Home Alone for the Last Time

Today, would be the last time I would be home alone. My sister is coming home tomorrow and she got present for me. YAY~~~ Fun. But I think I would miss being home alone but then again my sister is a busy person even when she is back she still would not be home that often except on the weekends.

I don't know I think I finally enjoy being at home alone and now it is all going to disappear tomorrow. . . Oh well, I get to see my sister and maybe get some nicer food at home. . . =.= Why do I feel like I won't probably cause my sister doesn't cook food since she has no time. . .

Oh well. . . Just gotta deal with it.

Immune System Down

Noooo, my immune systems has definitely lowered. I don't get sick that easily usually and last year I don't remember getting sick at all except at new years but that time I think my body temperature rosed a bit high cause I had exhausted myself.

This year, my body temperature has rised a few times already. One time it was during the week were I had a cold which was quite bad. I was so tired and sick. Last week my temperature was slightly high then usually but only by like 0.1 or 0.2 degrees. Last weekend, my temperature rose to 38˚ which is quite high but the funny thing is I didn't feel sick unlike the first time this year when I had a fever. This time I felt fine other than feeling my body burning up a bit.

Sigh~ I don't want to have a weak immune system that is the only strong thing I have. (>.<) Don't worry. I will build it up. I will be fine. Hehe~~~

How Long?

How long has it been since I blogged? I think the last time I blogged was on thursday.

Lets see what I have been doing since then. Well Friday was my day of cleaning so after having a long good night's rest, which I haven't had in a while, I went to have lunch and cleaning the whole house which over the weekend has kind of mess up a bit. Anyway, I did had to go to tutoring and come home late a night which wasn't so good since I felt like I was getting a bit sick.

In the weekend I spent of most of my time with Ling and just hanging out with him. It was fun except one part. That one part was watching a scary movie. . . actually we watched two. Honestly, I still don't like scary movies but you know first time watching a scary movie wasn't that bad I guess. I had Ling next to me which in some way was good and some way were bad. Bad part was he kept scaring me like jumping out from a hidden spot (>.<) But the good thing is that he warned me when something scary was about to happen which gave me some mental preparation. The two movies we watched was " You're Next," and "Mama."

But oh well I had one experience received cause I had never watch a horror movie until yesterday and I thought that the best time would to be with a boyfriend and goal achieved.

Overall I had a fun couple of days being free from exams however, tomorrow begins a new day where school starts again and reality of school work and exams results all come crash into my world. I just know I am going to do so badly in my exams. Oh well. . . I just got to deal with it.

Last Exam~~~

Yes, I finished my last exam. 

Did I do well? 

No I don't think so. 

I feel like I failed all my exams this time. 

I feel like everything I would get is below 70%. 

Right now, I am like whatever must rest and get reenergised before school starts up again. 

Sigh~ Life. . . 

Feeling sort of depressed yet not really at the same time. 

You know, I sort mental broke down in the exam. 

I freaked out and yelled at myself. 

I don't know I felt a lot of stress. 

I felt worried.
I felt like I wasted so much time. 

I just wasn't happy. 

But, all is over I guess. 

I wanted to hide most of my feelings after school. 

That didn't really work out. 

I felt depressed but I tried to make up for it. 

I want to be strong. 

Be happy and Positive. 

So I shall for now. 

Looking on the bright side. 

That is what I shall do. 

I still kind of feel down in the dumps right now though. 

Don't worry I will pick it up soon. 

You're My - Taeyang

I am listening to You're My but the BTS version cause I am a big fan of there's plus Jimin sings in it. Anyway that isn't the point.

This song makes me really sad right now. I listen to it and I think of Ling. I really miss him. I really hope he is ok. I want to give all my warmth and love to him if I can. I hope he can receive it. I just hope he is ok, I really really do.

I Love You Ling. More than you can ever imagine.

I shall study now.

Sigh~ I hope he is ok.

Future. . . What would happen?

The more you think, the more random scenarios that pops up. I don't know what is going to happen in the future but I do know what I want in the future. I telling myself not cry and I am trying really hard. Sort of working but I feel kind of depressed as well.

I shouldn't feel depressed cause I don't know what is going to happen later. I don't know if everything I am thinking about right now is like going down the drain and everything would remain just as normal and nothing would change. Wouldn't that just be wonderful? I don't like change. I want to feel safe and comfortable and happy with the people around me. I want the people around me to feel safe and comfortable and happy. I want those fairy tales lives which I obviously know would not be true.

Cause think about it realistically, there is no magical happy endings in life. You have to work hard at times and sometimes really hard.

. . .

