What happens after the storm blows past?

So much things has happened last night and like a storm it all blows over. However one thing is still left in the remains the destruction caused by the violent storm.

Well what is left behind is the fear and worries of what is to come. I wish that this calm serenity can remain while the lion is away. What I fear is more arguments would follow after such events that has happened the past night. The lion rest in his den still seeing red. The silent cheers of peace befalls the household however only to feel the fear of what may follow when the lion returns after his long day of hunting.



The Lion as I have mentioned in a few of my other blogs is my dad. He stands tall and listens to no one no matter if what he says is wrong or not. Everything has to go his way. Last night both my parents were still angry about the argument before. My dad seems to be looking for more fight while my mum decided to stay silent and ignore everything my dad was saying. Thankfully this brings a little peace for me however now I fear that once he returns he would again begin his rage. I don't want to go through yesterday again. I want this household to have a peaceful environment. What wishful think though I lived through this my whole life. Hoping that this would all end and my parents will finally stop there bickering.

After this storm not only does fear remain but the power for me to start growing up. Excepting that this is my family that I can't choose to have a peaceful family but I can now deal with it. I need live my own life no matter how much argument about my future may rise I would not back down from what I really want to do (which I have no idea yet). I will choose my own future and I will leave this place for one that shall give me the peace that I have longed for. But for now, I must deal with it and watch out for what is to come.

Lets pray that once the Lion returned, the peace will still remain.

Who should I believe? Who knows me better?

I was hoping to have peaceful dinner however it wasn't at all peaceful. My parents are discussing about my education since I had mention that my maths tutor is unable to teach me at the current moment and might or might not start teaching next year. 

My parents are discussing about tutoring class and if individual teaching or class teaching is better. They both have opposite view and everything. My mum believes that an individual teacher is better than a large class a small class is ok as well. My dad thinks that if a teacher is teaching a larger class is a better teacher which lead to what I have to do in the future. Once again my dad want think I am more suitable for nursing while my mum thinks otherwise. So far my options are either nursing what  my dad suggested , teaching what my mum suggested, engineering what my sister suggested or commerce/accounting which is what my sister did in uni. This doesn't bother me cause I am given a wide view of my options and what is good for me. However what I hate and angers me the most is that fact my dad has believes that all I am can do is nursing nothing else. He doesn't think that I have the ability to teach or the ability to do any other occupation in the entire world. 

I hate my dad point of view. I hate how he thinks that I have no ability. I know that I have no good qualities but I though parents are meant to support you and believe in you. What kind of parent is he? He does not know how to be a good father and that is how he got my sister to hate him so much. He is not a good husband otherwise there wouldn't be so much consistent argument. He is not a good man cause he doesn't have any good qualities. NONE. 

I feel like am useless. I feel like I can do nothing and you know what slowly I am believing that I am able to do nothing in my life. I can't do anything. Maybe he is right. I can't do anything and maybe all my future holds is being a nurse that I know in my heart that I don't want to pursue in my future. I don't know anymore. 

I HATE THIS FEELING. WHY MUST THIS STUPID LION RUIN EVERYTHING? WHY MUST HE BRING ALL THIS NEGATIVE THOUGHTS INTO MY HEAD? WHY CAN"T YOU GUYS LET ME DECIDED MY OWN FUTURE? AS THIS IS MY LIFE THAT I HAVE TO GO THROUGH NOT YOU NOT ANYONE ELSE AROUND ME? 

I need an escape. Someone take me away from this horrid place and never let me return. I don't want to feel useless. I don't want to feel like I can't do anything. But now I really think I can't do anything. 

I Want To Escape~~~

Boring life.

I haven't posted anything recently. Why cause there is nothing to post about? I don't have anything to do in the holidays.  All I ever done, is go on my computer and watch videos and once or twice a week I would go out with my friends. That is how my holidays usually end up being, of course this holiday I want to study and prepare for the last year of high school.

