The Future Ahead

It has been awhile since I blogged and a lot has happened. Well. . . Not that much except playing games and staying at home watching videos. I wanted to see my friends on tuesday in believing that everyone is free that day however I end up going out with one of the many people I have asked. I feel like I am neglecting them and not talking to them enough.

I recently also have noticed I become a bit more clingy with Ling. I mean I spent so much time with him on games and everything. But because I spent so much time with him I finally learn more things about him and find out some secrets. Though today I haven't spoken to him for a whole day and it feels. . . odd. . . He isn't telling what he has been up to and it sort of makes me feel insecure. It is just I like to know these things one for entertainment and two well I like to know how his day has been since I haven't spoken to him.

Another part of me feels like he doesn't wanna talk to me or wants his own space right now. I fear he thinks I am to clingy but then he says he misses me but his actions seems a little different. I don't know maybe I am overthinking it like I always do but I overthink to protect myself for hurting as well. Sigh. . . I don't know.

I feel that the future is so close yet so far away. I got my offer and got into the pretty good university for something I want to do but then I feel burden by it. I was happy about it, I truly was but now comes facing the problem of my dad. He doesn't want me to choose this course and absolutely in against it.

He wants me to become a nurse and he makes it like he knows me so well that my personality and my capacity is only good for that career. But he doesn't know me that well, he doesn't know how uncomfortable I get one I see someones else's pain I can't even take these pain myself. I will probably cry when someone else cries and I flinch when I see blood and cuts. It brings shivers down my spine. Just thinking of it scares me. People say I am scared of blood it isn't just that, when I see a cut I feel like it would hurt and I am uncomfortable even though the person with the cut may or may not feel it. But subconsciously my mind tells me it is gonna hurt and I freak out.

I admit I will have to see it when I be a teacher but I won't see it as often as I would becoming a nurse. So now comes to how to tell my dad that I am not gonna learn that course. Such a struggle in life.

Other things, I have been doing is trying to find a job which hasn't work out well recently but I have volunteered for 2 jobs and I need to attend an interview. I can't wait and I hope I get in cause it would be a good experience and I wanna try out different things to help improve my own abilities.

I have started to learn how to drive as well. That is coming along nicely. Driven about 4 hrs got a lot more to go, scared of learning how to park and still need quite a lot of assistance. But I am getting there. I am progressing through life slowly, though I still wish to continue just playing games and enjoying that freedom life I have.

However I need to become more independent need to get a move on. Job finding is my first priority now, not really still gonna game a bit :P

I feel Selfish

I have been pretty depressed lately. Sometimes I can just cover it up and let things distract other times it just all comes back. But I have such bad sleep and a lot of things trouble me. I feel like I have neglected something very important. I have been so caught up in my own little tornado of emotions that I forget the impact I had on someone that is there for me and will bring back down to the ground safely.

I feel like I am making no sense now, so I get straight to the point. I know Ling has constantly wanted to either sneak out with me at night or go out with me for a few days now and I have been pushing it back cause I just wasn't in the right mood. But I forget how important he is in making me feel so happy, so loved and cared about. Though he said he denies it, but I know I made him upset again. I havent been offensive enough.

Ahh~~~ I just feel so bad. I feel like everything I do is wrong. I feel like I always making people unhappy even though all I want is to make people happy.

I don't know anymore
I really just dont know.

My mind is a mess
My heart is a mess
No part of me is understanding what I am thinking.
What is wrong with me? Everything. I am selfish that is why a lost a friend and that is why I made Ling upset tonight. I. . .

AHHHH >.< All so confusing. I can't take this no more. I need to break out of this depression I need to make the one I love happy and make sure he knows how much I love him.

My head hurts from all this >~<

Too Naive

I feel stupid. Why? Stupid in believing that some friendship would last forever. I have been so upset about this one thing that has been bothering me for over a month and yet that person doesn't even seem to care. Maybe I am wrong but I feel like I am treated as if I did something absolutely horrible and I deserved to feel so depressed.

I now have a mixture of feelings about this. Part of me still depressed and if I think to deeply about it or even talk to someone about it I feel like tears will fall. The other part no one knows about is being angry. Angry at the fact that I cared more about the friendship that the opposing side. I am angry that after how many years of caring, worrying and things I tried to help was all for nothing. All for me to be ignored and not even given a proper farewell or have the person tell me themselves that they won't or can't be friends with me.