Alright this post would sound confusing to most people cause I don't think anyone understands what I am talking about. That is fine, because I don't really want to reveal it. I just feel a little alone and a little sad. I hope that the person I am thinking of would be fine and happy and don't get to stressed out. I, in return, we keep to what I said. I won't cry. I would be happy cause then I can hopefully keep him happy.

Yup that is what I will do. . . Smile. . . and study haha forgot I still got one more exam left. I alright off I go. Study for chem =.=

Bio Exam Over. One More Too Go

Omg, so close now. 

I just have one more exam to go. 

My bio exam was not bad but I feel like I won't get a good enough mark for it, 

considering the exam is relatively easy and 

also that it seems for every other schools the teachers mark hard. 

>~< Hope I do well. 

Great Talks

I know I said I wasn't going to blog for a while but I can't. 

This is sort of like a procrastination and a way to get things off my chest I guess. 

I grown to like blogging. 

Anyway, so I failed my maths ext 1 and I know it wasn't even that hard, I just need to study more. 

But oh well what is done is done. 

Today, I meet with Rebecca to study for Biology we did study 

but we did also had lots of private talks. 

I like it cause I let out things that I didn't think I would and it sort of makes me happy. 

It makes me happy that I can talk to Rebecca like this. 

I had a great time studying and talking with her. 

Sigh~ alright. 

Back to study for my bio exam. 

Won't be blogging for a bit.

Alright, sorry in advance cause I really got to get a start on my studies for my next exams. 

Even though my mind is a mess I don't want to fail my exams too much. 

I gotta get a hold my myself. 

I don't care if I exhausted myself too much I just need to get a good mark.

I can't fail anymore exams I just can't. 

So I think I would stop blogging for a couple of days after my ext 1 maths 

and bio exam I would blog a bit before I study for chem. 

Everyone wish me luck and I wish every other year 12 a good luck with their exams. 

(hope that sentence made sense, not really thinking about my sentence structure.) 

Blog in a couple days.

Bye bye for now. 

More Neglect.

You know, I feel like I have neglected my friends a bit over the weekend. 

Reason cause I read a friends blog 

and she seems to be going through a tough time 

and I am not there to help her. 

I wish I could be more of a help. 

I wish I can comfort her. 

You know, I can give up my own exhaustion 

and my own wishes just to make someone else happy 

cause when I see them happy I feel a lot better. 

I feel a smile across my face. 

I just like to make the people around me smile and be happy, regardless of what happens to me. 

I am sorry to my friend I should have paid more attention. 

I should have been there to support you. 

Even if you don't want me there I would secretly be beside you to lift you up when needed. 

(This would be obviously metaphorically cause I am physically to weak to carry anything heavy then like . . . 20kg. . . Maybe) 

Neglecting Blog

Sorry, but recently I have been so preoccupied but some personal reasons that I haven't been able to blog. In fact I rarely spend time on my laptop because of it cause nearly always I would be on Skype but yesterday I didn't go on at all. Weird. . . Not really for me since I know the exact reason.

Gosh, my head is in such a mess and I can't even think straight and I have an important ext 1 maths exam tomorrow. What was I thinking? What was I doing? That is something I can't tell anyone cause I don't want people to know. I don't want to be judged differently. I don't want to be treated differently. I don't want my friends to see me like I am a completely different person. So I can't blog about it I can't tell them about it.

Sigh, the past few days seem to have pasted by like a breeze. I felt so much and now I am mentally and physically exhausted which may have cause a small little fever this morning but don't worry. I am not sick I just exhausted myself too much but in someway I am happy about it.

Alright I know this blog makes no sense to people and really I kind of don't understand what I am typing but I got so much emotion I want to express but I want to keep it hidden as well. I think I am going to write it down separately instead of blog it cause I honestly don't want any of my friends too know.

All I can think about it this rush of different emotions and the fact that I am so so going to fail my maths exam and maybe the 2 other exams I have this week. I can't wait for all exams to be over. Maybe that way I can finally gain back all the energy I lost over the weekend.

Finally note: SO EXHAUSTED.

2 unit paper or 3 unit?

Gosh, I study a lot yesterday for Maths.

Honestly study so much, but that paper was so freaken hard. 

Everyone thought so and it is depressing. 

I hate maths and the worst part I still have one more maths exam left. 

AHHH~~~ Why does Maths exists? =.= 

Sigh life. 

3 Down, 4 More To Go.

Alright, so I study and study and study for my Ancient for the last two days. 

Though, honestly I think I could have studied more and better but oh well because you know what. 

I felt good after the exam. 

At first my mind was freaking out. 

I thought I was going to fail but it turned out ok. 

