What have I become?

I don't understand. . .

why is it so hard to sleep without Ling?

Why must I have to have Ling on a call or next to me for me to sleep?

 

I have become so dependent on him

and I should learn to fall asleep without him cause he can't always be there

but. . . I miss him.

I was meant to go see him tonight

but I couldn't sneak out and he decided to go out with another friend

and I should. . .

let him but. . .

its so hard.

 

I miss him so much.

I want to have him on Skype and I don't want him to go.

I cried cause of it. . .

I'm too emotional

but. . .

but. . .

I MISS HIM. I DONT WANT HIM TO GO. TT^TT

Sorting out my emotions

I'm so conflicted right now.

Once again, I had another argument with Ling. I don't know how it started or way it started but I know this can't keep going on. I honestly don't know how to sort things out. My emotions are going crazy and I don't know which thought to listen to first. I can't even think properly.

It feels like every time at this hour, I some how agitate Ling and for some reason on Skype I would make me irritated. I don't know how. Some people you would sacrifice everything for your loved ones while other say love should be equal you get what you give. What to listen to. I don't know anymore.

Things I give don't seem to be the things he wants and I feel sometimes I ask too much of him. I ask him to drive me places ask him to pick me up or come out and take me places with friends. I tell him to do a lot especially with transport cause he can drive but he doesn't like driving all the time. I give him physical things as well. I support him and I do, do a lot for him but I feel it isn't enough for how much I ask him to do.

He wants surprises. Both he and I are sick of these arguments. He wants things to be interesting in a relationship. To him he thinks relationships need to be interesting and have trust. To me a relationship is. . . Just being with the person you love and doing simple things like talk about random things. I don't need much just lots of attention. Maybe asking too much getting him to always drive over cause it is easier for him and maybe cause I don't drive I can't understand how annoying it is for him.

You know what I want freedom. I want to be able to do what I want. I want to be able to make him happy instead of always making him upset. I don't know how to. If I could drive I would drive whenever I can to his house cause to me it is the easiest thing to do. If I could without my parents being angry at me for it, I would drive now to his house and surprise or drive whenever I miss him and surprise him but I can't. I am also restricted to transport there is no buses at this time of night. If I really wanted to surprise him early in the morning I have to catch the most earliest bus possible and travel all the way to his house by myself. Is that what I should do? That is possible the thing he wants. But all that trouble just to see him when it would have been easier to ask him to pick me up so I can see him.

I don't understand what I must do. I honestly don't I am an open book easy to read and easy to guess. I am being too selfish and lazy asking him to pick me up and asking him almost like he is my chauffeur. Is providing him with the things I do not enough? Is it him being selfish wanting more from me? Or is it me being selfish not being able to satisfy the things he needs?

I really wish he told me want exactly what he wanted me to change cause if I knew I would do it. Like how I tell him that I want him to pay more attention to me. I want him to show me he cares and not tell me 'he cares about me.' There are things he wants that I don't necessarily want in a relationship. I don't understand why one thing is so important to a guy. I don't understand anything in this world.

I can't keep doing this anymore. If I can't fix this, I don't know what is gonna happen. What does he want? What do I want? I am so worried about this relationship and so worried about my healthy and so worried about freaken everything. I can't mention somethings in here but there is so much I am doing for him and ways that no one will know and therefore help me with. I just can't. I wanna straighten things out now. Tell him how I feel. Hear what he feels. But I can't say it to him. Somehow I feel if I did I would upset him and make him feel like how I feel right now.

My mum said that I don't have an diligence with Ling and that I don't have mysteries or hide things that would make a guy want you and cherish you. I don't understand Love. Why is it that, when I am with him everything is ok? When I am with him everything is more than ok it is like nothing bad has ever happened. When I am with him we have no problems it is just us together nothing would break that bond. But when we are apart everything around us breaks apart and falling into pieces. I don't understand how I can mend it.

I can never explain this to anyone. No one is gonna understand. I can't tell my mum cause there is much she doesn't know and won't understand cause of her views. She would probably just criticise. I can't tell Beautiful cause there is things she can't know but without the whole truth she wouldn't get a full understanding of the situation. I can't tell other close friends cause there is so much gaps to fill in.

