So today was a busy day cause Ling, my sister and her BF, IK, came over to help my mum move some furniture so we are able to buy a new sofa. Everything was going great, they boys moved things while my sister and sat back and watched. My mum trying to help as much as possible but with her injury and her age it was not a lot she could do.
After we had lunch and conversed with each other and it was fun. We had Yumcha and everyone seem to have fun. A little problem occurred when Ling wanted me to come home with him for dinner to eat steak but then my mum said my dad wanted to eat hot pot and it is lonely for them if it was just the two of them. I didn't want to be caught up in this situation so early after our little quarrel before but Ling was being a good person and said I should have dinner with my mum knowing my struggle.
This isn't what is bothering me though. Today, I was being the best person I can hoping Ling was mad anymore and I could get him to be like himself before. But you know after lunch, we sent my mum home and we left for Ling's house for about a couple of hours. We slept for most of the time but the whole time I was with him. . . Something was different between us. Maybe it was what happened to nights ago or maybe it is just me but. . .
I don't know, imagine if you have a love gauge for ur relationship and there is a line for each stage of how your relationship is progressing. Well if you imagine that love gauge and it was pretty high and everything is going great but then. . . something happened between you and him. It could be a fight, or just something else that was different from before and you feel this distance a bit. You look back at the love gauge and it seems as thought it dropped down quite a bit. . .
I don't know if I am making sense or not but I just get the feeling or love isn't as strong as before and I am a little worried. I don't want anything to change between us at least not for the worst. I want to be able to be like before or lovey dovey. . . not that we weren't today but it was different less closeness and intimate. . . Mentally I guess. . .
Sigh. . . Maybe I am thinking too much.
Sunday, 26 June 2016
Saturday, 25 June 2016
Can't Breathe
I'm struggling. So much pain. So much. . .
Today I've been waiting. Every buzz my hearts starts pounding out of my chest but I end in disappoint and sadness. As the day progress I find it hard and hard to breathe and I could feel my heart tighten like someone is tugging it. This feeling is very uncomfortable. As night comes closer my hearts get tight my breath gets short and I can feel me losing myself again.
Don't wanna feel this anymore. I wanna cry but been holding it back all day. I been faking a smile all day but it just makes my heart and my mind feel worst. I wanna let it out but I can't I'm suffocating so much. I don't want people to get a bad on the person I love but. I need relief and blogging is where I release all my emotions and anxieties. can't keep them in cause I feel like they are eating me alive.
I actually didn't get in much sleep last night and being anxious all day so I am exhausted and honestly I wanna be able to get some sleep cause that way I might have sweet dreams then spend time in realities torture. Sigh. . . I'm just gonna try finish up my game tonight and just sleep tomorrow would sort out itself. . . Good or Bad, I'm just have to fast it. . .
Today I've been waiting. Every buzz my hearts starts pounding out of my chest but I end in disappoint and sadness. As the day progress I find it hard and hard to breathe and I could feel my heart tighten like someone is tugging it. This feeling is very uncomfortable. As night comes closer my hearts get tight my breath gets short and I can feel me losing myself again.
Don't wanna feel this anymore. I wanna cry but been holding it back all day. I been faking a smile all day but it just makes my heart and my mind feel worst. I wanna let it out but I can't I'm suffocating so much. I don't want people to get a bad on the person I love but. I need relief and blogging is where I release all my emotions and anxieties. can't keep them in cause I feel like they are eating me alive.
I actually didn't get in much sleep last night and being anxious all day so I am exhausted and honestly I wanna be able to get some sleep cause that way I might have sweet dreams then spend time in realities torture. Sigh. . . I'm just gonna try finish up my game tonight and just sleep tomorrow would sort out itself. . . Good or Bad, I'm just have to fast it. . .
