Reality kicks in

I have noticed, I have been hiding myself behind a smile ever since Friday. When I talk to others, I aim to make myself sound as positive as I can. At times, I want to tell my friends everything but then I never seem to tell them. I just talk about other stuff and just smile.

Reality kicks in now. I got front row seats to the show or my parents arguments. I was eating dinner by myself, peacefully with no disturbance until my dad asked me to help him with something and after I just tried to block out everything. I could hear there voice loud and clear but there is nothing that can be done.

My dad started talking about a family friend who has similar problems to the ones in my house. The father has a bad relationship with his daughter and a bad relationship with his wife. The little boy, of the family experience things like I do but he is different why cause he is the boy of the family and gets things that a girl in a asian family doesn't. I don't know mentally if he takes it will but, all he has been through he seem like blocks at everything and handles life pretty well. But since he is a guy I never really explored in depth the emotional aspect of all this.

(Sorry, sort of went of track)

So the daughter of that family got married did ask the father to go though reluctantly and the father didn't really approved of the marriage. Of course she didn't care, she didn't really want her father to go in the first place. So I heard that his father didn't appear on her wedding day. My mother said that my dad would probably do the same thing. My dad said it depends how my sister asks and if she gets him angry he won't go.

I think about it, I know my sister wouldn't want him to go. She says it all the time and she doesn't even want to ask. My mum had said that she should ask just to be polite but my sister isn't willing to. She doesn't want my dad there to ruin her the best day of her life. She doesn't want my dad to walk her down the aisle, she think it is not necessary and she doesn't want to follow that tradition. She wants walk herself down the aisle.

I am quite sure, I have mention that my sister hates my dad. The hatred runs deep inside her. She has been through tough situations worst than I would ever have experienced. . .

Another thing I heard that my parents are talking about had related to living or some sort. My dad state that he gave my sister everything she need to succeed and none of it was her own ability. My mum thought it was stupid she didn't say it but her look she gave told me that she thought so and I agree. My dad. . . gave my sister a place to live and living expenses until my sister was able to take care of herself. But that is about it, my sister never receive that fatherly love. I wouldn't know about when I was younger or when I wasn't born though I believe my sister was in china while my dad was here during that time. Point being my sister never received the things she truly needed.

Money what can money do? My dad thinks buy giving money that we are in debt to him. But money doesn't buy a lot of things. Money definitely doesn't buy my sisters love.

I think I went a bit off track. . . Just so much things in the past that has happened. So much I have seen that resulted my own thoughts and the relationships. Sometimes I feel like cause of my sister, I have restricted my relationship with my dad in the past. I remember, that she told all these bad things. She told how bad he is and all the negative things. I admired her and loved her and I listened. Now I don't know how to interact with my dad. But then again, it might just be that I don't know how to understand. . .

I got so much I want to say. There is quite a bit I want to express over the things that has happened. But I think I will stop. I got other things I should do and I need to keep my mind of these things.