Dog Fight~

I was so freaked out today. 

You see, a family friend has left a dog at our house for a week as they had to go overseas. 

So now I have to dogs at home and the other dog kind of looks like a big bull dog.

Anyway, so I went to say hello to them today and 

Lady(my dog) was lying down outside her kennel 

while the other dog was standing in the kennel with his head out licking a bone. 

Lady seeing my come stood up and decided to fight the dog 

and gain back the bone that was hers at first. 

The fight scared me and I was afraid they were going to get hurt especially Lady. 

The bull dog had its mouth around Lady's neck (a little bit under a later realised). 

I called for my mum cause I didn't know what to do. 

I told them to stop which they ignore before I screamed out at the top of my lungs for them to stop.

This time it finally got through to them and they stopped while my mum a few seconds later ran up with a broom to help. ( A little late but oh well.)

I was so shook up cause I never seen dogs fight and that I panic cause I didn't want the bull dog to hurt my Lady. He is stronger. 

Now I do not like that bull dog. . . well not really, I still like him a little.

You know, I also think it is my fault. 

I feel like my dog saw me and thought I would back her up and get her bone back. 

Lady always saw me as a owner/play mate. 

I think she thought I was going to help her. 

I felt so bad and I kept apologising to her as I was checking if she was ok. 

Scared me so much (>~<)

My parents. . .

Today, my dad decided to make lunch which was pasta with the mushroom cheesy kind of sauce. 

This is the first time I have ever eaten something he has made for the family. 

Though I was kind of happy about eat something my dad made, the problem is there is one thing I hate most out of all food is mushrooms I can't stand the taste. 

However, the one my dad put in the sauce was small enough for me to take except he wanted me to eat one whole mushroom that he made which I couldn't take which later my mum ate it. 

Another thing, that had depressed me was something my dad told me. 

He told me as both them come from China they don't divorce otherwise they would have divorced because he doesn't like my mum and my mum doesn't like him.

I knew this already but hearing it from my dad just saddened me more than I thought. 

Before even though I knew that this was the case I always have the little voice in me that begs to differ. 

That voice is silenced now. 

It is nice to know that there is no love that runs around the family. 

The only love that is left is the love they have for me and my sister. 

We kind of lost my sister since she doesn't really contact us very often. 

. . .

Sigh~ Just the thought of what he said depressed me.

However, I am glad I went out today cause I forgotten all about what I felt during lunch. 

I shall never ever think about that ever again. 

(Hope this post makes sense, I feel like this post is a little bit weird which is because I am trying to rush it so I can go play a game) 

Eating out all Day

On Friday which was yesterday, I went out to eat lunch and for dinner. 

Lunch was with my parents which later lead to wondering around Auburn and driving around Lidcombe cause there was a few road works near by. 

Anyway, we stopped at Costco and wondered around there before going home. 

For dinner, I was invited to eat dinner with a few family friends and it was meant to be an all girl outing kind fo thing so like sons and husbands and so forth could not come. 

My mum didn't go because of my dad complaining but I could. 

So we went out to a korean BBQ buffet, which was very nice except I would have liked to eat more meat cause one of my friend, A.Z doesn't really like eating meat that much and my other friend just didn't eat a lot. 

Anyway, it was yummy and I had fun. 

Another thing was the bathroom was dodgey, because both cubicles didn't have locks, a bin was shared between the cubicles and one cubicle had no toilet paper but there was a box of tissues on the floor. 

So weird and just not a very good bathroom. But other than that I had a great night. ^.^

Another Long Walk~

On Thursday, my parents dragged me out to go to a beach a Dee Why with my dog. I did not want to go but I did gets lots of pictures. But I had to walk a lot =.=

Overall, not a bad day.

Over 4km walk. . .

On Wednesday, I agreed with my family friend A.Z to go with her and her Dad to Manly beach for some fun even thought it was raining. We planned to catch a ferry to Circular Quay and then another to Manly however we found at the wharf we were on had no ferry that was going to come by therefore we had to change our plans and catch a train to Circular Quay.

At Circular Quay, we had lunch before catching the ferry to Manly which was not a pleasant ride as for one I was getting a little queasy and A.Z and I were making survival plans if the ferry was to sink which fortunately it didn't. At Manly, we walked around the place looking at the views and so forth we later found out from a sign that we had walked 2km away from Manly which we later walked back. After walking a little bit over 4km, we wonder the streets and shops in Manly most were closed considering it was Christmas Day. However, it was still fun and quite tired, physically. That day was the probably the most I walked in one day or in the past week or so though I did do a lot of walking the day before. . .

Anyway, I took some pictures which I shall post below. They are not that great in quality, though.

Christmas Lights~

At night of Christmas eve, I agree to go around the city with my parents to see Christmas lights even though I was tired of walking a lot during the day with Ling. I walked around the city a lot and took lots of photos which may not be very good but here they are down below. (Sorry, for bad quality)

Date, Date, Date~~~

On Tuesday, I told my parents I was going to the lib to study with a a couple of friends which where M.V and V.N sorry to have drag you guys into my lie but anyway. In fact I went on a date with Ling. I have seen him in a while so I was excited and happy and sort of high in seeing him that day.

So, we planned to go watch a movie called " American Hustle" which I have no idea what it was talking about other than coning people and getting evidence of Politicians taking bribes and so forth. Anyway still fun cause I was with someone I have been missing for a while. I didn't miss any scenes this time but I lying on Ling most of the time. Reminds me, apparently I looked different to him on that day and actually prettier which means I was successfully able to dress up. YAY~~~ Goal achieved.

Moving on. . .