I look around me and it seems like that everyone else has something they have to do this holidays. But for me I have nothing. I have no life, nothing to really look forward to except the outings I have with my friends. I wish I could have something interesting to do other than just spend my time at home playing on my laptop or studying when I can. I need to find something interesting to do.

I have also been reading a few of my friends blog as well and so much sadness has been expressed through the blogs. I wish somehow I could be there from them. Stay be there side and make them smiles as much as I can. I don't really know how I can cheer someone up but for some what I do seems to work not everyone though. I really wish I could be with them when they are in need whether I be of any help would be a different matter. But if I never tried I would never know.

Anyway the point is I go to find a hobby or something interesting to occupy my time more wisely and I want my friends to know that they have my support.

(I think this is just a random post. But I have nothing to do and I felt like posting something so yeah :P)

End Of Year 11

Today, we have a Mufti Day in school and it is also my official last day of being a year 11 student as next term we would move on to HSC work (>~<). I don't think I ready for it yet.

Anyway, since today we finished half an hour early and to have one last time to have fun after school my friends and I left to eat a late lunch. There were five of use including, E.W, M.V, R.S, Rebecca and I.

We had Vietnamese food which was delicious and while I was waiting for everyones food I had took a photo of what had already arrived on our table though I forgotten to take photo of the ones after they all came. But oh well.

After lunch, we decided to go to Morning Glory and take photos which was quite difficult as we had quite a few people and very little room to move around in. But we survived and it was very fun. One more thing I saw that cute teddy bear again and gave it a big hug before having to leave it once more. SO CUTE~~~ I have a very big love for soft toys/plushies. 

This is brief overview, kind of to tired to go in great detail. But it was a great day and I had lost of fun with my wonderful and beautiful Friends. 

Have fun in the holidays and be prepared for year 12 next term. Good Luck!!!

The Prettiest and Fullest Moon

From my previous blog, we know that it is the Mid-Autumn Festival. Well I was eating dinner which is slightly different today. There was this kind of long bread type thing which I hadn't had for ages, ahh so many good memories.

Anyway, I wanted to just go outside and enjoy the view of the moon therefore, I walked out and watch the stars and the moon and felt so relaxing though I couldn't stay long being out by myself thinking never ends well unless I have no worries which is a rare situation. Though I did attempt to take a picture of the moon which didn't turned out as I hoped but not bad I guess.

The Moonlight in between the street lights

The Moon is the bright white light while the two next to it is the street lights which happened to be in different colours. it is quite cool. 3 different colour lights shining together. 

Oh well, everyone you must go out and take a look at the moon it is really beautiful today. 

Chinese Mid-Autumn Festival.

So, today is the annual celebration of the Chinese Mid-Autumn Festival or what I used to call it the Lunar Festival or Moon Cake Festival. I remember this morning but didn't think to much of it. At school I was asking some of my chinese friends to confirm that I didn't remember wrong and today we in fact the Chinese Mid-Autumn Festival. I happen to be correct and I found out that we celebrate this day one because today has the most beautiful and fullest moon throughout the whole year. My mum though told me we celebrate to so we can gather together as a family though I honestly think that isn't such a great idea. 

Anyway, since today was a thursday I had to go to maths tutoring, I was going to be alone this time but then Rebecca was willing to accompany me. I was kind of depressed most of the afternoon for various reasons one including some marks I got back which I did so bad in. Anyway, I had spent a great time with Rebecca before parting with her and going maths tutoring. It so happened that I don't have maths tutoring today which I would have known if I actually gone to maths tutoring last week. (:P)  Oh well, 

So A.Z and I decided to spend the 2 hours outside before going home however after my mum knowing that I don't need to go she told me to come home early so we can celebrate together and go out for dinner. She allowed me to stay out for a while but not the whole 2 hours and unfortunately there was another change of plans that we were not going out to eat as my mum had to work tonight. But I really enjoy spend that 1 hour with A.Z as we haven't spend time with each other for so long it was good to catch up and converse like we use to I missed those days. A.Z's mum had also brought over some moon cakes that are meant to be kept in the fridge and I though this one looks interesting it would taste nice but once I took a bite I remember why I never really liked eating moon cakes. Though moon cakes are not that bad in a way, there just not something I would like to eat. 

