Talking to Ling and he made me realise something. I think I have lost another friend, not in the same way but as time goes on our relationship would grow further and further apart. She was the 2nd person that I was closet to but then she always believe that she would lose contact with high school friends and make friends in Uni. Now she has made friends in Uni and I feel that slowly since we don't contact each other often or friendship will soon fade into nothing.
If I lose my best friend, then it would be like I made no friends in high school whatsoever and I would only have my family friends R.Z and A.Z. I am worried that I would lose them to especially with one of them cause on family things and if I lose her too it would hurt so much cause she is the longest friend I have ever had. I don't wanna lose her ever and R.Z but they have their own friends and it just feels like that I might just lose them in the end too.
If I lose all my friends, all I have is Ling but if things don't work out with him. I have no one, one at all and just got my thinking how my sister use to be like you have no friends and no one likes you and things like that. I knew she was joking back them but it feels like it is true. Maybe I am just thinking too much but one thing Ling said might be true is that friends come and go. I just really want the ones I cherish the most to stay with me forever. Please Please don't leave me guys. Don't leave me alone. TT^TT
Saturday, 30 April 2016
Cry-lender
Fridat 22nd of April:
Cried with Ling over something private that was effecting our relationship/ sort of a little fight.
Saturday 23rd of April:
Cried because it finally hit me that I couldn't see Ling for 10 days
Sunday 24th of April:
Cried Because I really missed Ling and I didn't know how I would cope without Ling
Monday 25th of April:
Cried again cause I missed Ling and Cried because my mum said she doesn't love me and she was angry at me.
Tuesday 26th of April:
Cried not as much but because I still missed Ling.
Wednesday 27th of April:
Felt tears in my eyes cause again, I'm still missing Ling.
Thursday 28th of April:
Watery eyes but thinking of Ling and the day ahead me. Big improvement
Friday 29th of April:
A few drops of tears because Friday's morning loneliness was too much to take and cried because I was unhappy with Ling and then I realised was upset even more cause I realised Ling was upset and I didn't cheer him up.
Saturday 30th of April:
Cried because I am horrible friend and I felt upset cause I found out something didn't I didn't know was happening.
Sunday 1st of May:
Aim: No More Crying.
Sigh this week has been the worst one this year. But I am making a change. . . hopefully.
Cried with Ling over something private that was effecting our relationship/ sort of a little fight.
Saturday 23rd of April:
Cried because it finally hit me that I couldn't see Ling for 10 days
Sunday 24th of April:
Cried Because I really missed Ling and I didn't know how I would cope without Ling
Monday 25th of April:
Cried again cause I missed Ling and Cried because my mum said she doesn't love me and she was angry at me.
Tuesday 26th of April:
Cried not as much but because I still missed Ling.
Wednesday 27th of April:
Felt tears in my eyes cause again, I'm still missing Ling.
Thursday 28th of April:
Watery eyes but thinking of Ling and the day ahead me. Big improvement
Friday 29th of April:
A few drops of tears because Friday's morning loneliness was too much to take and cried because I was unhappy with Ling and then I realised was upset even more cause I realised Ling was upset and I didn't cheer him up.
Saturday 30th of April:
Cried because I am horrible friend and I felt upset cause I found out something didn't I didn't know was happening.
Sunday 1st of May:
Aim: No More Crying.
Sigh this week has been the worst one this year. But I am making a change. . . hopefully.
For A Friend
I don't know what is wrong.
I don't know why you are upset.
I don't know what you bad habit came back
I don't know anything unless you tell me.
I have a very special friend, I have known her for about 7 years now. I have felt what it is like to feel distant from you and I have felt what it is like you feel close with you. But right now, I can feel you pain and I feel your sadness. It might not be as strong as how you are feeling but I can feel it. It hurts me more than anything to see you like this. I feel like crying cause I just don't know what I can do especially when I don't know anything.
This reminds me of the holiday that we barely spoke to each other because you were feeling depressed and upset about things. I don't wanna see you go back to that again. I don't want you to feel depressed like I have before. I just wanna know what it happening. I wanna be able to be there for you and. . . I wanna. . .
Right now I feel hopeless. Hopeless that I can't help. Hopeless cause I am not a friend you can trust with whatever you are going through. Hopeless that I am not a friend you would think of to go to when you are in pain. I feel like the worst friend ever and to be honest I am.