I put down everything I wanted to put down I bet I could have done better and 

probably won't get like full marks or anything and 

loss a bit of marks and all that but. . . 

I think I did ok so I am happy. I

 hope I can get the best mark out of it ^.^

All I have to say, I gotta go study for maths. 

Something I really have to do well in. 

Practice, Practice, Practice. =.= 

I'm Done =.=

So, my exam block starts this week and so I haven't blogged since friday. Been studying studying studying. I seem to have neglect someone special on mine as well and now I am not sure how to react to it. Cause I haven't spoken to him for 2 days. I'm thinking is he testing how long I would start a call like he did a while back of is he just really busy with something though he has finished his exam block. I don't know. There is a few things I had in my mind that I want to get sorted out but then. . . Ahhh just to complicated. I think I would just let it be for now.

Gosh, today. Just the worst day for me. My first exam SOR. . . was alright I think I did quite well except I guess the last section but that's ok I got things done and everything should be fine. The problem is. . . English. I hate english so much I completely failed it. Everyone is like don't worry it is fine. But No. NO! No it is not fine because I didn't freaken finish the stupid stupid conclusion and I didn't end my last body paragraph properly. How the hell is that ok? Sorry =.= I am ranting a bit. I am just so pissed at myself. Why did I think I could use all my quotes I should have left one out I mean that way I hard time to finish conclusion and the body. AHHH. I am such an idiot.

Whatever what is done is done. I now got to get all my other exams out of the way must ace it to make up for this big fail of eng of mine. It also seems like I owe Ling something again cause I gonna fail my english exam. The question wasn't even that hard. (>.<) I hit myself on the head many times for what I did. Sigh~ Anyway, at least I got tomorrow to study ancient and the day after I need to study maths. Why life has to be controlled by study?

Whatever no time to waste must get a move on. Lets Study. . .

Rising Mood

Alright, I feel a bit better now. 

Between my dad and I seems a little awkward. 

We talked a bit but sort of different a bit.

I sort of tried to avoid all the talking anyway. 

So I have study and watched a few videos. 

I thought about Ling a lot. 

Sort of really missed him today and he is one of the people I wanted to hug today. 

Hehe, I like his hugs. 

Something about it really makes me happy. 

I sort of need it today but he has exams and I didn't seem him, so maybe tomorrow. 

I hugged my mum but it was like a rushed one cause my mum was busy. 

I didn't like cause I didn't exactly feel happy afterwards but I got a hug I guess. 

Anyway, I feel better. 

I am not high all crazy like the start of the week.

But overall, I am fine. 

Alright need to go back to my study. 

So blog another time ^.^ 

Nothingness

I feel empty. 

My happiness has all been washed away. 

There are still pieces left behind.

I really don't know what I feel right now. 

I sort of feel really unhappy and angry.

But then I am just like who cares just move on with it already. 

I sensing a lot of negativity in me. 

I want to tel myself off. 

Telling myself to:

 Stop being stupid. 

Stop acting like a child. 

Stop fussing over these things. 

Ling heard everything last night and in some way I wish he didn't hear it. 

Cause I feel like it was stupid of me to get angry over such trivial matters. 

I feel stupid for even crying over such stupid matters. 

I wonder why I did it. 

Why do I have to go cause trouble?

Why did he have to cause trouble?

Why did he insist on control every aspect of my life?

I need to break free. 

I need to be independent. 

I need to not little these little things bother me. 

Sigh~

I want to hug some people right now. 

But they are not around. 

Oh well, I would have to cheer myself up. 

Get to work and I will forget about everything.

I have to.

I won't let my dad ruin my mood or any part or my life. 

Once I am at age, I will make my own choices. 

He can't stop me, ever. 

Burst of Tears

I hate this control. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I felt like swearing and hitting the wall again but this time I was thinking and control all this fury. But cause of this it was all let out in tears and I couldn't control it.

To make things all clear I will go back to the start. Firstly, I would say I hate smoke and my dad smokes. I can't stop him, all I can do is get away from all the toxic fumes. Smokes travels upwards and inwards when he is standing outside but right infront of the screen door. The air moves in blowing the smoke inwards and it then travels upwards. I hate it, there is so much negative results of second-hand smoking and perhaps this could be a result of a personal reason I have.

Anyway, I closed my door to block out the smoke and my dad hates that for some reason. I hate not closing my door at night, a girl needs some privacy ok. He obviously doesn't understand that though I didn't explain to him then again would he listen. (Chain of thought there). So I argued with him, and well that leads back to the start.

