Feeling Under-appreciated

Do people only look at the bad? Can you not see when someone is trying?

I learned in university that you need to praise students for good work or participation or even just trying so they feel appreciated and acknowledge for the work they put in. Therefore, students will feel more motivated to do better and continue to work hard so they can get acknowledge for their work.

I think it is the same for adults if you don't feel like someone appreciate what you are doing, it makes you feel like why am I doing this? What is it achieving? Nothing so why bother? Those kind of feelings if you do appreciate and you don't act on then likely chances that person will end up giving up.

Why am I saying this? Well. . . I forget. . . But I guess I did feel it a bit before. I honestly wanna change and I am trying but I would like some acknowledge meant or some sort so I don't feel like all my effort is just wasting my time.

I know before I tried and then I return back to my old self so this time I am trying to make it last but right now. With everything going on? I just don't feel it is worth my time. But I still wanna try. . . I'm just can't remember why I wanna do it now. . .

I don't understand

I don't know why maybe I just can't see that other side of the story but why does things have to turn out like this. If I call for u on call why don't you answer and yes I got impatient cause who likes to be ignored and I did just want your attention but I hoped you turn down your music a bit cause it was bothering me. What bother me more was you ignored but I feel like you turn it against and told me that my I wouldn't stop talking for like 10 mins cause I was trying to call for me. . . Was I wrong? I wanted attention and I did make noises or frustration and really at first I didn't have anything to say. I don't get it. I just don't get.

We rarely have any decent talks lately you are either asleep when I am wake or you are working when I am sleeping. You are so tired when I am over that we don't do anything cause you are sleeping and what do I do? I let you sleep cause I know you are tired and I just stay there being you little cuddle toy. But you know what I don't wanna spend time with only to just see you are asleep and I wanna do something with you like go out or eat or play or anything. We get roughly 3 days together not even 3 days and half of the time you are asleep. What do you want from me? I don't get it. Why do I feel like I am in the wrong? Maybe I am cause most of the time I am but... I don't get it. I'm not smart enough o figure this out. sigh~~~ nothing is going so well since he got a job. I cried a lot more than usual. I don't know what to do.

Different times. . .

This post is gonna be a little more depressing then the last but you know I realised something. Now that Ling has work and it is all night shifts we don't get a lot of time together. I mean I see him but. . . when I do he is sleeping and when I need to sleep at night he is either awake or at work. and we don't get a lot of time together.

I'm just worried now that when my parents leave for China, it will be the same thing. When he sleeps in the morning while I sleep at night. . . and. . . I'm just very worried. :(

Where did you all go?

Don't know why, but I felt like looking over all videos made by my high school friends and I missed those times. I miss high school when I could spend time with them all time and laugh and just have fun. Now everything is different. Everyone has moved on with their lives and people began to drift away. I honestly missed wish we could all still be together be things change and we all just started move apart.

I am so grateful that I still have my best friend from high school still walking along side me. I wish that we can still be best friends until the end and when she does read this, I hope that she is well and that she is feeling as happy as I am. . . (Well, I'm not exactly happy cause of assignments but still)

I miss you guys and hope you are all well. ^.^

Pain snaps u out

Sometimes pain is a relief. The only thing that seem to completely make me calm down from breaking down is physical pain. He had to take away the rare few nights that i get with him. My heart, my mind just crumbled.  My sadness got the better of me and couldn't hold it and i just cried feeling this overwhelming wave of depression. I had to stop myself from falling to hard and i needed to stop myself. So i clawed my left arm. I scratched my arm till it was red and still sting afterwards no blood though.  After that i felt calmer and writing up this blog calms me even more.

To be honest i don't know what's wrong with me.  I'm just feeling depressed and some reason everything Ling's doing makes me unhappy. I shouldn't stop him from doing what he wants and i can't. . . What's wrong with me. I cant do this anymore. . . Gosh. . . Alright i gotta go distract myself.  I cant let him know about this cant >~< he can't know I'm dying inside TT^TT

Clumsy to the max

My gosh, not sure if it is karma or that I'm just getting more and more clumsy but I've been hurting myself so much recently. Don't worry not purposely at I think I'm not. . .

Anyway, every since last night I keep bumping into things or scratching myself on rough surfaces and just kicking things accidently and my gosh it hurts. In the past few hours I think I hurt myself about like 10 times already. I feel like its Karma for thinking selfishly or maybe it is just me being to clumsy recently cause I'm kind in a. . . depression mood. . . Not sure but I gotta be careful I think.

Sigh. . . I decided to go back to my creative side and start sewing to past the times when I don't have Ling. Just random thought I had today and random thing I wanna add before I end this post :)

Cried for the first time in a while

I feeling. . . depressed and I guess a little lonely. Even though I spent hours with him it feels like nothing because all I do is lay there playing my on phone games and doing whatever I can to just past the time. I don't wanna be spending my time with him only to be snuggling partner. I love him and I really wanna be able to spend time with as much as possible especially when we are busy but. . .

I understand he is really exhausted from work and I understand that I cant be selfish and not let him sleep just so he can spend time with me but it doesn't mean I cant be a little upset and lonely that all I get is a few hours are week to really just talk to him and hang out with him but most of the hours that I am with him a filled with him sleeping and hugging me like a pillow.

The one thing I look forward to now that he has work is being able to stay on a skype call with all night and I can only do that 2 days a week since he doesn't wanna skype me if he has work or uni the next day and I obviously can't when he is at work so there is really no chance for it now. Yet he forgets today. . . I guess I need to be more understanding but right now I sort of just wanna sulk and feel upset and lonely. . .

