Happy Chinese New Year

Happy Chinese New Year

新年快樂

Hope everyone enjoy this lovely day. 

Lets start a great year of the Horse. 

Chinese New Year Feast

Feast was not bad. I had fun being with my sister and she made me laugh a lot. However, she kept going through my things I was worried that she might find some of my results that I have been hiding from my mum. But then again I don't think my sister would tell my mum cause she knows who my mum would react. On the other hand, she might so my mum would be more watchful which wouldn't be too good. Too much pressure.

Anyway, we had duck and a small, thin pancake wrap that is used to normal used when eating a Peking Duck. My mum had a whole fish, scallops, oysters, salad, salmon and this chinese dish that had tofu, bean sprout and some other things that I don't know what it is called. We had to have rice cause it is a tradition for this day as it resembles having food throughout the year.

It was a delicious meal and I was so full after dinner. Now I am spending time with my sister, sort of. She is watching something while I am half blogging and studying. One thing depressed me and one thing made me find funny even though it wasn't meant to be funny.

Ok, the depressing thing was hearing that my sister trying to convince my mum to divorce my dad. I know they don't have anything for each other but hearing it still hurts. It bring back that crack in my family that I try to hide. The funny or not meant to be funny thing was one my sister said happy new year to my dad. I know that wasn't mean't be funny but the way my sister said it, the look on my dad, I couldn't help laugh. I could hear that my sister didn't mean what she said and she forced it out for my mum's sake. My dad smiled and I think he brought it. Who is it funny? I don't know, I just let out a laugh.

I had a great chinese new years. Lovely dinner and a great time with my best sister ever. (^.^)

Approaching --> good or bad?

Chinese New Years Eve is approaching and this year my sister would be coming home to have dinner with us. Should I be happy or should I worry? In some way, I should be happy. I get to see my sister, talk to her bond with her discuss things with her. It should be good. In addition, there would be so many yummy food that it is fitted for this occasion.

But then again, my sister and my dad in the same room. . . Watch out world war 3 might just start. I do remember my sister coming over last year but I am quite sure that we had a family friend over as well. I can't remember it too well. But I feel as if something bad might just happened.

Would this be a joyous occasion or would it all end in chaos? Only time would tell. So I guess there is no point worrying about it until the time arrives.

Big Sister - Little Sister

Today, is the start of a new school year and my last high school year of my life. 

We meet our little year 7 sister that will would be looking after for this year. 

I meet mine. 

But the time spent, I felt a little awkward cause I couldn't find enough topics for us to talk about.

I was with a few friends and I tried getting the group to know each other and bond with each other a bit more. 

I didn't have enough ideas to keep up a interesting conversation. 

Overall, I say it was ok day. Nothing much really happened. 

Black Hole

Warning to my friends: 

Don't read if you can't take it. 

Don't read it cause it may hurt. 

Don't read it cause it may worry you. 

Don't read it if you plan to talk to me about it. 

If you decided to read it don't tell me or mention anything about what I may say.

Down and down, I fall. Heart beating steadily. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks past. . . I don't know. What would catch me when this ends? Would it be a web, where a spider would catch me as it dinner? Or would it be a warmth of a love one, protecting me from harms way. When would this black hole come to an end? 

Alright some things happened which I won't mention. Some things said but I won't say. But what I am left with is emptiness. I don't understand but do I want to? You know I felt like falling in a hole waiting for the end to come hoping for safety but will that come who knows. 

I know most of what I said doesn't really make sense. But I was in a very down mood when I typed this. I feel like some friend would see this and in a way I don't want them to. But I don't want to hide my feelings in my secret blog anymore. I am tired of hiding it. I want to express as openly as I can. But you know what there is somethings I left unsaid cause I can't do it. I can't tell cause I know what it would lead. I know what it would cause. I just can't let it happen. So, I will hide this feeling again. I will bury it deep within my heart somewhere no one would find including me. 

(You know the one person I wanted to notice but they didn't seem to notice. I don't want to tell but I wanted the person to found out on their own sense. This one person was the comfort I wanted at the moment. But then again what good will come out of it. Do I really want to explain it? Somehow I don't think that person would comfort me well enough, I just need their hug I suppose. . . ) 

Btw, I realised that one thing I wanted to type and decided not to type was related to my warning but since I didn't type it the warning that it might hurt wouldn't really fit. But oh well I left it there, just in case. 