I know this is small matter and why am I getting so worked up. Like I said before and in a previous post. I don't like to be control especially over these kind of matter. I don't like someone forbidding me to do something. If you have reasonable logic behind ok I will understand and consider and chances are listen to you. So far two things my dad has told me not to do and it isn't reasonable. AHHH~~~ I would swear but I can't. I wanted to say F*** but I paused and instead say far out. Couldn't bring myself to say but usually this shows how pissed I can get.

I know Ling heard the argument I had. I calmed my emotions before returning to my computer. As I put on my earphones, I heard Ling calling my name and replied not know that he heard me cry. After he respond he told me to stop crying and I had already stopped but surprised that he heard so much. After a few seconds talking to him, he cheered me up. We ended call for a brief while as he had something he had to do.

I guess, I feel better something still lingers behind me. I think that I overreacted with my dad and I shouldn't have raised my tempered. But I wasn't thinking about that then and he should be more reasonable. I have to end it here, my emotions are not exactly stable at the moment. Right now, I think I am fine.

Happy high has ended tonight. Wonder if I can pick it up tomorrow or not. Sigh~ We'll see. . .

Abnormalities. ^v^

Seriously, I think something is wrong with me though I guess it is in a good way if you think about it. These 2 days I have been really happy like over the top for now particular reason and I CAN"T GET FULL!!! Well that isn't entirely true cause I had pho with Rebecca today and desert from Meet Fresh and I was really full but considering what I ate today it is a lot and right now I can still eat. 

Ok so this is what I had:

Morning: Toast with Tuna and a Milk Tea (still slightly hungry after)

Lunch: Pack lunch from yesterday (wasn't hungry)

Afternoon Tea?? (more like dinner sort of) : Pho, Frozen coke, Supreme Mango Crushed Ice desert from Meet Fresh (quite full after)

Dinner after tut: 1 and a half bowl of rice with normal chinese food that was mostly meat. (STILL HUNGRY!!!)

Now that is a lot of food for one day. A lot and I can still eat right now. I didn't cause I thought nah don't eat you had to much not that it is a problem with me cause I can't seem to gain weight. But still. . .  

I don't understand who I can be eating and not be hungry not normal well for me at least. Maybe to some people that is normal who knows. Anyway, I was also weirdly happy this past 2 days though there was this one moment when I wasn't and that was during recess till half way of lunch. Reason for this I saw too many of my friends feeling depressed kind of like infectious. But after I was cheered up but a few other friends and after I sort of went into a childish state of mine (^.^). My friend at one point shook me and was like "what is wrong with you?" I said "I don't know" in a childish way and in my head I was like "alalalaallalalalal" 

. . .

Yeah, I was weird I admit it. But you know it is good. Eating a lot and being happy is the best feeling. I hope that my friends are eating a lot and being healthy and being happy cause that just make me feel even better.

So... be happy.. (not sure how to sing the song that is in my head :P) Oh well. . . 

Be Happy and Positive Everyone~~~

Smile across my face.

I am abnormally happy today. I not sure why and really I don't care why I am so happy cause it is a good thing that I am. Though I felt quite tired in bio and my mood sort of dropped for another reason. It is my friend again that I have been worrying about a lot lately.

I continued to observe her like I do every time I see her. I saw things things that worry me and after a while I got so worried my mood dropped but you know what I kept it up cause I can't be down. I need to be happy and positive and lighten her mood up. That was my job so I tried to entertain her as much as possible whenever I had a spare moment cause obviously Bio study is a priority for both us since we got our exams coming up soon.

You know, I really worry for her. At times I feel like she is forcing a smile and forcing herself to show a strong positive self when inside I know there is something wrong. I guess I might be wrong about this cause I have made a few mistakes in my assumptions. But I don't know. You know, I wish she talked to me cause I really want her to open up to me. In the past I worried for her to and took care of her and tried to make her feel comfortable and burden others when I couldn't. The things I did upset another friend and I felt that.

I ended up giving up cause I could't keep up with that attitude cause I wasn't getting anywhere with it. But as time progress I realised that I wasn't as far as I thought. She came to me when she needed help and that feeling when she opened up and talked to me about what was bothering her. I helped as much as I could and I felt so happy about it.

I enjoy helping my friends and I enjoy making them happy, seeing them smile. I want to be able to do that for my friend and I want to be able to be her confidant. Of course it is her choice if she wants me to and this time I shall patiently wait for her. I will show her all my love and care. I will make her happy when ever she needs and accompany her whenever she needs me. As I mention to before my goal is to make my friends happy cause when they are happy then I am (^.^).

Stay Happy everyone.

Hungry~

I don't know why but today I can't get full. It is so hard. For breakfast I had like toast with tuna and when I finished I was still hungry so I drank my cartoon of milk tea it sort of did the job but like I could still eat. Anyway, for lunch my mum pack me food which are the leftovers from last night and it was quite a big container. Normally what I had for lunch would fill me up but nope, after I ate I was still hungry.

