Struggling through life.

Every since Monday, I realised I have been keeping myself distant from my mum. I like isolate myself away from everyone in my family except my sister because I never see her anyway. But the distant is hurting little by little and I hate how I can't face her. When I face her it reminds of that interview and it reminds me how upset and disappointed she was. It reminded me that she didn't think how much I was upset over this either all she had has disappointment.

I have been no keeping a distant and I don't think I have given eye contact with her and if I have it was only for a brief few seconds. I hate distance. I hate it so much. My mum isn't the only one I have been sort of distant with. I haven't talk to Ling for quite a long almost a week if I don't talk to him by thursday. Well if you include chats like through snapchat and all then I guess I have talked to him a bit but we haven't called each other for a while.

I really wanna call him and yesterday I decided to listen to my heart and decided to start a conversation with him and hopefully call him. I had also made sure I wouldn't be disturbing him but then we never end up calling each other as he decided to sleep very soon. I was sort of upset about that forget but I thought yes I will still be able to talk to him. I encouraged myself not to be down.

Today. . . I sorta have a tough time. In the morning, I found it hard to breathe. It wasn't like I had a cold or anything. It just felt like when it is humid or air is really stiff and you try to breathe. I don't know if that is the right where to describe it but, I felt uncomfortable and I breathed heavily during the first period. Once I was able to distracted my mind everything returned to normal.

However throughout the day, I been having an unease feeling and I sort lost control of myself in one point of the day. The point I lost control is in my own language, I despise swearing in public or out loud though sometimes it happens subconsciously or due to something shocking/unexpected. But even when that happens it tends to be the S word and that about it. But today, I blurted at the F word and once I noticed it was a little late. My friends D.H and Y.L was shocked that I used that word so freely as it is so unlike me to do so. That only happened once today.

Another thing, that effected me was I left a little light-headed during my chem class but then again that maybe be due to lack of sleep the previous night. (But that didn't make much sense since it never happened before). My last reasoning for all this happening is probably I am experiencing some pressure around me and it is slowly stressing me out. In fact as I right this I feel really uncomfortable as if something is causing my heart to cringe. The pressure from my mum as I know she is constantly watching me to do my work (which unfortunately I am not very productive at the moment) and the other thing that comes across my mind is Ling. I really missed him and I definitely wanna talk to him. But cause of this distant my mind is starting to worry and I am beginning to have those what if questions. I am worried about a lot of stuff and yes I know I shouldn't and all that but I am. It is in my nature. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should even discuss this with my friends I mean. One I feel like they won't really wanna listen cause I have said these things before. Two I might get the same opinion as the last time though this is sort of a different situation (slightly). Three I just feel like maybe I should keep this to myself cause maybe this is something I should sort out myself.

I am so muddled up my mind is going through a million ideas and scenarios in my head while my heart is just feel so much pain and discomfort that it isn't even giving me any ideas on what I should do. I am just lost and scared and worried and just everything. I need a distraction only thing that could ever suppress these feelings and thoughts.

I don't know how much I can take of this.

Pains my heart

Something still bothers me. 

Even though a friend help me get something I wanted. 

I still feel a pain in my heart.

Maybe it is cause I feel that he only did it cause she said so.

I feel that if she didn't he would probably never done it. 

I don't know seeing what he typed made my heart hurt. 

I felt teary and I just felt like it isn't really what he wanted to do. 

Or it isnt what what he would do. 

I don't know, something I thought would make me feel better didn't. 

But I am glad my beautiful friend had finally smile cause I haven't smiled for a while. 

My heart hurts but I think of what she says makes everything feel just a tiny bit better. 

This time, Ling's words couldn't cheer me up. 

Whatever, gonna escape to the lib tomorrow. 

Drip Drop Drip Drop. . .

I tired to hold it in but I couldn't. I was in a good mood to begin with and with the add hormones during this time of the month, tears fell on there own. My mum was talking to my maths teacher with all these things that I don't wanna go in to like my sister. I couldn't hold back the tears and my sight blurs. I think I saw my maths teacher drop a tear but maybe my own imagination who knows.

I am still in an emotional state but I better get back to work and stop the lecture that would come before me. Just realised how I am so not looking forward to dinner. My report would come up again. You know what I will gulp it down and run up. Yup that is what I shall do.

Rage

I missed him but why does it feel like he doesn't feel the same way. Is he testing me again to see if I started the move? Or is it that he doesn't seem to really care? If he is testing me well now isnt that time cause my mood swings are out of control and if he doesnt care then why the . . . . do I care so much?