Australia Day

On Sunday, Ling wanted to go out for the last time this holiday with R.Z (Rosiee) who we have been playing an MMORPG. We meet up in the station and traveled to the city where we found a chinese lunar new year festival in a small park nearby.

From the festival, we brought some food and obtained a few degradable raincoat which Ling put on. It was quite funny seeing him in it so I talk a picture of it and he look quite cute in it (^.^). As we left, Ling teased me with something and it annoyed me a bit (kind of built up from the other teases he made). I ignored him for a bit as we walked out of the park towards Capital Square. Along the way, Ling had apologised 3 times maybe a bit more before he nearly tripped over the kerb, around then I decided to drop it. In fact, I had already forgiven him when he first said sorry.

In Capital Square, we play the crane machine and Ling grabbed three toys from it but we used like $30 on it. (:P) After Capital square, we played a bit more in Galaxy world and trying different games. It was very fun. We left around 3 to get to the Cinema and watch '47 Ronin'. It was tiring walk over there cause Rosiee and I both were a bit tired already from standing so much however we did get some treat along the way.

The movie was not bad, in fact it was quite enjoyable towards the end. However, at the start I was so tired that I was close to wanting to sleep right there. Anyway, after the movie it was home time where we once again walk to the station and caught a train home. As Rosiee and I parted with Ling, I thought about leaning in to kiss him however, I didn't. Even though I felt I should, I thought it might not be too good to in front of Rosiee and a worry that Ling would also tease and pull back. I don't know But oh well.

The day was quite enjoyable and I had a wonderful last outing for the holidays.
Thank You Rosiee and Ling.

Panic Attack

I got so much I want to post about on this blog and one which you can tell is my panic attack that I had which lasted almost an hour. I am going to start of with the first thing that I wanted to post about to the lastest event.

So today, I went to the lib where I had post my previous post. As I left I thought I wait for Rebecca and S.Z cause they where finishing maths tutoring. I don't know if Rebecca felt this to but I felt. . . distant. I don't what it was but I couldn't try and talk to her like I would want to I noticed her mood was not like normal I just got a negative vibe from her. I just don't understand. Standing there with them I felt awkward. I felt out of place. That feeling, it was just so bad. Honestly for the first time in a while I wished I left without wondered the streets by myself.

Is it just me or has something changed? My mood since then never really lifted actually throughout the whole day, I felt kind of gloomy and alone and I really didn't want to be that day. Anyway so that was about it for the afternoon, I had tutoring after which felt like it took forever.

I got home had dinner talk to my mum for a bit and kind of mention this guy, my age that we know who my mum know is smart however, does not like the mum cause of somethings she has done. This guy also goes to Ling's high school and I met him at fete where I didn't recognise him or remember him until Ling introduced him.

Anyway, so I prepared myself so I was ready to play for a bit before bed. Once I saw Skype I noticed Ling's messages he sent a few mins ago and it talked about how I might not be able to contact him cause his phone is taken and his interent might get cut off. This worried me. This would sound clingy, I guess but I can't really deal with not being able to contact him in a long period of time. My mind wonders and I slowly begin to freak out over time.

Besides that he was not happy. He was angry and upset. I need to be there for him. I wanted to be there for him. I will be there for him cause I shall meet up with him tomorrow hopefully. I was really worried about him and I was worried about not keeping in contact with him.

He had told me that he thought about breaking up with me cause that he wasn't going to be able to contact me at all but he said he couldn't let me go. I was glad to hear that cause I don't know how well I would take it, if he really decided that. But how is the relationship going to work if we can't keep in contact for a long time. I don't know (>~<)

Over time I felt my chest getting heavy, I found it hard to breathe, I felt so stuff and uncomfortable. I told myself breathe in through the nose and breathe out through the mouth but, I wasn't getting enough air. You know that feeling last almost an hour. One hour of feeling like you are going to suffocate. One hour of that heavy feeling in your chest. One hour of that pain.

My friend R.Z who was in a skype call with Ling and I, heard me breathing and help cheer me up and calm me down. It worked until I left to get some fresh air and water. Walking down the stairs was the hardest part. It grew harder and harder for me to breath. Heart raced. I heavy, stuffy feeling in my chest. I felt dizzy and weak in my legs that I had to crouch down on the stairs.