Oh well over it has been a great yet slightly depressing day. Great cause I spent time with my wonderful friends depressing well u know one of the reasons already T^T. 

Anyway, 

Happy Mid-Autumn day. 

中秋节 快乐。

Let see, how long has it been?

I wonder, what today's date is??? Ahh I remember, the 18th. Hehehe

It has been exactly 5 months since I have been dating and next month would be the 6's  which come to think of it would be a very money spent month considering that I have lots of present I need to buy for the special people around me.

Can you believe it 5 months already? 5 months!?!?!? ^v^ Remembering back to that day. Remembering every single thing that has happened makes me smile uncontrollably which probably to my mum seem a little crazy. But oh well.

Over these 5 months, so many things has happened. so many changes yet one thing that would has and will remain the same is that I Love You, Ling. Not to mention been missing you a lot recently and now that prelims are over for both of us. I just hope we can talk more often and see each other more often, though some internet has been getting in our way. =.= well nothing I can really do about that.

Nothing else is really need to say now but

I Love You

I Miss You 

I Need You 

and so much more that I don't think I should type :P 

hehe >v<

Choose a Side. . . NEVER (secretly I have)

I HATE IT. I HATE IT. 

I HATE IT. I HATE IT. 

I HATE IT. I HATE IT. 

I HATE IT. I HATE IT. 

I HATE IT. I HATE IT. 

I HATE IT. I HATE IT.

I don't like choosing sides. I actually hate choosing sides. For one I am already someone who is so indecisive which makes it very difficult choose things as it is. But the was part is I don't want to make either side angry or upset. I don't understand how yesterday I could enjoy a conversation with my dad which is a rare situation but today I just wanted escape. I wanted to run away. My dad must be in a bad mood or something but kept saying how my mum is not a good mum cause she doesn't like to cook. I don't think so and really I believe that she is the best mum in the world but I don't want to say it cause I know that he would get upset and angry. So I stay quite but . . . *sigh* he wanted me to agree with him and got angry at me for not choosing a side or more like angry that I am not saying I'm on his side.

My dad keeps telling how my mum is so bad and what is worse what he said after. He told me in china that there is a tradition that a wife is meant to be obedient to the husband. I seriously wanted rage at this cause what kind of stupid tradition is that. This might to some be very feminist but seriously what kind of age are we in now. Why do a wife have to be obedient? My dad made it sound like a wife is like a child that have to listen to the man of the house. I hate that though. I hate what he said. I don't want to be offensive to my own culture but that tradition is STUPID and for I don't even think that rule even exist in this age now. Times have changed.

My dad had also told me that my mum can talk as in she can make something sound really reasonable when it isn't reasonable at all. But really my mum has good reason and it is my dad who has no reason and cause he believe he is always correct even when he is wrong he gets angry. What is worst about the conversation this might not be word for word but from what I understand he says my dog is more obedient than my mum. What the heck is that about? I mean seriously. I can't believe he even compared my mum with a dog. Ok I am completely for animal equality but we all know that humans have a more logical thinking than any animal. But that isn't the point my mum should have a say at what she believes in. She should be able to stand up for herself and be put down to that level.
WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS!?!?!?!?!?!?

I am so pissed. I am pissed that my dad wants me to choose a side. I am pissed that my dad thinks that my mum has to be obedient.  I am pissed at the way he even just talks about my mum. I am pissed that he thinks that he status in the family is like a master and his dog. I am freaken angry at the fact that I have such a dad. I hate it. I know I am choosing a side now which I said I hate but I hate is revealing my side to anyone cause I want to just sit on the fence I might think which side I am on but I DON'T WANT TO BE PULLED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CONVERSATION AND CHOOSE A FREAKEN SIDE.

*breathe*

I need to calm down before I explored my rage out at someone innocent. But I HATE THE WAY MY DAD THINKS. HE HAS NO REASON.
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Can't Hear Anything

I can't hear anything cause I am listening to music, I don't want to hear what is around me right now.
All I can hear is the music I am listening to.