U can fool the world but not urself
Faking a smike is hard. Especiallywhen u r working and u have to interact with customers and workers. U need to force a smile hide ur emotions and dont let anyone know (reminds me frozen now). Anyway it is so hard. My eyes are still sore. All i wanna do is sleep. Im not hungry or very energetic. I'm a little dazed and cant concentrate. When i think of yesterday my heart cringe as if i was opening up the old wound.
Why do forcing a smile seem so hard it just uses a couple face muscle. . . But im it is tiring it hasnt even been half a day and im already exhausted... back to work i guess
Why do forcing a smile seem so hard it just uses a couple face muscle. . . But im it is tiring it hasnt even been half a day and im already exhausted... back to work i guess
Choose both and lose all or choose one
Never felt so much pain in my life and haven't cried this much in quite a long time. Never thought the one that always made me laugh could bring so much pain out. Never thought the person who should understand me the most seem to not understand me at all at the same time. I love him so much that thought of losing him sends me in a spiral of sadness that I feel that I could never come up from.
I don't understand. what is really my fault this time. . . maybe. There is a lot of things that I should have done that could make the whole situation better but at the same time I wish people could just understand me. Understand how I feel but then again my sister never seemed to care about the rules at home why should I.
I think I am fear my dad or is it I just don't wanna bring conflict to the house. I'm so confused. Honestly I feel like eloping to somewhere no one knows me and right now even death itself doesn't scare me like it usually would. I fallen so far deep I cant really feel anything but that not entirely true the moment I think of what cause this spiral of sadness I just spin further and further down the tunnel while tears just comes out like no end.
I'm tired but I cant sleep so much on my mind. I don't wanna have to deal with this but I know who I want to choose then what is stopping me.
AHHHH~~~~ I can't do this I can't. the pain the thoughts everything its too much. I can feel it. Depression it is slowly creeping back into my life, at least it is trying to. I'm going down that track again soon, the track of self harm. Not yet, but if things worsen well. . . I can't guarantee that I fall down a deeper depression then I ever have.
I can't do this. I just can't think right now. . . I tried so hard to avoid it but what happens happen. Sigh... Sorry about this random thought. I need to get things off my mind right now. My mind such a mess so if u read this it is probably a mess to. so if u don't understand then it is ok cause never do I. I just typed whatever was on my mind.
Need to get some sleep right now. . .
I don't understand. what is really my fault this time. . . maybe. There is a lot of things that I should have done that could make the whole situation better but at the same time I wish people could just understand me. Understand how I feel but then again my sister never seemed to care about the rules at home why should I.
I think I am fear my dad or is it I just don't wanna bring conflict to the house. I'm so confused. Honestly I feel like eloping to somewhere no one knows me and right now even death itself doesn't scare me like it usually would. I fallen so far deep I cant really feel anything but that not entirely true the moment I think of what cause this spiral of sadness I just spin further and further down the tunnel while tears just comes out like no end.
I'm tired but I cant sleep so much on my mind. I don't wanna have to deal with this but I know who I want to choose then what is stopping me.
AHHHH~~~~ I can't do this I can't. the pain the thoughts everything its too much. I can feel it. Depression it is slowly creeping back into my life, at least it is trying to. I'm going down that track again soon, the track of self harm. Not yet, but if things worsen well. . . I can't guarantee that I fall down a deeper depression then I ever have.
I can't do this. I just can't think right now. . . I tried so hard to avoid it but what happens happen. Sigh... Sorry about this random thought. I need to get things off my mind right now. My mind such a mess so if u read this it is probably a mess to. so if u don't understand then it is ok cause never do I. I just typed whatever was on my mind.
Need to get some sleep right now. . .
Wednesday, 22 June 2016
Inequality
I know I just made a post about how boys are more privileged but I just so happened to read a friends blog about wage gap between women and men which links to my thoughts exactly on how boys are more advantaged then girls. I could go on about how there are so much the boys are given privileged to that girls are not.