I am so tired of this S*** and I am so tired from work and I am so tired of these emotions. I can't deal with this life no more. It too hard. I got everything off my mind but it doesn't help with anything cause I still as conflicted as I was before. I still have no idea how to deal with all this.

Sigh~ I gotta sleep for work 2mr. Screw this life. So much restrictions to just leave happy life.

First Pay!!!

Ok, technically this isn't my first pay cause officially my first pay was early this year for the casual easter show packing job. It isn't really my second or third pay either cause second was from a flyer job and third was the tutor job. So I should say my fourth pay. . . Come to think that isn't right either. . . I got paid lots of time in my first casual job. . .

Ok lets say this is my first pay for this job. Hahah. . . I am so out of it, exhausted from all the standing and serving and making. But you know I really like making drinks and waffles cause to me it is fun to do. I don't find it tiring doing that. However, I think I need to work faster. After today, I finally built up some courage too ask about when do I exactly get paid and it turned out my theories were correct and I got paid today.

However, I have learnt I get paid $11 for training which is for about 2 weeks but that's ok I still got. . . $100 which is alright. To be honest I only wanted coffee making experience cause I would like to work in a coffee shop. Pretty happy I going to try keep a note of how much I earn as well including working hrs and so forth.

That's all I really wanted to post about. . . Still a little upset about my lost necklace I looked everywhere almost twice no sight of it. TT^TT

I Lost Something Special!!!

I lost something special. Something extremely special to me and it's gone I can't find it anywhere. To some people it isn't very valuable. It probably cost like a few dollars and it isn't made at of anything expensive like silver or gold but to me it was priceless. To me it cost more than 1 million dollars, more than anything in the world of course not as much as the person who gave it to me.

I lost my favourite necklace. The one I wore everyday to school in high school. The one I kept by my side to remind me of him every single time I look at it. Something so special. It's gone. Knowing I can't find it saddens me almost like I lost Ling himself., it is just that special.

I remember the first time I got it and everything on that very day. Ling got it at the navy fireworks around 2 years ago and when he brought it, I thought he was going to the bathroom. He hide it the entire night until the fireworks started and we sat along watching it. He wrapped the necklace around his hand and showed it to me. I was so happy and felt so loved. That feeling I will never forget.

No one understand the importance of that necklace. I should took better care of it and it hurts so much that I lost it.

Come Back Necklace. I truly hope I didn't lost outside and it is still somewhere in my house or his. But where is it? TT^TT

First Part-time Work

Technically, I have worked before but this time it is different. Normally my work was only casual so I only worked for a certain period like 3 weeks or so. But his is a job over this holiday and could eventually lead up into when I start uni but that could be a little tiring but still it is work and I get money and experience.

The job is a little tiring and it is a waitress kind of job which I didn't want in the first place but it is in a café and I wanted to work in a café. The people who work there are all Korean and speak in Korean to each other so it makes me feel left out sometimes. They do speak to me in English and sometimes speak to each other English when I am around but I know that they sometimes talk about me in Korean. Especially on Sunday, when I could see someone point at me and talking in Korean. I might not be able to understand you but I am not blind.

But other than that I am working and I am earning money. Pretty happy about that :)

Obsessed With Love

LOVE HIM SO MUCH. . .

That I think of him 24/7

and I wanna be with him 24/7

and I wann hear his voice and Skype him 24/7.

Is there really how love is meant to be?

My gosh my mind is obsessed with him.

But I can't help but love him and think of him and miss him.

Sigh~~~ I LOVE YOU, LING ^3^

Late Bday Post

I was meant to post this early and I wasn't planning to but since I posted my previous post I thought. I might as well take my mind of things and type up another blog post about some happy events that have occurred to me.

So last Thursday was my 19th Birthday and I spent it with two very important people in my life. To be honest I feel like these two people care about this day more than my parents. I had to remind both of them that it was my Birthday, my mum didn't wish me happy birthday until I stared at her and told her she forgot.