I am sorry I am just quite upset at the moment and I know I don't start some calls first but I do always type to him when I wanna talk and I don't think he sees that. So you know, what i dont care anymore. Tomorrow I got more depressing things to deal with like my mum yelling her head off at how bad my report is. You know what I am definitely gonna cry 2morrow and to be honest to be friends, I am crying now at the rage and sadness that came to me. But please keep this to your own knowledge and if reads this then he will know but otherwise I don't want him to know.

I am going to go to for a restless sleep and rest my eyes for the tears that would fall on the following night. Possibly I won't be on any social network 2morrow.

Night and hope people had a better night then I did. Good bye.

Who controls me? My head or My Heart

I managed to make a friend happy and I am glad but now I am a little conflicted. I don't wanna worry my friends but I just need to get this out so I can go to sleep in peace or at least go to sleep feeling a little less burdened.

Anyway, I wonder to myself if head or heart is better to control me. For my friend, she seems to let her head rule but at times her heart takes control. But for me I think I let my head take most of my control that is why I fear so many thing and fear to take that step or that risk. As for my heart it wants to venture out and express it self more vibrantly and openly without the care of what people might think. My head stops it and that is where my worries come from. My head tells me the what if but then it is also my head that pushes my hopes down for further drop as I mentioned.

Who should I let control me? I want my heart to control me cause I feel it is braver and able to show and express my love the people around my more openly and the one person I want to express to. My head is the one the stopping me with those stupid what if questions.

What if he is busy?
What if he is on a call?
What if he doesn't wanna talk to you?
What if he is made at you for some random reason?
What if he needs space?
What if. . . too many >~<

You know what my hearts wants? My hearts want to call him and talk to him and tell him that I miss him and that I love him and ask if he is ok. Why didn't I? My head took most of that control it restricted me. Yes, I need my heart to rule. . .  But would that lead to my trouble for me, I mean my heart is reckless and it would do anything.

We need that balance . . . But to get that balance is hard. . . Sigh. . .

Heart: Damn, you head. You stop me from showing an open side of myself. You had cause me a lot of trouble. You know, just stop being such a coward
Head: I am keeping us safe. Safe from being hurt and safe from being saddened or disappointed.
Heart: Take that risk you silly
Head: No, keep it safe.

Who should I listen to? Who ever I listen to would determine what I would do next?

Ok, I shall listen to that third person in me. That person that who is screaming go to sleep. Go to sleep and forget everything. Go to sleep and go to a beautiful dream and just dont wake up. haha kind of sound suicidal. No, it isn't. I just need rest. Yup that is it I am tired and making my mind all messed up in the add fact that I am having some mood swings. Yup I shall sleep.

Heart: I really miss him, though.
Head: Yes, I know. So do I.
Third person: Go to sleep and we can hopefully dream of him tonight ^.^
All together: ALRIGHT, LETS GO

(Sorry I think I just went crazy at the end. This mood swing and tiredness really brought out a new side of me haha. Goodnight. ZzZzZzZzZz...)

Out of the Social network

I just have the urge right now to not go on any social network site which includes skype, fb which I barely use now, wechat and snapchat. Why cause I feel like it? I am going off it for a day to see if I can survive with out I probably try avoid texting and calling as well but that would be hard cause I do need to contact my friend to give her birthday gift.

I don't know why I feel like doing this but I just feeling. . . that I should maybe it is this mood swing and possible I would not follow what I say on this post it all depends what I feel like in the morning. For now, I shall say goodnight.

Alicia Keys - If I Ain't Got You

I mention this before. But this time I listened to the lyrics other than the lyrics and I think it is so true of what she said. What good is it have everything but the one you love. 

Here is the lyrics: ^.^

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power, yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, Yeah

Some people search for a fountain
That promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them
Hand me the world on a silver platter
And what good would it be
With no one to share 
With no one who truly cares for me 

[Chorus:]
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, you, you
Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you, yeah

[Outro:]
If I ain't got you with me baby
So nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

Finally note to my lovely friends:

Some people want diamond rings

Some just want everything
But everything means nothing

If I don't have you guys with me. 

My beautiful, lovely friends you are what I need to make my entire life completely. Please never ever disappear from my life. 

Caught Up~~~

So, I finally caught up with my friend's blog. I haven't read for a while due to study and all that. Too much on my plate but I see her struggling at times and it hurts me to see her like that. Someone like her doesn't deserve what has been thrown her way. She knows she doesn't have to face this alone cause I would always be there for her.