Before the movie, we wonder around chinatown a lot and after we decided to go Karaoke in a different Karaoke place which wasn't as good but is cheaper. I was really happy and high just to be with Ling. I honestly missed him so much and that day just made my day though I didn't have much of an appetite that day, not sure why.

However, I had the most wonderfulest day ever. (I know wonderfulest is not a word but oh well). I was so happy and I seem to have made Ling happy to which makes me feel even happier (^.^). Another thing, I found out Ling is ticklish so I start trying to tickle him on the train ride back and he was stopping me and start trying to tickle me. Hehe~ It was so fun. I must do it again someday. ^.^

It was just SO much fun. So happy. ^v^

Swimming~~~

This week has been so busy for me I have gone out everyday this week so far. So on Monday, my friends has planned to go to M.V house to swim since it was a hot day. We had lots of fun swimming in the pool and take pictures with each other which comes to think of it, I need to get some photos off my friends (^.^). 

Anyway, I was the first person to arrive and after a few minutes sitting on the edge of the pool M.V decided she wanted to jump in and I followed after. We had found out that Rebecca wasn't coming and V.N was coming late. During the day, we had lots of snacks and this bread with some kind of cheese and different kinds of meat. It was yummy (@^.^@). 

But overall it was fun. We had food, we swam, we took photos and I meet M.V cousin that she talks about quite often and, and, and I meet Bella her dog which is so cute and pretty and AHH~~~ I loved her dog not more than mine but still ^.^ 

Bella (Sorry I didn't take a good pic and people feet got in the way like mine :P)

Swim, Swim, Swim. Lots of fun. 

Merry Christmas

I got so much things I want to post. 

But today I am just so tired. 

Tomorrow is another busy day for me cause I am going out again. 

The start of this summer holiday has so many things happening. 

Anyway, the point of this post is to wish:

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY~~~

(I would typed it at midnight but really tired and want to sleep early again)

Must Get Out

I need to get out of the house this week but I can't. I am glad that I can escape tomorrow and have fun with my friends. What I don't want to deal with is having to spend the next week with my dad in the house. I know that it is going to be like every other year where he would be annoying me so much and wanting to spend more time with me.

It isn't that I don't want to. . . well. . . I do not want to be with him because there is something about him that irritates me. There is something about him that can get on my last nerve. I just don't know how I am really meant to interact with him. Anyway, I know that this holiday we are going to do something with our neighbour but nothing has been planned yet and then sometimes it ends up with us not going anywhere.

If that was the case, then I would have planned other stuff and gone out with other people and enjoy my christmas holidays. (>~<) You know I always hated the christmas holidays though I still remember the time that I used to love it. When we would go out and enjoy our holidays with some family friends but gradually that stopped cause no one is organise and plan things beforehand. Anyway, then I am stuck at home and not being able to gain a moment of peace where I can just be with myself.

The problem with the Christmas holidays, is that my dad is home for a week and this is the beginning of chaos. My dad and mum would spend more time together while this sounds good for most people this is like trying to join a the north end of a magnet with the south end of another magnet. It is just the more time they are together the more arguments seem to occur and I just don't want to be there when it breaks out.

However, I can't get out no matter what I do. This is still my home and no matter how far I go, a string would always pull me back. I can't wait for the day for me to leave this home away from the constant bickering. I would be in paradise then again I will still have to come back. Nothing I can do. . . I just can't break away.

For now, I will grit my teeth and get through this time like I always done before. I am going to keep myself happy.

Wow

I was roaming around on Youtube and I watched this one video that really moved me. The dog is so cute and the person with the patience to help this poor dog is just amazing.

In the future, I want to be able to help abandoned or strayed animals just like what this guy did. Just the most amazing thing to do for an animal and not many people out there would have the heart to do something like this.

It is just so amazing and so cute~

What angers me most?

Today, one of my mum's family friend came over and are talking about HSC things and so far which is so frustrating cause it leads to you and there expectations. That is just annoying. But that wasn't bother me. What bother me was that THERE WAS NO FOOD!!! 

So during dinner, I was angry but I didn't show it. I just found some left over things to eat but then I don't like it cause everything seem to salty. So I ended up eating very little. I thought, wow I know what angers me now. I would get angry easily if I don't get food, or not have enough sleep. It is worst if you wake me up from my sleep just like the saying "let a sleeping dog lie." I think that is about it. I am don't get angry that easily but I might pretend for the fun of it and usually when I am angry it last only for half an hour however the rest of the time I want to be stubborn. There was only once I was angry for longer and that was from my mum where it was just angry but I was upset and other mixed emotions. 

Anyway, I want food. I love my mum's food when she makes things with meat in them. But no she didn't care about me. So now I shall starve. TT^TT I am hungry. . .

Stop Making Me Miss You. . .

I am missing someone. 

That person is in my mind, constantly. 

Even when I have distracted myself they seem to crawl their way back in. 

I miss their voices, their touch and everything about them. 

My mind just won't give a moment of rest. 

Why won't they get out of my head? 

Why can't I stop thinking about them? 

Why? 

Because it is Ling and I love him too much to stop thinking about him. 

I want to see him. 

I want to hug him stay close to him for as long as possible. 

I miss his presences. 

I don't want to disrupt him too much as I know he would be gaming a lot and he deserves to. 

So I won't get angry or upset and I won't distracted him when he is playing. 

But even so, he is still on my mind. 

Never ending. 

I. . . I just miss him so much. 

You know who else I miss? 

I miss my friends. 

I miss being able to talk to them everyday.

 I miss the late night talks I have with my close friends. 

I want to be able to skype with those I care about everyday, 

but then again they probably have better things to do. 

I am not as important as other things that go about in their daily lives. 