I agree that this society has so much thing that needs to be improved and yet it is not. If you look at society you know that if you are a white, wealthy male that you are basically given a golden spoon in life unlike the rest of the world. Someone like me who is an Asian female (I know I am luckier then most) I probs get a plastic spoon or maybe a wooden one.
But you know what this world is unfair. Why must girls have to deal with lower pay, and be stereotyped to be a housewife? Why must Indigenous Australian be treated with even worst pay then White Australians or treated differently when the walk in the streets? Why must everyone believe that boys are better, white race is better?
You know you are brought in school to be equal and treat everyone equal. But in society it is like a big smack in the face cause nothing you are taught is actually used. If everyone was equal why wouldn't have issues of wage gaps, or racist issues or poverty issues.
Sigh this society is just so messed up. You know If I could choose who I wanna be born as. I wanna be born as a White Australian Male because who doesn't wanna be born with a golden spoon.
I agree that this society has so much thing that needs to be improved and yet it is not. If you look at society you know that if you are a white, wealthy male that you are basically given a golden spoon in life unlike the rest of the world. Someone like me who is an Asian female (I know I am luckier then most) I probs get a plastic spoon or maybe a wooden one.
But you know what this world is unfair. Why must girls have to deal with lower pay, and be stereotyped to be a housewife? Why must Indigenous Australian be treated with even worst pay then White Australians or treated differently when the walk in the streets? Why must everyone believe that boys are better, white race is better?
You know you are brought in school to be equal and treat everyone equal. But in society it is like a big smack in the face cause nothing you are taught is actually used. If everyone was equal why wouldn't have issues of wage gaps, or racist issues or poverty issues.
Sigh this society is just so messed up. You know If I could choose who I wanna be born as. I wanna be born as a White Australian Male because who doesn't wanna be born with a golden spoon.
If I was born a. . .
Do you ever think about how different life would be in you were born a boy instead of a girl or born a girl instead of a boy?
In this world, in this society, according to my dad (who I must say seems to still live in the past) thinks that boys would always be more favoured or lenient against somethings that women would not get away with. According to him, girls need to know how to care for the house, clean, cook do every household chore. Meanwhile, men like him how work can come home and just lounge on the couch and do nothing. All he does is complain, things he can do I cant do. It is just that he is such a big hypocrite.
He says you treat this house as a hotel and you don't do anything in the house. Yeah well ur the one to talk. Like you clean the house, take out the rubbish or do ANY of the household chores just cause you earn all the money doesn't mean you have control of everyone and everything around you.
You know what this house it nothing to me. Nothing because a house where you live gives you shelter, warmth, love and safety. Like I always say before what this house brings to me is emptiness, horror, fear and sadness. Who in the right mind wants a house like that. If you want me to leave just say the word. I will go. I leave without looking back and don't ever regret your decision.
I HATE how boys get the advantage over some many things at home. They can get away with a mess room, or coming home late or having girlfriends. I know if I was a boy he would not tell me off for coming home late or getting a girlfriend or having a mess room. I would get away with anything at home. I just know it.
This is just at my home though. I know in real society so many get treated worse depending on the situation. For example, rape, everyone thinks that guys are all ways the ones that rape someone but there are maybe not a lot but there are girls rapist in the world. and from what I heard sometimes girls and get away in society with a few tears while a guy are usually believe to have bullied the girl or done something and instead they are the one at fault when in fact the girl in tears made a mistake.
The world is just unfair. No matter how you look at it, there is always gonna be cases where boys have more of an advantage of girls and few times that girls would have advantages over boys. Similar to any other issues such as racist, white people tend to always be treated better than any other. Not saying it is always like that but majority of the time boys over girls and white race over any other.
Is it fair? No. Can we change it? Maybe. But the time we are living now, unfairness and unequal rights are everywhere you look. Deny it if you want but face the facts. This is our life and our children in the future would be brought into a world like this. I wanna make a change. I will teach my children that this is not acceptable. Boys and girls are equal they are able to do anything and everything that wanna and no one can say otherwise. I will teach them that the colour of skin doesn't determine how you are because what matter is ur heart, ur mind, ur personalities that matters and you shouldn't be treat differently because of your appearance.
