I was reading Beautiful's Blog just a while ago and it sort of made me feel like I am a bad girlfriend or more a less caring girlfriend. I don't wanna make her feel bad or anything but it sort of those cause the thoughts of how she would try and spend as much time with him as possible makes me feel like I don't do enough.
But then again for Ling and I, we usually have to spend at least 3-4 days together and it does make it hard to spend time with friends and family for me. Another thing is he loves me to stay late at his house or even sleep over which is hard cause of how strict my dad is and mum if she knew I was going to sleep over at ling's house.
I feel that, I am not a good enough girlfriend cause I clingy to Ling so much that I love to have skype calls with me every single night and he doesn't wanna at times and I feel bad. I did though tell him we don't have to once but I think that idea went out the window since he still calls me every night. I don't initiate somethings we do which he wants me to. . . Sigh, Ling sometimes tells me these things and it makes me feel bad and depressed. He then expects me to do something about it right away but I don't feel like at the time cause of my mood he doesn't understand that at times.
Sigh. . . I believe Beautiful is a better girlfriend in the way that she initiates a lot more things than I do though I do feel that Ling seems to be hard to please then her BF but I know that I am not as initiative than her. . . haha I should stop comparing. . . >.< Well. . .
I Love Ling more than anything in the world and if I could I would wanna spend every minute and every second with him but I know I can't. I gotta spend time with my mum she needs me it isn't like she has anyone else so go spend time with at the moment considering our family situation. I wanna spend time with friends too. I don't wanna lose touch with them. . . Sigh so much things and so hard to balance. . .
Oh well. . . I really miss Ling right now.
Sunday, 31 January 2016
Different Life Views
I don't understand my parents views or I guess I should I understand their views but I don't agree with it and maybe many people do but I know many people don't either. To my parents they believe you should study very hard when u r young so you can find a job and earn lots of money and have ease in life with ur family and taking care of everyday needs.
But to me, I feel trapped in this life cycle where all you do is study, work, take care of a family, grow older and than have no energy to actually have some fun in life. What is the point of all that? Why make yourself so tired? Why live a life that you don't enjoy? I just don't understand why we need to do this? In some case if you are really poor and u need to work very hard and try and get enough money to survive or take care of you family but fine. But for my case, I live in a pretty decent life style where I am able to eat regularly and have shelter above my head and not have to worry about earning money for my own survival so why work so hard now just so I get lots of money when I am older and won't have to worry at all about if I can get food or shelter or any of the necessities we need.
I just wanna be able to have fun right now enjoy life as it is and not be pressured into studying hard and getting a good job just so my future family can live luxuriously. Why can't I just enjoy life? Why can't everyone just earn enough money so that they can have all their necessities but have the time to enjoy life outside of study, work and earn money. The old saying you only live once why make you life so hard and unenjoyable but instead enjoy your life and earn just enough money to get you by now.
Maybe, I am too young and naïve to see how stressful it is to earn money buy a house and take care of family. Cause I do know how expensive buying a house is and how much money is need to actually build a family. But. . . Why must we make our life follow that same old order? We can work hard and play hard all at the same time. Sigh. . . I don't know, I just don't like my parents view and don't agree with it. In the future, I want my kids to study well and get a good job but most of all I want them to be happy. I want them to enjoy life and feel trapped. I will give them there freedom when the time comes. I want to be a mum that my kids would feel comfortable in telling me anything and everything. I want to be able to help them but not control them and tell them they cant do this or that. I want them to be independent and understand what they should or shouldn't do. I want to teach them what is good and bad so they will make the right decision on their own but not have force them to this decision because I believe it is right. I want them to make their own path in life and not follow the path I want them to walk on. I want them to have everything I didn't have.
I guess I could be naïve but isn't bad to have a dream or a goal for the future.
But to me, I feel trapped in this life cycle where all you do is study, work, take care of a family, grow older and than have no energy to actually have some fun in life. What is the point of all that? Why make yourself so tired? Why live a life that you don't enjoy? I just don't understand why we need to do this? In some case if you are really poor and u need to work very hard and try and get enough money to survive or take care of you family but fine. But for my case, I live in a pretty decent life style where I am able to eat regularly and have shelter above my head and not have to worry about earning money for my own survival so why work so hard now just so I get lots of money when I am older and won't have to worry at all about if I can get food or shelter or any of the necessities we need.
