).

Anyway, I think I would watch a funny variety show with BTS (the kpop band I like) to cheer me up.

Stop complaining about Mum

From the title many should be able to guess what this post would be about and yes it has something to do with my dad again. Alright so dinner comes around and I just sit there quietly and peaceful eat my dinner while hearing the complaining my dad has to say. 

So he says that my mum is like worst mum ever and who my sister is better than her a being a mum and how every other woman around the world is better than her and blah blah blah. You know how much that pissed me off, but I know if I tell him off well than I wouldn't be here right now blogging. My mum admitted that between all shanghainese woman she is a little worst cause she is more careless and not precise. 

You want to here my opinion and of course this is bias view cause it is my mum but I believe she is the best mum in the world. Yes she annoys me and pressures me to do work but deep inside I know she is looking out for me and cares a lot for me. I don't understand how my dad could see my mum as such a horrible person because honestly she is the most wonderful person ever, she has just the best personality. 

The things my dad says as well is so hypocritical cause you know he says how my mum doesn't treat him well enough and is selfish and doesn't think of him and so forth. I thought to myself, where does he get that information from? I mean my mum is one of the least selfish person in the family. She leaves all the nice food for everyone else to eat and one no one wants to eat it anymore she eats and I guess that is what mums do but still. Mums are the least selfish people. But my dad in the other hand, I mean does he even care about my mum? Does he ever take a tiny bit of time in his life to stop complaining and think about how my mum is? He is the selfish one and you know what even he does take a little but of the time to see if my mum is ok, he only does for his advantage. 

Many might think how do I know this. I know cause I've seen it, he asks about my mum and if she is fine he would be like ok then come help me with this or that. Normally he doesn't even ask and just orders her around. What do you think she is? She isn't a slave and this isn't the olden age where woman I expected to be housewives and do all the choirs and support the husband and so forth. 

My dad honestly does not have a heart cause a topic came up and said if I person who is really dirty and is bursting to go to the toilet would you let that person in? My dad said that he was like really dirty and would make the toilet really disgusting and so forth and ask if I would let the person in. I said I would (considering that he isn't a bad guy) because I feel so guilty and evil and bad if I didn't. My dad didn't believe me, he said you don't understand the situation, you don't understand who disgusting the person. Yes I don't but who cares, I mean I don't want to make this person burst his bladder or something. My mum said when he was younger and old lady from the country side came to ask to go to the bathroom and she really need to go and my dad so no to her. 

It just shows what kind of person my dad is ever since he was young. I don't understand what my mum saw in my dad that time. I don't understand how my dad stayed with my mum if he genuinely thinks that my mum is the worst woman in the world. I don't understand. >.<

I know, I shouldn't talk about my dad this way but just the things he says pisses me off and the things he does. I don't understand his logic. How can someone have so little feelings and care for others (there is a a word for that but I can't remember it). Sigh~ I will stop where I am and not rage more about how bad my dad is cause I know it is wrong and you shouldn't cause I am meant to be an "obedient" daughter. Stuff that I won't until he becomes a person I would respect. (I could never do anything bad to him though. I feel really bad if I did and sometimes calling my dad names would make me feel guilty which I shouldn't considering his personality but it does) 

Sigh~ Nothing to say. Except: 

MY MUM IS THE BEST AND I LOVE HER SO VERY VERY MUCH!!!

Jealousy

I hate this feeling. 

I hate this feeling jealousy, why do I feel this pain? 

This is one part of me that is like my star sign. 

But I don't understand why I get jealous so easily. 

How can someone make me feel this way? 

How could that someone not feel this way for me? 

I don't understand. 

I HATE FEELING JEALOUS. 

I heard, it is usually if your are insecure about yourself and I guess it is true but we cant that person make me feel secure. 

I hate this pain in my heart. 

I hate it. 

Unhappiness sinks in but that person doesn't see it. 

Too distracted with their own little world. 

Sigh~

Back to Normal

I am feeling much better now. 

Not upset anymore. 

Been studying a lot (^.^)

Gonna eat dinner, relax a bit and then back to study ^.^ hehe 

Fluctuating Moods

Alright, I dont have mood swings today though it those seem like I do but, anyway. I woke up this morning feel a little down but not that bad, just not in the mood for anything of course I couldn't get out of going to tutoring so off I go finishing tutoring and continuing with my studies.

After I had lunch with my mum then went out to shop. I start to procrastinate and I watched shows and videos that contain BTS in it cause I am like fan-girling over them a lot lately. Watching these videos made me really happy and I forgot everything that had caused me to worry and be upset. Though this didn't last long.