The music would definitely ease everything I feel right now.

Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine.

EVERYTHING IS SO NOT FINE~~~ That fear is back (>~<)

Lets Celebrate~~~

Yay~~~ Prelim Exams are over for me. I can party and play and celebrate and do what ever I want. Though I should really get started on more study for year 12 but you know what until next week comes I am just going to have fun. I will try my best to start work next week. I think I deserve a little rest. :P

So after my last exam today, I wanted have a let celebration so with my friends Rebecca, M.V, D.H and A.S joined us for a while before leaving. The 4 of us eat at the thai restaurant near our school before I we left for home but I didn't want to go home. D.H left to catch her bus and I ended up dragging Rebecca to my stop and M.V Rebecca and I wonder around the station. We went to Morning Glory and I revisited this cute teddy bear I really like but couldn't afford to by or I could but really it is expensive. But it is so cute and huggable just the right size to cuddle with. I love it so much. I really really wish I could buy it but for one I know if i buy my mum wouldn't be very happy about it.
But still. . . Though I did take a picture of it for memory hehe.

Isn't It Cute?

Anyway I later when on a soft toy frenzy and took pictures of all the soft toys in the store which the workers where watching me think "what the hell is this girl doing?" That is exactly what they were think cause they asked each other about it and Rebecca over heard (>~<). Oh well I am just a little child inside. After taking photos in the shop, we finally decided to go home. I made the decision to try and play my piano again by playing a song I wanted to play for a while ago. The song is called "Endless Love" from the movie myth I think. I know it is a chinese movie and I never watched cause it doesn't look like something I would be interested in by the song is really good. I record my playing I paused a fair bit but I am still learning so yeah. So please dont criticise. I would say that I am not a very good pianist and not something I would pursue in the future. I know that my friend, D.H,  would be able to play this so much better than I can. But oh well hope this is good enough. . . oh and this is only like the first 3 lines of the song I haven't learnt the whole song yet.

Enjoy. . . Hopefully and sowwie for pausing so many times  >~<

Btw I just add random cherry blossom pictures I found from the internet cause I don't know what else to put in the video and I do like cherry blossoms (^.^)

So Happy~~~

Hehe, I am feeling so happy now. Today I have been feeling. . . weird I guess. I talk random jibberish but I been in quite a good mood so nothing really can get me down except the lion but today was good. I have been on a call with Rebecca for over an hour and a half. During this conversation we have laughed a lot and joke around so much.

I love her so much. Rebecca has been with all the tough times I have and being with me in all the good times too. Through my entire life I have never had a friend like Rebecca, I can open up to her about anything and everything even the most embarrassing things I would still be able to tell her. I know I could trust her. I know that when I need someone she would be there. I know that our friendship is beyond imaginable. I know that Rebecca is the best person on this earth. She is the greatest friend I could ever ask for.

Rebecca, I Love You So Very Very Much (of course as a friend, nothing else. someone else has take that part hehe~~~) But anyway. I really want to let Rebecca know how important she is too me and how much I appreciate our friendship and every moment we have together is so special and wonderful and unforgettable.

Thank you Rebecca.

When the Lion returns home.

When the Lion returns in which I mean my father, the house is turned upside down. Not always I must admit but often. Today, the minute my dad step in the door, I could hear arguments breaking out and I am trying to study upstairs. It is just so distracting.

My dad is just like a lion, when angering it brings shockwaves of unimaginable things that would take place. On good days when the lion is calmer, the house is at peace a bit more what is better is when the Lion is not at home. The atmosphere immediately lifts and the house hold becomes a much happier place. No arguments, No distractions. Just peace and quiet. A warm wonderful home. My mum had once told me that "Every time it is close to the time he comes home, I start to stress and the house becomes or tense" in fact she had told me this more than once. ( I don't actually know if I translated this right but it is basically what she is trying to point out)

Why must arguments take place the moment he comes home? I use to be able to block it out but I fear that this is slowly beginning to fade once again. I don't want to break down like I did before I am scared to go back to state once more and worried that my friends will get worried again. I rely on them to much and don't give enough back.

