Anxiety begins.

I was talking to D.H today and our conversation had sort of depressed myself. It was sort of a personal conversation. We talk about Ling and his situation as D.H is a family friend of his and their parents had communicate today. The things she told me gave me the indication that I might not be able to contact him for a while. This was the worry I had last week and the thing that depressed me. I can be strong. I can try and last a long period of time not being able to contact her. But waiting is a pain. 

I don't know what would happen if I can't contact him or see him until after HSC. I know I would miss him so much. (>.<) But no matter what there is one day this year that I have to see him on. No excuse. It is a must. At least I hope, I can otherwise it would be the most depressing thing. 

Other things that worry me. . . is the HSC my marks are not what I was aiming for and I know this time I didn't work hard enough. I know I could have done better. My results is so going to affect my HSC mark. Would I even be able to get the marks I want for University? Maybe I end just being a nurse following a path I don't want to go and living a miserable hard life. Sounds about right. I never really able to get one simple thing in life. I have experience many happy memories but one thing I had always wanted to experience and see would never come true. 

I know there is a saying nothing is impossible but this one is. I think I have mention this before but I have never seen my parents acting cute and lovey dovey with each other. Not once in my life. Never see them kiss. Never seen them Hug. Never seen them say anything sweet or cute to one another. Is that normal? There is people out there who like me have never seen this in their life. I wish I could just once would make me happy. 

I just got so much on my mind. So much depressing things going around in my head. I know it would blow over and I know there is people who is in a worse situation. 

I only have one goal in my life now. I want to be able to find the right guy, who wants the same thing I do that happy family where we can live peaceful with each other. I want to find the guy that could share my dream of having that happy family that I was could never fully experience as a child. If I achieve this one simple goal in life, then I would be happy. I don't want to fall into the same life as my mother. I don't want to suffer like my mum. Is that possible for me? Well in this case nothing is impossible. Lets hope for the best. I just can't see that hope at the moment. 

Wanna cry but holding it in. Can't let it out. I won't let it out. I will be strong. I need to. Can't be dependent, anymore. I need to learn to take care of myself. BE STRONG~ But I will just be weak for a few more minutes. (no crying though.)