Though I must say somethings I don't completely agree with and I guess this is my perspective like she says everyone has there own perspectives and it is varies with each individual. Hope is an important aspect in life and I know what it feels like to hope foe something yet to turn around the corner and get shot down. I know exactly how that feels and how it hurts but I continue to hope why cause it is what gets me through the day cause you think "oh what if this happens. . ." and it gives you that urge to take that risk or to move on and see if there is that slight 0.0000000000....01% that it could happen. I know it is hard and at times I shot myself down before I go overboard cause reaching to high means you fall in further and the pain is even stronger that is obvious. But no hope is not the way to go and you know sometimes 1 in a million chances the hope comes true and you feel so happy that it did and you won't know how to describe it.

Another is about following your head yes it is good it gets you out of trouble but what if your head isn't working. We are human we are meant to feel. We are meant to go forward and take that risks. So it hurts us we must stand up stronger than before and move on with life. Again I know this is hard especially if you have been hurt just too many times and it is hard to regain that balance you had before. I admit I am not strong and if I fall, I fall hard and I try to show a strong side only to hide that weak part. I guess if it comes to my friend her instinct are always correct but maybe there is a reason behind it and maybe the reason isn't to avoid it but to pursue it. Ok I don't know about this really it is my opinion and I probably will never understand exactly how that feel. I don't wanna see her get hurt but I want her to experience something that only the heart can receive.

For now we need to focus on HSC and yes follow your head cause you would need it cause without a head well you won't be doing you HSC very well :P. But after don't always follow your head, you need to let your heart roam and be free let it explore the world. Well my opinion and I am sorry if it might displease people but it is what I think.

But one thing is for certain I want my friend to do whatever it is best for her and not get influenced by other people. You know yourself the best. You have been with yourself longer than anyone else except your mum cause she has taken care of you for that long and experience quite a bit during her life. I just want her to be happy and follow what ever path that would lead her away from the pains she experienced and will experience. I will travel beside her guiding her the best I can or just supporting her when she needs it.

Remember there are still people out there who are different and unique. Like me ^.^ I don't follow any horoscope or star signs and suit nothing of what they ever describe. Sort been kicked out I think. I am pretty innocent and gullible and people can use me and I won't know even know it until I get hurt but that is life. We need to accept that life would throw all kinds of stuff at us and yes we will get hit and feel pain but maybe we will catch it and feel something wonderful. It just all depends. Most people in this world have lost the true meaning of life and shown an ugly side of human kind but among there are those who are still pure within.

(Hehe I went quite deep I think and possible repeated myself. Not to sure but I guess I just typed up everything that came in my head no thought filter of what I should or should not say so sorry if I offend people I tend not to filter this out during this time of the month and I just blurt out random things :P)

Pretty Song~~~

Alright I heard this song while I was having lunch with my mum 

and I thought it was pretty but only really like the chorus part. 

So I tried to found out what song it is 

and I found out that it was a song called "If I ain't got you" by Alicia Keys. 

It was just a beautiful chorus. 

So I tried sing it the song and it took a while to get it right 

and I recorded myself again. 

I wanna show it to someone to ask for an opinion on what they think it sound 

because I actually think I did pretty well 

but people hear things differently 

so I just want an opinion to see if I actually did sound pretty well 

or 

just awful and I am just dreaming it. 

I wonder who I shall show it too. . . 

Definitely not Ling >~<

Though it is a song that I could sing to him cause it is sweet but no. 

Who knows how he will judge it and usually when I sing he laughs so NO. 

:) So who else. . . Any volunteers. 

Cadetship Evening

Alright, update on thursday night. On thursday I went with Rebecca, S.Z, R.S and D.H to this cadetship evening at Luna Park. This was the first time to Luna which is pretty sad since I lived in Sydney all my life and I have no gone to the one famous smiling face I mean seriously what kind of life I am living.

Anyway, so we listen to a lecture on dress to impress talk to some employers and I was surprised that I was that I was able to speak loudly and hopefully clearly to ask question that I wanted to know. More surprising was a friend of mine R.S who usually seem to child-like and seem like she has no worry in life act so mature in asking question and finding out the necessary information she needed.