I don't understand. I ignored it and moved on through the day, after school I was quite hungry but I had somethings I had to take care of with my mum so I couldn't eat till later. My mum brought my KFC snack-box. I know not very healthy but I was hungry so leave me alone (:P). Lol anyway, I was still hungry after that which seem to make sense in a way I guess.

2 hours later my parents hadn't called my for dinner yet and I was really hungry so I went downstairs myself and asked if we could eat. So I helped prepare the table and get everything rice and I had one whole bowl of rice which was kind of over filling cause I add a lot. I finished it feel satisfied but I looked at the food and I still wanted to eat but I decided don't overeat cause it won't be good for my digestion and so forth so I stopped. I packed my lunch for tomorrow and decided to blog about how hungry I am and you know what thinking about all the food right now I think I am getting hungry again. Honestly I am now so tempted of going downstairs and filling up half a bowl of rice and continue eating.

. . .

AHHH~~~ I am hungry again, how is this possible???  (>v<)

Lonely

I feel so lonely now. I don't know what cause it but I look around my room and I see emptiness. The only things I notice is the things that remind me of the special people in my life.

- The teddy bear that Ling gave me for my B'day,
- The soap rose that Rebecca gave me on valentine's day.
- The wilted real rose that Ling gave me on valentine's day.
- A jar of stars with a note inside that A.Z gave me on for my B'day 2 years ago. (The stars I made was from paper that S.Z gave me for my B'day)
- A smaller jar with dried lavender petals also given by A.Z
- 2 bottles of perfume, One given by Ling on my B'day and the other given by a friend in year 9 for my B'day.
- A bunch pf photos a stuck on my desk which has all my friends in it.
- and there is this pile of work that I haven't done yet.

Sigh~ I missed my friends and Ling even though I saw them two days ago, I miss them. Though there is like three other people that I miss cause I have seen them in a long time nor have contacted them that often. I think they would know who they are when they read this.

Feeling so lonely, but staring at my memores make me smile and tear up at the same time. I miss those good, old, carefree days. >.<

Cute Cartoon

My friend sent me a really cute cartoon strip that she made it include herself, Ling and I. It is very and I really really like it. In fact I love it. It is so cute and funny. Made my day. ^.^

Isn't it Cute? I love it. Feel so much love ^.^ Thank You So Much :)

Another Special Day.

I know, Ling doesn't remember this. I don't want to tell him cause I don't think he would find it important or that relevant but that's ok I just like to remember this things cause it is significant to for me. People can think and judge how stupid it is to remember something so small but to me it is important.

So what is today that is important?
1 year ago from today, I met Ling for the very first time. I have spoken to him before but never seen him. First impression was that his voice didn't match his appearance though now I grown to it and I don't think that anymore.

I remember seeing him across the road where D.H, Y.L and I was crossing over to him. We talked about him along the way and I don't really remember what about. He was so polite as he greeted us by shaking our hand. There isn't a lot of people out there who would shake your hand as you greet each other. He seemed quiet nice and like to tease people a bit though now I don't think it is a bit but quite a lot.

It has been a year and soon my 1st year anniversary would approach. What would we do? What would happen? No one knows, only time would tell. I am honestly happy that did meet Ling on this day a year ago and I am glad we talked every day after that till we realised there is something else there.

I feel very happy and I guess in someway I should thank D.H. I feel like flying but I am a little tired

Oh well. I hope everyone can feel happy as well. Night people.

Love, Happiness, Worry Sadness

4 feelings, I have experienced today.

I spent a while with Ling today and I was quite happy that I was able to. I was also happy to be with my friends and take pictures while our school photos and all that lots of fun. I also with Rebecca had made a poem together though I sort of feel we both kind of aimed it at different people even though I think I tired to not be specific on a person.

I named it Worry??? though the poem is a little weird and sweet I guess. I like it though cause it was a combine work with Rebecca. See:

Why do you do this to me? 

Can’t you let it be?

my thought are filled of you 

My feelings for you are true. 

All I want is for you to be happy. . .

I’ll give you anything you want including a puppy. 

Everything I do, reminds me of you. 

You are always in my dreams, too. 

Please don’t misplace my care. 

