Will It Last?

The title to me sort of sounds like I would be talking more about Ling and I and couple stuff but this time it isn't. This time I feel like pouring out feelings I have about friendships and it feels like I haven't done that in awhile. In fact I don't think I have truly even thought about it as much as I have. I miss the past when I will go and talk to my friends about personal things and go into what each other things and all that. I miss doing that with a few of my closest friends but now we all seem to be caught up in our own world and problems.

In the future, that is going to be more so and I know it in my heart but I hate to admit it. If you think about it, would we really be able to maintain a friendship from high school into Uni and into our lives after. I know a few friends don't think it can happen and very few believe that you can make it last. I want to believe you can make it last but making it last doesn't involve one persons effort but the other party too.

I know I will definitely aim to keep in contact with a couple of my friends cause they are the most important and special people I have met in my lifetime. They are the people I wanna keep the friendship and make it last till the end of time. But part of me tells me I can only do it until at least the 2nd year of Uni. I am scared to lose so many good friends cause I feel like once I lose them I would never have friends like them again. I feel like I would be left alone in the world with no friends at all. Hmmm. . . I don't know, I was never good at making friends and I find it hard as well.

Another thing I feel like I want to mention is about something I heard from beautiful. I know I shouldn't judge and I feel like I shouldn't feel this way cause I should know better. But even so, I feel a little disheartened. I feel a little distant from my beloved onee-san. Maybe it is just not being able to talk to her for a long time or maybe I just feel she is changing a bit. I remember (hoping I didn't remember incorrectly) that she had said she adapts to the people around her. It is a good skill to have to adapt to the people around you and make new friends and all. But not everyone can belong everywhere there is always some place that makes are feel more comfortable and more like ourselves. To me I feel that maybe onee-san found a place that she has a better connection with or maybe now she is experienced more and has a different outlook on things. I don't know. I am confused really and unsure of what is happening with her and the world around her. I am saddened by the fact that I can't be able to be near her or be able to contact her as much as before. I know HSC is near and I don't have time for that but I am still saddened by it.

I will always love onee-san and I want to be the friend that allows herself to show her true self and let her be able to be herself. But if she is happier or feels that she can be her yourself with other people then I would be happy for her and support her. From what I know, onee-san has always been the one trying hard to keep a friendship she cherishes and will always aim to keep in contact. Sometimes it is hard and I understand that too.

I am sorry if whatever I say might not be right or I might just be thinking too much or whatever. But it feels like onee-san has gotten a lot close to her new friends and possible to the point that she won't need her old school friends. She has found so many new friends and people more experienced and able to give her more help than I ever could. I know what I say might be wrong but it was I feel, it even might just be me being jealous of that fact that her other friends are more close to her than I am. Yes I am jealous. I am jealous that her new friends can spend nearly every single day with her. I am jealous that they are able to graduate with her. I am sorry but I am just jealous.

Onee-san, I love you very much and care about you. No matter what choices you make and what person you be I would support you and be happy for you. Even if the path you choose is the opposite direction I might be going just remember I still support you. If it so happens that we go down different paths then I really do wish that you are happy. I am sorry if whatever I say is me having mistaken what I have heard and seen but it is just my current opinion and thoughts. From now until HSC there is probably now way of contacting you but I have to be honest with you, I feel that you have changed. Not sure how exactly but it feels that way.

Sigh. I really wonder how long can a friendship last? Is it to a point where a certain friendship would just crumple and fail? Is it really true that friends come and go but only family will last forever? If so, doesn't it mean I am stuck in a family filled with separation forever? The thought of that sort of hurts so I think I just end it there, too much for one night.