I am glad that I can keep in contact with one of my friends. 

She keeps me company and I get to listen (actually read) to what she has been up to. 

I can keep up to date with her. 

Sigh I am just missing a lot of people. 

Especially someone cause damn they are just constantly on my mind. 

In a way I like it but then again, I don't like that pain that it leaves behind. 

STOP MAKING ME MISS YOU PEOPLE~~~ 

I am joking.

 I don't want to interfere with their lives. 

Everyone has something more important to do then be on skype and engage in a boring conversation. 

It is understandable. 

Don't worry. 

I have distractions. . . 

Amazed~

I was so surprised today. 

Why??? 

Because my school for once did quite well in the HSC rankings. 

We actually reached the TOP 100 Schools and that is quite unusual for my school. 

Though I can bet that our teachers and the principal would be so happy and start broadcasting it during the school assemble next year. 

But I am so happy for my school we beat so many other school. 

My mum keep telling me, part of the reason is cause we have less students and so forth but what ever. We reach the top 100 and that for my school that is probably a big deal. 

So proud of my school this year but I am sad to say my year is going to let the school down. 

We definitely won't be able to reach such high standards. 

Just too many . . . 

Probably shouldn't say.

Anyway, I am just surprised and sort of happy. 

Catching up with Family Friends

Today, I hanged out with 2 of my Family Friends, R.Z and A.Z. 

It was lots of fun and we watched the movie "Thor: The Dark World." 

It was quite an interesting movie and I really liked Loki and his interesting illusion. 

He makes the whole movie quite interesting and funny. 

We had gone to the arcade after but I don't think they were really that interesting in it.

 >~< I'm sowwie. 

But overall I had quite an enjoyable day.

Catching Fire~

Today, I went out with D.H as she had wanted to watch catching fire and it is the first time she actually planned to an outing other then her birthday party. Anyway, we went out for lunch wondered outside a bit before going to watch the movie.

The movie was actually quite good though I don't know if I like it better than the first one. But I really do like the movie and the storyline and everything about Hunger Games. I understand why everyone is crazy about the book and so forth.

Going of track. I had quite an enjoyable time with D.H and honestly for a while I felt disconnect with her for a while especially how she was one of the people I wanted keep as a close friend for a long period of time. I am glad that we hanged out today. Lots and lots of fun even though we spend most of the time in the cinemas watching.

Another thing, our row was completely empty, so I was watching the movie lying down hehehe. Good times, though I got a huge headache from doing that. . .  Oh well. I am going to watch the next Hunger Games when the next one comes out and in fact I might try reading the book. ^.^

4 Years Ago~~~

4 years ago from last Saturday, was the day Y.L, Rebecca and I first hanged out outside of school. It was a very memorable time as we had so much fun that day. Once again, we decided to do the same 4 years later except on the Saturday we were all busy with other stuff therefore we decided to go on Sunday.

We had lots of fun just like the first time. We watch "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2" I know it kind of sounds childish for teenagers that has already start there HSC course to go and watch but we had very good reason. "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" was the first movie we watched therefore in memory of the first time we decided to watch that movie. It was so cute. I love the food animals especially the fruit ones cause I love fruit and I love animals. It makes sense that I would love fruit animals. :P

Moving on, after the movie we had lunch and spent the rest of our day in Magic city playing different games. Of course we also enter the Karaoke Box where we each sang one song. I had the best time with them and I couldn't stop smiling. I honestly felt so high and happy and I just love it. I just love hanging out with them.

Friends Forever.

I love you guys, Y.L and Rebecca.

Is it Me?

I don't know how to expressed this. I am worrying non-stop. Gosh I don't know. my heart is pounding so fast. I can't think properly. You see I haven't spoken to Ling that much recently and I feel drifted a bit. I feel like I have done something wrong and maybe I have. What did I do? Maybe I am not changing. . . I am trying to be more open. I am trying to step up. I promised to stop worrying but some worries is inevitable.

I can't stop thinking about it. Maybe. . . maybe he is upset with me cause I am not putting enough effort in. I should put more effort in. How should I put more effort? I should. . . I got ideas but then other things come in the way I think maybe if I do that I am being to clingy or I am going to disturb him or bother him or do something and make him unhappy. . .

I don't want to make anyone unhappy, especially Ling. I want to be able to keep the people around me happy and as close to me as possible. That is what I need to do. I need to show him how much he means to me.

Some times I worry and I can hear his response to it. But. . . Someone help me. I miss him and these things worry me and makes me feel really unsettled.

Question that pop up in my head:
Did I do something wrong?
Did I upset him?
Is he losing interest?
Should I call him and ask what he is doing?
Would I bother him if I call?
If I call what should I talk to him about?
What if he doesn't want me to talk to him?
How would he respond if I did this or that? (I dont know what this or that is)
Is he not happy?

Other thoughts that pop up in my head:
I need to change more.
I need to make him happy.
I need to show more of how I feel
I need to be more opened
I need to let him see that I love and care as much as he does for me
Maybe I am too late.

AHH!~!~!~ My mind is bombarded with these thoughts it is never ending. You know I don't show people how much I love and care for them. I hide it inside me cause I don't want to come out to clingy or needy or to strong. My way of loving and caring for someone is worrying for them. I want the best for them and I want to be the best for them. I don't know how to but I would find a way even if it cost my life I would aim to please the ones I love but one thing that they could never change is how much I worry for them. Cause if I dont worry for you it means you are not that important to me in my heart. My worry is the love I have for a certain person the more I worry the more love I have for them. I consistently worry about Ling and he is constantly on my mind.