After everything we have been through do I not at least deserve that much, one simple goodbye. Obviously not. Obviously what I did was worse then backstabbing them or saying bad things about them or doing something that would make them lives feel miserable. I had a thought of making that person feel guilty or unhappy just like they have done to me. But I couldn't, cause I still care and I still want to hold on to my promises. I could never do something bad to someone I care about. I could forgive and forget so easily but I realised that to some people it is like the hardest thing to do.

Why am I like that? I feel like I would always be taken advantage with this attitude never fighting back. Never hurt anyone that has hurt me. People would think I am easy to be treated like nothing. Easily used and then thrown away.

I guess this friendship truly meant more to me then it had to them. All the effort was to nothing, it all just ends up into a dead end. I could have used those effort on other friend who wouldn't have cause me some much sadness and cared for her more so I wouldn't have hurt so much now. I guess this is how things must end.

Last meeting

She was in my dream. I was like nothing bad had happened and she talked to me like she always have. It was sort of like a continuation of our korea trip where we went to another city in Korea. I felt so happy talking to her but then I knew it was a dream. I asked her did she know that I heard from Maria about her and she told me Maria was lying.

But I felt Maria wouldn't especially if she told me that something happened on seoul tower and that was the reason why I can' talk to someone.

In the dream she was like how I remember her but I told I know this is a dream cause I hoped that in the dream maybe she could decipher it for me since I wouldn't be able to ask her in reality. She seemed sadden that I had said this and I told I wish this wasn't a dream and I wanted to keep talking to her. I even told her I knew that this was the last time I would ever she her. I felt tears well up and I was so worried that I would really cry and wake up.

Denise later comes up and tells me you will be happy again later. I hoped she was right. After that I felt a buzz and I return back into reality. The reality where I will no longer ever have any contact with her. I miss her and still hope that this friendship isn't lost. But it is. She. . . Sigh. . . Is this really the end?

Lost A Friend

Anyone understands the feeling of losing a very good friend. One person I know might but she is the one I have lost. I understand why and I have gained a deeper understand when I asked my mum about her reaction. I just never expected that someone would give up a friendship just like that and I thought that she would be one of those people who would fight to hold on to a friendship.

Maybe she doesn't care about our friendship anymore and maybe she doesn't want a friend like me anymore which makes more sense knowing that she hasn't changed and she is the type to fight for a friend that is worth it and obviously means I am not which I have to accept whether I like it or not.

To be honest, I never cried when I lost a friend or I know there is someone I may never contact again. But this time I did cause I felt I was very close with her. She knew things about me that not a lot of people knows and I knew things that she hadn't told a lot of people herself. We seemed so close to me and after one mistake everything end just like that. It isn't something I expected.

I was a little annoyed finding out why I couldn't contact her because I wished she told me herself and as early as possible and not let it drag until now. I am upset that I thought that this friendship was more than it was. Now because I thought this way, it has made me hurt even more than it would have. I have given up and maybe I should persist more to keep what we have. But I don't want to keep a friendship when the opposite thinks otherwise.

I say my final goodbyes, I will let out my last tears for the end of what I thought was a good friendship at least for a while. I guess not everyone can forgive and forget or maybe this was something to big for people to forgive and forget. Oh well Farewell Onee-san.

My feelings are Right

I knew something was gonna happen back even before I went to the korea trip. I keep trying to contact a lovely friend of mine and I love talking to her. I feel that there are somethings I can tell her cause she understands what I went through cause of her own experiences. But not just that I like her perspective of things and she gives advice that helps me at times to sort out problems.

I wanna keep that friendship cause I feel that she is someone worth my time. But when you try and try to keep in contact with someone they don't seem to give a response, you feel like you cherish the relationship more than the opposite party. I know it might not be the case and probably has a very busy life but couldn't you spare one moment in messaging me one line or word or letter.

Sigh, I worry for her and I miss her. I just wanna talk her about anything.

Cant Be Apart

I never thought I would think of someone so much that he would always be constantly in my head. Even when I am doing something I think of him. I feel my feelings for him grow and our relationship has truly improved a lot more over the last year. How long will this last? How long could this feeling last? I honestly hope it would last forever but then I doubt myself.

I doubt myself having the capabilities to hold on to him and over the 6 days we have been together, it made me feel less capable. I know there are things I need to improve on and hopefully would do that.