Another fun part was riding a ride called the 'Tango Train.' Didn't think I would have to much fun but I was laughing the whole way and was getting squished and my stomach hurt. Gosh but it was fun. So overall fun ride, nice experience to found out about business and beautiful scenary which I took a few pics of shown down below ^.^

Update Time

It has been a while since I have blog and I need to catch up with it.
Recently I beginning to study even more than I usually would
considering my mum's constant lectures just way to annoying.
But right now I can barely concentrate to extra by my period pain.
I hate it so much this is worst then all the other times added up together.
Honestly, it is killing me very slowly.
I blame myself I drank something very cold so the result are this.
I was lying on the floor of my room holding a hot water bottle
and cradling my stomach ever since I got in my room over an hour ago.
I ended up falling asleep which is the only way to make me forget about the pain
and I tend to get very tired during this time of the month
not to mention lots of mood swings so people should really stay clear of me

haha >~<

Might end up lying on the floor again soon. =.=

The Fall. . .

Well, I guess it is the time again. The time were I feel at the lowest.

Today I tried. . . I tried to keep a smile on my face but it hurts more than it seems.

I was in a good mood during the day yesterday cause I meet my onee-san yet once I got home my mood drop drastically. Ling didn't help much either on a call. If really doesn't know when to stop being so straightforward. I wish he would stop teasing me for just a while. I do like it sometimes cause somehow he cheers me up yesterday I wasn't up for it. It was just. . . I don't know what to say.

I know he knows how to be nice and sweet but I just wish he show that side more often.

Anyway, I was went to sleep in a horrible mood yesterday and I forced away my tears cause I knew that whatever I was upset about was not even worth it. So today, I fell all this negative energy around me and everything has lowered like my motivation to study and my self-esteem (even though that is already at its lowest.)

Ahhh~~~ I don't know maybe I am just a little moody =.=

Another I had decided today is that I don't want to meet anyone from Ling's school. Hearing about what onee-san had said about how Ling is popular and they all have talked about me. I just don't want people talking about me and judging me on my appearance and all that. Just no I won't be able to deal with that. At least not know. So it is decided that I don't wanna see people from his school and chance are I don't wanna go his formal if he asks but I might end up agreeing if he does (doubt it though).

I still want Ling to come to mine, but I am not forcing it anymore. I would ask one more time at the right time whether he wants to or not. If he says he doesn't want to go so be it then I won't ask him to come with me again. I will just go with my friends. I shall say sorry to S.Z and D.H who wanted him to drive us to darling harbour after though I still might be able to get that to happen it all depends.

So that is that. Decision for this down fall is that I don't care if Ling wants to go formal with me anymore and I don't wanna see his school mates (not that I would ever will). The end. . . Back to that boring study. . . if I can

Piling up Now~

Stress and pressure is starting pile up now.
My mum keeps lecturing me about studying more for maths.
It feels like she thinks that the only subject I have is maths.
Nothing just maths maths maths.

When she sees my result on my report next week. . .
Gosh~ I don't wanna even think about it.
She will kill me so badly.
I gave her a slight preview that I didn't do so well in maths.
You know what happened???
She began this big lecture and raising her voice.
Telling me to do more maths.

I HATE IT.
Good thing I am eating more though.
I wasn't hungry when I came home and grabbed too much rice.
I thought about what my mum is going to say after seeing my report and after a couple of minutes. I had already engulfed like 2 bowls of rice. I mean I wasn't even hungry. I guess I can do with some extra weight, haha~

Good if HSC doesn't kill me then my mum will =.= Can't wait for this to be all over.

"Perfect Family"

Is there such thing as a perfect family? There no perfect person so I guess there is no perfect family. But there are the normal happy sort of families still left in the world, right? Why can't I be a part of that kind of family?

I know me complaining about my parents is sort of old news now and you know what I should just suck it up and deal with it. Honestly, I am trying. But it comes to a time you just crack cause you can't hold in that feeling anymore. I guess my time to burst is coming close again but I haven't gone overboard like I have previously.

I just think that my "dad" doesn't appreciate everything my mum does. I know my mum does she knows that he works hard and he works hard to earn money for the family and she acknowledges that. But my dad doesn't at all. Even if he does he doesn't show it. What's the point of acknowledging it if you don't show it to the person. I mean seriously, over the 17 years I have been alive I have never ever seen my dad clean the entire house by himself or make the entire dinner by himself. Nope he has never done an house chores at all unless you count taking care of the garden but isn't house chores cause it isn't in the house.

Seriously I don't seem him doing anything but complain. If all guys are like that and think they can just lazy around at home and not do anything to help out around the house well you know what then, in the future, I would never ever ever want to get marry cause I don't want to be cleaning up after someone for the rest of my life. I rather just clean up after myself less work for me.

. . .