I know that this relationship might not last but at this current moment I love him and from what I know right now he still loves me. It just worries me that if I don't speak to him for a long period of time that something bad might happen because it something bad had happend to a friend from a long period of not communicating with one another. I don't want to bring up cause I know she would read this and I feel bad if I did bring it up. I don't want what happened to her happen to me. I don't know if I can take it as well as her.

I should not think about it.
Think positive.
I must think positive.
I must. . .

Annoying Talk~~~

I hate talking to my dad about what course I want to do in the future, you know why? Because it is so annoying. I know he means well but. . . Geez. He is so annoying. He keeps telling me no you can't do this it doesn't suit you because you don't have this quality and that quality or you are not smart enough to do or that or. AHHH!!!

I hate it. He looks down on me. He thinks everything about me is bad. I already think that I don't need him to state it out and tell me that I am all suitable to be a nurse. I DON'T WANT TO BE A NURSE. I DON'T WANT THAT TO BE MY FUTURE. I DON'T WANT TO. I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO IT. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.

And know I am depressed cause I just heard everything, I don't want to hear. I loathe myself so much now that you can not imagine. I was angry and upset at the same time during that whole talk. You know what made me feel better or let me distract myself? I know my friends would hate me if they knew but I started hurting myself. That way I could feel pain that was worse then the conversation. That way I would concentrate on the pain more than the conversation. By the end my arm was red. I didn't hurt myself that badly. Just start pinching and squeezing my arm. It just felt a little pain cause I know I can't take anything worse.

Sigh~ Depression sinking in a little further. Rebecca don't kill me for what I did (>~<). The only thing keeping my spirits up is knowing that I get to see my 2 lovely friends tomorrow.

But for now. . . Depressed, Depressed, Depressed. TT^TT

First Pool Game Ever~~~

Today, my english tutoring was cancel as I had lunch with my sister and later gone to visit a family friend which we haven't seen for quite some time about several years.

With my sister and my mum we went to eat some viet food before travelling to Westifield and shopped around for a bit before going to our family friends house. Their house was beautiful. It was so fancy and elegant and OMG. It was just such a nice house. They had like 2 living rooms and short another one upstairs. 5 bedrooms 2 in which were guest rooms. 2 Kitchens which is weird cause normally a house has one, a small theater room, 3 bathrooms where one was downstairs, a study room and a big area where they had a pool table. It was such a nice house they even had a really pretty chandelier above the stairs.

The house was just so amazing. (>v<) Anyway, the reason we went to their house today was so that my sister could talk to Leon who is one year older than I am about Uni and what courses to take. I haven't seen Leon for so long and honestly he hasn't changed much other than he is so taller and quite skinny though I think he puts too much gel in his hair. He was kind of shy and doesn't talk to much but still he was very nice and played. My sister had wanted to play pool and so as Leon and my sister were talking, we were also playing pool. My sister and I team up cause before of us were not very good at pool especially when I just learnt how to play. No one really won cause he had one black ball on the table and we never finished hitting it into one of the holes. Anyway, it was fun even though I failed quite a bit.

Hehe~~~ Such a fun and great day. I want to try and play pool again with a few of my friends. Something on my own to do list. (^.^)

Study~~~

Yesterday, for maths tutoring I had a term test which I believe I failed even though I spent most of my afternoon trying to study for it. 

I didn't have school yesterday therefore I decided to go to the lib at strath to study with a couple of my friends, V.N and Rebecca. I meet up with them at a small food shop and talk for a while before going to the lib. I wasn't able to study with Rebecca for long as she had realised her tutoring was in a different lib and had to leave. 

It ended up with me and V.N and we did study though I couldn't concentrate much but I did study. Though I did meet one of V.N guy tut friends and she wanted to introduce me to this one guy named michael which I have heard much about from her. It was nice meeting one of her friends finally and apparently he was one of her special friends that she wanted her OS friends to meet. 

He seem quite nice as well though I can't remember his name to well cause it is quite a hard name to remember. 

Anyway, after V.N had left I travel to a lib close to my tut and study before going and failing my maths exam. Overall it was a great day though I think I had accidentally hurt myself quite a few times. The one that hurt the most was where I hit my elbow somewhere, but is good. ^.^

I was so happy to finally meet V.N since I haven't seen her in a while. ^.^

Back~~~

I am back people. 

MWAHAHAHHAA~~~

:P 

Anyway, I finally shook of my depression now. 

I haven't missed a meal yet. 

I have been smiling and enjoy the being with my lovely friends. 

I had the best day.

 I hope this remains for a long time to come. ^.^ 

Wooo~~~

I am happy. 

I am eating well. 

I am sleeping well. 

Smiles everywhere I shall enjoy the happy times I have and I can't wait for sunday cause. . . 

I have something wonderful planned. 

It is going to be fun. ^.^ 

HAPPY AND POSITIVE 

FOREVER. (@^v^@)

Fruit, Fruit, Fruity Fruit.

Fruits are becoming cheaper now and I remembering how much I love fruits when I was younger.

I might not have my appetite back but I do have a large appetite for fruits. 

Yum Yum Yummy. Can't wait to dig into the juicy delicious fruits

like, rockmelons, watermelons, cherries and the best of one of them all is. . .

MANGOES. 

WOOO~~~ Fruits are making me feel so much happier. 

In fact, after some conversation with a few of my friends my mood is starting to lift. 

Lets hope this last. 

Need to Gain it all Back

I noticed something that I know all my friends would hate and everyone would be saying how and why and what are you doing? Kind of thing. But I can't help it.

