Control!?!?!?

I hate being controlled at home. I hate being told you can't do this or you can't do that. I mean I live my life. I want to be able to make my won decision and not get pushed around especially at home. I know when I am out side with other people, I let it go and just go with the flow cause mainly I want to be able to make the people around me happy.

However, when I am home I don't feel that way. You tell me not to do something the more I want to do it. Ok this is not always the case cause if you ask me something reasonable like do the laundry or like put this away for me. Those kind of instructions I can take and obey like a good daughter should. But if you told me not to go to sleep until this certain time or not to do something at this time. Then it would irritate me especially when I have my specific routine.

I say this cause my dad was like to me "You can't shower until I am asleep during the weekends or if I do shower it has to be when I am not home" To me, that is controlling my life and I hate that. I know his reason is to spend more time with him and honestly this is going to be mean and I know it but I can't stand being around him for too long. He becomes really irritating for a long period of time. Anyway I got really anger by the fact that he wants to control every litte aspect of my life. I am not able to do what I want when I want. Might as well just give me a whole timetable or what to do at what time of the day. Seriously, it is just so stupid.

But yeah, I was so pissed and at that time I was on the stairs. I lost all rational thinking and when I get that angry I tend to want to punch something or squeeze something. There wasn't anything around me to squeeze nor anything soft to punch.

Don't kill me when I post this my friends. But I punch the stairs really hard and not just once but twice in two different angles. I also was hold a firm fist that my fingernail where slightly digging into me of course it didn't cut into me at all. I did feel a sharp pain on my knuckles and on the side my hand but that sort of made me cool down.

I later went into the garden still haven't cool down yet and very tempted in hitting the brick wall but by then I was able to think a bit and knowing that if I hit hard I could possible break my hand or at least injury it quite badly. But I did very lightly punch the wall which didn't hurt except that I was using the hand that I used to hit the stairs before therefore I felt a little sting from the pain before. I stopped myself after a few seconds and just leaned my head against the wall, closed my eyes and breath in the cold air.

Once I cooled off I returned inside and back upstairs continued my study till my dad is asleep. I am still a obedient girl cause I listened even though I am so against this. I might return back to normal next week but that all depends on how much I want to rebel against him or if my fear of the consequence would stop me from taking control of my life.

Sigh~ I don't know. But that just damped my mood once again. Don't worry I have my method of getting back up. I am quite sure this won't last very long cause I feel that my depression week is almost at its end.

To my friends, don't worry about the punch and all that it may have hurt at first but trust me it is fine now. I can't feel any pain at all. I am fine. I am just making sure, they understand this so they won't worry about me (^.^).