Anyway, so in the morning, I went to Ling's place and spent a whole day with him. His grandma was super nice and cook me pork chop noodles cause it is a shanghainese tradition to eat it on your birthday. She spent the whole morning preparing ever since she hear from Ling that morning that it was my Bday. I felt so bad making her do this for me and thankful. She was so thoughtful about it and I just don't really deserve it.

Anyway, I spent the entire day with Ling at his house until roughly dinner time where we went out to meet with Beautiful where we had Korean BBQ. It was a buffet bbq place and Ling was super excited about all the food there was. It was pretty entertaining watching him react over all the food and to see him so happy and enjoying the meal made me feel even more happy than I was before.

After dinner, Beautiful proposed to go to the beach at night and I thought it would be call but I was freaked out cause I don't have my glasses and it was so dark and blurry that it just scared me. I don't like not being able to see what is around me cause I don't feel safe. But I still enjoyed myself at the beach nonetheless, was able to feel calm as I watched the waters and the night sky and got a beautiful view of the rising orange moon. It was truly I wonderful birthday.

On sunday, I was able to celebrate my birthday once again with one other friend, Rosie along with Beautiful. Rosie wanted to buy a cake for both Beautiful and me since she didn't do anything for our birthday earlier. So that day we spend the day with Karaoke and pool along with have cake, lunch and a light snack in the morning with just Rosie and I.

This year was a wonderful Birthday better than last year even though it was meant to be more special cause I turned 18 but then it was during HSC everyone was busy. I like this year's birthday. I want to thank you everyone who have celebrated my Birthday and you made this year's bday so wonderful and I want to thank A.Z my longest best friend/neighbour who I haven't been able to spend much time with who gave me a great Bday gift. I wish I could relive these moments cause it is much better than more emotional wreck I been having recently =.= I'm mentally exhausted.

Worst Person Alive

I feel like the worst person ever. I am so clingy and selfish and I having so much problems recently. Everyday, I would for some reason get angry or upset and cry cause of Ling and it might not even be his fault it might just be some little insignificant things that just cause me to overeact. It happened so many times before and I know right now this has been my first period in such a long time and maybe that is why my emotions are becoming so. . . crazy. I can't think logically at all and even when I know I shouldn't do something I just can't help it. I can't.

Typing this blog is even making me so emotional. I am so angry and depressed all the time. I can't handle my emotions right. I wanna scream. I wanna cry. I feel like I am suffocating over everything I am feeling.

I wanna be angry at Ling cause I couldn't spend time with him today and that he isn't with me and I can't hear him or see him or just he isn't around. I really just want him to stay by my side and not go out and not do anything that isn't with me. I know I am selfish. I am being so selfish and clingy that I just want him next to me right now and not have a life and just stay with. I hate myself for think like this cause I shouldn't want him to have no life and just be at my every beckon call. I can't expect him to ditch his friends just to stay with me but I so want him too.

I stop myself just then from send a text to him telling him off for saying that he promise he would call me all night once he is home when I have feeling that he is gonna call me around the same time he always does. I don't wanna be mad at him for spending time with his friends cause I know he should have the time to do that and have fun without me there but. . . I can't help feeling alone and ignore and that I just want him to leave his friends for me.

This feeling makes me feel like the worst person ever cause I am being so self-centred and I want to be the person that thinks of others first and be happy and let my BF have so alone time. But I want him with me so badly that I am torn between being selfish and yelling at him for something subconsciously I know he has not fault in with being happy that he is happy with spending his time with his friends which he hasn't done in awhile.

I hate myself for being so emotional for making Ling upset and angry every time I have problems feeling moody. I hate myself for being so self-centred and selfish making Ling comfort me for my wrong doings. I hate that I act with out any rational thoughts and yell at him for nothing just cause he isn't doing things the way I want him to. I know not everything can go my way. I know he needs his guy time and spend timing with his friends. I wanna be support and happy for him and not make him worry or  angry about how I am feeling. But why am I feeling this. I hate this feeling. I don't know how to control these emotions and its killing me.

I'm the worst person ever TT^TT