Calm~~~

During dinner, like always I was listening to my parents conversation. I don't understand everything they say cause it was in Shanghainese (can't spell it) which is another chinese dialect that I am not quite familiar with. Man and woman in this dialect is sort of confusing to me cause they sound exactly the same probably not for some people who are fluent in the language but it is for me.

This time I think they were talking about the laws of getting married and divorces. So basically about which party gets what and in what kind of situation, I don't think the conversation went very well. There was quite a lot of arguing and my dad finds it unfair that the properties and things we owner are meant to be split in half. He thinks this cause he is the sole breadwinner and has suffered more than my mum has. I admit that however, my mum takes care of all and I mean all of the housework (which come to think of it I shall help more now).  In addition my mum has work as well earning some kind of income for the household.

Anyway, so they continue to discuss which sounds so much like arguing and my dad becomes a little more angry. He didn't want to listen to what my mum had to say and told her to be quiet (not in the nice way I put it either.) I don't this made me feel more and more unease, I just had to leave the dinner table. Not letting the other side of me take control like it did the last time.

It is uncomfortable listening to my parents argue about divorce but then sometimes and only sometimes do I wish this happens. That way I don't have to constantly listen to their bickering and I don't have to deal with a lot of things that I have in the past. But then again, I guess it is better two have a whole family then two different ones. I don't know. . . There may be a few people out there wishing for two parents that are still together.

Honestly, I don't know. . . My home and my family never felt like one family before except the one time we went out for dinner and that was half complete cause my sister wasn't even there. So complicated >~<

In the future, I hope I would have the right guy that would be nothing like my dad and would give me that homey feeling that I have been searching for. When that day comes, there would be nothing I would ever want to complain about. All I ever wanted is one completely and happy family where everyone can lived that ordinary, plain and satisfying life.

I hope this day would come.

So Noisy~~~

I don't know what is wrong with my family today. But I constantly here arguing. Well, really there is arguments nearly everyday but like today there is one after another after another. First I remember it was talking about my mum helping my dad with something . Second was about some money thing and the usually who earns more or who uses more. I don't know, I tried to block most of it out. Later I hear arguments about food, and that my dad wants to eat this and my mum. . . was complaining about something. I don't know. . .

But honestly, how many arguments can one have in just one day. I constantly wonder if my neighbours hear my parents yelling cause they are quite louder. My parents are not just loud when arguing but loud when talking to. There is like no peace and quiet in this house. I need to get out of this house more often, go to a lib and study or something.

I wish, that I could get some peace and quiet in this house. Though I guess this isn't a big deal cause everyone's house is loud and noisy at some point, and there isn't much u can do about it except, blocking it out and doing your own thing.

Oh well. . . This is going to be one of the time that there arguments won't bother me cause I am not gonna let it. I don't want my good mood be ruined by anyway chaos. Don't want to return to the state that I hate.

So. . . Gonna block it all out ^.^

Regret. . .

I did something horrible. I can't believe I did what I did. It is not like me and that side of me I have suppress for quite awhile.

I told my dad something I shouldn't have said. I tell I was acting without thinking I didn't mean it at all. My dad found out my dog came in and he said he wanted to throw her away. My reaction was huge, I was upset and angry and I told my dad if he throws her away, dont expect me to talk to him ever again. after a few seconds I said that I realised what I did and I regretted it. One, I feared he was going to get really angry and two I realised how hurtful those words must have been.

This time I admit wrong. I don't to and I know he doesn't admit it when he is wrong. However, I am not going to be like him. I admit I shouldn't have said that. I admit I was to hurtful. But also in my defence I am very moody recently, I am unable to control my own train thought and emotion.

I didn't know how to explained it but somehow I managed and he let it go. (surprisingly he is rather calm today about what I did). But even thought I explained he is over it. I am not. I tried explaining it to my mum and my eyes filled with tears. My eyes were watery when I explained to my dad. I moved around a lot hoping to cover it. I don't know what is wrong with me.

After all that, I went to bathroom let out my tears washed my face and hope to let it all pass. But my mum found out my eyes were read and asked if I cried and my dad heard and called me and asked if I was crying. I really wish they didn't. I confirmed to them I am fine I am not crying at all and I didn't cry. In saying that, tears dropped again. I don't understand why. I cry too easily. My emotions are just going haywire.

I am now just hoping nothing else would trigger that emotional spot. I don't want to say something regretful again or start crying for another reason.

I am sorry for the hurtful words. I really, really, really am sorry. (>~<) (TT^TT)

Hide

Some things are better kept in secret than told 

as it made lead to things you do not wish to see or experience. 

Therefore, I am going to my problems to myself.

I will become more independent. 

Learn not to count on others. 

Be all learn how to be by myself. 

I am going to stop causing other people to worry about me. 

New Phone~~~

I have planned to get a new phone for a while now and finally I got one today. 