Not sure if we have written more since I don't have the hard copy of it with me at the moment. I was extremely worried today. I was worried for Ling's wrist hoping that he is fine. I worried for a friend who has come to school in 2 days now and missed out on our last school photo together. I worry for my friend about the thing she told me. I have another worry for Rebecca cause I know how much she misses our friend and how much she wants our friend to be well and just to see her. I could feel it and I could hear it. I was touched by her motivation and persistent in trying to keep in contact with her even though she doesn't seem to respond. I am sure she feels it and I wish that somehow she can contact Rebecca and put her out fo the pain of waiting and hoping that our friend is safe. I know but I can't say. I wished I lie and said I don't know anything cause it now puts me in and awkward position and people ask me. But on the other hand I really want to tell Rebecca. I want to tell her everything but I am allowed to can, wouldn't it just make me really untrustworthy and she did trust me with this information. 

I felt sadden by my worries and to the point that I felt like crying. I wanted to cry for being so useless and not being able to help the people I care for the most. I know I can't help but I want to and I just feel so helpless? (wish I had a better word). You know, I think that one of my friends did cry today cause I saw my other friend grab her tissues and walk back to her. I didn't follow cause I felt that she wouldn't want that attention so I just let my other friend take care of her for the moment. I really did wish I was able to comfort her but I felt that I wouldn't have helped much if I went over. Though I am assuming this cause I didn't actually see her cry.

Sigh just so many things happen both good and bad all in one day.

Right now, I feel happy that I have a wonderful BF that makes me smile though can be irritating especially when he took my phone again. However, overall he is someone I love so much and I care about so much. That is why I worry for him and that is why I can stay up all night to accompany him no matter how tired I am. I say this cause recently I sleep late just for the sake I can keep him company on our skype call.

I feel happy that I have wonderful friends around that cares for me as much as I care for them. I so happy that I know a friend that would be so persistent in trying to help our other friend and so persistent in trying to keep in contact with her. It really show how she is such a good friend and anyone ever meet her and become friends with her will all agree. She is the most beautiful and wonderfulest girl in the world.

Though some part of me show so much worry for both Ling and one of my friends. That part could just make me cry right here, right now but like I have been doing the entire day I would hold onto my emotions and not let it fall. But this worry is sort of a good thing cause this is how you know I really care and love them. So don't worry about me worrying that is my why of showing affection. Though if you worry about my worry it probably means you care and love me too I will be grateful. So be worried for me, MWAHAHAHA~~~ Jokes. Don't worry only I can. ^.^ 

Blogging

You know I feel like blogging is a waste of time. 

I feel like there is no point for blogging anymore. 

I blog cause it is sort of like my diary where I can express my feelings 

which I can't say it in front of people. 

I also like the fact that I blog so I can express myself to my friends 

though recently I feel like it is no use. . . 

I think I stop my thoughts right here I know 

what I am thinking after this would not be good 

and I don't want my friends to know if they do read this =.=

I might just stop blogging all together. 

An Additional Worry

Yesterday, I posted about how I was worried about my friends and all that. Well today, I got one more person that I am worried about and that is Ling.

You see, he told me last night he twisted his wrist by falling of his bike yesterday which began my worry but I thought don't worry it is a spain to should be better in a couple of days. But today, I found out that he went to the hospital to get it check if he fractured or broken his wrist. Now that worried me.

I really hope he wrist is ok and gets better soon. He is should rest his wrist and not move it but he insist that he needs to for his study as he has his exams. I understand that need for it but how can you do an exam when your writing arm is injured. You won't get the marks that you would deserve cause you won't be able to use the wrist as agilely as it is suppose to unless you can resist the pain but even then you are just going to worsen the injury which may lead it to being crippled.

Study is important but your healthy and body is so much more important. I don't want to see him get hurt or feel the pain and I definitely want him to take care of his hand so that the injury won't worsen and even if the x-rays show that it isn't broken or fracture you should still reduce the movement of the wrist so that it can heal better and return to its normal state. If you don't properly take care of the wrist, it could end up crippled or create some kind of pain in the future.

I know for sure that this could happen as my mum has once injured her wrist a while back it wasn't broken or anything but quite a bad sprain. I know for her age the healing process isn't like younger. My mum wrist has been weakened as she can't use as agilely as before. This is probably not a very good example considering her age and how the body has slower its healing rate, but still.

I really worry for him. I don't want him to over work that wrist. I really can't do anything to stop him but still. . . Sigh~

I hope everything is fine and I hope that his wrist will heal and be back to normal. >.<

Worry for a Friend

Ok, despite what my title says I have worries for more than just one friend. But thats ok. You know most of my worries are just very minor and I would not express it normally cause in fact if you are friend then it would be the common thing to worry for them. However, I had to post this because I have a certain worry for one of my friends.