See since yesterday I started feeling quite depressed actually it start since that sudden drop of mood on sunday. Every since then I could never pick up that cheerful feeling again. I got some worries that I have but I won't discuss about that. . . Continuing on, when I am depressed I tend to loss some appetite which for me is quite bad. Why? cause I am TOO skinny. Some people are envious about how thin I am and how I can't gain weight not matter how much I eat. That is probably the only good physical feature I have.

Anyway, I have been eating a lot recently. In fact, the pass 2 days I missed lunch though I can't full say I missed it cause I still had some food after school and then had dinner later that day. So basically the time I eat is not normal. I don't eat a lot which might be the result of eating at wrong times. I could eat at lunchtime and normally when I am hungry I would go eat, but I didn't want to go even though I could tell my stomach wanted to.

So the thing I realised is that I think, I have gotten thinner which is not good but maybe it is just me. I haven't check the weights yet which I should. However I did notice that and I was shocked at first cause I though just 2 days. Could I really change in 2 days when normal people try and can't loss much in like one week. I don't know. . . Maybe I am thinking too much.

Gonna check my weight just in case. . .

Well, I checked and I did lose but not a lot. I was apparently 41kg from what my mum said but now I am 40kg. . .

Sigh~~~ I know this is not good. . . I am already underweight and. . . I don't know. . . I will get back on track, just give me time. Let me cheer up. . . Hopefully soon. . .

3 Happy Things

I realised that there is 3 things that would always make me happy that doesn't consists of burdening the people I love and care about. 

1. Flowers: 

The sight of flowers seems to lighten up my mood though I don't think it last very long which sounds fair since flowers will eventually wilt. 

2. Mangoes: 

I love mangos and the smell of mangoes make me feel quite happy. I just love it. 

3. My Dog: Lady 

She is there when I need her and regards what happens she is there. She loves me no matter what I do. She loves me no matter if I change or not. This is also the main reason I love dogs. As long as you love and care for them they would give you there heart unconditionally. They love you till the ends of the earth. I love my dog. 

Anyway, I was just thinking of ways to cheer myself up and those things seem to work temporarily 

Sigh~~~ I got to pick up my mood. >~<

Starting off on the wrong side.

I quite sure I made someone angry today but normal I can just go up and say I am sorry. However, this time. . . I don't know. . .  I want to but then there is a part of me seems to stop me. I think this is part of my  little ego I have. There is a part of me that feels offended and doesn't want to say it. But if I think about it what am I offended about? It is stupid just say it. Then conversation with myself goes one arguing.

I don't like making a friend upset nor make them angry. I am sorry. However, I don't know how I would say it in front of you. I really don't know what is wrong with me today. . . I feel so depressed and feel like an idiot. I hate my attitude today and I feel like I am annoying a lot of people around me. This is usually a side of me, I tried to hide. I don't like the way I acted today. I don't like feeling so down. I hate making people upset or angry cause it scares me. I am scared to lose the most precious things in the world to me. I don't want to lose anything.

I hate myself today. I hate everything I did today. I honestly Hate it.

I am sorry for everything I did. I don't care what my other side thinks. I am sorry. Tomorrow, I am going to return to myself and even if I am not happy, I am going to hide it so much better. I have decided to lock up every negative feeling away from the world. I never going to burden anyway with my problems. At least I would try.

I don't know what I am feeling right now. I don't even know what I am typing. I just want to get my emotions straight. I feel like a mess. The only thing I am clear about is that I hate myself right now. I hate these feelings. I hate what I did. I hate my attitude. I just hate it.

Death Dream

I don't know if this is considered a nightmare or not cause I never had a nightmare before and not sure what you feel after a nightmare. But I did have a dream that someone was going to kill me. I felt a lot of pain.

At first the pain I felt was from seeing someone else being killed but I felt the pain that they felt and I continuously felt it when ever the ghost felt the pain as well. After talking to the ghost for a while he was going to kill me was crushing my stomach with his fingers which sounds a bit weird. Anyway, I was suffocating and I felt a lot of pain before I start regain consciousness.

I remember hearing noises from my surrounding and thinking what a weird dream. But I wanted to sleep more so I forgot about it continued to sleep.

I don't think this is the normal reaction people have when they have a nightmare of death but then again maybe it isn't a nightmare. I don't know. . . it was just weird. The pain felt so life like. Does it mean anything? >~< Sigh~~~

Talk to someone~~~

You know, I want to talk to someone. 

I don't care who but someone I really trust. 

I am scared of what is going to happen later. 

I don't know what is going on downstairs and my fear is growing. 

I got friends I could talk to but I don't want to talk to them. 

Not because I don't trust them but because I know they are studying. 

I don't want to burden when they are studying. 

But, if I don't talk to them then I really have no one else. 

I am scared. 

I don't want to know what might happen. 

It seems too quiet right now as well, which might be good or bad. 

Because we all heard the phrase:

" Quiet before the Storm"

I need to breathe. 

Stand strong. 

Don't break down. 

I need to wo"man" up 

I shall face the storm and not be scared. 

>~< 

From Heaven to Hell.

I thought my weekend has finally lightened up but I guess I was happy to fast. This is how life goes. You have the happiest moments in you life and then suddenly something or in this case someone wrecks everything and everything goes down hill.

Well. . . Today is one of those times. I had the best time hanging out with my mum and returning home I felt really happy as well. I planned a schedule for holidays, I had time to rest and I had time to do my homework. Like always the lion returns home and rampages and makes my walls come crashing down.

I had finished dinner, in fact I barely started eating when my dad is complaining about the food and that  how things are not cooked and how there is nothing to eat. Geez, take it like a man and just deal with it. Anyway, my mum was angry as she had to make something else just cause he kept complaining. The arguments grew louder and my mum was annoyed that she had to eat all the food that he didn't want to eat. The food was oysters and I don't really like oyster not something I would prefer to eat, but I thought for my mum's sake so that she won't have to eat a lot of it I would eat some. So I had 2 and forced it down my throat. It wasn't to bad, just don't exactly like the taste. My mum didn't see this though.