My mum comes home we talk a bit which was normal but then she started to irritate me about work and compare me with my sister and that I should do this and that otherwise this and that would happen. Just the normal old lecture that EVERY TIME pisses me off. Which now has just dropped my mood completely.

I tried calming myself down as I put a pillow on my head and just lying on the bed blocking myself away from the surrounding. I guess, I got to the point that it was harder to breathe but I didn't care at the point I just wanted to stop thinking negative. Didn't really work cause I am still unhappy and I ended having to break through that comfort zone cause it was getting pretty stuffy.

As I lie there, I thought to myself was is the point of life. We can't even enjoy ourselves and have fun. At our age we are meant to have some fun we are meant to relax a bit. What is with all this pressure of getting a good mark of HSC, getting into a job and working for the rest of your life till death consumes us. What kind of life is this? Alright I know this is too much negative thinking and really there are benefits and I over exaggerated everything but still.

After I remember other things that had upset me like last night and some other times. I don't think I ever told this to anyone before including my friends well not all of it at least. So I have quite a few pimples which I am aiming to try and reduce. This was a couple of nights ago, Ling and I was first on the topic of this Kpop band I recently liked and how he talks about their looks and so forth. I told him that I am not really that interested in looks and I care about their personality way more and I was honest to him saying that if I was interested in looks I probably wouldn't be with him. He also truthfully told me that he wouldn't be with me and he does care about looks. He said he must have been blind to fall in love with me which I could tell was sort of a joking manner and he later did also confirm it.

But the thing is he does comment on who I look a lot and sometimes (kinda of hesitant in using sometimes cause it is a bit more than sometimes) it is negative. He had told me before and told me again that his friends has comment on me as well by asking him if he was still with his "ugly" girlfriend and that he doesn't want me to be called that by his friends. I was in quite good mood that night until I heard it. I heard it a few times already but still. I thought to myself what has the world become do we all depend on looks now? Is how I look really that important? Do I really look that bad? There was other mean things that he said his friends said which I don't want to say but I don't know. How do expect me to change. I can't really control how I look and I can't really control my pimples other than trying to be healthy.

I know everyone seem to have there own taste and opinion and I thought to myself that maybe to guys I look ugly cause none of my friends do say such things. But then again I think to myself these are people who don't know you so don't worry about hurting your feelings and maybe that your friends say that I look pretty or good or adorable or whatever just cause I am a friend and they wouldn't want to hurt my feelings. It happens at home to. My dad points out every negative thing about me and my mum says nice things and sometimes she is honest and tells me the truth. I don't know anymore. Why can't the world be a simplistic thing where people don't care about looks but what is underneath the person as in their personality. Why can't people fall for someone cause they like there personality and not care about the exterior?

In conclusion, I am upset. I am upset with the pressure that would gradually build until the HSC ends and how in the modern world that looks is more important than personality. Chances are if all guys in the world thinks like Ling and his friends, I would probably never ever get another Bf. So be it. I would just be alone for the rest of my life, since life is already that depressing where you would have to work until you can't move as agilely as you use to. By then you can have fun but by then what fun could you possible have.

That is life just one long hard depressing story.

(I'm sorry to my friends that read this. I am just in a bad place at the moment. Don't worry I would pick up my mood. Just got to get my mind thinking straight again. Need some time. . . sigh~)

Rage Quit

Alright, tonight something really did bothered me and I am not to sure why but I do know what caused it. So I came home today really tired and I eat dinner, showered and did all that kind of stuff really slow.

Anyway, so I come on the laptop and wanted to talk to Ling and Rosiee on Skype however no one replied. I thought alright they are busy, I would talk later and so I left my laptop on to go and relax a little and sort of fell asleep for a brief couple of mins or maybe 40 mins.

Moving on. . . I came back to talk to them but still no response I assumed that Rosiee wasn't there cause her status indicated it but Ling wasn't responding and I for a second there thought I might have upset him before some how. See I should have mention when we parted early it was kind of different parting and not the ones we usually would. Reason for this cause Rosiee's mum was on the other side of the road and I didn't want her to see. So we kind of just parted ways and sad good bye through a call even though we are just a couple of meters away from each other.

Anyway, I worried, that he wasn't happy and that maybe he wasn't happy about the fact that I tried to hide though usually he is quite supportive in hiding my relationship with him to my parents. But I later found out he was playing LOL which all made since why he took so long to respond to my messages on Skype. I had call on the group chat as well and he said that I made him die in the game and I was like sorry and everything sort of went quiet. I assumed he went on a different call or muted cause I could usually hear static when his mic is on but I couldn't hear anything.