I'm sorry I just ranted out how much my dad's attitude really bother me. Cause all he did at the dinner table was complain how there is no food or how there is not enough vegetable in this food or this is to chilli. Well, Dad if everything to is not at your standard THEN MAKE THE FOOD YOURSELF.

Ok. . . I gotta calm down and I guess I don't sometimes I don't like to eat what my mum makes but I deal (cause i can't really say anything cause I have no idea how to cook.) But my dad makes it soundly like he knows how to cook everything better. AHH~~~ Just really annoyed me when he doesn't appreciate the fact that my mum spent time and effort in making food that would hopefully satisfy him I mean she has to cook everyday there is only so much variety she can do.

Alright, alright I will stop complaining but still. Guys please appreciate what a women does for you and same goes for women. Have a mutual respect for one another and take care of one another. Life is fair, it is people who make life seem unfair. So stop ruining life.

End of my rant. Gonna go cool off now.

Occupied~

I have been so occupied recently with assessment, school work, study, tutor work. Just so much overload and then I am to keep the people around me happy as well especially Ling. I sort just neglected my blog for a while. On thursday I had rested for a while since I just completed an assessment so I decided to randomly share something I saw on youtube.

Yeah~

So what has been happening to me lately. . . Well nothing very interesting, I guess. Been quite happy, had daily night talks with Ling and never stay up too late. Yesterday, sort of become a bludge cause Ling decided to pick me up from school and take me to burwood and accompany me until my tutoring. If I haven't mentioned yet, Ling has his P's so he sort of drove use there and so forth.

I had fun with him and also got so pissed cause he trying to annoy me and piss me off to get my reaction. One thing I remember clearly was I wanted to squirt this drink on me but was sort of empty and I thought nah I can't never do it BUT. . . BUT he squirt it on me. >.< I got so annoyed and I was going to storm off but he stole my bag so when I did walk away to cool off I had to come back and noticed that he was looking through my bag =.=

That guy really get on my nerves but some reason I still love him. He does things that both pisses me off and makes me happy. Sigh~ Oh well I still enjoy being with him yesterday. I did study to in the lib when went after eating some food though he didn't. He was playing a game on his phone listening to music on my phone and texting my friend about something (which I would want to know btw) using his phone. I did see a few things he texted but after he didn't show me and I didn't ask cause i decided to concentrate on some biology study.

I am going to study extra hard for biology cause I want to maintain my rank and hopefully beat it. I want to be at the top for at least one subject. ^.^

hehe ok Tut nearly starting off I go.

Gangnam Style Parody LOTE Block Project 2012

HEY~~~ My Lovely Friends. Do You Remember. ^.^ Haha~ So long ago. Now we have to concentrate on study =.=

BTS (Bangtan Boys) Miss Right [Eng Sub + Romanization + Hangul] HD

I really like this song and BTS singing it ^.^ I wish Jimin had more lines hehe~

140430 Bangtan Boys (BTS) - Girl Group Dances [Weekly Idol]

OMG~ I have seen this part so many times but I just can't get over it >v<



Hehe Jungkook is really good at dancing but I kept my eyes on Jimin still ^.^

Mess

I feel like my mind is in a mess. 

My life is in a mess. 

I can barely even think properly. 

I got an assessment due soon and I am not close to finishing. 

But my mind is whole bunch of blur. 

I can't think at all. 

More things that start to irritate me that bickering that is still continuing on at home. 

Maybe the best place to study would be at the lib. I don't know any more. 

I can't think at all. 

I think I am just really tired right now. 

I did have a creepy dream of killing things. 

Two things I killed was ok cause it was insect but everything else were innocent little animals. 

Why was a killing them??? 

Apparently my mind told me it was a game and there were no blood surprisingly. 

It is just weird day and I am sleepy and I think this blog is a bit weird as well. 

I just need to get my thoughts out there. 

Sorry for the weird rant, I am a bit messed up at the moment. 

Early Morning Sounds

You know, when I got up this morning, I heard arguments downstairs and I was like wow so early in the morning and they are already bickering. I heard a lot of things but I tried to ignore everything but it is sort of hard when they are sounds travel all the way upstairs. They are very loud. 

Things my dad said I don't agree on. In fact most of the things my dad says I don't agree on. But the point is I heard my dad said that he won't change and he seems to expect things from my mum but doesn't do the same in return. For on he thinks he treats my mum well enough and I can tell you anyone the knows our family will say the exact opposite to that. He thinks that my mum doesn't treat him well enough again, I know everyone tells my mum she spoils him too much. Cause my mum never does anything she wants when he is around. He is just so needy that he won't let my mum go out with her friends or do anything that causes him to be left alone. 