I just wanna be able to have fun right now enjoy life as it is and not be pressured into studying hard and getting a good job just so my future family can live luxuriously. Why can't I just enjoy life? Why can't everyone just earn enough money so that they can have all their necessities but have the time to enjoy life outside of study, work and earn money. The old saying you only live once why make you life so hard and unenjoyable but instead enjoy your life and earn just enough money to get you by now.
Maybe, I am too young and naïve to see how stressful it is to earn money buy a house and take care of family. Cause I do know how expensive buying a house is and how much money is need to actually build a family. But. . . Why must we make our life follow that same old order? We can work hard and play hard all at the same time. Sigh. . . I don't know, I just don't like my parents view and don't agree with it. In the future, I want my kids to study well and get a good job but most of all I want them to be happy. I want them to enjoy life and feel trapped. I will give them there freedom when the time comes. I want to be a mum that my kids would feel comfortable in telling me anything and everything. I want to be able to help them but not control them and tell them they cant do this or that. I want them to be independent and understand what they should or shouldn't do. I want to teach them what is good and bad so they will make the right decision on their own but not have force them to this decision because I believe it is right. I want them to make their own path in life and not follow the path I want them to walk on. I want them to have everything I didn't have.
I guess I could be naïve but isn't bad to have a dream or a goal for the future.
Wednesday, 27 January 2016
Divorce?
Is it a bad thing that you want your parents to get a divorce? I don't know. . . But at times a really wish that my parents were or is getting a divorce. I am sick of there arguing and I am sick of how my dad treats my mum and how he wants to control everyone around him. No one is happy at home when he is around.
Yes, he is nice to me and spoils me but I don't want that. I want a happy family. When were everyone is happy my mum feels loved and appreciated my sister feels loved and cared for. You know I am envious of other people families so much. When I saw other parents where the dad is so lovey dovey to the mum and I think back to my parents and I have seen none of it. All I have seen and heard is my dad and mum yelling and my dad telling my mum to do this and that like she is a maid.
My sister has broken ties with my dad ever since she left the house. . . she is free. . . not trapped in this stupid horrible cage. . .To have a whole family I can't forget my sis. I miss her. I rarely ever see her. . . I am so sick of this family. I honestly wish my parents got a divorce. That way my mum and I move out of the house or my mum move in with my sis for a while and I move in with Ling. I would pay rent and everything fix up my Centrelink things just so I can get away from this family. I get more freedom this way.
Sigh I feel so trapped. . . I know I have a key to get out but I don't seem to have the courage to do it. . . so much strings holding me back from flying out. . . >~< I hate this family so much =.=
Yes, he is nice to me and spoils me but I don't want that. I want a happy family. When were everyone is happy my mum feels loved and appreciated my sister feels loved and cared for. You know I am envious of other people families so much. When I saw other parents where the dad is so lovey dovey to the mum and I think back to my parents and I have seen none of it. All I have seen and heard is my dad and mum yelling and my dad telling my mum to do this and that like she is a maid.
My sister has broken ties with my dad ever since she left the house. . . she is free. . . not trapped in this stupid horrible cage. . .To have a whole family I can't forget my sis. I miss her. I rarely ever see her. . . I am so sick of this family. I honestly wish my parents got a divorce. That way my mum and I move out of the house or my mum move in with my sis for a while and I move in with Ling. I would pay rent and everything fix up my Centrelink things just so I can get away from this family. I get more freedom this way.
Sigh I feel so trapped. . . I know I have a key to get out but I don't seem to have the courage to do it. . . so much strings holding me back from flying out. . . >~< I hate this family so much =.=
Want to be out of your control
I am so sick of being controlled in everything I do. Sometimes I like to be control depending on the situation but every time my dad tries to control something of me I get very defensive. Like I hate how he tries to control what I time asleep or what time I need to wake up. I have that he still gives me a curfew even though I am already over 18.
