Every since Monday, I realised I have been keeping myself distant from my mum. I like isolate myself away from everyone in my family except my sister because I never see her anyway. But the distant is hurting little by little and I hate how I can't face her. When I face her it reminds of that interview and it reminds me how upset and disappointed she was. It reminded me that she didn't think how much I was upset over this either all she had has disappointment.
I have been no keeping a distant and I don't think I have given eye contact with her and if I have it was only for a brief few seconds. I hate distance. I hate it so much. My mum isn't the only one I have been sort of distant with. I haven't talk to Ling for quite a long almost a week if I don't talk to him by thursday. Well if you include chats like through snapchat and all then I guess I have talked to him a bit but we haven't called each other for a while.
I really wanna call him and yesterday I decided to listen to my heart and decided to start a conversation with him and hopefully call him. I had also made sure I wouldn't be disturbing him but then we never end up calling each other as he decided to sleep very soon. I was sort of upset about that forget but I thought yes I will still be able to talk to him. I encouraged myself not to be down.
Today. . . I sorta have a tough time. In the morning, I found it hard to breathe. It wasn't like I had a cold or anything. It just felt like when it is humid or air is really stiff and you try to breathe. I don't know if that is the right where to describe it but, I felt uncomfortable and I breathed heavily during the first period. Once I was able to distracted my mind everything returned to normal.
However throughout the day, I been having an unease feeling and I sort lost control of myself in one point of the day. The point I lost control is in my own language, I despise swearing in public or out loud though sometimes it happens subconsciously or due to something shocking/unexpected. But even when that happens it tends to be the S word and that about it. But today, I blurted at the F word and once I noticed it was a little late. My friends D.H and Y.L was shocked that I used that word so freely as it is so unlike me to do so. That only happened once today.
Another thing, that effected me was I left a little light-headed during my chem class but then again that maybe be due to lack of sleep the previous night. (But that didn't make much sense since it never happened before). My last reasoning for all this happening is probably I am experiencing some pressure around me and it is slowly stressing me out. In fact as I right this I feel really uncomfortable as if something is causing my heart to cringe. The pressure from my mum as I know she is constantly watching me to do my work (which unfortunately I am not very productive at the moment) and the other thing that comes across my mind is Ling. I really missed him and I definitely wanna talk to him. But cause of this distant my mind is starting to worry and I am beginning to have those what if questions. I am worried about a lot of stuff and yes I know I shouldn't and all that but I am. It is in my nature. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should even discuss this with my friends I mean. One I feel like they won't really wanna listen cause I have said these things before. Two I might get the same opinion as the last time though this is sort of a different situation (slightly). Three I just feel like maybe I should keep this to myself cause maybe this is something I should sort out myself.
I am so muddled up my mind is going through a million ideas and scenarios in my head while my heart is just feel so much pain and discomfort that it isn't even giving me any ideas on what I should do. I am just lost and scared and worried and just everything. I need a distraction only thing that could ever suppress these feelings and thoughts.
I don't know how much I can take of this.
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