So I tried to stop the arguments but telling them to stop and in a calm nice tone. My dad turns to me and tells me how my mum wants to argue with her rampage in the kitchen to make something else. I told him I don't care how started I just want it to stop but then he gets angry at me and says you don't care I don't care and tells me to stop arguing with him. I thought me arguing. me?!?! I am trying to stop it. Where is the logic there?

Anyway, so I said fine go argue. I am going back up to study so I wrapped my food but it in the kitchen and left. I don't want to be able to eat in peace. I want to be able to remain happy and I know if I stay down there I would not be happy and possible go deaf. Honestly when the voice start to rise my first thought was " I hope the neighbours are not hearing this."

Sigh~ My mood has been ruined but I think this time I upheld my emotions quite well but I fear that my dad would come up to me later and tell me off about what I did. But I don't think I did anything wrong. I just want the family to be at peace is that too much to ask. This is one of the reason I decided to go to the library every second day (except the weekends).

I feel like I dropped from heaven to hell.
(maybe a little over exaggerated but still...)

Anyway, now to distract myself I think. I would go and do some study.

Mango Season~~~

Guess what everyone??? 

It is MANGO SEASON!!! Which I think you guys could guess from my title but anyway. I love mangoes. My favourite fruit is mangoes. 

I don't know why or when I started loving mangoes but it is just something about it that I love. We have some at home today and I was so happy. Mangoes lighten up my day. ^.^ 

Mangoes~ Mangoes~ Mangoes~ WOOOO~~~~

I love mangoes ^.^ 

Lets all eat some Mangoes everyone.

Actually they are all mine. mine I see ^.^

(I am in a great mood today)

I don't know

I don't know anymore.

At first, I was upset with my mum from something she had said about to someone else which made me feel really angry and upset. But the point is I never thought this would upset me this much. Honestly, now I think I am just being stubborn. I just don't want to face her nor talk to her but then I think to myself, why I am really upset? Why did what she said hurt me so much? I mean it isn't like she hasn't done it before and I know that she cares about me a lot which probably the reason she said those things. But what she did, it hurt me. It made me feel so sad and angry.

I never done this to my mum before. I never ignored her for this long before. I could never be angry with my mum for a long period of time but this time I did. I tried to cheer me up but when I saw my mum everything just rolls back I felt like crying and it wasn't something I could keep in. I knew she saw that as well while she was telling me about the dinner plans for my dad and where she kept everything. My mum had a work party she had to attend to therefore she had to explain to me what is happening for dinner.

Anyway, I don't know anymore. I don't like being upset with my mum and honestly I don't remember when I was the last time I was angry with her. Even then I wasn't like this.

How could a few words push me down so much??? I don't know. I just don't know. I love my mum a lot and she means the world to me.

Sigh~~~ I should just let it go. . . I want a hug TT^TT This is when a teddy bear comes in handy and I got just the one I want to hug. ^.^

Pressure. . . .

I hate being chinese. 

I hate having chinese parents. 

I hate the pressure my mum gives me academically. 

I just hate it  

Why must chinese parents go to their friends and talk about their children academics? 

Do they not know how bothering it is? 

It pisses me off, SO MUCH~~~

Honesty.

I don't want to lie to my mum anymore. I don't want to pretend that I am not in a relationship when I am. I want to tell my mum everything. How bad could it be for my mum to know? 

Answer is probably quite bad, especially if she saw my results for english in my yearlies. But I had such a nice sensitive conversation with her. I told her what I want for my future. That I want to get married. I want to have a completely family and everything that this family couldn't provide me. I told my mum what kind of guy I wanted for a husband I told her what I though about my relationship with my dad. I talked to her about the type a guy I like and there are quite a few that Ling possesses. I told my mum about Ling and what I think of him. But I just couldn't tell her that I am in a relationship. 

I want to be honest. Even though we had a sensitive conversation which I love but I feel distant cause I couldn't tell her the truth. 

I am so sorry. I am so sorry, I can't tell you. 

I want to be honest. TT^TT

Can't Sleep

I Can't sleep and main reason why I am blogging using my phone so not use to it.

I have too much thoughts in my head. I also feel bad because. . . I feel like I should have done something more and different from what I previously done before. Also I feel like I might have done something really. . . I don't know what I am really thinking.

Just too much things to think about and I need to sleep otherwise I will be like the walking dead tomorrow.

Why won't my body let me sleep. TT^TT

A Sensitive Talks~

Tonight, I had a good talk with my friend C.G. I haven't talk with her like this for a while and I got to understand more about her which I had aim to do last year. I love having does kind of sensitive little talks cause it makes me feel so much closer with that person.  

I was so happy that she had also thought about coming to me for some advice. I was able to help in this area ad well. Hehe.

I realised, how important my friendship are to me.  I love everyone of my friends. I would cry for them. Laugh with them. Support them. Be with them when ever they need me.  

Anyway my point was I felt so happy just able to talk C.G and she seems to be more open with me which I love.

Second thing I realised is that I like the relationship that hhs a good sensitive talks cause only then you can see their true selves. It also strengthens your relationship with that person. I just love the feeling of  understanding someone else's perspective and be honest with my own thoughts. I feel more opened when the person is opened with me.

I hope my relationship with all my friends and other people I care about can all develop as strong as it possibly could.  

Worried for you~~~

This morning I saw Rebecca and heard that something is depressing Y.L. I also found out she had been crying. It is not the first time I have seen her cry and that was a long time ago and was quite a smart idea cause she got out of getting a demerit.