I'm sick of it. I want my freedom. I wanna control my own life even though I might make bad decisions at least I made them. I'm tired of this crap. Really thinking of moving out but what would my mum do without me. Sigh. . . so sick of this >~<
I'm sick of it. I want my freedom. I wanna control my own life even though I might make bad decisions at least I made them. I'm tired of this crap. Really thinking of moving out but what would my mum do without me. Sigh. . . so sick of this >~<
Thursday, 7 January 2016
Holidays
Holidays are hard for certain people due to many different circumstances. I have definitely gone through hard holidays in the past. Ones filled with silence, anger and hatred when most was filled with laughter, happiness and love. It is hard to live in a broken household and it is worse when holidays come around. I remember I used to hate when holidays come around cause it meant spending more time at home which I hated.
I shared these feelings with a special friend name Beautiful, we both had discuss about it in our first year of high school. Though we still have some family issues to sort out, we are lucky to escape some or most parts of these holidays due to work and our special loved ones. To another friend dealing with these problems. I wanted to blog this post for the sake that I want you to know you are not alone.
I don't want you to feel this unhappiness alone. If you can and want share it with me I will be glad to hear to our and help you through it. I may be busy with work and other commitments but I wanna help you. You have been the longest friend I have ever had and I don't want you to bear this alone. I know what it is like and how painful to have no escape.
I worry for you all the time and cause how long I have known I feel like u r a younger sister to me and I do wanna help you, support you and protect you. Though physical I think I am little to weak to protect you. I know you are mentally, physically strong and you have cope through a lot. But everyone falls down to a weak spot at some point and you would need comfort and I hope I could help if need. Be happy and positive. Message me when u want or talk to me text me and I glad chat with you and help you forget your surroundings. Another note. I always believe friends are the family we choose for ourselves so I don't believe it is wrong to place friends before your family as they know you and understand you better than your family most of the time.
Hope you are well and happy now.
I shared these feelings with a special friend name Beautiful, we both had discuss about it in our first year of high school. Though we still have some family issues to sort out, we are lucky to escape some or most parts of these holidays due to work and our special loved ones. To another friend dealing with these problems. I wanted to blog this post for the sake that I want you to know you are not alone.
I don't want you to feel this unhappiness alone. If you can and want share it with me I will be glad to hear to our and help you through it. I may be busy with work and other commitments but I wanna help you. You have been the longest friend I have ever had and I don't want you to bear this alone. I know what it is like and how painful to have no escape.
I worry for you all the time and cause how long I have known I feel like u r a younger sister to me and I do wanna help you, support you and protect you. Though physical I think I am little to weak to protect you. I know you are mentally, physically strong and you have cope through a lot. But everyone falls down to a weak spot at some point and you would need comfort and I hope I could help if need. Be happy and positive. Message me when u want or talk to me text me and I glad chat with you and help you forget your surroundings. Another note. I always believe friends are the family we choose for ourselves so I don't believe it is wrong to place friends before your family as they know you and understand you better than your family most of the time.
Hope you are well and happy now.
Don't understand
What have i done to deserve this? I dont understand. Was it so bad that you willdo this to me? I dont understand. I she'd so many tears and you will never know. My heart broken and you dont even know. Do you not care anymore? Do you not love me anymore? Can go not forgive me for what i did? Or was it that bad that i was given the silent treatment? I dont know what i can do. . . I cant. . . TT^TT I don't understand. . .
Sunday, 3 January 2016
2016 New Year Resolutions?
Today when I got home I thought of quite a few things and I thought I post about it to organise all my thoughts. I might not remember everything now but oh well.
So today, I went on a triple date kind of thing. There was Y.L and her BF, Beautiful and her Special Someone and Ling and I. All couples. It felt like my fanfics where I had the 3 of us together with our love ones spending time with each other. I felt happy and almost like I accomplished something from my bucket list of something like that. I looked into it my deeper more deeper into my thoughts of our relationships and more specifically my relationship.
It was cute looking at Y.L and Beautiful with their love ones acting all lovey dovey and cute together while I felt me and Pat kept our distance a bit more and didn't show how much we loved each other as they did. In the past I would have felt a little upset cause I would like to have done the same and show that we are just as sweet and cute together like they are. I have always been a little competitive, wanting show off things like Ling and I guess. . . I am slightly over it. I don't feel jealous or envious cause I know where Ling and I are isn't completely different to how they are together. We don't show how much we love each other in front of our friends cause we don't want to make things awkward or make other people around us feel awkward though we might a few times cause. . . I like it I guess. . .