I am becoming a teacher and I would hopefully teach my students about this, hoping that there family don't imprint an old fashion mind set like my parents. I hope the world would change. This right now, even though it is better than the past the traces of unjust acts are still present.
Lets all change that. We need to make a stand for it.
In this world, in this society, according to my dad (who I must say seems to still live in the past) thinks that boys would always be more favoured or lenient against somethings that women would not get away with. According to him, girls need to know how to care for the house, clean, cook do every household chore. Meanwhile, men like him how work can come home and just lounge on the couch and do nothing. All he does is complain, things he can do I cant do. It is just that he is such a big hypocrite.
He says you treat this house as a hotel and you don't do anything in the house. Yeah well ur the one to talk. Like you clean the house, take out the rubbish or do ANY of the household chores just cause you earn all the money doesn't mean you have control of everyone and everything around you.
You know what this house it nothing to me. Nothing because a house where you live gives you shelter, warmth, love and safety. Like I always say before what this house brings to me is emptiness, horror, fear and sadness. Who in the right mind wants a house like that. If you want me to leave just say the word. I will go. I leave without looking back and don't ever regret your decision.
I HATE how boys get the advantage over some many things at home. They can get away with a mess room, or coming home late or having girlfriends. I know if I was a boy he would not tell me off for coming home late or getting a girlfriend or having a mess room. I would get away with anything at home. I just know it.
This is just at my home though. I know in real society so many get treated worse depending on the situation. For example, rape, everyone thinks that guys are all ways the ones that rape someone but there are maybe not a lot but there are girls rapist in the world. and from what I heard sometimes girls and get away in society with a few tears while a guy are usually believe to have bullied the girl or done something and instead they are the one at fault when in fact the girl in tears made a mistake.
The world is just unfair. No matter how you look at it, there is always gonna be cases where boys have more of an advantage of girls and few times that girls would have advantages over boys. Similar to any other issues such as racist, white people tend to always be treated better than any other. Not saying it is always like that but majority of the time boys over girls and white race over any other.
Is it fair? No. Can we change it? Maybe. But the time we are living now, unfairness and unequal rights are everywhere you look. Deny it if you want but face the facts. This is our life and our children in the future would be brought into a world like this. I wanna make a change. I will teach my children that this is not acceptable. Boys and girls are equal they are able to do anything and everything that wanna and no one can say otherwise. I will teach them that the colour of skin doesn't determine how you are because what matter is ur heart, ur mind, ur personalities that matters and you shouldn't be treat differently because of your appearance.
I am becoming a teacher and I would hopefully teach my students about this, hoping that there family don't imprint an old fashion mind set like my parents. I hope the world would change. This right now, even though it is better than the past the traces of unjust acts are still present.
Lets all change that. We need to make a stand for it.
Monday, 20 June 2016
Choose one and lose the other.
I can only make one side happy. If u choose family i lose love if i chose love i lose family. But if i look at it if i chose my love i get a new family and likely better than what i have on the other hand if things don't work out i lose my love and family. If i chose family i may have lose the love of my life and the fact i don't even like being in the house makes it a whole lot worse.
Sigh i don't wanna chose and i hate making either side unhappy. I dont know what to do. I'm scared. I dont wanna lose my love but i don't wanna see him angry. Fear is taking control over me. What to do? Helpme i feel trapped TT^TT
Sigh i don't wanna chose and i hate making either side unhappy. I dont know what to do. I'm scared. I dont wanna lose my love but i don't wanna see him angry. Fear is taking control over me. What to do? Helpme i feel trapped TT^TT
Monday, 13 June 2016
Feeling alone even when you are near
For the first time, i felt alone even though i was with Ling. His new game took up so much of his time that. . . I feel he forgotten about me. I would like to have cuddle more with him and kiss him and have very cute happy moments with him.