I really love him and I can't help thinking about him. I have now gotten the habit that I sleep much faster and easier with him either near me or when I can hear his voice in the background. I fear that one day if this all ends how devastated and depressed I will be. It would be my first heartbreak and I don't know how I will deal with it then.

I hope this won't come. If I have a new years resolution it would to be improve myself, improve cooking skills and skills that I feel that would be useful for myself and for locking in my love.

Happy New Year

Last thing for today and the most important is:

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE

HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT YEAR AHEAD OF YOU. 

Catch up of my life.

I probably won't finish blogging about Korea cause all that was left of the the next 4 days included going to Nami Island and Petite france and Everland. The rest of the days we went last minute shopping for things we needed and gift things for friends. That was about it and when we returned I got picked up by Ling and spent most of my time with him until about 3 and I went home to sleep.

I did see him at night that day too. In fact after Korea trip I saw him for like 3 days straight. Every day we go out and then he take me home. Then I spent a couple of days at home until I went out again with some family friends to watch a movie. That night I also went to a hotel with 2 friends and Ling.

There was actually 2 nights that we could stay and I didn't know that but then my mum was upset with me and didn't let me go. So I went home and spent about this next 2-3 days at home except one day where I went to go get my centrelink and tax file things done with Ling.

After that my parents went on a 6 day trip to Tasmania and I spent those days with Ling non-stop. It was a pretty good time.

6 days of Ling

I have stopped blogging for a long time and that is cause nowadays there is so much things to do and I have been spending a lot of time with Ling. So I forget to blog every now and again. During HSC, I had to concentrate on study and the only way I could relax was blogging and now I don't have that problem so I started neglecting this blog.

I still wanna blog and I wanna blog about all the depression I have been feeling recently. I don't know what caused it and why but I often have that uncomfortable feeling in my heart. I cried a few times in the past few days. Most of the time I kept it hidden though I couldn't for long as I spend almost 6 days with Ling.

I love spending time with him and I felt extremely lonely when we had to part. Part of me wish that my parents didn't come back from Tasmania or at least gone for a longer time so I could spend more time with him.

You know. Ling and I sort of had a small fight in one of the previous days. It is the first time that he was upset with me and I was upset with him sort of thing. I can't even remember what he did but I got upset and ignored him. I was more hoping he would do his usually thing and hug me or make me feel happy again. But then he was upset that I was ignoring him and he left the house.

*Friends who read this don't tell my parents*

He was sleeping over that night as well so when he walked out of my room he took his bag but not his laptop. So I thought he would come back and so I just stay staying upset but eventually as it always does I lost the feeling of being angry at him. I was worried of where he went and I found out he was sitting outside.

I didn't know what to do and I didn't wanna be the one to make up first just a stubborn part of me. So I went in and out of the house a couple of times feeling really upset. I let Lady out cause she hadn't been out in a while and I though she would keep him company. He still ignored me and I still ignored him.

I though I try to make up. I went behind him and pulled his shirt once but he kept walking down. I wasn't sure if I should do it again. But my heart was beginning to hurt and I couldn't take it. I wanted to run back inside and cry. I walked back feeling hurt and I hide in a corner of the closet in my dads room for a bit.

Ling had came in and found I wasn't in the room. He then went back down and outside again. This time I went back on my bed and buried my head into the pillow wondering what is happening and why it is even happening. I didn't even remember why I was upset in the first place and so why is this still going on. He came back in the room and saw me on the bed but he grabbed his laptop, walked out the room and close the door.

I felt my heart dropped and I started to cry. I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to. I was sitting on the bed crying wondering if I should go out and stop being stubborn. I didn't think to long cause he came back in. I didn't wanna show him I was crying so I hide in the pillow again. He sat on my bed and he told me to look at him. It was hard I didn't wanna show him that I was crying and upset. But I looked anyway, he said before he go he wanted to say something. He seem to struggle a little cause he looked to the side and paused. I waited and thoughts came into my head like if he wanted to break all something.

Finally he said, I Love You. It made me feel relieved hearing it and I also said I loved him too. Though I was probably really quite. He had told me he didn't like being ignored and he could of just left before but he didn't. I was glad he didn't. I really don't know what happened. But I hugged him and stay there until I felt like the tears had gone.

It was the first time this ever happened but then what relationship won't go though this stage at least once. We made up and at first we were a little distance due to it and I had become very quiet but after a while we returned back to normal and made each other forget about it. I hope it won't happen again and if it does I must remember why it happened and if it was all worth it making such deal out of it.