Anyway, a wave of worry feel over me and also D.H laughed at me because of it (=.=).
. . .Moving on. . .
I wondered what wass wrong and what could have caused it? Y.L was the first close friend I gain in year 7 and we had so much fun then. I care about her a lot. I can't bear to see her upset. I was worried the whole morning but when she arrived for second period which was bio, I could tell she has ben crying and not in a good mood. I wanted to cheer her up, but I became lost of words and I thought maybe it was not best to remind of her what ever that was depressing her cause it might bring out more of her sadness.

Y.L disappeared during recess and just before the next period, I saw her walking out of the bathroom. I.Y and D.H had tried to use comforting words to support her but I realised that she was crying again but not showing it cause she hid her face in her arms. She later left for the bathroom again.

She seem to slowly cheer up through out the day but not her normal self. I stayed with her after school talking to her and not ask anything about what had happened.  Just before the train came I noticed T.C, Y.L's bf, and I though Y.L would go and catch the next train with him. But, she decided to catch the same train with me and K.N. I am not sure if he was the reason Y.L was depressed but if he had done anything he better watch out. K.N and I before knew something wasn't right and we both didn't want to say anything. So I tried to keep the atmosphere lively and it seemed to work. I had also noticed that someone had texted Y.L but she looked at it and ignored it.

What happened Y.L? What cause her to be depressed? I knew her for a long time. I never saw her this depressed before even more than that one time I saw her cry.

Y.L, I hope you are ok. We have been friends for a long time. When you need me, I will be there to support you. Please be happy and positive. Everyone is worried about you.

ARGHHHHH~~~

I think my body is degrading. 

(though it seems about right when I lack sleep and lost my appetite)

I never use to feel this way when it is hot but now I am. 

I can't stand stuffy places. 

I finding to harder and harder to breathe. 

I feeling so hot which makes it me feel so uncomfortable and sticky which effects my mood as well. 

I want to sleep. I am just SO tired. 

Talking a bit makes me feel like it is harder to breathe. 

I honestly can't be around anyone cause I just get annoyed so easily. 

I was just talking to my mum and I become increasingly annoyed and angry. 

For once, 

I want to be alone. 

I want to hide in a hole until everything cools down. 

I want to disappear for awhile.

I can barely open my eyes. So hard to take deep breathes. 

So hard to calm down at a time like this. (>~<)

Afternoon with Friends

On Monday and Tuesday, I had gonna out and spent some time with my friend. M.V on monday and Rebecca on Tuesday.

So on Monday, M.V and I went to eat at a Jap/Kor restaurant before that we had brought Easy-way. I went to through something in the bin and I turned around to go back to M.V who was waiting for her order. I think I was about to bump into this dude or I don't know but I heard him say "Asian B****" and I was like "What!?!?!" I am not sure if it was directed to me but even so there is no need to use that kind of language. Anyway probably me thinking to much and I forgot about it rather quickly cause I was all happy with food after. I only remember the next day when I think someone was point at me or someone behind me and whispered something to a friend. I had then heard her friend say "Your so mean"
. . .
I don't know probably just thinking to much into it.

Anyway, on Tuesday, Rebecca didn't have an afternoon class for once and so accompanied me for an hour before I went tutoring. We went to eat at this chinese store, quite cheap though I would admit really not worth the money cause I could eat something like it at home if I just brought the pork/duck.

Doesn't matter, Rebecca wanted to eat it and I was sought of hungry. So we ate. After, we left for magic city and we wanted to sing but someone was in the karaoke box so, we left to play on the music cube thing. Once we finished, the guy inside had finished and we rushed into so we can sing.

We sang:
"Because of You" by Ne-yo; I was the only one singing it cause Rebecca wasn't sure of the lyrics (I am not sure if she sang like a couple of words during the chorus or not).
" Wrecking ball" by Miley Cyrus; We both but I think mainly Rebecca sang.
" Grenade" by Bruno Mars; Rebecca sang most of that song cause I wasn't sure of the lyrics but I had sang a tiny bit of the chorus. Last and not least. . .
" Hey Soul-Sister" by Train; I sang that song and Rebecca had sang a few lines in the chorus (I think). I got a score of 100. Honestly, that was a shock cause I thought I did worst then the last time I sang but apparently not or the machine broke which would be a better explanation hehe~(:P).

Anyway overall, I had quite a good afternoons but used to much money. Need to save for my friend's B'day present and my sisters. >~<

Decreased. . .

Everything is decreasing.

My appetite has decrease over these few days and I starting to not be able to eat as much as I would usually be able to.

My sleep has decreased a far bit. I just lie awake for hours before falling asleep.

My concentration has decreased but not as much as everything else. I can still concentrate when I really need to.

The thing that worries me most was what has happened to me yesterday. I was in Chem tutoring and during my exam and nearly the whole lesson, I was finding it a little difficult to breathe. I felt like I couldn't get enough air in me. I think that is quite a big concern but it might just be the humidity cause I feel it slightly today as well but not as bad as yesterday. I don't know. . . It was just that once. (hoping it is nothing

My mood has decreased a lot today. Yesterday, I woke up with a smile and remained happy until tutoring as I was getting quite tired. Today, I woke up feeling ok but I just slowly felt my annoyed and start to complain a little during the start of lunch. I got home, distracted with my phone for a while. But later I just feel so annoyed and unhappy wanted to be left alone however my dad kept annoying me. I tired getting him away from me with an annoyed tone and he got pissed. This just made me feel worse.

