I have no idea what I am feeling or what I am thinking cause really there is a mixture of all. I feel depressed and insecure but then I have a neutral feeling on top of that I do feel happy and none of these emotion match up, it is just getting me all confused.
Ok, I will start from the start. Today is my maths tutoring day therefore I need to stay until 4:00 before going to tutoring with my friend, A.Z. Well, today Rebecca joined me and M.V was going to join us later as she was able to go home early therefore meeting us in at Strathfield. Like last week, I saw Ling and caught the train with him however he didn't accompany me to Strathfield which seems fair since these weeks would be quite busy cause of the prelim exams coming up.
Anyway, on the train as it drew near the station, Ling had mention the picture that he had told me a couple of days before but was unwilling to show me. Rebecca asked to see it which he agreed and showed it to her for a few seconds. This kind of upset me as I was curious and come to think of it I wouldn't really be happy to see it either but I still want to see it but. . . Anyway, I was feeling upset and unhappy and it happened that the train has arrived at the station that I need to get off at. I walked out without looking back at Ling and he was trying to cheer me up and say that he would show me next time. Ling had his arm around me while I was walking out but my mood took control over me and I just didn't want to look back. I just wanted to get out of the train. I kind of wish I didn't do it but another part of me just says you were upset sounds reasonable, but honestly I feel bad and wish I didn't react the way I did. (I would get back to this feeling later).
So getting off the train, I walked down the ramp with Rebecca and C.t behind us as she was with us during that train ride. Rebecca commented that she was hot. This further annoyed me or rather started to make me worry and feel slightly insecure though I seem to always feel insecure. Anyway, I just walked away from both of them and Rebecca was just being honest I probably shouldn't have reacted that way either. I realised this once I reach the bottom of the ramp and decided to just forget for the meantime and just try to enjoy the rest of the day. I put on happy and positive attitude until I parted with Rebecca as she had to go to the bank while I decided to buy a drink and food before meeting back up with her and M.V. Ling had texted me and again telling me he would show me the picture next time we go out. At first I didn't answer until later he texted "But for now focus on maths" that is when I decided to text back. I told him I don't think I can which he later replied "then to bad". I decided at that time, that I don't want to care about it anymore therefore telling him I dont care anymore which was responded by "thats good." However I know that I can't not care about this cause that is what I do I over think things.
The rest of the afternoon spent with Rebecca and M.V was great and I had fun. We had gone to a restaurant where M.V and Rebecca ordered food while I decided not to as I didn't have time. Though I did take some kimchi which was chilli but surprisingly I could take it (YAY ^.^). I can stand chilli now. . . I think.
Maths tutoring wasn't good at all, I was distracted about the events that had happened and I was feeling quite tired. I also had to worry about the weird dude that kept turning his head slightly so he can look at me from the corner of his eyes which I caught he a few times. (sigh =.=). I also found out his name is Jack and as I thought he does go to Ling's school but this weird Jack guy is a junior. Anyway, I was happy towards the end of tutoring as both Alice and Rebecca who had texted me made me feel lightened up. Though now leading in my state of confusion of emotions.
I am still upset about not seeing this photo of this apparently hot and pretty asian girl Rebecca had told me. However, I understand why Ling didn't show me cause I know I would still be unhappy maybe not as much as I felt not seeing it maybe more. Not sure. I understand that if I see this photo it would definitely make me feel insecure but I still feel insecure whether I see it or not. I actually feel insecure even if I don't know about this. I always feel insecure. *breathe out*
Alright, maybe this isn't a big deal. . . IT STILL MAKES ME WORRIED AND INSECURE!!!
Ok. . . I shouldn't care about this everyone has their good qualities. This girl from what I heard is attractive which is a very good quality for her. I do have other good qualities like. . . something or. . . nothing (=.=) yeah probably I have no good qualities what so ever. I am just. . . Damn I need to stop going down this road and putting myself down. Ok. Maybe I can't see my good qualities but other people might be able to. I actually asked my mum about what good qualities I have. Of course I know that parents would never say that you have none or tell your bad qualities. . . actually my mum kind of did. She said my good qualities are also my bad qualities. Well that is just great so I was right (=.=). Anyway, my mum said that I am honest, kind-hearted and friendly which in the opposite effect could cause myself to be used by other people which is what I am most afraid of. I am afraid that someone would use me just for the sake of these qualities of mine. I don't want to be tricked or used cause I take these things to heart. I know I am someone that can be pushed around often not always but often. I want to avoid those who may use me but how do you know they would and how do you know they won't. I trust people until they are proven to be untrustworthy. I DON'T LIKE BEING USED OR TRICK and probably the reason why I get jealous cause I believe that there are people out there better than me and more likeable than me therefore people would rather be with them then me. Which is understandable cause apparently I have no good qualities because they end up just being one of my bad qualities.
Ok, I am going to stop this. Cause you know what I don't want to be down this road again. Been here before and promised I would never go back once I was out. I am going to clear my head. Just think positive thoughts. Be happy and think of all the good times. Just need to be myself again the happy and positive self again. Probably should avoid skype at this stage once I am back I would go on. *breathe*
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