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Sometimes I don't say things cause, I don't want to hurt you. Sometimes I don't say things cause, I am scared of your reactions. Sometimes I don't say things cause, I want to test you. Sometimes, I just lose the patient for waiting but then again I don't know how to open it up. I have been wanting to tell someone how I feel about something but I don't know how to say it and I am worried about what will follow. Therefore I end up keeping it in but keeping it in makes my heart feel so heavy. I guess I rather hurting myself than hurting someone else but then I won't be able to take and I let it out on to other people I care about causing my problems then solutions. Why does everything have to be so difficult to solve? or maybe I am just stupid to solve. Another problem I notice I have. I am a pushover me and people can just walk all over me and I won't fight back. Why do I do this to myself? I don't know but maybe that is what people like about me because I am easily persuade and to have control over. I guess my dad was right I don't have the potential to take charge or be able to be the one that everyone else would follow and listen to. You see my dad had ask me the other day which one of my friends do must people like to hang out with or more like the head of the group. He told me that it might not seem like every group would have one but beneath the surface there is always someone that is the leader. I don't know how to answer him but know that I think about it more I guess Rebecca or D.H are the ones that would be leader of the group and can take charge as for me I was, am and always will be a follower. I might not always agree with people or do as the say every single time but I would mostly which still makes me a pushover. Something I hate about myself. Everyone can just take advantage of me. I remember my sister also calling me a pushover. . . I guess that is just me. I have no confidence in myself anymore or at least now.
I have no confidence that I have the ability to achieve my goals.
I have no confidence that I can change myself so I can take control.
I have no confidence that I will ever be the person I wish I was.
I just plain have no confidence and one big pushover. I admire my sister a person that is so strong-willed, that knows how to take charge. My sister has so much confidence she gets all the good genes from my parents I just get the left overs which makes sense since my nickname in chinese is 多多 which means more or properly translater the extra one. I might have a kind and innocent characteristics which is also the negative part of me cause I can be used and thrown as the anyway likes.
NOO~~~ I am thinking to much again or maybe I'm just realising the truth either way I should stop ranting and. . . don't know how to finish that sentence but I guess it doesn't even matter anyway.
Bye-bees.