So I just felt kind of unhappy about then, in fact I was upset quite bit when I start tutoring cause I know the people in my tut thinks I am an idiot cause you know what I freaken couldn't do that stupid quiz cause I don't understand what we learnt last time. >~< Sigh. The point is, I gave up with the call. I told Ling I am going off and that he have fun and I just logged up skype and normally I would never ever ever log off skype so early (it isn't early right now but earlier than when I normal log off).

I just wasn't happy and not in the mood to deal with the silence. All I really wanted is company. I wasn't really tired cause I dozed off a bit earlier. So lonely when I don't have skype on TT^TT. Just to life I suppose.

Realising I didn't really rage quit skype but I thought that best described it. . . oh well. Night people

So Sleepy

This is gonna be a short post but I wanted to outline something specific part of my day.

So today, I went with Rosiee and Ling to an internet cafe to play some games which was one but I was quite tired during that time. Ling started to play LOL towards the end which some reason bother me but I didn't say anything I just let it be.

For school during my last 2 periods and lunch we had this big sister-little sister community thing, year 12 had to attend that was quite fun. Played some games with our little sisters, and aimed to build a tower which our group failed. Anyway that is about all that really happened. Not really interesting but whatever. Thought I should blog cause I did feel like it a minute ago.

Forbidden

Alright, today I had dinner with my dad cause my mum left for work and so it was just the two of us. I dread what topics would come up but then I thought I would eat slow cause I don't want to seem like I want to avoid him which I do.

Anyway, so a random topic came up about alcohol and how I want to try it however my dad is like no you can't drink if you want to only at home otherwise no. I don't think he thinks I have much self-control cause he thinks that I would go out and drink, getting myself into also sort of trouble. Do I really look like a girl like that? Also he thinks my friends would end up pressuring me to drink and I wanted yell at him saying how dare you say my friends would do that.

I trust my friends with my life, so even if I get drank I know they would take care of me plus I know my friends would never ever do something to hurt me. In fact I sometime feel like do would instead stop me from even finish one bottle of alcohol. Probably be like drink one sip and then they come and like alright that is enough. :P Over-exaggerated, but I know I can trust myself being around my friends and just chilling with a drink.

I know alcohol is bad and if I have too much I would put myself in a dangerous position but it isn't like I would get addicted and constantly drink and become an alcoholic which I think my dad believes would happen to me. It is nice to know what my dad thinks of me. He thinks I have no self-control, he thinks I am incapable of enhancing in the job career I want to choose. He thinks that all I am good for is being a nurse not considering how much I fear pain and how much I fear hearing others in pain.

I am not scared of blood which I have made many believe. I actually scared of the pain that is behind it, I won't be able to take hearing people scream in pain or just watching the agony they have on there face. I can't.

Sigh~ I won't listen to him. If I want to drink, I would. He doesn't control my life. I would do what I like (^.^)

Shining Stars at Night

Hehe, Just randomly thinking and day dream about what I want to experience in my life time. This time it is mainly actually or something romantic or kind of like couple things.

So,
- I want to be able to lie on a nice grassy area with a guy and look into the clear night sky with the stars and the moon shining down at us. I think it would be a cute and romantic experience and one day I want to be able to peace lie there with my bf.
- I want to be able to go on a ferris wheel with a guy at night and just spend a few mins there watching the city lights and enjoying each others company.
- I want to be able to watch the beautiful sunset with a guy and hopefully near the ocean so the light reflects onto the ocean. Wouldn't that be like a beautiful scenery? >v<
- You know I want to see what it feels like when a guy gets jealous. Ling isn't the jealous type person and so that feeling I would never know. But I don't know I want a guy that isn't too jealous but at least shows a bit.

Hehe, So much little, romantic, lovey-dovey things. (:P) I don't know what I am thinking. I am in a good mood. I guess that it is partly to do with having a proper call with Ling last night and also I have been watching videos of this recent kpop band I got into. I am surprised that I even got into a kpop band I never thought I would. . . well in some way I knew I would but I didn't want to cause I didn't want to follow the same phase my sister went through. I follow her way too much. Oh well how cares. kpop bands are way better than chinese in my view, there were some good ones before but now mieh. Hehe~ except I do like a few male individuals chinese singers. Fan-girling here ^.^ Omg. I got to work alright no more blogging tonight must be productive (^.^)

Revealed

Waiting and giving time has paid off. 

I know it has only been one day but the friend I had mention in one of the recent posts has told me the secret that I already found out the day before. 

I am not sure if it is cause she knows I found out or she genuinely wanted to tell me. 

But I am glad she did, I am glad that she trust me and that she wants me to know. 

I still won't reveal the secret cause I know some of my friends read this and I don't know if they know. 

Anyway, I am happy for my friend and I hope that she is happy with her decisions. 