Random note, now that I am thinking about it. Yesterday had lunch with a friend and he made it clear to me that I was only there cause I don't have Ling completely ruling out that I truly do wanna catch up. Use I wanted some company cause I cant be with Ling which Friday is meant to be our day. But it does not mean that's my only reason. Can't you just not hold on to that little detail that maybe in fact I do wanna catch up and since now I don't have to be with Ling at the time, it is perfect time. It annoyed me that she just ignore that.
I just. . . I'm feeling like a horrible person this week now. At this time, I feel like I am a bad friend. A friend who doesn't know her own best friends problems. A friend using her own friends cause she doesn't have her boyfriend. Haha. Lets just say I am a horrible friend. This is why I am a loner. This is why I lost a friend and this is why I can't make friends. No one really wants to be my friend. On that note I am probs also a horrible girlfriend to Ling. . .
Ahhh so much negativity now. . . Sigh. . . I don't know what to do with myself now. . .
I don't know why you are upset.
I don't know what you bad habit came back
I don't know anything unless you tell me.
I have a very special friend, I have known her for about 7 years now. I have felt what it is like to feel distant from you and I have felt what it is like you feel close with you. But right now, I can feel you pain and I feel your sadness. It might not be as strong as how you are feeling but I can feel it. It hurts me more than anything to see you like this. I feel like crying cause I just don't know what I can do especially when I don't know anything.
This reminds me of the holiday that we barely spoke to each other because you were feeling depressed and upset about things. I don't wanna see you go back to that again. I don't want you to feel depressed like I have before. I just wanna know what it happening. I wanna be able to be there for you and. . . I wanna. . .
Right now I feel hopeless. Hopeless that I can't help. Hopeless cause I am not a friend you can trust with whatever you are going through. Hopeless that I am not a friend you would think of to go to when you are in pain. I feel like the worst friend ever and to be honest I am.
Random note, now that I am thinking about it. Yesterday had lunch with a friend and he made it clear to me that I was only there cause I don't have Ling completely ruling out that I truly do wanna catch up. Use I wanted some company cause I cant be with Ling which Friday is meant to be our day. But it does not mean that's my only reason. Can't you just not hold on to that little detail that maybe in fact I do wanna catch up and since now I don't have to be with Ling at the time, it is perfect time. It annoyed me that she just ignore that.
I just. . . I'm feeling like a horrible person this week now. At this time, I feel like I am a bad friend. A friend who doesn't know her own best friends problems. A friend using her own friends cause she doesn't have her boyfriend. Haha. Lets just say I am a horrible friend. This is why I am a loner. This is why I lost a friend and this is why I can't make friends. No one really wants to be my friend. On that note I am probs also a horrible girlfriend to Ling. . .
Ahhh so much negativity now. . . Sigh. . . I don't know what to do with myself now. . .
Care/Love or Money/Food/Nessecities
Something useful I got out of studying is learning about how we begin to develop our personality or who we are in the future. From one of my education units I learnt about psychology and how we begin to develop connections and personalities.
My last lecture I found out that even animals choose love than our necessities. The lecture mention about an experiment on a baby monkey with 2 surrogate robot mother, one that is wrapped in a soft cloth while is made out of steel and provides food. The study show that the monkey prefers to cling on the surrogate robot mother that provided it with warmth and only lean towards the mother that provided food when the baby monkey was hungry.
The reason I am talking about this is cause my dad thinks that my sister and I should be close to my dad cause hey he took care of us. When I say took care of us he was the one who earn the sole income and he was the one that provided us with shelter, food, water all that we need to live. But from what I learn that isn't what you do if you want someone to be close to you. Even animals know who to stay next to when they want to feel warmth or love. Cause you can't just give someone food or money and say love me cause I provided you with material you need to survive.
Love can not be brought or bribed and if someone can be bribed it isn't cause they love you it is cause they need the food or money and they love it cause it provides them with what they want. Love is something you gain by using your heart. Love is knowing someone cares for you, loves you, protects you and will do anything in their power just to make you happy.
My dad isn't a good parent. He is not a good father. He is a good supplier and that's all. He provided me with food, money, clothing shelter and all the wants and needs when I was younger. For him that was his love yet I don't feel close to him and I don't feel like he understands me. My mum on the other hand is a great mum and I could say one of the best. Yes she cooks for me and provides me with food but she loves me and I can feel that love unlike my dad. My mum loves makes me feel happy and at ease. My mum makes me feel cared for and that I have someone that would always stay with me regardless of what I do and what happens to me.
It a similar feeling I get from Ling, it isn't the present he gives me, it is his love, his care and his everything that makes me feel so loved and happy.