I need to find a way to block these arguments out again cause I don't want to feel that worry for my parents and the fear that something horrible would happen. I experienced it too many times before. I shall go back try block things out and concentrate on my studies. *phew* I think I am calming down a little bit after this rant.

Lets hope the tonight would be a peaceful one.

Want to Fly 想飞

Have you ever seen your parents act all lovey dovey in front of you? Or hear them saying sweet things too each other that might either make you think how cute or brings shivers down your back? I never experienced this kind of feeling so I really don't know what reaction occurs when your parents are all sweet and lovey dovey to each other.

Since I was young I wanted to just say that kind of scene or kind of hoped that there is still something between my parents. But over the years I gradually excepted the fact that I would never be able to see such a scene. All I will ever see is either them discussing about important matters, arguing, complaining, or just talking about random things that slowly ends up with an disagreement somewhere along the line. Come to think of it I have never seen my parents even kiss not even on the fore head of check.

Maybe I am just thinking to much and that when I am not around they have such moments but I have been thinking that many times before. It just becomes less and less convincing each time. I envy those with a happy family, those who are able to see the love between there parents. You can't choose your family.

Though I can choose who I would love and the friends I have. They are like a completely different family where I can see the love and care between each other. I am able to feel the happiness that it brings me unlike being at home when I am always fearing for when I need to start blocking out noises from my surroundings. During those times I just want to fly. I want to fly away from this family and soar into the sky where I won't hear the constant arguing and the freedom I would have up there. I want to fly to avoid hearing threats that worries me till the next day. I starting to able to handle and block out there arguments since my big emotional blow up a few months ago. But it is never feels good to know that out there they are arguing about something that could lead to something unthinkable.

I always fear the results of each argument, I just hope that over time these arguments would decrease and I can live a happy family life just like the life I have with my friends and boyfriend. Though even that doesn't come with no arguments or worries but at least there is more happiness, love and care then anything else.

What is the point of studying Maths???

This week is the start of my Prelim exams and so I have decided to concentrate completely on my study though, I can't say I have cause I have procrastinated but that different. But, today I was so close to crying cause. . . EXTENSION MATHS IS SOOOO HARD!!! I kind of want to swear but I don't like swearing so I would not use such language but. Today's extension maths exam was. . . AHHH~~~ I just wanted to scream. I couldn't do the last question at all and a few parts of other question that I got stuck on. This time I am going to fail my exam and move further down in rank. I was ranked 7th in 13 people then I dropped to 9th this time I probably drop to like last place. The test was a nightmare. I wished I study more though I did study to 12:10 but then again I did go watch a movie (though it was worth watching the movie ^.^).

I wish I could just drop ext maths, but unfortunately that would be more pain to me then just dealing with it. As growing up in a chinese family, my parents pushes me to do ext maths if I don't well then here comes a lot of yelling and telling you how bad you are and that you won't get a job and it goes on and on. Hearing that over and over again isn't pleasant, so suffering with maths is actually better than getting a long lecture that would replay the next day though if you don't do well then you get the same outcome (=.=). That's just life. But seriously what would maths get me. You probably never use it ever again like things about trigonometry, parametric. . . I can't remember anything else actually and really I don't want to cause it just reminds me that I did SO bad.

You know I can't be bother even ranting about how stupid maths is and how bad I did anymore I am just tired now. Didn't get enough sleep though I know a few of my friends had even less sleep than I did, so I won't complain, but I am going to sleep for a bit. so Goodnight everybody and Good Luck to anyone else out there doing extension 1 or 2 for year 12 maths. I should also wish everyone with theor prelims coming up or are in the middle of prelims. So Good Luck Everyone.
(off to sleep =o= zZzZzZzZ)

Uni Open day~

I am going to try and make this brief, cause I am so tired, physically and mentally. So today, I had changed tutor times so that I could go and visit Sydney University and UTS open day as I wished to learn more about the course I may want to undertake once I graduate high school.