Another he said, shocked me a little bit then I heard this before. . . This one thing. . . I believe wouldn't be the best to blog about. . . it is quite a serious matter though I am not sure if he was serious or not. . . 

Ahhh~ So much trouble. . . 

Well I am just gonna ignore it, if my mum needs me I will be there and jump in to protect her. If it means I get hurt well I won't mind cause I protecting someone I love. I don't think I would take seeing someone I love get hurt. To me it is the same thing, cause if my mum is hurt then I will hurt equally as much mentally. 

But I am not completely troubled by this. I heard all this before. Nothing bad has happened in a long time lets just hope it stays that way. 

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day, for all the mothers out there.
I hope that everyone has done something nice for their mothers, today.
As for me. . . I haven't TT^TT
Reason my dad is at home so I sort of can't do anything.
If I did I would make him jealous.
Seriously he is just. . . sigh~

I want to go out with my mum today and go eat.
But I guess not. My dad is going to be bothering her a lot.

But regardless, when she has time for herself.
I shall wish her a happy mother's day and I will make for it on another day.
Hehe~

Oh well. . .

Trying to Control my Life Yet Again

AHHH~~~ You don't know how much I hate my dad tries and take control of my life. I mean seriously, I can make decision for myself. Ok I don't want you to or better I don't need you to tell me exactly everything I want to do.

Ok, over-exaggerating a lot. Haha, it is that bad. But for some reason my dad is like really, really against korea and japan or dont understand why. Maybe just being racist, I don't know. But I have gotten into a korean band I really like them and I have a poster of them in my room. My dad saw and was like Omg they are ugly. Omg why do you like them and then like stop liking them. I told him that he can't stop me from liking them and he said yes I can just blocked them (trying to translate literally of what he said).

To me that sounds like he is trying to control my thoughts again. I know he has his opinion, but just cause u have an opinion you can't just make everyone else go along with it. Come to think of it, that is what my dad does all the time (=.=) Geez. . .

I don't over-reacting, just in a weird mood I guess. But still. . . I DON' WANT TO BE CONTROL IN UNNECESSARY AREAS. But control it depends on who and how. Sometimes I can handle cause I don't mind it but just one my dad does it seem to irritate me. I just have that urge to go against it. . . could be a teenage thing. Oh well

Point is don't control everything in my life. I want to control it. ^.^

Stop Sucking Up To Me

Seriously. . . I mean seriously. . . Does my dad really have to come up to me and say all this things just so that he can say how bad my mum is really. . . just. . . Sigh~

So, my parents were downstairs yelling about something which I wasn't listening cause I have distracted myself with thoughts of someone :) hehe~~~ Anyway, then my dad comes up and asks are you hungry and I am like why? ) o.O He replies oh there is this taiwanese food downstairs you wanna eat it? I remember my mum shared it with my last time and I though mieh it doesn't taste that nice and it had a fish in it, a small little fish. Weird and didn't taste that bad surprisingly.

Back to my point, he told me he brought for us to eat as in me and him and that my mum is like grabbing it away from us. Then he says how bad she is and that she ate a lot in taiwan and china and so on. He sort of like asked isn't mum bad. I just remained quite like every other time he does this cause at least this time he didn't expect me to answer.

Later he was talking about this pen he got me and I admit I really like quite cool. He start boasting that he brought it just for me and my mum didn't want him to buy it. So I was like. . . =.= really?

Anyway, my dad just really trying to get on my good side and really trying to make me dislike my mum or try and ruin my relationship with her. Well not gonna happen.

So that is about all I wanted to typed and honestly I am not unhappy cause I had blocked it out by some wonderful thoughts I keep in my head. I think this method is working (^.^). I shall keep on smiling.

What is up???

Well, I have blogged in awhile now. I guess I have been busy with all the work I have finally been doing. I haven't dont this much in a while but then again today I feel quite lazy in some way and didn't do as much as I wanted to. Also part of the reason I am blogging. I had so much things I wanted to blog before but never did.

Ok well one thing I remember was being annoyed on the bus home on Monday. Why? cause the people who came on were just so dam noisy and annoying and rude. No respect at all. They sat right opposite of me so when I look in front I see them which was irritating and one thing I think I saw was not something I wanted to. I was getting off the busy and throwing my bag over my shoulder and my eyes glanced at the guy opposite of me and I think he was. . . placing. . . his hand somewhere he shouldn't in public. Not to sure if what I saw was correct cause I sort of just quickly looked away but I am quite sure the guys around him were laughing and all that. =.= Annoying people on bus.