I just hope that whatever happens she doesn't get hurt but then again she is a strong woman I know that if she feels like she is disrespected or felt like that she is been used she will stand up. 

I wil support her all the way and I knife ready if she needs me to take revenge. 

Mwahahaha.

Jokes~ 

I guess if she didn't I wouldn't be depressed though I would always be curious haha. 

But I am just happy that she has decided to tell me. 

(Hope whatever I said wasn't too obvious to people and that they figure out what the secret was. But even so i guess they don't know who it is hehe~ :P I am so weird today =.=)

Bucket list

Random thought just popped. Maybe, I am trying to procrastinate, I don't know. Anyway, I often heard about bucket list and I thought to myself hmm wonder what I would put on my bucket list. I wonder what experiences do I want to have before this life ends. 

For me I have thought of a few. I remember one thing was having my first kiss but that is complete :P. Anyway, a few things from the top of my head are:

- Travelling to somewhere where with my friends ( I mean like a vacation where we go out on the sydney area and spending nights away from home)

- Travelling to somewhere with a boyfriend (Don't know who it would be with maybe Ling, maybe not. Who knows)

- Going to a concert ( Never been to one would love to see what it is like. Yeah I am 17 and never been to concert sounds like a sad life)

- Going to a circus ( Ok this is weird for most cause someone my age would have probably been to one. But for me I have never and I always wonder what it is like. Is it like what you see in movies where there is clowns doing stunts and acrobats and people breathing fire and animals doing random tricks. I don't know want to go check one out

- Hmmm.... nothing else I can really think of right now. 

Hehe I don't know just some random thoughts. Don't really know why I decided to posts this :P 

Found Out Something. . .

Ok not everything I have to say is about my title though there is one part that is. Anyway, today has been an interesting sort of day. As I have been for the past couple of days, I been missing Ling and feel quite ignored. I know that after tomorrow or so he won't be ignoring me as much cause his parents would be back and he won't be able to game and so forth. Reminds me that my sister told me not to date gamers and I see the reason but you know I am looking on both sides and I don't know where I really stand.

Other than that I have been feeling tired. I didn't sleep early enough last night and had a rough night cause I couldn't get peaceful night sleep. The reason is kind of long and a little stressful for me. I don't exactly want to go into it cause there is honestly no point the person who I want them to know want read it and the people who I want to tell would just not be the best idea to tell cause of the worry and other stuff that my lead. Just to much little unnecessary things would come of it. =.=

This tiredness also cause an embarrassing thing happen to me during maths. You see, I was tired and I wanted to rest my head on the desk for a little bit. I kept pushing my chair back and back while sitting closer and closer to the edge till the point that I slide of my chair and onto the ground. Everyone turned to see what happened and my teacher was like you obviously concentrating very hard and all I did was respond yup that was exactly what I was doing. >.<

Anyway before that during recess, I found out something about a friend and I am assuming she didn't want me to know or anyone in the friendship group to know except a few people that was inevitable cause the saw it first hand. Sounds a bit confusing. . . moving. I won't say who and I won't say what I found out but it is nice to know where I stand there and how trustworthy I am to some people. Sigh~ I would let it go. None of my business, when she wants me to know she would.

Nothing really big happened today I guess. Somehow felt really excluded and lonely during school but whatever. Right now I just can't be bother even going into detail or say why or even care. All I want to do tonight is. . . never mind.

Anyway, a few good things I am glad. I am getting close to some friends haven't really done that during the holidays probably just hard to contact in someways. I shall end it here tired and not bother thinking anymore. So night guys.

Primary Friend

Alright nothing really interesting happen today, other than I met one of my old school friends. She wasn't a person I was particular close with and I guess I gradually get to know her a bit during my last year of school but even then I wasn't so close.

Anyway, we got the same bus home cause I happen to catch the later bus that I usually would catch. We talked a little asking how each other and so forth until we had no other topics and all that was left as in an awkward little silence.

You know, I always said I miss my primary school especially at the start of year 7 but I come to realised I never really truly like my primary school. I mean I loved the school but the friends and the socialise I had wasn't the best until possible the very very last year and then there were some kind of problem. Anyway, I just thought about it during that silence we had and again after reading my friends blog.

So much happened during that time but it is all in the past I look towards the future where I can enjoy with the friends I have now. Friends that I can truly count on and friends how I need in my life. No one and nothing can replace them which reminds me that Ling had made a text to Rebecca on Valentine day saying I don't need her and I only need Ling. In addition he said it was from me, honestly I can't live without my friends. I won't be able to choose how to give up cause I love both so much. It would be the most painfullest thing if someone made me choose one from the other.