I really don't know what brought this on and Ling nor R.Z knew this happened to me. I think it is the stress of it all broke me down. The stress of knowing I need to study and finish all my work. The stress of not knowing if I would be able to keep in contact with my boyfriend. The stress of having to found out what my social life with my friends was going to be like when I return school. Would it still be that awkward feeling that I got today? Just everything that happend today just got to me and I couldn't handle it.

I am weak I know. Normal people probably can deal with this and build a bridge and get over it. I am not normal. I depend on people just like my dad who can't do anything by himself. I don't want to be my dad. But I am dependent on others. I hate the idea of being alone. I hate the idea of not being able to contact the friends and boyfriend I love and care about. Mainly cause they are what keeps me away from facing the annoyance of my home. Since year 7, Rebecca and I found a common factor that link us and we had always just supported each other and listend to our problems.

I need these people in my life. They keep me sane. They keep me motivated. They keep me from thinking about jumping out of my window when chaos breaks out in the house.

. . .

Maybe this is good. Maybe I need to learn to be on my own. Maybe I need to be more independent. Maybe I should just hide away lock myself out of society. Already done that before. I don't know anything that goes around. Like the colloquial language, popular music, popular shows, anything that most people my age already knows. I still got other people teaching me and at times I feel like that I came from a different century. So maybe I should just forget about everything. Maybe I should make myself a social outcast. Maybe that is the life I meant to have.

Sigh I feel so pessimistic right now. Life seem so dull. Life seem so hard. I don't understand. What is the point???

I am going to think about seeing Ling tomorrow. I am sure that would bring a smile. But then again what if he couldn't make it and left me there all by myself. I don't know how well I would take that. What if. . . I am not going to think to much into it. I can't. I won't.

Alright all this ranting and pessimistic views is just too much. I need to sleep. Hope this fog would lift tomorrow and I could fulfil my motto of being "Happy and Positive" (doubt that would happen =.=)

Should I stop blogging?

I wonder. . . 

Do you think I should stop blogging?

I feel like it is a distraction from study but it could be just a way for me to take break as well and reflect on my day or feelings or what ever I want to express. 

I had a reason to blog before but now I feel like that reason is gone. There is no point, is there??? 

To blog or not to blog, that is the question? (hehe :P) 

oh well I will decided tomorrow. Gonna study a little bit more before I have to leave the lib to tut. 

Lean On Me

In my previous post, I typed that I would make another post about something I left unsaid. Well the thing is I could tell from my friend during the call that something wasn't right. I am not sure what it is but. . . It is not her normal tone. Maybe I am thinking to much, or I haven't talked to in so long or that I am right and there is something up with her.

The tone of her voice didn't match the line she said cause normally it would be in a more. . . I don't know. This might just be because of the prank Ling pulled, it might be because she was sleeping or it might be she is depressed.

I know she would probably read this. I want to say, I am here for you. Aren't I your best friend? Aren't I trust worthy? I know some things may need to be left unsaid. I know somethings you can't say cause it isn't the right time and I willing to wait. I am willing to stand in the background waiting for you. I will always be there for you. I will always be behind you giving you support. I will catch you when you fall, chance I will fall too cause I not strong enough to catch anything unless it is a paper or a basketball even then I might miss haha. . . That isn't the point cause I was talkin metaphorically.

Anyway, you are my best friend and a friend I want to keep in my life forever. I want to be able to help. I want to be able to be that person you can come to with any problem. Two heads are better than one. I don't want to pressure and I won't but you should know I am behind you all that way.

Honestly, I feel so disconnect from you. I haven't spoken to that much throughout the holiday. I get it we need to study. I get that you would want to get better marks and do the best you can. But think about it university things would be the same. You would need to study. You would need to work. You would have so much things going on in your life. Is this what things would be like? I am sorry if I am not being understanding here or make you feel bad or make you feel anything but upset. But I have to tell you that Study is important, getting yourself the best future is important but friends are equally important please dont forget that.

I am honestly worried about you. I don't know what has happened to you. I don't know if you have been ok. I don't know anything that has happened to you in the holiday. I don't mine serious stuff but just little stuff. I just want to talk to you and chat like we used to. Just for a few mins that is ok. This might just me being selfish. But I can't help it, you are one of the most cherished friends I have. You are more than just a friend more like a sister. I opened to you more than I have with anyone else in my life including my family members. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling disconnected from you. I hate that I don't know what is going on with your life. I hate that we don't keep in constant contact.