Anyway that was that. Yesterday I found out, that someone looked very familiar in my tut. I saw him last week but I didn't think much of it but today. I am like so certain that he was from my primary school and to some point I think he might have recognised me to. Cause we kept glancing at one another. Weird anyway. So yeah, I found out his name and I am like yup definitely know this guy from primary so certain. But yeah I didn't ask but I wish I could have. Oh well.

Hmmm... Last thing I wanted to update about is. . . Oh I remember. My friend and I are planning a trip overseas after HSC, it is going to lots of fun and I can't wait but for now I need to get more people to come. The more the merrier. hehe~~~ Very exciting. Going overseas with friends and enjoying life. Ahhh can't wait. ^.^

I just rushed through quite a few things and I feel like I missed somethings. But oh well haha. I am just trying to procrastinate a little ^.^

Alright, I should study. . . I don't want to >.<

Face it.

I am such a weakling. 

Something so small has cause me into this chaotic mental state. 

I think about it there are probably quite a few people that has worse or similar situations 

and I am here just breaking down. 

I am so stupid, if this goes on how am I meant to be independent. 

I need learn to not let things break me down. 

I need to be strong. 

Of course all this is going to take a while. 

The sadness with in my still lingers. 

But for now I shall put on a smile until it disappears. 

It won't be hard. I have done it for a while. 

I won't let this pull me down. 

I hide this and show that happy side of myself to my friends. 

Something where I am getting pretty good at now. 

Smile~ TT^TT

Reality kicks in

I have noticed, I have been hiding myself behind a smile ever since Friday. When I talk to others, I aim to make myself sound as positive as I can. At times, I want to tell my friends everything but then I never seem to tell them. I just talk about other stuff and just smile.

Reality kicks in now. I got front row seats to the show or my parents arguments. I was eating dinner by myself, peacefully with no disturbance until my dad asked me to help him with something and after I just tried to block out everything. I could hear there voice loud and clear but there is nothing that can be done.

My dad started talking about a family friend who has similar problems to the ones in my house. The father has a bad relationship with his daughter and a bad relationship with his wife. The little boy, of the family experience things like I do but he is different why cause he is the boy of the family and gets things that a girl in a asian family doesn't. I don't know mentally if he takes it will but, all he has been through he seem like blocks at everything and handles life pretty well. But since he is a guy I never really explored in depth the emotional aspect of all this.

(Sorry, sort of went of track)

So the daughter of that family got married did ask the father to go though reluctantly and the father didn't really approved of the marriage. Of course she didn't care, she didn't really want her father to go in the first place. So I heard that his father didn't appear on her wedding day. My mother said that my dad would probably do the same thing. My dad said it depends how my sister asks and if she gets him angry he won't go.

I think about it, I know my sister wouldn't want him to go. She says it all the time and she doesn't even want to ask. My mum had said that she should ask just to be polite but my sister isn't willing to. She doesn't want my dad there to ruin her the best day of her life. She doesn't want my dad to walk her down the aisle, she think it is not necessary and she doesn't want to follow that tradition. She wants walk herself down the aisle.

I am quite sure, I have mention that my sister hates my dad. The hatred runs deep inside her. She has been through tough situations worst than I would ever have experienced. . .

Another thing I heard that my parents are talking about had related to living or some sort. My dad state that he gave my sister everything she need to succeed and none of it was her own ability. My mum thought it was stupid she didn't say it but her look she gave told me that she thought so and I agree. My dad. . . gave my sister a place to live and living expenses until my sister was able to take care of herself. But that is about it, my sister never receive that fatherly love. I wouldn't know about when I was younger or when I wasn't born though I believe my sister was in china while my dad was here during that time. Point being my sister never received the things she truly needed.

Money what can money do? My dad thinks buy giving money that we are in debt to him. But money doesn't buy a lot of things. Money definitely doesn't buy my sisters love.

I think I went a bit off track. . . Just so much things in the past that has happened. So much I have seen that resulted my own thoughts and the relationships. Sometimes I feel like cause of my sister, I have restricted my relationship with my dad in the past. I remember, that she told all these bad things. She told how bad he is and all the negative things. I admired her and loved her and I listened. Now I don't know how to interact with my dad. But then again, it might just be that I don't know how to understand. . .