I guess I hide this feeling from him cause I don't want him to know about it. He needs me to be understanding and not someone who is only think about herself. I need make it seem as though I am ok and I wanna be able to be there for him. But tonight I think I will just let my feelings out by myself and forget about it the next morning.

Sorry if I been ranting a lot in my blogs I sort need a outlet to all my emotions so I don't end up saying things to Ling or my friends that potential called cause bad things to happen

Left Behind. . .

This is obviously me thinking too much but you know, it as been bothering me. It could be because of my mood swings or just generally that I hate change.

So Ling, got a new job and I guess it was about time that he did. He loves his new job though, he loves the pay, the atmosphere, his new friends. . . collegues. . . I don't know why it bothers me so much in fact I should be happy for him and truth be told I am but I am also hating it too. You see, he works at the Star which is pretty much a casino place and he is training to be a dealer.

What bothers me is he works night shifts and I always hear him tell me about the girls in his team. Part of me like that he tells me these things but the other half is jealous and I am a very jealous person also a little possessive and clingy. . . Maybe a lot actually. I know I need to let him go not worry about him working with these girls but I can't help it.

I wish he didn't sometimes and I wish that I nothing changed but I know I can't wish that and I'm glad he is improving himself. Now that comes down to me. . . I don't have a job anymore and I'm feeling left behind like he is improving and moving into his future while I feel like I am stationary. . . Maybe I'm jealous about him doing something or being able to change while I'm not. . .

Sigh. . . Now reflecting on what I typed up I think I am a little too selfish and self-centred. Hmmmm Alright I guess I need to look at this differently. I am glad that Ling is finally getting somewhere and doing something in his life and I am happy for him. Just hoping he doesn't leave me behind. For me, I gotta get me act together. I will try find a job something with good pay that way I won't be relying on pat cause I don't wanna have to rely on him for money.

Sigh. . . I miss him now. . . :(

Inherited treasures

I have an icon presentation for one of my units at uni, so I was looking through some valuable items my mum has that was passed down to her from my grandmother. A lot of them were real pearls, gems jades and everything and jades are very important.

After a while of looking, I couldn't help myself but ask about the time when my grandmother passed away. I remember back then my mum was on the phone with my grandmother while my mother was in America. Mum told me that my grandmother didn't really say anything and seem to be already a little out of it. I didn't ask any further cause I knew that it would bring up sad memories.

At that time I was still in Australia, and I didn't actually go back to visit my grandparents and it was so unfortunate that my grandmother happened to fall ill and pass away while my mum was out exploring America. Just thinking how she felt on the phone, at the time not be able to see her at her death bed. . .

Sigh. . . I may not have been super close to my grandmother but I miss her and I really don't wanna miss my opportunity to see my grandfather again. I really wanna go meet my grandfather before I don't have the chance anymore. I really really wanna go :( sigh. . . I should stop thinking about it, cause it makes me feel a little upset. sigh I miss you grandpa

Street Smart

I'm not sure what's wrong with me today. But I'm been feeling a little a bit down today and tired which might be affecting my mood however that is not what I wanted to blog about.

I'm just feeling dumb today. Like I can learn intellectual through books, and stuff and do ok in exams but other than that I am pretty dumb. I have zero street smart skills and I'm not that great when it comes to interacting with people. I don't know how I am gonna be able to proceed through life without these skills.

In the world you don't get better jobs or do well in society solely on just being smart and intellectually. It doesn't matter if you Aced your exams or  came first in your class or school. What matters is your first impression and how you present yourself to others. You need to know what to say or what not to say. You need to be smart about everything and choose the best options to get what you want. I just don't have that basic knowledge how to avoid getting n trouble or talking others and I'm just generally not good at all this socialising kind of things.

I don't know because of this I feel dumb like no matter if I even try in uni I feel that if I don't have basic street smarts or social skills I might end up going no where in my life. What do I do? =.= Feeling a little down

No Feelings

Have you ever felt like you cant feel anything? I know I have been depressed to the point I have no feelings but this time. . . It is different I don't think I am depressed maybe I'm just tried but what ever I think about sad or happy I just feel no emotion. Like I feel like a lifeless soul almost.

I wanna talk to Ling about stuff but then cause of what I feel I'm not sure what I say would hurt or not or if I'm just overreacting or over thinking. I feel so messed up with my thoughts and I can't organise them. I don't understand whats happening right now. . . Maybe I'm just too tired. sort of just wanna hide away in a little cave until everything comes back. . . I don't know whats wrong with me right now. . .

Where Am I Going?

Been reading my friends post today and catching up since I haven't been on the blog in a while now. She seems to be so stressed out about her future and goals and to be honest I doubt many people out there even know where they are heading into the future cause you know things change and we change. We need to just live day by day and figure what we want know and not be concerned about what will happen in the future.

Then again, even though I say live in the present and don't think about the future I cant say that I don't think about my future cause truth be told I don't know where I am headed and I'm not even sure if teaching is the correct path for me. I am pretty nervous about going on prac this year but I guess it gives me an idea on how well I hand kids and show me whether I am ready.

I don't know but recently. . . things haven't be going well for me family wise. So much things I should be worrying about but I feel so. . . calm about like nothing is wrong. To be honest everything at home is like the same old things and I'm just so sick and tired of it to even care about it right now.

. . .

Sorry for the randomness in this blog. Just wanted to blog about somethings in my head.