Friday. . . Though we had intimate times but it was so little compared to the rest of the day. Feeling sad, that I couldn't get enough time to spend with him and then I have to wait 3 whole days before I can see him. To some people that is such a short amount of time but to me it feels like forever, >~<
Friday. . . Though we had intimate times but it was so little compared to the rest of the day. Feeling sad, that I couldn't get enough time to spend with him and then I have to wait 3 whole days before I can see him. To some people that is such a short amount of time but to me it feels like forever, >~<
Wednesday, 8 June 2016
Never changed
Back to my old self. The same person who can't control there emotions. The same person that was all selfish and thought about herself. That same person I wanted to avoid and hated. It is all back at control it and change what's wrong with me. : .
Maybe cause I am exhausted and I'm just not thinking properly. Maybe that is just me giving me any excuse for myself. Getting depressed all over again. Emotions taken control of me and going back to thinking what's is the point of my existence. Why on earth was I brought into this world. Was it just to make everyone life miserable or hard. I can't do anything right. I feel what ever I do just annoys other people and cause them more trouble. So what is the point of me being on this earth. . .
Feel like nothing has changed. Feel like crap and feel like just a big stupid trouble maker. Can't do this TT^TT
Maybe cause I am exhausted and I'm just not thinking properly. Maybe that is just me giving me any excuse for myself. Getting depressed all over again. Emotions taken control of me and going back to thinking what's is the point of my existence. Why on earth was I brought into this world. Was it just to make everyone life miserable or hard. I can't do anything right. I feel what ever I do just annoys other people and cause them more trouble. So what is the point of me being on this earth. . .
Feel like nothing has changed. Feel like crap and feel like just a big stupid trouble maker. Can't do this TT^TT
Saturday, 4 June 2016
So Conflicted
Today was the best day and the worst, all in one. . . Best things that happened was I got to spend time with my friends and have lots of fun with them but also I laughed so much I started crying one of my first experiences ever. That was fun.
Things that happened bad today were quite a few. I felt like today was just a day I could get really easily irritated or maybe not. I don't know. . . Anyway, so first thing I was upset about was being pissed about getting teased on a lot it sort just got to me but I did let it go. (I think it was cause I was hungry might be part of the reason.)
Another thing that happened I argued with Ling about a game that he wanted and it was just mainly about money to buy it and then once I decided to let him he didn't want it and ahhh it was just annoying. I knew the feeling of waiting something but then not waiting it because of the argument but this is the first time it happened to Ling and not me.
Another thing, is more like I felt bad about was. . . I told something to Ling that I shouldn't have. I didn't get to say it then cause I didn't know how to act and didn't say it after cause I felt I left it for too long. But I do need to say that I am SORRY~~~. I have to be honest I tell Ling everything. The only things I don't tell is when I know exactly that this information can not be told cause the person told me. I am not very. . . bright or have that common sense about these things. Some things I feel it is ok to say and others I don't know. Probs in future should stop talking about anything private related all together. I shall try work on that.
The last thing that happened which top the day with the worst events ever is. . . I had another disagreement with Ling. He wanted me to stay in his car for a little longer and I was very agitated cause I didn't wanna upset my dad. I just really didn't wanna hear him yell. But I didn't wanna disappoint Ling. I ended up upset Ling and probs would have upset my dad too if my mum hadn't told him earlier about me getting him some cigarettes which Ling had given me the day before.
It was my fault again. I got so agitated that I panicked and freaked at a lot and sort of made a scene. But Ling this time was so. . . calm didn't get angry like he usually would but in the end he explained to me his thoughts and everything about what happened. I was calm and I did feel bad. But I also wish he understand that I really don't wanna disappoint anyway. I feel in this kind of scenario I either disappoint Ling or my dad.
