Smiling hurts

you know there is something wrong when you smile into a camera and all u see is pain. I was playing with the snapchat filters but all I could see in each of the filters was how hard I was trying to smile. Each time I smiled and looked at myself hiding behind filters I can just see sadness and it hurts. It hurt to so me smile so forcefully. It hurt my heart to just see me faking the smile when inside I was definitely in pain. But I don't know who to turn to... there isn't anyone to turn to.

It is all the same problems or the same pain... It has just become to repetitive and I don't wanna bother anyone with it but. my heart hurts, it hurts every time I smile and it hurts every time I think. I just want it to stop and go away. why cant it do that? why cant I just be happy?

One thing after another

I don't know what's wrong these days... It is like one thing after another... it feels like depression is sinking in once again. So many things that is making me upset...

I just feel like I should be by myself for now. it feels like everything I do and say just makes things worse for me. I don't know if it is me or people around me it is just... I can't seem to do anything right recently and it is really getting to me... I think ever since Wednesday, I just been having a bad time nothing I do is turning out well.

Part of me wanna isolate myself away from the world or even just to elope and not give a damn about anything another part of me wants to leave this world... a little death wish to be honest so I can stop feeling this pain this emotion that comes at me like endless waves. I'm tired of always feeling depressed cause it now feel like everytime I am truly happy something in life has to come crashing down and turn my world upside down.

My heart my mind is losing it. I kind of sick of my life. really want to end it sometimes... sigh... I don't know what's up with me these days. maybe if I make the world believe my smile is real then maybe I will start believing in it myself or just slowly suffocate...

Long Time No Blog

Thought I update my blog since I haven't been on for so long plus I never felt that there is anything interesting to blog about now and it is all kind of repetitive. But I thought I take a break from all my work and kind update something I'm really struggling on.

Something my dad is saying to me sounds pretty stupid. Ok... I see his point but still. Let me explain, so he is telling me off how I don't study enough and I should learn more even if my course doesn't teach it doesn't mean I cant go out find things and learn it relating to my study. Yeah he has a point and I guess it makes sense but the problem is nothing that I have learnt in university has been any use. All the readings and all that are just useless. 3 weeks of being out a school, I have used nothing I've learnt other than lesson plans, behavioural management strategies and maybe in some areas of understanding your students. But understanding your students didn't required me to know about the readings and all that crap it related more to me being empathetic to students understanding their situation and accommodating my lesson to my students needs. What you need as a teacher isn't all knowledge it is about understanding your students, being empathetic, listening and supporting your students only then are you able to teach your students effectively. Once you know your students you are able to modify lesson that best suit the students in your class and my dad doesn't understand that. he thing knowledge makes you a better teacher and I just don't think that is what I need.

But hey he will never understand nor listen so why bother right? Anyway enough of my short rant. It is time to continue my work. :)

BAD THOUGHTS

Have you ever thought about how you would feel if one of your parents died? I mean it isn't a good thing to think about but at times I do. When I picture my dad dying and me attending his funeral... I feel nothing no tears and some reason a bit of relief in thinking that my mum would have a better life... But when my mum leaves... I can feel tears already welling up and I just wonder how I'm gonna have to deal with my dad when she is gone cause she was always the one helping me through it...

I have no feelings or respect for my dad... is that bad???

I will stand up for what I believe in.

Another rant about something I hate about my dad. He has not heart like honestly no heart, I bet you he could watch someone get killed in real life and not even be scared.

Animals have a life, feel pain and probably even have feelings like ourselves that we probably don't even know about. All animals are precious and we humans are still animals. We maybe a little bit more intellectual but we are animals in our DNA we like every animals on this earth have all evolved from a single cell organism. Our lives are not worth more or less then any other animal and I hate to hear or see any animal get mistreated.

So, on to the main point I wanted to talk about was how my dad treated a guest in our family. Our family friend's ask us to help them take care of their dog while they are in china and we accepted it but my dad, that heartless animal treats is as a mere ... bug... (cant really say bug cause technically it is still an animal...but u get the point). To avoid our visitor dog, to come near he is willing to kick it and place fire near him just so he won't come close to him. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT? This dog has long fur and u don't know if you could set one on fire especially when u had alcohol. You say you know what your doing but you also say u cant move cause you drank alcohol. If you cant move then you can almost burn this dog and honestly this isn't our dog if it dies you gonna have to repay them with something. Like seriously how cold hearted can you be and selfish. I just hate seeing dogs get hurt...