My dad just doesn't understand anything and thinks he does. I'm not sure if he loves me part of me thinks so but part me of feels that maybe all he is doing is bribing me so that in the future he has someone to take care of him. I shouldn't think like that but at times it really feels like that is the case.
I guess my main point is. There is a point in celebrating mother's day despite what my dad had said today. Because for me, my mum has been giving love to me every since I was born even though I brought her so much pain when I came into this world and other pains throughout my life. But in the end I know she loves and cares for me more than she does for herself. I know maybe not all mum's are like that and I know some people may have not experience a mothers love for what ever reason it is. But I need to say:
My last lecture I found out that even animals choose love than our necessities. The lecture mention about an experiment on a baby monkey with 2 surrogate robot mother, one that is wrapped in a soft cloth while is made out of steel and provides food. The study show that the monkey prefers to cling on the surrogate robot mother that provided it with warmth and only lean towards the mother that provided food when the baby monkey was hungry.
The reason I am talking about this is cause my dad thinks that my sister and I should be close to my dad cause hey he took care of us. When I say took care of us he was the one who earn the sole income and he was the one that provided us with shelter, food, water all that we need to live. But from what I learn that isn't what you do if you want someone to be close to you. Even animals know who to stay next to when they want to feel warmth or love. Cause you can't just give someone food or money and say love me cause I provided you with material you need to survive.
Love can not be brought or bribed and if someone can be bribed it isn't cause they love you it is cause they need the food or money and they love it cause it provides them with what they want. Love is something you gain by using your heart. Love is knowing someone cares for you, loves you, protects you and will do anything in their power just to make you happy.
My dad isn't a good parent. He is not a good father. He is a good supplier and that's all. He provided me with food, money, clothing shelter and all the wants and needs when I was younger. For him that was his love yet I don't feel close to him and I don't feel like he understands me. My mum on the other hand is a great mum and I could say one of the best. Yes she cooks for me and provides me with food but she loves me and I can feel that love unlike my dad. My mum loves makes me feel happy and at ease. My mum makes me feel cared for and that I have someone that would always stay with me regardless of what I do and what happens to me.
It a similar feeling I get from Ling, it isn't the present he gives me, it is his love, his care and his everything that makes me feel so loved and happy.
My dad just doesn't understand anything and thinks he does. I'm not sure if he loves me part of me thinks so but part me of feels that maybe all he is doing is bribing me so that in the future he has someone to take care of him. I shouldn't think like that but at times it really feels like that is the case.
I guess my main point is. There is a point in celebrating mother's day despite what my dad had said today. Because for me, my mum has been giving love to me every since I was born even though I brought her so much pain when I came into this world and other pains throughout my life. But in the end I know she loves and cares for me more than she does for herself. I know maybe not all mum's are like that and I know some people may have not experience a mothers love for what ever reason it is. But I need to say:
Happy Early Mother's day, Mum
thank you for the 19 years of love you have given me and
thank you for many more years of love you would give me.
Tuesday, 26 April 2016
I'm Missing You by Bobby Tinsley
Ohh babe...
Ohh babe...
Ohh babe...
The nights are long,
My days are cold,
Without the warmth you provide me when I hold,
You in my arms, feels so long ago,
When you were there...
I think a teardrop just fell down..
My days are cold,
Without the warmth you provide me when I hold,
You in my arms, feels so long ago,
When you were there...
I think a teardrop just fell down..
I really wanna come to see you,
I really really wish I could,
Just another week,
It's only one week...
I really really wish I could,
Just another week,
It's only one week...
But even though I get to,
It's 7 days I gotta get through (it's too many days, babe)
And I'm really really missing you..
It's 7 days I gotta get through (it's too many days, babe)
And I'm really really missing you..
And I miss, miss, Miss..
I'm missing you..
And I don't know..
I'm missing you..
And I don't know..
How I'm gonna make it through..
But I gotta, gotta,
stay strong for us two..
Just be strong,
It's a job that I gotta do.
So I go outside and I fake a smile..
But if they only knew,
Just how many miles..
Were between love so true,
I really couldn't cope the way that we do (that we do..)
And I'm really really missing you,
But if they only knew,
Just how many miles..
Were between love so true,
I really couldn't cope the way that we do (that we do..)
And I'm really really missing you,
You, you..
Baby when you're near,
All of my visions clear.
But like a magic show,
I blink and than you disappear..
All of my visions clear.
But like a magic show,
I blink and than you disappear..
And I frequently,
Envision of it would be..
To have you alone with me..