I'm sorry, if I hurt you in anyway by saying this. I am sorry that I am being selfish wanting you to spend some more time talking. But please understand my perspective too.

No matter what happens. I will be by your side. You can push me away. You can ignore me. But I will still be there. (The only time I won't if you do something to have wronged me which I doubt you would do ^.^)

Anyway, I never felt so disconnected from my school friends before and for the first time I have spoken more to my family friend, R.Z. I don't even contact my family/longest/best friend, A.Z, as much anymore. This holiday is certainly different to every other holiday I have. I had so many great and happy days but I lost contact with most of my friends.

Can I ask, what is more important? Friends or Study? Study leads to a better future, a good job. Friends leads to happiness, enjoying life, accompaniment. I say both are equally important. With both of these together, you could live a wonderful life.

I just want my friend to understand that I would be there for her. I want her to understand how I feel. You know I realised the text could relate a little but so seriously haha. . . Awkward :P

Thats all I want to let out, hope you read this and understand me and understand I will be your pillar to lean on.

Library Time

Yesterday, I went to the library with Ling again to study. We met up and had lunch like we always do before walking to the library. He had my phone after we finished lunch and decided to text a few friends, I tried getting it back but failed (=.=). It annoyed me so much that he won't give it back but importantly I was worried what he had texted to my friends.

He only texted three of my friends but one of them was worst then the others. This text was to my friend, Rebecca. She had called me and left a voicemail but since Ling still had my phone I couldn't really pick it up. I later called to apologise and also later listened to the voicemail.

(I need to mention about this in another blog as well, I have somethings left unsaid.)

Later on, V.N popped out from behind me and I was so happy to see her that I jumped up and hugged her. I missed her so much and I haven't gone to the lib in a while so I missed my chance to see her so many times. So we moved where V.N was sitting and study until I lost concentration.

A friend of Ling's decided to come to the lib to see him and it was Ling's closest friend from primary and probably now as well. Ling sat with his friend to study while I stayed with V.N. This wasn't what I expected and in some way I wish it didn't but then again I did cause I saw V.N who I miss. I don't know I had mixed feelings then. Anyway study continued and I had convinced my mum for me to stay longer.

I did have a good day at the Lib though I was tired quite often cause of the time I stayed up last night.

200th Post

This is my 200th blog post. 

YAY~~~

I never thought I could keep up with a blog for this long.

I thought I would have lost interest in posting.

I can barely keep up to date when I try keeping a journal.

But I guess this is different. 

My friends read this and in that way I keep up to date with them. 

However I can't seem to keep up to date with them. 

I can't read one of my friends blogs. 

I can't read 2 other friends blog cause she doesn't post. 

Well I guess I would be the open book to them. 

Let them know what is happening to me. 

I miss them. 

One other person I miss who doesn't have a blog. 

Seen him yesterday but I still miss him. 

>~< 

Ahhh~~~ Now I miss people and this wasn't the point of the post. 

Ok, back to the point. 

I am glad that I have kept up with this blog for so long. 

I can't believe my attention span can last this long. 

Hehe~~~

Thank you for reading my 200th Blog post ^.^

Weird Dream

I have been dream quite a lot these days, most contain Ling as I had seem him that day or I was about to see him the following day. Anyway I just had a dream which was weird but I felt quite protected and I liked that feeling.

Ling was there with me and was the one who was protecting me. There was poison which I had to use on other people but I had accidentally touch a little bit of it and so I immediately washed it off my hands however, that tiny amount caused lots of nausea and blood had came out as a result as well. Such a powerful poison. But I was alright after a few mins. During the time I was poisoned, Ling had his arms around me protecting me and help kill other players around me. I say players cause it sort of felt like a game like the one I play so often. I am definitely getting very very addicted. to it. >~<

Oh well it is fun and I sort of liked the dream excluding the poison part but then I wouldn't feel protected. . . It was just an interesting kind of strange dream haahah~~~

Sing Sing Sing

Sigh, even though I said I had a great day today. It isnt completely true. My parents during dinner where complaining about each other and my dad kept talking to me and said you will understand how is the better parent and saying bad things about my mum.

