I don't know why but I am not feel so happy today. In fact I feel really burden and nervous. It sort of feels like someone is squeezing at your heart and trying to pull it out through your throat (sort of gruesome). It doesn't hurt but it feels uncomfortable and making me feel nauseas. Maybe it is something physically wrong with me or maybe there is just to much going on around me making me feel uncomfortable.
I feel like I disappointed Ling or made him upset cause I didn't agree to go out or wasn't very convincing to my mum to let me out. Honestly, I didn't really wanna go out anyway I felt nervous and tense when I knew he wanted me to go out cause I didn't know how to say I don't wanna cause I worry in making him sad. I am glad I didn't go but I feel more nervous and tense cause I feel that I made him not happy. But then again my mind tells me right now to not think about that and think for myself for once and that sort of helps.
Another thing is that my mum even though she is trying not to pressure me in doing well she is subconsciously or consciously still pressuring me. Every time she comes around she tells me I need to do 3 hrs of maths a day at least. Or she comes in with food and be like here have this and work hard. Or in the morning she tells me you shouldn't sleep too much you must wake up early to study. She might not think she is adding more pressure on me but it is. In fact, I realised that I have been tired a lot more recently and maybe it is all this feelings making me really wanna escape reality.
I have another problem and one many of my friends wouldn't be very happy about. I think. . . I think I have been eating less recently or maybe it is starting from today. I don't know but I am not as hungry as I usually am at this time. I don't know why but usually when I am not feeling happy, I tend not to eat as much. I looking through the mirror and just see how skinny I am. I honestly a skeleton, no flesh whatsoever. It is just skin and bones. This is really not healthy for me.
I thought about exercising today and I know many would think are you crazy exercising when you are so thing. Well though I am thin, I am not healthy so maybe gaining so muscle would be good. I wanted to but then My mum who keeps telling go study more and so far. I just felt like staying in my room and not going out. That is basically what I did.
My dad then at dinner gave me a lecture on how if I can't concentrate I should come down and run for 10 mins and all that. I am not saying he is wrong and in fact I agree that I should but I don't wanna hear the lecture about it. I know already and today I am just not in the mood anymore. He also doesn't understand me. He thinks how mentally weak I am, he thinks that when I run I stop once I get tired. I know for one that I don't do that I have ran beyond that point especially when I am in the mood (cause I found a motivation to)
Ahhh~~~ I am just not in the right mind frame. I have mentally exhausted myself with all this negativity and I really wanna sleep again to escape life. But I can't I need to study and exercise and just not sleep until I can. . .
Gosh I don't know anymore. I really just. . . Whatever. I am gonna go listen to that song that makes me smile and continue on with some work I guess. . . =.=
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