My friends are there for me during the times I need them and during the times I don't. They are always there and help me if I have trouble. While Ling brings happiness that no one else can somethings that I never experienced. Being with them is totally different but equally important.

I guess today, has really made me realised how important my friends are in my life actually I always knew that. Friends are the family we choose ourselves a quote I love to use and is so very true for my case considering how much pain my real family can bring at times.

To my beautiful, lovely friends:

I LOVE YOU, GUYS.

To Ling:

Don't be jelly that I love my friends :P another thing I Love You Too~~~ (doubt he would read this but oh well)

(just notice this doesn't really talk about my primary friend oh well)

call?

I found another reason why I hate staying a call with Ling. You see, in the past Ling wanted me to initiate things first like starting call or doing something intimate (don't think wrong :P).

So I still trying and make calls of choose only in my spare time but you know the worst first thing to hear from the person you just called?? The worst thing to hear is. What do u want? Well I know there is worst but seriously. Isn't that nice to hear when you want to talk to the person missed the whole day.

So disheartening. I feel so upset about it and it isn't like it is the first he done this. Probably should mention it but whatever. If that's the attitude I get I might as well not try.

Am I making to big a deal out of this??? Maybe I don't know but still. Feel so unwanted or not needed. Felt he didn't miss me at all. Why did I waste my time thinking about you? Because I care and love him so much. I don't think he sees that. Sigh maybe be just needs space.

Whatever, can't be bother thinking. Need to sleep

Night everyone. =.=

Future thinking. . .

After seeing my sister today and talking with her. 

I been thinking about the future a far bit. 

I think how long Ling and I would last. 

I think about what is life gonna be like after HSC. 

I think about how I would keep in contact with my friends I cherish so much. 

I think about what University and course I would end up in. So much things to think about. 

I know, I should focus on the present. 

But I can't help but wonder what life would be like. 

Sigh~ 

I think, I am gonna slowly depress myself soon. 

NO. I refuse to be depressed. 

I can't for the sake of keeping my friends happy. 

I must stay:

HAPPY AND POSITIVE.

That's right.

I would be a happy person. 

Mwahahahaha

(Sorry this is another random post :P)

Today???

What is with me today? I can't get this one person out of my head. The whole day I was out with my sister and mum, that person pops in my head. I am doing my homework, that person pops in my head. I look on skype and that person is there. But why don't I start a conversation? Why don't I call? Why? Because I need to work and I don't want that person to disturb me or I dont want to disturb that person in what their doing.

By now I know a few people who read my blog would know who it is. Yes, it is Ling. I miss him so much. I always miss him but why so much today. What is so special about today and there is nothing special about today it is not the 18th yet so that doesn't make sense. But why can't I concentrate? Why can't I stop thinking about him? I wonder if he is thinking about me. Probably not, I have the feeling he is gaming but then again I could be wrong and I don't want to accuse that he is when he isn't. Done that before he didn't seem to please about it.

Anyway,
I miss him.
I miss him.
I miss him.

I wonder when I can see him again. I wonder when the next time we would be meeting. You know I constantly look at the Rose he gave me and I just start at for a while before realising I need to work. >.<

Alright I need to concentrate. I need to work. Yes that is what I would do. =.= still miss him

Options. . .

Today, was tiring well sort of. I didn't sleep early enough and I had to wake up early enough to go out eat lunch with my sister as she had invited us which she rarely does. But it made my mum very happy and I am glad of that.

Which reminds me this is off topic, but I told my mum the truth about my valentine present and who gave it to me. I trying to ease her in to the fact that I am dating him though sometimes I wonder if right now she kind of figured everything out and realised that there is something between us. But yeah so far all she knows is that he gave me valentine gifts and I made biscuits for him.

Anyway continue about my day.

So, I went with my mum and sister to Yum Cha but there was a lot of people so we had to wait a while. During that time we had wonder around the shops and stood at the entrance a few times. There was a time my sister didn't want to shop anymore, so me and her stood at the entrance waiting while my mum went out to shop some more.

During that time, my mum was not around. My sister told me I had ask who I was going with Ling and I replied everything is fine and about valentine gifts and so forth. She later mention I have a lot of options and at first I was like (O.o???). Then I realised she meant in Uni there is other guys out there and I should keep an eye out. I guess in some way I should but it seem like she is already urging me to find someone better or something.

I don't know what to think or really say. Right now,  I am not interested in find someone better or even just looking out for other guys. I am happy with where I am at. Maybe, it is because Ling didn't fulfil his promise that he would meet her before yr 12 started. My sister said she was holding a grudge against that at the time I thought it was just like a joke cause her tone and everything was not serious.

