Looking Over A Past

Can you see someone differently if they have changed? After experiencing traumatising events involving a specific person can you still see them differently if they changed?

Maybe I am being stubborn or my mind just cant erase the past but. . . what I seen him do back then would always remain in my head. I can't forgive and forget especially if this person can't completely repent for what he has done. I have no right to forgive and forget when the actually person involved can't do it.

I know many people experienced worst and to be honest I was just a bystander but think about it. As a kid when you see violence in the family what would happen psychologically. How would a young child perceive such events. He broke what could have been a happy family. He never rebuilt what he has destructed nor can the victims forgive him for what he has done. My family will always be torn in pieces.

It is this that makes me distant from him. It is this shattered family that keeps me running from this house. I don't wanna be at home cause I could be happier else where. But to me he is different. Different to the person that tore our family. . . well he still keeps the family apart but he is still different around me. . .

I don't know what I could do. What I should do. . . He confuses me so much. So much I can't grasp just yet. Why can't I piece together the one family I have? Should I just give up on it completely and make my own? Sigh~~~ I don't know

Need to Change

I know usually i post about how much i dislike my dad for all the things his done to everyone else in my family. But i feel guilty recently for being so cold and distant with him. I see him trying so hard to win my affection but what he has done in the past will alwayd be drilled inside my brain. My view of him cant be changed so easily.

But i have to say, i wanna try be a little less cold against and try stop myself from avoiding him too much. He is nice to me and today he did something made me feel. . . Touched and guilty at the same time. Apparently he ran up and down the train station just to give me 2 cakes he brought just so that he could give it to me before my train came. Unfortunately the train i told him i was catching wasnt the one i was actually catching. I was going in the other direction.

Sigh I've been feeling bad today about my relationship with my dad. I wanna change it even though i still see him likei used to but he is nice to me either for selfish reason or not. Regardless of that, he has treated me ok and i need to change my attitude towards him a bit. I think. . .

Feeling Controlled

I didn't sleep well last night, I had a very. . . uncomfortable dream. In the dream I felt control. My whole life and everything I do was controlled. The people controlling me was Ling's aunty and my own mum. They both somehow got access to my bank account and figured out how much money I have used and decided to control my spending and savings and everything to do with my won finance which annoyed me so much.

I couldn't even get it back. This dream forced me to wake up but I still couldn't escape it cause once I feel asleep again the dreams comes back with a little different and once it had Ling's aunty and grandma and they took my money for themselves which irritated me so much. I feel like this dream was related to how I felt that Ling was getting to controlled by his family.

To be honest, it sounds fair that he is being control due to what he has done but I still don't like it which I think this is the reason why I had the dream. . . It was so uncomfortable, to me at least.

Reverting Back To The Real Me

You know, it just hit me on Thursday night how much I have changed over the years and I realised how self-centred and selfish I had become. This made me feel so horrible and devastated. You see Ling had a big issue happen at home that night and before I used to be so worried for his sake. I worried if he was ok and what is happening. I was just cared so much about him and it hurt me to see him in pain or depressed. But this time I thought 'Nooo, I am going to be alone the next day cause I can't see Ling and I wanna see Ling. I just neglected my love cause I thought of only myself.'

When I realised this, I saw how much I have changed. How bad I have become now? So from that night I decided to make a change, I need to turn myself back to my high school years, that more thoughtful and caring person that I was. Of course I can't go all the way back cause there are new things I need to pick up and use so that I can become a better person and girlfriend for my love.

We dated 3 years and to be honest, not matter how many flaws he has I can't help but stay in love with him. I love him so much that I can't stop thinking about him. I sort of feel like our relationship has turn for the better these days almost like our high school years when we were infatuated with each other. It isn't complete like that but when I am with him I feel that way.

So recently I have made a changed, Ling even agrees though I still had some parts that hadn't changed but it was much better. I know Ling was happy during the times when I was around. But I can't just stop here I must improve and develop our relationship high and better until we are inseparable. ^.^ We are both gonna change ourselves to be better for each other. I hope. . .

Development of Personalities

I realised it is very interesting in understanding how you develop you own personality and values. I believe your parents, surroundings, siblings and friends have big contributions to how you turn out as a person. In my uni study of educational psychology, I discovered a infants first experiences are crucial in how they would eventually turn out.

I am have strong feeling that due to my parents working a lot back then and left me with a nanny who didn't really look after me or nurture me. From what I gather my mum, she said I usually hid underneath a table while she play mah-jong with her friends. These kind of actions may have result in my insecurities and how introverted I am. But it isn't to say that it has a big contributions to it to.

But it is important that you provide as many positive experiences to your baby and give it the attention and love it needs and maybe that child will end up being much more opened in the future. I don't know but as I think about these things I feel that everything that I seen in my family, they arguing and other things they have done made me to be who I am and to be honest I am not that please with the outcome.

But is hard to make yourself open up and start talking to random people cause to me I have nothing interesting to tell or and hobbies that I love to do that I may be able to use. I am socially not experienced and feel like such a young kid that I feel that I won't be able to fit in with people my age now. . .

Ok I have no idea what I am trying to get at anymore. . .

I guess I am trying to say is that, I wanna have a happy family and provided my child with the necessary experiences so that she wouldn't turn out like me. I hope that she would be open and make lots of friends and never get hurt by anyone. I would like her to have many social experiences so she understands how people are and she could be smart in the friends she make or the people she choose to be with. I wish I was able to turn out to be someone more open and less. . . me, I guess.

Sigh,  I don't know what I am saying but I do know I wish I was more of any extravert, someone open and more social able.