Why can't he understand when to leave me alone? My mum is able to. He doesn't know me at all. ARGHHH~~~ So annoyed and I don't even know the reason why I am. >.<

I don't want to release that angry on the people I care about, cause I am telling you I could just mental break. I was at the point of using the F word except I didn't say it out loud (close to though). When that happens I know I am in a bad mood.

Gonna avoid people. So I can get my emotions under control.

Though one thing had lighten my mood just slightly which was talking to my sister via Whats app. It was short like very very short but I was happy to have contacted her. Other than that. . . I am annoyed =.=

English. . .

Gosh, I hate english. I am quite sure I did quite bad in my exam today but you know what I am now just happy. Why cause I decided to go eat and fill myself up? You know it worked. I am no longer depressed about english anymore. Mwahahaha. . . 

Well, only for now when I get my results. . . TT^TT

But lets not think about it now. Gonna listen to the old songs I liked. Music stops me from thinking and worrying about everything. ^.^ Lets stop thinking and worrying. . . 

Next to You

I am listening to an english which is kind of old now but I really like it cause right now. I want to be next to someone. I am missing him so much. Probably cause I haven't really talked to him that much this weekend but we did have a great day on friday. 

In some way the song "Next to you" by Jordan Sparks reminds me of when I started liking him and I guess when he started liking me. 

"You're in my head like a song on the radio

All I know is that I got to get next to you" 

The line above is part of the song and what I am feeling right at this moment. 

I miss you hun, and "want to get next to you" 

Happy.

I am in such a good mood right now. I am listening to some old songs that I really liked when I was younger. It just gives me so much life and reminds me of how I never use to be like the way I am now.

I never worried as much as I did. I was still annoying around my friends, sometimes. I was always bored. I had always tried to be Happy and Positive except when I had a few problems dealing with family. Other than that I had such a good time then.

My aim is to return to that state. Be more happy. Be more worry free. Be more confident in myself and stop hesitating in what I want to do (though I think I was always hesitant in my actions back then.)

Oh well, Let go back to study. Hehe, just procrastinating now (:P)

Fishing~~~

So Friday afternoon, I didn't have maths tutoring and I decided to go out and meet Ling since he too has no maths tutoring that day. I was first with S.Z at hungry jacks waiting for Rebecca to arrive before we left for the Library. I was kind of getting impatient as I did want to go to the library as fast as I can to meet Ling. 

I parted with Rebecca and S.Z once we enter the library and I walked towards where Ling was sitting. He was reading, so I waited for him to finish and then had to think of something we should do. This took a few more minutes. I end up deciding to go Magic city and play some games and go in the karaoke box where I sang "Hey soul sister" and got a score of 85. 

After that we walked around and ended going to eat something at the plaza place, before we went back to Magic city and played more games. There was one game that we spent around 2 hours on and after my back was aching cause of the way I was constantly sitting on that game. The game was shooting these fishes and hitting the right ones gives you certain points and coins. It was confusing as well cause we got gems and had no idea how we got them. Ling got 10 gems and had a bonus round where he shoot the orange shark and got 500 point which is equal to 50 tokens. We continue to play until I got 10 gems which took a long time but I finally got 10 gems. My aiming is not the best so instead I let Ling play the bonus round for me. 

I got tired of the game after with a pain in my low back, so I stopped playing. But we were close to getting 10 gems on a different part of the machine. So Ling was continuing to play but I think he was getting tired as well. There was a nice chinese man that told us how to get the gems and Ling ended up asking him to play. 

It was around 8:00 and I had to leave therefore taking my leave first and left Ling in Magic city. But my mum hadn't come yet and I was going to wait for her outside of Magic City. I thought I should go back in and wait a bit cause outside was chilly and I still wanted be with Ling. I was hesitant about going in until the chinese man left and told me he got the bonus round again. I decided to go back in and surprise him. He gave me the extra tokens and we both left Magic City again. He went out a different way from me in case my mum was out there which she wasn't. You know I wanted to kiss him again before leaving but I didn't. . . I don't know why I didn't and what stopped me. But yeah. . . 

So he left, and a couple of minutes later I saw my mum's car and jumped in. That night I didn't call him cause I knew he had to finish his work and I don't want to disturb him. 

Overall, I had a fun friday. (^.^)

Discovery Day - IT and Engineering

Last Friday, with a small group of people from our school including Y.L and S.Z, we went to a discovery day at UTS. It was quite an enjoyable day. We got a freebie bag where I found a lolly pop in my bag. hehe~ I was the only one in our group who got one, (:P).

Anyway, the first session we were in was on Australian Defence Force the engineering part which I wasn't to interested in but I know someone in our group that was interested. The second session, we were to build a radio which was so cool and fun, especially using the solder cause it just melts on this point iron thing. So Fun~ Until the iron burnt my thumb. (:P) It only stung for like a few seconds but I put it under cold water and it was fine. It didn't hurt for long and no mark after. (^.^)

After the second it was time for lunch except we kind of got lost going down the elevator and went two levels lower than where we meant to get off. I brought lunch but I wasn't exactly hungry so I didn't it a lot of it and later Rebecca wanted it, so I ended up giving it to her. Appetite has been that great recently (>~<). Oh well. . .

Anyway, the third session we were learning to make our own website and learning the codes for it. It wasn't boring nor fun. The last session of the day, I knew my friend C.G would have loved to be was building a robotic arm and throwing a ball and am it to be as close to the ball in the middle of floor kind of like lawn bowling. They instructors were talking about all these physic things that I didn't understand  except some parts that I have learnt in maths which is not complete the same (:P).

I don't know who won the last session because S.Z had to leave early for tutoring and I went with with her.

Overall, I had quite a good day at UTS. Thank you for organising such a fun and entertaining day. (^.^)