Today she brought it up again and I know she would remember this till I guess when Ling actually meet with my sister. I remember I wanted Ling to meet me sister and kind of go on this double date thing but now I am like... hesitant. Do I really want my sister to see Ling??? What is my sister going to say? What is Ling going to say? Would my sister be protective like Rebecca? Nah, I doubt it. Sigh~ I don't know why my sister brought it up but just weird that she did. Not sure what to think. Should I also mention this to Ling??? So much question runs through my mind.

Oh well doesn't matter. I had a delicious lunch and alright time with my sister.

Another thing I wanted to express on this post is the fact that Ling is playing games again. He is smart and I am sure he would be able to catch up once his parent return from wherever they went but still. He should have some self control and take this time to his advantage and spend too much playing games. I just hope that the gaming of his would cause him to ignore me or convince me to play as well. (hmmm I might be a bit clingy again. . .)

Sigh, I can't think properly about this, plus I need to work got things I need to complete. Alright I will end this hear.

Thanks for reading my rant :)

Recovered (almost)

I have recovered from this stupid cold. 

WOW~~~ 

Well not really I mean today is better than every other day less coughing by a lot. 

So glad I am better.

Mwahahaha~

Not sure of the point of this blog just so tired from studying. 

That is why I am using this post as a procrastination. :)

(=.=) Alright, already I go back to study.

Sad life TT^TT

Hehe :P So bored and lonely and bored and bored. 

Gotta find something to make me concentrate. . . 

Lets go find food :) 

I will blog something random again some times soon (^.^)

Happy Valentines Day

I am so happy today. This year's valentine's day was the best I ever had for one I had someone to celebrate it with and two I made biscuits which people really liked. It made me happy to see that people like something I made. ^.^

Yesterday, I made biscuit for Ling and made extra for my friends. They turned out alright except a few that was burnt a bit.

Anyway, so today I received a gift from my beautiful friend, Rebecca who gave a rose soap. So pretty and nice smelling

So after school, I planned to meet up with Ling so can give him the cookies I made for him which I really hoped that he liked. Took me 2 hours of my time that I could have used for my ancient study and homework completing. But all worth it just to hand it to him and see that he liked it just that moment made me feel so happy. Which reminds me that he also sent a sweet love text in the morning brought a smile to my face just reading it. Anyway, He gave me a rose and a little back that contained a lovely necklace and two pairs of earrings. 

My first valentine's present from the first love I have in my life an experience I had hoped to enjoy has come. This is my first valentines that I celebrated not as a single. So very happy. 

Thank you Ling for these new happy memories. 

Thank You for Rebecca for the fragrant valentine present.  

I LOVE YOU ALL~~~ Last but not least 

HAPPY 

VALENTINES DAY 

EVERYBODY

<3 <3 <3

SICK~~~

Alright, recently I have been slacking of a bit and I see my friend blogging away like it is part of a daily routine and I guess v she had more interesting things going on in her life. Doesn't matter I shall try and keep up to date

One thing I wanted to blog about is that I am sick and if you read my other posts you would know I don't get sick cause I do have va strong immune system. But I do have reason for the deterioration of my health but I can't really tell it to anyone.  But yeah... This uncomfortable feeling in my throat began on Sunday. That night didn't get much sleep cause I stayed up late playing a new game on my phone with Ling. Anyway following day, swimming carnival and I was a student official so I help out when ever I can or when ever I was needed.

Yesterday. . . Just the worst day ever. I could barely concentrate on class, I was so exhausted I felt hot one minute cold the next not to mention the runny nose blocked nose etc.  I still went tutor even though I felt so sick and barely concentrated but made it out.  It wasn't till I got home when I realize I got a fever of 38.2. It isn't too high but still. So today still feeling quite sick I was allowed to stay home and recover. So I took the chance and slept for half the day before completing some work.  I later found out my friend, Rebecca is also unwell and reached a fever of 38.2 like me.  She honestly should be at home and rest and take Panadol like I did.  She would feel much better.  ^.^ Alright that's all I wanted to say in this post.  I need to mention something else in my next one.

Anyway I am getting better just have an annoying cough. =.=

Off to my Friend's House

Yesterday, my friend Rebecca held a party at her house and invited a few people that was able to come including me :). Anyway, it was lots of fun we started off with lunch where we eat KFC and Benny her dog kept staring at the food. So cute~~~

Later we all play with the dog except S.Z as she was scared of the dog. It was funny to cause when someone (forgot who) threw the dog toy on to the couch near S.Z, Benny run for it and S.Z was frightened and jumped away. Fun times. Anyway, we later played random card games which ended up with M.V, S.Z, Rebecca and I eating more KFC cause we got hungry again but not a lot just a little bit.