Give me a moment so I can breathe ..
Envision of it would be..
To have you alone with me..
Give me a moment so I can breathe ..
I know this is probs not the best song to listen to but I can relate with this song even though I know it hasn't been long since Ling left for china I still miss him. This feeling is unbearable, when he is in Australia I knew I could always seen him whenever I wanted to but now. . . I can't cause I have to fly over the ocean just to see him. I don't know why it is so hard coping with it. Never affected me this much before.
Sigh. . . Ling might not know this but he means the world to me. He is kind of like my big plush whenever I have a problem or feeling sad, I can count of him to be by myself in an instant. He will hug me, comfort me and make me feel like the luckiest and happiest girl alive. I just miss that warmth.
I feel if I told him all this he would think I am to clingy or possessive but you know, I never felt or seen this love and comfort he gives to me ever before. Sigh, I really wanna cuddle my big, soft, warm snorlax. Sigh. . .
Btw I alter a few lines in the lyrics to fit my situation, for the real lyrics that I haven't alter click on the link below:Bobby Tinsley - !'m Missing You Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Monday, 25 April 2016
The Pain Just Keeps Growing
What is wrong with me? I dont understand. Ever since his gone I've been down in the dumps. Today is just not my day. Been upset and depressed all day havent been like this in such a long time. Is it that time of the month? Or is it cause i miss him too much? The pain keeps hurting me. The lonliness keeps seeking in my mind and Ling cant even come comfort me. I. . . Just not my day. I wonder how long this is gonna be? Time feels so slow.
To a friend, I feel selfish saying this but i feel that u should know that. Stop letting your parents control you. We are at the end of our teenage years u really gonna let them stop from going out or spending time with your special someone. I understand u dont wanna lie but sigh. . . I am selfish and a liar. . . For my own happiness i would lie to my parents so i can spend wonderful hrs with my love. I shouldnt i know but with the pain im feeling i would never be able to not see the person i love and the person i love would hurt even more. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish to be happy. Not all the time but sometimes.
Anyway, gonna go on being depressed until i hear the sweet voice of my love and im sure those few mins or hrs i have with that voice would make me feel like im in heaven. For now. . . Sigh
To a friend, I feel selfish saying this but i feel that u should know that. Stop letting your parents control you. We are at the end of our teenage years u really gonna let them stop from going out or spending time with your special someone. I understand u dont wanna lie but sigh. . . I am selfish and a liar. . . For my own happiness i would lie to my parents so i can spend wonderful hrs with my love. I shouldnt i know but with the pain im feeling i would never be able to not see the person i love and the person i love would hurt even more. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish to be happy. Not all the time but sometimes.
Anyway, gonna go on being depressed until i hear the sweet voice of my love and im sure those few mins or hrs i have with that voice would make me feel like im in heaven. For now. . . Sigh
Sunday, 24 April 2016
Can't Bare to Be Apart
I don't want you to leave.
I cant last without you.
I know you will be back but my heart just cant take it.
I'll miss you so much if you leave. I miss you right now.
I don't want you to be away from me.
I know we been apart a lot longer before but this time is different.
Our relationship is more closer and our love is deeper.
I just don't know how well I can take not seeing you or being with you.
I don't how long I can last without you.
I Love You So Much Ling.
I hope these 10 days passes really quickly so I can see you again and feel that warmth I love.
Please God make sure my love will be safe on his trip.
Please bring him safely back to me.
I really need him more than anything in this world.
Sigh.
I can't believe how much I miss him already.
I can't believe how clingy I am to him.
Sigh.
Really hope he has a good trip. . .
Monday, 18 April 2016
3 Years
3 years ago, in front of a sparkling fountain,
I heard 3 beautiful words that I never thought I hear.
3 words that capture my heart and soul.
3 years ago under a bright lamp,
3 words that capture my heart and soul.
3 years ago under a bright lamp,
we sealed our relationship and sharing a moment we will never forget.
3 years made we feel like the most fortunate and happiest person alive.
3 year into the future, I hope we can still be together like this,
3 years made we feel like the most fortunate and happiest person alive.
3 year into the future, I hope we can still be together like this,
hand in hand and hearts locked together. ...
I cant believe 3 years have really passed
I cant believe 3 years have really passed
but I hope that every year would be as good or even better than the last.
Please stay with me for as long as we live.
I Love You So Much Ling.
I Love You So Much Ling.
Really cant believe 3 year has really passed and I am still with you Ling. How could u stand my annoyingness??? Just feel so happy. ^v^
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