So the day begin with meeting up, with my friends at central around 9:00a.m. I was the first person to arrive which I am quite happy about since I don't like making other people wait for me and I don't mind waiting for them. Anyway, I had wear these boots that were kind of high and my friends pick up on that immediately and started questioning me about it. I said I am fine and I won't complain if anything really happens and I kept that until it was close to the end of the day. But honestly I don't have any shoes that are good for long walks and tours like converse shoes. In fact, I don't exactly like these shoes and I don't really understand why, I know they are fashionable now and everyone wears one but for some reason I just don't want one and never really cared about it. Well, now I think I need one cause gosh I can't take high heels shoes anymore I have decided that I would never wear heels unless it is for a formal event or something that doesn't involve a lot of walking (I doubt I really never wear it actually but for now I won't be wearing for quite some time). I am going to get one of those converse shoes and from now on I would either wear that or flats and I don't care if I don't look tall cause. . . mieh just can't be bother caring about it right now.

Anyway, moving on. Rebecca, D.H and I first began at UTS touring around the nursing faculty, towards the main building for the business and other courses around that area (for me was education) and a tour around campus. We had receive free water, fairy floss and ice cream from this open day which was great we also wanted to get food from there but there was such a long line that we decided to by food instead. The 3 of us walked towards Broadway to a restaurant that I have previously been around about 3 times. Along the way I saw Ling with his sister but he didn't want me to say anything therefore I just smiled and kept walking. D.H and Rebecca didn't notice him. We had ate ALOT at the restaurant (Hehe^.^) We all had order our own thing and share it among ourselves. I got Spaghetti, Rebecca got a rump steak??? (Not sure how to spell this) and D.H got a Moroccan Lamp Wrap. The 3 of us share the 3 dishes and once we finished Rebecca and I were still hungry and therefore order another Spaghette however D.H was already full. I am surprised that I could eat so much today.

After lunch, we went to Sydney University and tried to go to place D.H wanted to go however we had already missed all of them. We decided to leave Sydney University even though I could have stayed behind and check out the education course since I haven't missed out but I didn't want to be only plus I am so tired from walking. D.H left earlier and Rebecca and I decided to go to galaxy world and had detoured to Capital square. We had lots of fun we photos, Bumper cars, Techno game, the strength testing game and the button hitting game (the one similar to the World Hardest Game). It was a lot of fun. Though I had seriously tired myself out, physically and mentally I was trying to with stand the pain from my feet.

Tonight, my sister had invited my mum and I to eat at this hot pot place therefore I decided to go straight to her house before going to the restaurant. I took me awhile to get to her house since I was so tired and exhausted from walking but I did see a cute cat outside her house and began playing with it. At my sisters house we just watched T.V while I finally was able to rest and relax until we had to leave and get to the restaurant. Isaac was also there at her house and as we spent the time watching movies. Isaac and my sister where just kind of teasing each and other. It has been a long time I have seen them like this cause I rarely ever see Isaac in the first place. They are such a cute couple together and it has been around about 5 years since they have been dating. So long yet still so cute (^.^).

Anyway getting to the hot pot restaurant was tiring as I had to walk again. But the food was delicious which we had to wait awhile before we got a table as there were quite a few people there. My mum was also quite embarrassing as she started to argue about having to wait and so forth. My sister was trying to pretend she doesn't know her and I was trying to do the same though I just wanted to seat and relax and sleep.

Overall my day was great other than the pain that still remains in my legs and feet. I feel happy, full and  so very very tired.

btw I realised I gained weight one I check my sisters scale today, (^.^) to many this is weird but I am skinny like underweight so this is a good thing. I used to be around about 42-43 kg and now I am 44-45kg. Goal is to maintain being 45kg and I would be happy. I won't complain though I don't think being 45kg for me is actually normal weight, I probably need to be 50kg but oh well 45kg is fine since I have been aiming for it for so long.

Tiring yet Great Day