After another card game, we slowly start to singing alone to some english music until everyone forget about the card game and was just singing to songs that they knew from my playlist. Fun times. As the singing gradually decreased, we began taking photos with each other and capturing the joyous day we had. I didn't take any on my phone but I did take one of Benny so I could post it down below.

Before I had to leave Rebecca gave everyone a tour of her house upstairs which I have seen before though she had move some things around. I had such a great day.

Thank you, Rebecca~

Cute~~~

Cute~~~

Why!?!?

On Friday, I had tutoring again but this time I meet up with Ling. We didn't do much but seat in front of this store while he had food and what was I doing? You want to know what I was doing? =.= I was doing his maths homework. Why? Did I do his maths homework? I dont know. It won't benefit him unless he does know how to do it but still practice makes prefect.

Sigh, that's ok. Though I was willing to do it more practice for me. Mwahahaha~~~ I don't know. I wonder by doing the work for him is a good thing or not. I don't know. Oh well no use thinking about the past must look forward to the future. Anyway, after we went to magic city into the Karaoke box where we sing... well more like he sang I didn't do much sing plus, I wasn't in tune anyway (:P).

You I found out also I think Magic City is also closing down cause they had a sign saying closing down sale or something I forgot (>.<). Oh well this was a random post. :) just thought I should update it since I haven't done a very good job at it.

Dead~

Omg, I feel so dead and tired. 

You know on the train I wanted to sleep so much and 

I tired to close my eyes for a bit so I can keep awake for a little longer but... =o= 

Right now, I can barely keep my eyes open. 

My head feels heavy and it sways from side to side. 

I feel like I would just fall fast asleep any minute. 

I am just forcing myself to stay awake a little longer for a few reasons 

which I am not bothered going into. 

Alright I gonna sleep very soon.

I can't not hold my head up anymore and keep my eyes from closing. 

I have exhausted myself these past two days. 

Sleep~ Me need Sleep~ (=o= zZzZzZ) 

Valentine Present~

I have an idea of what to give Ling for Valentine's Day.

The problem is when I should prepare it.

I don't know when we would meet next week. 

Hope he would like it too, (>~<).

What to think?

Hmmm. . . It is weird I feel like arguments at home have been increasing. I noticed it yesterday, I think. My dad complains about my mum and my mum complains about my dad. Same old story. Wonder whats up with them recently are they just really moody and angry at the moment not sure.

Another thing yesterday, I had a small cold where I had a runny nose and sneezed a lot. My prediction was that during the early morning I felt that it was a little humid than as the afternoon came it became quite cold. Once I was in burwood, waiting for the time of my tuition I had entered and exited the mall a few times therefore feeling hot one minute and cold the next. I conclude it was the fluctuation of temperature from the environment that cause mild cold.

Don't worry. My immune system is strong. I feel all good today, no runny nose or sneezes. Mwahaha~~~ Not my point. Point was my dad came in this morning and felt my forehead and check if I got a fever. I don't really, know how to react with that. I don't know with this show of concern, I am not sure how I can say I dislike him and how annoying he is. I guess that he is still my father and it makes sense why he cares and all that. In some way, I should treat him nicer. I wonder how I should???

sigh weird days. feeling all over the place with lots of hormone running all over the place making me feel kind of moody and ... weird... >~<

Life - so confusing...

Missing You???

I had a dream last night and it was kind of weird most parts of it cause I remember a village and I think a princess who ruled of this small village. I quite sure I was that princess but maybe I was a third person just viewing the situation. . .  I barely remember it. There are a few parts I do remember.

One part is were, I was looking for some kind of plants that was need to make medicine and they are not where they usually grow. I remember Ling being there and helping the princess. I remember that they need it for the princess grandfather which happened to be my grandfather. So in some way it is me. (O.o) Don't know, really.

The other part I remember was seeing my aunt wake up my grandfather and I was talking to him and enjoying myself and he tricked me (this part not to good) that he died. I freaked out cause he just lied there not moving but then he jumped up and was like kidding. I got angry with him but like in a joking kind of manner.

One other thing that doesn't seem to fit in was a saw yellow paper. This paper I have seen before and it is used to burn in front of graves as the paper resembled money and when burning it you are sending it to heaven for your deceased loved one to use. I saw it but don't know where it fit in the dream.

I don't know, the dream was extremely weird and I can't tell my mum cause I don't think telling about the faking part would be too good.

I assuming I miss my relatives in China. I haven't seen them in so long and worry I had for my grandfather entering the hospital just seem to get to me I guess. I need to visit them soon.

外公 (grandfather), Uncle, Aunt, Tang Ye Jie Jie (Cousin) and 2nd Uncle. I Miss You all.