Surprisingly I am able to keep up a good mood and a good attitude. I ignored it. Didn't respond and what I did was sing to myself cause I had a song stuck in my head and I ignored as much as I can. I also used that soothing memory of being with Ling at the park hearing his heart beat. So I was able to maintain a good mood and not be upset at how my parents are always arguing and then complain on a post like I always do.

I still in a good mood cause I still have the song in my head. I am talking to Ling and I can distract myself with my computer and other things that would stop the reality of my family from hitting me.

Singing and people outside my family life/home keeps me from breaking down. ^.^

Lucky

Today, I left for the Lib to study with Ling as he said he might want help with maths which I help very little and I was kind of blanked out most of my maths. (:P) Anywho to some point I got bored of studying and really couldn't concentrate much especially after Ling decided to draw a very very bad drawing of me which made me loook kind of retard and he wouldn't give it to me (>~<). Oh well it was fun trying to get it though I fail so badly, haha.

Anyway, Ling realised I couldn't study and so we left the lib but I didn't want to go home cause I know my parents would be home and I want to get as much time away from home as possible. So we left for a park nearby where we laid in the grass and I annoyed Ling a lot which was fun but I finally calm down as I had my head against his chest and heard his heart beating at a nice rhythmical beat. I loved that feeling, I could lie there forever. After some time had past we decided to run and we joke as we walked back to the station. Along the way we brought ice-creams to cool us down.

We caught our train and go to our stop where Ling need to catch another train home. I accompanied him for a while and during that time I realised that I left my phone somewhere which I assumed was on the train. I turned around to see a train still there and confirmed with Ling that it was the train we just got off. I rushed into the train to where we were sitting to find my phone. I was honestly so lucky that the train didn't leave immediately after we jumped off and instead stood there for a couple of mins. It freaked me out so much. I feel so lucky. I have been keeping an eye on my phone ever since I lost it today. Right now it is right in front of me *phew*

I had a great day. Lovely weather, lovely time spent with Ling. All good.

Studied. . .

Today, I made plans with Ling to go to lib to study and accompany him to his orthodontist appointment.I had a friend, E.W. that had also invited me to watch a movie with her and Rebecca but I had remember I had made plans with someone else already so I couldn't go with them.

Anyway, so I meet up with Ling and had lunch at a fast food place even though it was't health it was still yummy. After we left for the Lib to study, which was successful in a way that I did study and more than I would at home but I slowly lost interest and so did he therefore we start to muck around a bit. (:P)

When the time came we left to go to Ling's appointment, which freaked me out a bit because I hate dentist or any doctors that specialise in teeth but that didn't take long. Ling wanted to go and buy a card to use for a game while I thought it could be a nice opportunity to by a B'day present for my dad. Even though he annoys me and I kind dislike him and say bad things about him which are true but he is still my dad. So I know I should get him something or otherwise he would annoy me more when his B'day comes and I have nothing.

Anyway after shopping around., Ling start trolling with me and run away an going up the elevator when i was just coming down. It annoyed me a little but I really couldn't bother chasing after him which I might be able to catch up but I was just to tired to run after him so I just slowly walked around not trying to catch up to him but still follow him.

After the walking around find him, we had 2 options to either go home or go to an internet cafe which I have never been to. I didn't want to go home therefore we went to a internet cafe where I watched Ling browse his DN game and later play a LOL game which was also the first time actually viewing a LOL game which surprisingly look fun. I am willing to give it a try however not until HSC is over.

That was it about my dad other than the boring yet worrying bus trip home. Worrying cause I began thinking about stuff which I won't post about now and probably not make a post about later either.

Overall, Great day~~~

Yay~~~

I got my appetite is back. 

WOOO~~~

I don't know why, I dont know how but YAY~~~

Let's eat as much as I can ^.^

Shopping with Mum

Today, my mum wanted to go out and really I didn't want to but you know did want to buy a bag so I can use to carry study things to library. I had also wanted to look for present for my sister. So first we had to go to eat at a place near my sister place however she didn't join us as she had other plans.

After finishing a meals, we left for westifield and shopped around for bags. We had brought a drink and later yogurt. I finally brought a backpack I like and wanted for some time now. (^.^)

Anyway, I had a fun to shopping with my mum and when even shopped for clothes but I didn't like any and nothing seems to suit me. >~< Oh well. . .