I worry if I ever moved out that lady would be in harms way. I can bear to see her get kick out or hurt in anyway. it just isn't right you can not treat an animal like this. JUST AHHH...

see... my dad... sigh I don't know what to say about him, so much hate for the things he do but I can't hate him cause there a couple of good he does for me like bribing and well he is my father. But I just... I have no feelings towards him... none and I'm scared what it could mean...

Suffocating Here

I'm so confused, so lost and not sure what I am doing is a good idea or not. I'm just suffocating at home cause I can't cope with the feeling of being trapped. Hate being scared of coming home late and scared what my parents or gonna say or do. But I am also worried that if I move out I lose my relationship with my mum and scared how I will affect my mum and Lady. But I really don't know how I can handle living here anymore.

Due to all the pressure right now, I feel like I am sinking in to a big depression, I have considered suicide just to escape all this but still having a little bit of rational thought I know that it isn't the best solution. But thinking of death is not scary anymore which is quite concerning cause usually I am terrified. Through all this, I have no feelings towards my dad whatsoever and I know I shouldn't feel this way but I can't say I love him cause there a things I really despise about him and I can't say I hate him cause he never really do anything terrible directly at me only to the people I love around me including my mum and my sister.

This family has long been broken but I am like that tape that stick the remaining pieces together but you know it comes to a point where the tape just lost its strength and everything starts to crumble. I can't handle been stuck in this family. I wanna go out and live my own life and not be held back. I don't wanna be scared or worried or fear or feel depressed for not being able to live my life. I spent an hr in the showering tearing up and crying cause I don't know what I can do or sure do and what I want to do. What is wrong with me right now? I even pressured and fought with a friend out of desperation, I just cant do this anymore. I cant, I need an escape. . .

Closed Off

Sigh... feeling a little strange recently, and distant from everyone but im not sure if it is cause of me or not. However i must admit that i feel like being alone alot recently, i just want to be home in my bed watching youtube and hide under my blanket, never to come out. Usually i would be happy to and excited to meet my friends but today i just didnt feel up for it and dont feel any enjoyment at work even though it might seem like i do.

I dont understand myself but the funny thing is only one person on this earth i am willing to get close with at this point of time  thats is my babe, my love. I would rather hide in the blanket with him then alone. He makes me feel better and forget all my troubles. But i still dont know what is exactly bothering me... i have a feeling it is something to do with my family and Ling... but i just cant put my finger on it... why i am so closed off and so depressed... dont understand...

Can I be honest?

I don't know if I have lost touch with myself or we both just slowly changed but... I feel distant with you and sometimes I feel like we cant agree with each other like we used to. it only started when you were away and ever since u return... thing just feels different... sigh... am I gonna lose my closest friend??? I dont know anymore...

Organising my thoughts.

Been meaning to post this in a long time. There have been things bother me for a while. One issue was the perspective people view my BF, no one likes to hear that there bf is crap or has all these problems unless well if u yourself are having doubts and thoughts about what ur own bf. See I feel that after ranting to my best friend about my problems with my bf, I feel like I left a bad impression of my bf to my best friend. There are things I see that I agree with what she said but she will never she all the good that I see in him and maybe cause I never say so but it bothers me that I have ruined my best friends view of my bf cause he isn't always selfish, a hypocrite or irresponsible in immature. Then again her view of independence is so different to how I view it.

Sigh... at times I wish I never ranted to my best friend about my bf because now I feel bad about my bf cause there are the good things that my friends will see and I probs never mention. Please don't judge my boyfriend from our problems because it is a bias view, my view and I don't think it is all that trustworthy anyway cause I don't remember everything that happens in an argument usually.

I love my boyfriend for everything he does and I never want him to change. I don't even care about his weight, I mean yeah he should lose the weight for his own health but I really don't care about it. As long as he can be happy and we can be happy that what matters? Sigh... to my best friend if what are judging him from the problems we have that I told u about then please don't cause I don't believe that is right. I would probs say things that make him seem worse then he really is cause at that point of time I am feeling upset about him and of course I would tend to make the situation look like it was all his problem but in actual fact the problem lies in both us.

Another thing is to the same best friend... I am sorry that you are thinking that I am ruining ur reputation in front of my friends but to be honest I never thought that it would be so important. Because I personally don't care if my friends trash my name in front of their parents because, not to be rude, I don't care what your parent think of me cause it is important. All I care about is howmy friends view me and how they see me not your parents. But hey if that is what worries you and is important to you then I will make sure not to use your name in front of my parents, however feel free to use my name for an excuse I wont mind at all.

I had another thing I wanted to talk about but I forget what it was on about but I know it is related to my bf... but I guess I can discuss this another time...