Btw, I wanted find chinese characters for all of them but I can't find them and also I am not to sure what characters to use for my cousin's name.

Please be Ok

On the bus I was SO WORRIED. In fact I am still worried.

You see, before I caught my bus home, today. I was listening to voice messages on WeChat which my mum wanted me to download so I can contact her when she is in China. I found one that my cousin sent and it told my mum to contact my uncle cause something happened to my grandfather. This was the beginning of my worry.

I never knew my grandparents on my dad's side as they had all passed on before I was born. From what I heard I look a lot like my grandfather from my dad's side. Anyway, I have only ever meet my grandparents on my mum's side and I love them very much especially my grandfather. When I was younger and I went to china to visit them and go on a holiday, I had spent a lot of time with my grandfather. He played with me and spoke some english to me as he used to be a University teacher for something. . . I love him very much. He is so nice and kind and just the best person ever. My mum had also said I have a lot of similar personality traits from my grandfather.

Last time, I saw my grandparents was when I was in year 6. Unfortunately, that was the last time I ever saw my Grandmother in person as she has passed on in August in 2012 (TT^TT). I don't want to seem bad but when my grandmother moved on I wasn't as sad as one would think. I was never that close with my grandmother nor with my grandfather between them I was close to my grandfather.

Anyway, my grandfather is unwell at the moment and from what I understood he has a fever and some problems somewhere and in ICU (Intensive Care Unit) (>~<).  I was planning to visit him after HSC, he can't leave me. He needs to be ok. I want to see him again in person.

You know, I was on the brink of crying on the bus but then again I remember something about don't cry for someone before they gone (maybe I missed heard). I don't know but I really want to see my grandfather, I want him to be health and safe.

Please, Please, Please keep him safe. Let him stay till I can go to see him. Please, Please, Please.

Present, Present, Present

Finally, today I got up with buying all the gifts I need to for my friends. 

I had shopped around with D.H to find a present for our friends. 

First I brought a Birthday Present of C.G who birthday was a month ago.

I haven't seen her since school started 

so it makes since why I haven't given her a birthday present (:P).

Second, D.H and I combined money to buy for Y.L and S.Z,

who birthday is on the 3rd and 4th of this month. 

This also means Y.L are turning 18 tomorrow and S.G on Tuesday. 

Party~ 

Sadly there would be no alcohol for them as no one else in our group would be able to drink. 

hehe~ 

Oh well. 

Job is complete. 

Hope that day like their presents. 

Lib, Lib, Lib???

Alright so yesterday, I had planned with Ling and Rosiee to go to the lib the following day and study. So after tutoring I waited to be sent to the station and meet up with them to have lunch before go lib. It turned out the Rosiee's mum was going to send us and she was late which was expected but still I don't like being late. (>.<)

Anyway, so my mum and her mum decided to go out together and eat as well. It so happened that we saw them walk by the restaurant we were in and it so happened that my mum wanted to come into the same restaurant. They decided not to seeing that we were in it and had noticed that the person accompanied us was a guy which seem like they were fine with when asked later on.

So after lunch, we had yogurt before travelling to the Lib and when we were in the Lib I was the only that had work to do (=.=). Rosiee was reading a book and Ling was playing a game. So I did a little bit of work before I gave up and procrastinated for the rest of the time in the Lib. When the Lib was closing, we left and returned to the station and grabbed more food. So it seemed that we spend most of the day eating and procrastinating.

Not very productive. But oh well. :P

I had a lovely day out which was a big contrast to the mood I was in later that night but that is life. There a good and there a bad. Nothing we can do. Just go to keeping moving forward. Haha~~~

2 Hours of alone time

Alright, so on Friday I had maths tutoring and I don't go home after school but instead I go wonder around burwood for a while and go lib. Some times I hang out with Ling.

Anyway, I was by myself so I had some yogurt before leaving for the lib which was packed full or people. But inside, was an interesting design. I had to go to the children section cause that was the only spare tables I could use to do my work. But I deal with it and all was good. I left the lib 30 mins earlier so I could by some dinner before going to tutoring.

Overall a boring and tiring day. (forgot why I wanted to post about this day. . . Oh well ^.^)

Catch Up~

I so need to catch up with my blog. 

I haven't been blogging for so long and so much things have been going on 

I guess I am just getting to distracted. 

I need to keep updating this blog so I can keep up to date with my friend in her selective school. 

I want to keep in contact with her as much as possible and from some talks we had, 

I realised we are both feeling sort of lonely recently.

 Anyway, that was a while ago I think on Thursday night. 

Point is I am going to keep everyone up to date very very soon.