When we were driving home we past the bus guy who often talks to me when we are off the bus. I told my mum that he was the guy and exchanged smiles at each other for some time. . . I sort of laughed caused he kept smiling and looking at me (:P). Anyway, my mum said he look like a nice boy this is a little odd considering my mum has some judgement which is kind of racist and so I won't post about.

But yeah. . . I had a fun day.

This post feels a little random and doesn't seem to flow much but I just wanted to post something and keep up to date with my friends who read this. >.<

Too Much

I got too much worries. 

I can't post them all on this.

I just can't get that feeling away. 

I don't understand. 

My heart is pounding so loudly.

I can barely hear myself breathe. 

I don't want to post off these worries on this. 

I don't know.

I feel so confused.

I feel so anxious.

I feel so scared.

I feel so worried.

So much. . . 

Too much. . . 

AHHH. . . >~<

Problem. . .

I am worrying about my health now. I don't know but I feel like I have eaten less than I usually would. I still eat but not as much. Another thing is when I am full and usually I don't eat a lot, I get this sick feeling like I want to get rid of everything I have eaten. Not always and I don't end of spilling out everything, but that is a worry. I really got to check if I am ok. I really got to get my health back together. 

I also did some research about the white glow in your pupils when taking a photo with the flash on. Apparently, I have a white glow in my eyes. I found out it could be a tumour in the eye but then again it is not always accurate because it has to depend on the angle and the lighting and it can't be taken on a cellphone. So do I have it or not??? I don't know but I should get my eyes check cause I am scared.

Guys, I am scared. I want to live a long life with everyone and what if there is something wrong with me What if I do have so disease? What if it isn't curable? What if. . . Maybe I am just being paranoid. . .

I don't know. . . >~<

Dislike???

I might be thinking too much again but this has been constantly on my mind. I feel like a lot of people around Ling doesn't like me. I know that his family isn't very fond of me though will I need them to be? Will this relationship last forever? Who knows. No one can see the future and it isn't something I should worry about now. 

Another thing I feel is that a person. . . more specifically a girl that Ling is friends with and seem quite close with doesn't like me. I can feel for one I had her as a friend on Skype before but know it shows a question mark on her status, which I am guessing that it means she deleted me. I don't know I feel like she doesn't like me and I feel it really strongly. I don't know why I worry cause it really doesn't matter if his friends like me or not it is him that I care about and whether he still likes me. But the problem is I feel a little bit competitive. I know she is a good gamer and I need to be better so I can play by his side and spend as much time I have with him. But my gaming skills are not that great and I know that whatever I do, chances are I won't beat her. However I will still try. 

I don't know. I don't like this feeling of being disliked. I was aim to make everyone please at least to the ones I care about the most. There is just something that bothers me. I don't know. 

I also found out that Ling doesn't keep up to date with my blog as often as I thought, though when I mention about my blog he would read. Which means the post I wrote about ages ago about worrying is my why of showing love is not seen by him and is probably the one I really wanted him to see but also the one I worry about the most if he does see it. . . 

Study Date

Today, Ling and I planned to go out. 

This time Ling suggested that we go to the lib to study 

and I thought that is a good idea since I really do need to catch up on so work for school and so forth. 

So we gone to library and study for a couple of ours before we got tired 

and decided to go out and eat. 

Nearby there was this restaurant where I order Pho cause I wasn't sure what else to order 

while Ling had Pad Thai. 

After a sort of late kind of lunch we had made our way back to the lib 

and sat on the blue reading chairs they have their. 

We sat on one cause I just fit with him and we both were reading. . . 

well sort of we they kind of get distracted a lot but it was fun. 

I enjoyed today a lot. Happiness ^.^

Family Dinner

Today, my parents decided to go out to dinner and celebrate my dad's birthday early. Like every year we got to the same restaurant and eat however I don't want to it cause I was full from eating Pho early on but I couldn't tell them cause my mum thinks I am studying alone and didn't go out and eat. This now made my mum think that something was wrong with me and I was getting sick or something like that. Though I kind of feel like there is something wrong with me to. For one I don' it as much I normally do, and I hope I don't make my friends to worried about me but I have had vomiting feeling twice today and I am not to sure why.

However, I am definitely getting my blood tested to make sure I am fine. I am getting a little worried about myself. Moving on, so we left for dinner and had to go to Olympic Park. Which was about all that we did tonight.