I got so much I want to say. There is quite a bit I want to express over the things that has happened. But I think I will stop. I got other things I should do and I need to keep my mind of these things.

Predictions

When it comes to family matters, my predictions or instincts are quite accurate. On Friday, I had the strong urge to stay away from home for as long as possible. However I decided to not listen and ended up feeling quite upset for the rest of the afternoon. 

Today, I wanted to go out anywhere would be fine. I just need escape but I wasn't able to. Here I am again, not in the best of moods. You see the first two days, my parents seem alright no argument or complaining everything was good. Other than my mum bugging me about work all that, everything was fine. 

But today, I hear hints of unhappiness and I heard yelling again. As the week progresses as my life progresses, I can sense more and more arguments arise. At first I though this peace would last a while, that they have blew of steam and felt calm and happier after the vacation. It doesn't seem like it did. 

I am not surprised though, I knew that today wouldn't turn out well. I knew it all along. When it comes to family matters I need to trust my instinct. 

Sigh~ Life goes on. . .

Gone. . .

My sister come home quite early today so she could pack up her things and move back to her own apartment. She did it in such a rush I didn't really have time to say bye really.

She really just wants to get out of this house and away from this family. It is sort of depressing for me cause I won't know when I would see her next time. I definitely won't see Isaac anymore and I won't able to see them being all cute lovey-dovey together.

I really gone miss her. I am really going to miss the times that I have spent without my parents. Not going to have this sort of freedom any time soon.

TT^TT Reality has finally come back.

Life returns

How to describe today? Definitely not the best day of all. I wish I told Ling to meet me after school so that we could just hang out for a while. I wish that I could just not be at home so early. Why? Because I don't like being home again. I want that quietness I had before when I come home and no one is home and I am free. 

I don't know I should be happy my parents are home and in some way I am. But then again I am not as well. Just outside my door I noticed that my mum's car has moved and the lock on the wheel is gone. This means they are officially home. I walk in the house and I get pushed back by the strong whiff of smoke. Rushes of the memories of the things I hate all comes back. I knew I wasn't going to be happy. 

Just every minute from one I got home till now brings now joy other than the first site seeing my mum. She greeted me with a smile so happy so lively. It made me feel happy but then again, after a while she start talking to me about HSC and all that study stuff. Sigh how annoying >.< 

Sorry I guess today I wasn't happy at all. I wanted to see Ling, I missed him. I wanted to be with him. Maybe the unhappiness is also the result of some mood swings. . . How knows. Just got get some things done now and shake off this feeling. 

Sigh~~~

Matured???

I think, in some levels I have matured. I become slightly more independent. I know I can take care of myself and have gone through some many things. My life has changed quite a bit. I am still gullible and  pushover. Something that is quite hard to change about myself. I put too much trust out there cause I believe that the people around me wont hurt me. I let people trample over me cause, I feel that helping others and accompany is much better than my own selfish desires. I know people have to be selfish at times and I shouldn't let people take advantage of me but for those I love I seem to be willing. Probably Not a very good thing both this qualities to be together, cause one day if I trust the wrong person and then take advantage of me and I end up getting hurt. Not something I would like to experience.

Moving on. . . Sort of lost track of what I was meant to be saying. Hmmm. . . I think my point is I believe I have matured and become more independent. I really want to try going out into the world living in an apartment either by myself or with friends I trust. It would be fun.

I was just thinking about these things while I was cleaning the house since my parents are coming back. Hehe~~~ I think I did a good job. Alright, finished spazzing hahaha.

It Starts All Over Again

My parent's are coming back tomorrow from their vacation in China. I am sort of happy but then again not really. Why, because I know that once there back my old life comes back. The life where at times I have to deal with the constant noises outside. Deal with uprising of arguments dealing with this little things that my dad wants to take control of.

But I am happy my mum is coming back. I missed her so much. I missed seeing her, hugging and talking to her. I miss her cooking cause I am honestly sick of eating take away food all the time.

Sigh~ but still I wish I could turn back the clock and go back to those day having the house to myself, Life was so peaceful. Not going to be like that anymore. T.T

My Sweet Little Girl

Guess What!?!?!? 

It is my baby girl's birthday. 

When I mean baby girl, I mean my beautiful, gorgeous little dog, Lady. 

It is her 5th/35th birthday. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LADY!!!

I love her so much. 

I still can remember her mischievous days. 

I remember, how she climbed a small bar fence we used to block her away from the door.

This was when we first got her.

Now she is grown to such a beautiful Siberian Husky.

Love You, Lady.

^.^