I just. . . I really don't wanna upset my dad so I would like to be home relatively early and I wish he could just be understanding and let me. . . But I understand he wants to spend as much time with me as he can and to be honest I would be much happier in his arms that at home. AHHHH. . . I just I'm so conflicted. I don't know what to do to change so that I could make Ling happy but not upset my dad. But I can only do one or the either it seems. . . AHHH. . . It is just so frustrating. I CAN'T DO THIS >~<
Things that happened bad today were quite a few. I felt like today was just a day I could get really easily irritated or maybe not. I don't know. . . Anyway, so first thing I was upset about was being pissed about getting teased on a lot it sort just got to me but I did let it go. (I think it was cause I was hungry might be part of the reason.)
Another thing that happened I argued with Ling about a game that he wanted and it was just mainly about money to buy it and then once I decided to let him he didn't want it and ahhh it was just annoying. I knew the feeling of waiting something but then not waiting it because of the argument but this is the first time it happened to Ling and not me.
Another thing, is more like I felt bad about was. . . I told something to Ling that I shouldn't have. I didn't get to say it then cause I didn't know how to act and didn't say it after cause I felt I left it for too long. But I do need to say that I am SORRY~~~. I have to be honest I tell Ling everything. The only things I don't tell is when I know exactly that this information can not be told cause the person told me. I am not very. . . bright or have that common sense about these things. Some things I feel it is ok to say and others I don't know. Probs in future should stop talking about anything private related all together. I shall try work on that.
The last thing that happened which top the day with the worst events ever is. . . I had another disagreement with Ling. He wanted me to stay in his car for a little longer and I was very agitated cause I didn't wanna upset my dad. I just really didn't wanna hear him yell. But I didn't wanna disappoint Ling. I ended up upset Ling and probs would have upset my dad too if my mum hadn't told him earlier about me getting him some cigarettes which Ling had given me the day before.
It was my fault again. I got so agitated that I panicked and freaked at a lot and sort of made a scene. But Ling this time was so. . . calm didn't get angry like he usually would but in the end he explained to me his thoughts and everything about what happened. I was calm and I did feel bad. But I also wish he understand that I really don't wanna disappoint anyway. I feel in this kind of scenario I either disappoint Ling or my dad.
I just. . . I really don't wanna upset my dad so I would like to be home relatively early and I wish he could just be understanding and let me. . . But I understand he wants to spend as much time with me as he can and to be honest I would be much happier in his arms that at home. AHHHH. . . I just I'm so conflicted. I don't know what to do to change so that I could make Ling happy but not upset my dad. But I can only do one or the either it seems. . . AHHH. . . It is just so frustrating. I CAN'T DO THIS >~<
Feeling. . .
I dont know. . . Yesterday i had dinner with Ling's family again but i felt. . . Forgotten or neglected. I mean im technically not a part of this family yet but. . . I didn't like the feeling at all.
First thing, i would that happen was that they all watched a video and i wanted to see it but when i asked he didnt hear and was looking for something else. Maybe i was just to quiet but i didnt like that feeling.
Other parts that made me upset was that he decided things for me. One of the decisions i can understand but the other. . . I didnt like. His sister order caesar salad and i do like it but Ling said i dont like vegetables which it isnt true. There other part that i can understand was taking my wedges to give her auntie. I understand the reason but o wish he told me beforehand.
I don't know... just didn't like the feeling this one time.
First thing, i would that happen was that they all watched a video and i wanted to see it but when i asked he didnt hear and was looking for something else. Maybe i was just to quiet but i didnt like that feeling.
Other parts that made me upset was that he decided things for me. One of the decisions i can understand but the other. . . I didnt like. His sister order caesar salad and i do like it but Ling said i dont like vegetables which it isnt true. There other part that i can understand was taking my wedges to give her auntie. I understand the reason but o wish he told me beforehand.
I don't know... just didn't like the feeling this one time.
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