I can't say who I can't really say the real reason cause I know that this information is very personal to her. But, I would say when I glance at her during class I see different girl. I know the reason for it and it still worries me. I hope she is fine. I hope she knows that I am there for her. I don't tell her which I should if I could get the chance but whenever I can or notice downfall in her mood I would immediately try and cheer her up and get her to forget.

I did that today for her. I was in class and another friend of mine noticed something different like I did, so when we got a moment of rest I jumped up and hugged her from behind and trying to be stupid and go hyper to make her smile.

I just realised that I forgot all about my tiredness during that time cause I was too concerned for her. Hehehe. Sigh~ I hope my friend would be ok. I won't be able to see her as often as I usually would and I don't know what the future holds for our friendship cause to be honest I feel that after high school the connection I have with her would be cut off. I had barely able to contact her during the past week and when I finally saw her I was excited and worried all at the same time. I really hope that over the next few months I would find a good way to keep in contact with her for future years. All my friends are important to me and I want to be able to keep in contact with them for the rest of my life.

If you know me, you would know I love to worry (well not love but tend to). I worry that my friends aren't happy. I worry that my friends are sad. I worry that my friends are not feeling well. I worry that my friends hate me. I worry that my friends would get angry at me. I worry. I worry. What I want is for my friends to be happy and healthy and safe.

You know for me. If I am able to cheer up my friends and make them happy, support them and listening to their problems and help them overcome difficult times then I believe I am a good friend. Because to me being a good friend means being there for the person whenever you can and I will always aim for that and I would never ask for the friend to do the same cause it is kind of a given (:P). No jokes. I don't mind if I don't get the same treatment as I give out to my friends cause overtime I know who I really care about and I would do as much as I can to help. Of course if one day, they purposely do something that seriously harms me emotionally of physically then I would reconsider being a good friend.

To sum up, my goal is to be the best friend to the friends I care a lot about, I won't ever expect the same treatment that I give out cause they have there own way or that my way to them is stupid or not good enough who knows. :) I hope I can express to all my friends the love and care I have for them and let them understand that I would do whatever it takes to keep them smiling. I don't know what I would do without them.

A secret message to my beloved friends:

Thank you for allowing me to be your friend. 

I am so grateful to have such a wonderful group of friends that made my life so enjoyable. 

I can't wait for more joyous days we can spend together. 

I hope that I could continue to treat you guys well and be there for you until the end of the world. 

I am crying as I type this cause all this is from the bottom of my heart. 

Cause I care for you guys more than you would know. 

Hope you guys will always be happy. 

When you are happy then I would be to cause it means I did my job as a friend. 

(^.^)

Don't Make Me Drink It~~~

Today I went to a chinese herbal doctor for some personal reason 

and I wanted to go but then again I didn't. 

My mum still took me to this girl doctor 

and she asked me all these personal questions. 

As I answered I kept fidgeting feeling sort of uncomfortable in that situation. 

Once she finished asking, she said that I should take some of these herbal medicine tea 

that would help which I knew would happen. 

I wonder if anyone has tried chinese medicine tea things. 

They smell horrible and I can smell it right now 

and not just that but the taste would definitely be bitter and I hate bitter things. 

AHHH~~~ 

I don't want to drink it. 

I don' t. 

I don't. 

I don't.

Someone please drink it for me so I don't have to. 

Freaking out about drinking it. >.<

Dreaming

I had an interesting dream last night I can't remember most of it and I think their were some weird parts but not to sure. 

There was one specific part I do remember though and I seem to be in a tutoring class and I remember Rebecca being there and one other friend which I can't recall right now. G was in the tutoring class as well don't know why I don't think we have any similar subjects. Anyway I told Rebecca about it and she urged me to go up and talk to him or more like kind of gathered us together to talk. Not sure why she wanted to get us to talk but oh well.

We left into this smaller room that empty and there was no class going on around the room either. He started writing on the chalkboard and wrote some sweet things which I don't remember exactly nearly our whole conversation was through the chalkboard. . But I do remember something like he hasn't forgotten me and how he still really likes me. At the end, he wrote "do you want to go out?" I was surprised but quite certain how I felt and grabbed the chalk and wrote I can't go out with you. He wrote why and I replied cause I am already dating someone who I really love. He accepted the answer and as we left the room back to where I tutoring was he said to me that he won't give up and that he would fight for me so if something was to happen between the other guy remember him. 

I remember in the dream that he had a GF but my dream later indicated that he had broken up with him. I remember think that he was such a playboy and I shouldn't trust him. There was more to the dream but I can't remember any of it, other than being with Rebecca and my other friend. I don't know why this dream came up so weird. 

Hehe at least I didn't dream cheat (:P). I don't know. Wonder what Ling would think if he read this for some reason I don't think he would be really bother about this. Oh well, it was just a dream not like anything of this sort would ever really happen to me. 