I decided to cut this blog short cause I can't be bothered blogging anymore. I will post more tomorrow got quite few things I want to post.

Study

Today, I had decided to go to the lib to study 

but in the morning I had a hazy feeling and I didn't want to go.  

I ended up going as my parents decided to send me. 

So I got ready and left for the lib which later I had found out that my friend, V.N was at the lib as well. Meeting her made me feel quite happy especially having an off morning. 

I thought about discussing it with her but I ended up not doing and actually concentrating on my work. 

I had a break at the end where I decided to go outside the lib to read a book which felt good cause I felt warmer outside cause inside was really cold. 

After Lib, we went to out to eat Pho 

before coming back to the lib where in a few mins my mum had come to pick me up. 

I had a great time studying with V.N and it is a great start to my studying days ahead of me.

Hypocrite

My dad really knows how to push my buttons. Seriously, there is something about him that makes me so angry. But I guess today we even out cause I also had pissed him off too. You see in the morning I don't really bother making my bed cause I don't really see the point also I felt kind of hazy today (which I shall talk about in a different post.)

Anyway, so yeah my dad told me that I have to make my bed and I was in the great mood and reason why I decided to back chat to him which i know I shouldn't but I did. I asked why he never does his bed. He replied me that he is a guy and plus he is the father. I was thinking what does being a guy have to do with not making the bed and I asked this. His response was that guys can be lazy and girls can't.

I hate to hearing this. Girls have equal rights as male now a days so why can't guys be more lazier than girls it just doesn't makes sense. In addition he should be the role model and show me that he does it as well therefore I should and use an excuse for not doing it. Everyone can do that. I would have so much more respect for him if he was not a hypocrite and I would listen to what he says if he was a better role model.

Later I hear my parents having a slight argument about it and when I go down my mum ask did you piss of your dad. I didn't answer so she continues that he has a point and that in China that guys did the hard work outside and girls did the hard work inside. Well you know what, times have changed. There are many guys out there that do a lot more things at home then what my dad does and there are girls that do a lot more work outside than a guy does. It is just so stupid.

Anyway, I agree that I should do more at home but still. >~<

Study Life Begins Soon

From this Monday onwards, I would have no life. 

I am going to make myself go library on certain days whether I am alone or with friends. 

I need to revise and get back on track. 

I am going to have no life for the months ahead 

but what I can look forward to is the end of year 

where all stress gather this year is diminished. 

When the end of my last year of high school arrives, 

I can celebrate for graduating, 

for becoming a young adult as I would have turn 18 

and I would party with my friends 

and enjoy my life again. 

So from monday onwards. 

I must 

STUDY STUDY STUDY. 

Weirdness :P

Something hurts, but it can't be healed by any ordinary medicine.

Something is missing, but you can't just replace it. 

Something is heavy, but you can't just drop it. 

There is something in me that can't be fixed and it feels so painful. 

What could it be? 

Does it matter? 

Should I care? 

Haha~ I am talking about random things now. (:P) 

I don't know I feel weird. 

Punching Bag

I need a punching bag. Every time I am angry, I want to hit something or hurt. . . you know and I realised I need a good way to release all this anger out. I was angry at my dad last night and without thinking I punched the wall and it didn't hurt probably cause I didn't use that much strength or I didn't realise it much. Sorry to my friends who did tell me not to hurt myself but this time it was an impulse I wasn't thinking.

Anyway, to release my anger I put my two pillows in the corner of my wall and started punching it releasing all my anger on the pillows. This way I won't hurt myself and I feel much better after. I think I might using my pillows as punching bags more often cause that way I can relieve some stress and probably go out to run a bit more often cause that way I can get less stress feel better and also get some exercise.

Yup, this is what I am going to do in the next year I will find time to exercise and relieve stress.

Yum Cha

Today, A.Z mum had invited everyone that came to the BBQ yesterday to eat Yum Cha at Bankstown. It was quite delicious though I feel like that the place in Rhodes taste much nicer 

especially the Mango Pudding. 

I don't know I felt like everything did not taste like it is meant to. 

But anyway, I had fun spending time with my family friends again and later we spent more time at home playing a board game. 

