Suffocating Here

I'm so confused, so lost and not sure what I am doing is a good idea or not. I'm just suffocating at home cause I can't cope with the feeling of being trapped. Hate being scared of coming home late and scared what my parents or gonna say or do. But I am also worried that if I move out I lose my relationship with my mum and scared how I will affect my mum and Lady. But I really don't know how I can handle living here anymore.

Due to all the pressure right now, I feel like I am sinking in to a big depression, I have considered suicide just to escape all this but still having a little bit of rational thought I know that it isn't the best solution. But thinking of death is not scary anymore which is quite concerning cause usually I am terrified. Through all this, I have no feelings towards my dad whatsoever and I know I shouldn't feel this way but I can't say I love him cause there a things I really despise about him and I can't say I hate him cause he never really do anything terrible directly at me only to the people I love around me including my mum and my sister.

This family has long been broken but I am like that tape that stick the remaining pieces together but you know it comes to a point where the tape just lost its strength and everything starts to crumble. I can't handle been stuck in this family. I wanna go out and live my own life and not be held back. I don't wanna be scared or worried or fear or feel depressed for not being able to live my life. I spent an hr in the showering tearing up and crying cause I don't know what I can do or sure do and what I want to do. What is wrong with me right now? I even pressured and fought with a friend out of desperation, I just cant do this anymore. I cant, I need an escape. . .