Alright back to my studies 

Control!?!?!?

I hate being controlled at home. I hate being told you can't do this or you can't do that. I mean I live my life. I want to be able to make my won decision and not get pushed around especially at home. I know when I am out side with other people, I let it go and just go with the flow cause mainly I want to be able to make the people around me happy.

However, when I am home I don't feel that way. You tell me not to do something the more I want to do it. Ok this is not always the case cause if you ask me something reasonable like do the laundry or like put this away for me. Those kind of instructions I can take and obey like a good daughter should. But if you told me not to go to sleep until this certain time or not to do something at this time. Then it would irritate me especially when I have my specific routine.

I say this cause my dad was like to me "You can't shower until I am asleep during the weekends or if I do shower it has to be when I am not home" To me, that is controlling my life and I hate that. I know his reason is to spend more time with him and honestly this is going to be mean and I know it but I can't stand being around him for too long. He becomes really irritating for a long period of time. Anyway I got really anger by the fact that he wants to control every litte aspect of my life. I am not able to do what I want when I want. Might as well just give me a whole timetable or what to do at what time of the day. Seriously, it is just so stupid.

But yeah, I was so pissed and at that time I was on the stairs. I lost all rational thinking and when I get that angry I tend to want to punch something or squeeze something. There wasn't anything around me to squeeze nor anything soft to punch.

Don't kill me when I post this my friends. But I punch the stairs really hard and not just once but twice in two different angles. I also was hold a firm fist that my fingernail where slightly digging into me of course it didn't cut into me at all. I did feel a sharp pain on my knuckles and on the side my hand but that sort of made me cool down.

I later went into the garden still haven't cool down yet and very tempted in hitting the brick wall but by then I was able to think a bit and knowing that if I hit hard I could possible break my hand or at least injury it quite badly. But I did very lightly punch the wall which didn't hurt except that I was using the hand that I used to hit the stairs before therefore I felt a little sting from the pain before. I stopped myself after a few seconds and just leaned my head against the wall, closed my eyes and breath in the cold air.

Once I cooled off I returned inside and back upstairs continued my study till my dad is asleep. I am still a obedient girl cause I listened even though I am so against this. I might return back to normal next week but that all depends on how much I want to rebel against him or if my fear of the consequence would stop me from taking control of my life.

Sigh~ I don't know. But that just damped my mood once again. Don't worry I have my method of getting back up. I am quite sure this won't last very long cause I feel that my depression week is almost at its end.

To my friends, don't worry about the punch and all that it may have hurt at first but trust me it is fine now. I can't feel any pain at all. I am fine. I am just making sure, they understand this so they won't worry about me (^.^).

Shanghainese

You know I really loving being shanghainese and I loved the food we eat though apparently most shanghainese food add sugar in their food but my mum stop since my dad got diabetes. Therefore I never got use to the taste of sugar in savoury food.

So my parents had brought home a box of braised beef/pork (not sure if this is the appropriate english translation of the food and also not sure what type of meet it was). I had a taste today and it was quite sweet and different from the way my mum makes it. To me it was unusually cause I like my dinner to not be sweet so I didn't find the food that nice but I love eating braised stuff (still hoping I am using the correct term).

Hehe, I miss Shanghai. I do miss my grandpa who by the way is much better now and at home in shanghai, safely. I miss my uncles and aunts and cousins and all my other relatives. I hope the wait for me to finish High School so I can once again go and visit them. (^.^)

Wo Ai Ni Men 我爱你们 (to my lovely relatives on in Shanghai)

Little Sister/Big sister event

I wanted to post this yesterday but I was quite tired and wasn't bother doing anything. So yesterday, we had this Mass for school and when I mean Mass (for people who don't know) it is going to church to partake in a celebration along with the Eucharist. It was a complusory event and therefore I cancelled my maths tutor to attend.

Anyway, after school I had a hour to spare before this Mass started but the teachers roam the places around the school as we were not allowed to go out to eat. Everyone was pissed about it as they wanted to go out and eat before the Mass started. 

I should also say that this Mass was this Big Sister/ Little Sister event that we had to partake as we are welcoming the Year 7 into the school community. We also later had to meet their parents and all this random things we had to do. It was not much fun, in fact it was no fun at all but we did get free food that was prepared by the younger years so that was ok.

I have actually forgotten the reason I wanted to post this day but I do know I wanted to. Along with this I also wanted to mention that I have been feeling a little bit happier each day since Thursday morning but something has anger me tonight which I shall post about later. 

Anyway, feel like this is another random blog so I shall just end it here. (^.^)