We also try a random old board game where we made up the rules cause we didn't know the real ones and honestly it was hilarious cause of the random dares and imitation we had to do when we pick up one of these cards called the "Red Face" 

I had quite an enjoyable day with my Family Friends 

Run Away

Wednesday Night, my dad dragged my mum and out to walk the dog but he said that he didn't want to and wanted to sleep on the car. The reason because he had brought home a long taxi from work and wanted to use it for its' space as it can fit the dogs.

Anyway, I was pissed cause one I didn't want to go out and walk nor did anyone else but no he just had to make everyone unhappy. So in the end we left the house to walk the dog. I walked Lady and walked as fast as possible away from my dad as much as possible. My dad said I look pretty walking the dog and so forth but to me I was thought whatever I want to stay away from you.

I continued to walk away from my dad and I did begin running and it felt so good while I was running and the further away I was from my dad the happier I got. I know this sounds harsh to many and I am so cruel for something he did that wasn't even such a big deal. But I don't know the feeling of running away felt good even though running away from a problem is never the answer. I felt like I was running away from a horrible dream or horrible place or some place I just don't want to be at and the further away I was the safer and happier I felt.

I understand that this is such a small thing to get angry about and such a stupid reason to be pissed and fuss about. However, I do fuss about these things but only cause I can. The big things, I fear that something bad will come over which I don't want to name examples. I probably should make a new year resolution and say try and get a close bond with my dad. But I have no reason too.

To me I feel like he is trying to be nice and stay close to me is cause he has no one else. To me, he is selfish and only wants me there for his own reason and makes reason that sounds good for me but underneath it all he gets something in return. To me, he is a hypocrite and very, very, very self-centred. To me, my dad is the worst man alive. Alright I know, these words are harsh and cruel and something I should not even ever say. But honestly, no one in the world sees what I see. My sister and my mum would all agree to everything I have said above.

Sigh, I am sorry for being harsh but honestly I want to run away. I want to run away from this horrid place. I want to feel safe in my own home. I want to feel protect and secure inside my own house. I don't want to feel like I want to stay as for away as I can to a place that meant to bring all the joy in the world.

One day, I will make my own family where I can find everything I have been looking for. One day, I will find the right guy, that knows how to treat a woman and gives me the security and protect I have longed for. One day, I can finally stop running.

BBQ

For New Years Day, we held a BBQ for our family friends which included R.Z and A.Z. 

I help BBQ some of the food before they all came and we had enjoyable day sort of 

though we had a difficult time figuring out what we should do to past time. 

Though I did get R.Z to play a game that I have been playing recently 

and we started playing later that day. 

Overall we had a fun day together. 

Helping with the BBQ

All the food that was prepared. 

New years Eve~

Yesterday, I went out with a few friends and Ling to see the fireworks. It started off with me spending some alone time with Ling and I loved that time. Rebecca had something to do and came later. S.Z was late but the earliest one there beside Ling and I while V.N meet us at a different location a little later.

We had shopped, sang, ate, sate watched, and took pictures. I enjoyed myself being surrounded by the people I care about. I felt very happy however, I was get tired walking around especially cause of the new flats that I was wearing that was hurting me quite a bit but I didn't want to say anything and sucked it up as much as I can.

Ling thought I was getting a fever as my body temperature seem to be higher than everyone else which was unusually cause that never happens. I didn't feel sick just tired from walking and kind of sleepy. However, Ling didn't believe that I wasn't sick and wanted me to check my temp when I got home. He was quite worried about me and I am very very sowwie but honestly I am not sick. I refuse to be sick. I don't get sick a lot and my immune system is quite strong. So I kept denying it and in fact my temp was not that high it was 37.2/37.3. Ling said I had a little fever but I still denied and my mum also said it in the morning that I had a little BUT. . . NO I am not sick. OK NOT SICK. See today my temp was prefectly normal so not sick. :P

Anyway, I like to thank the people that worried for me though (^.^). I had a wonderful day.

Happy New year~~

It is a New Year, Everyone.

Lets hope this year is gonna be great. 

Of course in my case it means HSC but still I want enjoy this year. 

I want to enjoy it with my lovely friends. 

I want to enjoy it with my boyfriend that I love so much. 

I want to enjoy it with my mum. 

I want to enjoy it with my sister and see her more often. 

I hope this year would be a year to remember as it is the last year of High School. 

Happy New Year, Everyone~~~

May 2014 be a great one.