I have date Ling for almost 3 years, so much has happened and we have been through so much. Maybe that is what makes a difference in our relationship (I know I shouldn't compare. . . which I don't think this is really it. . . ) who knows. . . I don't feel the need to show off me and Ling anymore. I love him and I don't need other people to know it anymore. I just want Ling to know it and I just want us to be together and cute together regardless if anyone sees it or not. I guess this is what I have gained from 2015 through all the ups and downs. Haha. . . What I am saying makes me think of the 'Friends' the tv series where Monica wants to be the hottest couple and more hotter couple than Phoebe was with her cop Boyfriend. >v<
Anyway, if I say my new resolution for 2016 is to become more independent if I can achieve is a difficult question. But I don't wanna be so clingy anymore. I don't wanna rely on skype calls with Ling to fall asleep and I wanna be able to sleep even without his calls even though I love to sleep with him on a call cause it makes me feel closer to him just like me being next to him. Another thing I wanna be able to not argue for no reason with Ling like I have in the past. So far it has been 2 weeks since my last random argument at least from what I remember. I wanna also build my independence away from home start listening to what I want instead of pleasing my Dad and mum. . . this is gonna be hard and I have doubts I can do it but I need to start figuring it out. I wanna be able to stay late with Ling be with him, go on trips with him and live with him. I guess that is what I wanna achieve. for 2016.
Added Note and a little Late but. . .
So today, I went on a triple date kind of thing. There was Y.L and her BF, Beautiful and her Special Someone and Ling and I. All couples. It felt like my fanfics where I had the 3 of us together with our love ones spending time with each other. I felt happy and almost like I accomplished something from my bucket list of something like that. I looked into it my deeper more deeper into my thoughts of our relationships and more specifically my relationship.
It was cute looking at Y.L and Beautiful with their love ones acting all lovey dovey and cute together while I felt me and Pat kept our distance a bit more and didn't show how much we loved each other as they did. In the past I would have felt a little upset cause I would like to have done the same and show that we are just as sweet and cute together like they are. I have always been a little competitive, wanting show off things like Ling and I guess. . . I am slightly over it. I don't feel jealous or envious cause I know where Ling and I are isn't completely different to how they are together. We don't show how much we love each other in front of our friends cause we don't want to make things awkward or make other people around us feel awkward though we might a few times cause. . . I like it I guess. . .
I have date Ling for almost 3 years, so much has happened and we have been through so much. Maybe that is what makes a difference in our relationship (I know I shouldn't compare. . . which I don't think this is really it. . . ) who knows. . . I don't feel the need to show off me and Ling anymore. I love him and I don't need other people to know it anymore. I just want Ling to know it and I just want us to be together and cute together regardless if anyone sees it or not. I guess this is what I have gained from 2015 through all the ups and downs. Haha. . . What I am saying makes me think of the 'Friends' the tv series where Monica wants to be the hottest couple and more hotter couple than Phoebe was with her cop Boyfriend. >v<
Anyway, if I say my new resolution for 2016 is to become more independent if I can achieve is a difficult question. But I don't wanna be so clingy anymore. I don't wanna rely on skype calls with Ling to fall asleep and I wanna be able to sleep even without his calls even though I love to sleep with him on a call cause it makes me feel closer to him just like me being next to him. Another thing I wanna be able to not argue for no reason with Ling like I have in the past. So far it has been 2 weeks since my last random argument at least from what I remember. I wanna also build my independence away from home start listening to what I want instead of pleasing my Dad and mum. . . this is gonna be hard and I have doubts I can do it but I need to start figuring it out. I wanna be able to stay late with Ling be with him, go on trips with him and live with him. I guess that is what I wanna achieve. for 2016.
Added Note and a little Late but. . .
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE OUT THERE
HOPE A GREAT YEAR IS COMING FOR YOU AND
YOU CAN ACHIEVE ANY OF YOUR NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS.
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