It is the new samsung 4s mini. 

I got a new cover as well and it is quite interesting 

only problem is now i need to transfer all my old data into my new phone which is so bothersome. 

But oh well what must be done, must be done. 

The point is I got a new phone mwahahahaha. 

(Don't have as much games as I did with my old one)

YAY~~~ NEW PHONE~~~ SO PWETTY~~~

Check-up

I have been a little concerned about my own well-being recently and I have wanted to always find out if I am perfectly fine. I have thought about getting a blood test so I can make sure I am completely healthy despite my weight and to find out my blood type. However, I don't like doctors and dont like going for any kind of check-ups whether it is for health, teeth or eyes. I just feel uncomfortable.

Anyway, I decided I need to go and therefore I planned to go in the weekend which then I didn't feel like it as the weather was kind of bad. I told my mum again this morning and we decided to go to the doctors this afternoon. We did but she didn't really provided enough information but suggested for more information to get my blood tested and gave us some kind of document or letter or something which she signed and had information of blood testing places.

Now I need to get my blood tested to find out more information which i am slowly freaking out cause I hate needles. I know everyone does but still. Usually needles I get is putting something in my body and not taking something out. (>~<) Oh well, I just have to wait and see.

After the doctor appointment, my mum and I decided to look at some phones as I thought I should upgrade my old phone that have had for 2 years. I mainly wanted to update the software but I lost the disk which was needed for me to upgrade it with. I don't know how I did it and I was sure it was on my desk somewhere but now it is gone.

A while gone by and my mum decided to make a plan and get a phone which she then would give to me. So, apparently I am getting a new phone tomorrow. Very exciting. (^.^)

Thats about all the interesting thing that has happened to me. Honestly I don't really think that is that interesting anyway. Oh well, hope everyone else had a fun and enjoyable day.

11 Years of Friendship

I was re-reading the card my friend has given to me for my birthday, it was a little delayed but that doesn't matter cause it is the thought that counts. I started to listen to the songs she said reminded her of me and while listening I started to reminisce about the time we have spent together over the years.

How I missed those care free days where we rode our bikes nearly everyday and having so much fun. We role played our favourite shows which now seem a little stupid. A.Z, do you remember the names of the role play games we played and the story lines to it? I still do.

I am so glad I was able to meet you all those years ago and I know it was around about this time that we came to know each other. I remember riding past you the first time on my small bike with training wheels and you on your little tricycle. How time has passed so quickly? Now I am starting to go into my last year of high school and soon going to enter year 10.

I remember those fights we have had which seem so silly that we argued about such trivial matters but it happened. We seem like sisters cause we have shared so many beautiful memories together and even bad ones but even those has developed our strong friendship. With the added fact our last names a spelt the same just with different chinese characters.

Can you believe it 11 years of friendship? I know we can make it 12 and then 13 and then 14 and so forth. I really wish the day we actually met so we can celebrate the momentous occasion together. Unfortunately I can't remember a little to young then to recall the specific day. However, I am grateful I met you A.Z. Thank you for being my friend and please stay my friend forever. We will definitely be friends till we grow old.

Friends Forever. Sisters till the end.
Best Buds~~~ (As it says on the butterfly necklace.)

Mum's long Family-tree

I started to read "Falling leaves" cause I quite enjoy the prequel of "Chinese Cinderella." The author started talking about her grandfather from his dad side and the history of her family. I started asking my mum the chinese proverbs in which the author had used which slowly lead to my mum's family line which is so confusing yet so interesting. 

My mum has come from a line that had quite a lot of money and quite a bit of significance in chinese history. For example, my mum told me that the first rail way lines and ships (i think this is the correct translation) was constructed and made from someone from my mum's long family line. I was so interested in learning about my mum's amazing history about my grandfather and about his father and his grandfather and so forth. The family line just goes on into the one of the ast dynasties and maybe even further. It is just so interesting to find out about the history of china and main reason why I am so intrigued in reading "Falling leaves" well I haven't gone further than the first few pages but so far very interesting. 

I had been listening to my mum talk about her father and grandfather and great-grandfather for over an hour. It was so confusing to understand my great-grandfathers family tree cause he had around about 6 wives each having a few children of them own I think. In addition my chinese is not so good therefore all the names used to call each person was quite unfamiliar to me making it so much hard to understand. But I feel so proud and honour and happy to learn that I have come from a line that has so much history and a few significance in chinese history. Apparently my mum's grandmother for her dad's side or maybe it was the grandfather. Anyway, the "Tang" family (my mum's last name) had quite a few people chosen to study overseas cause of the time-frame in where they need people to learn some of the western ways so China can further develop and adapted to the modern society from where new advance technologies have been developed. 

It is just so interesting (@>v<@). I want to learn more about it. 

Parents effect on Children

During dinner, my dad started to bring up that my mum is not a good mother and raised my sister and me badly. Of course my mum argue against this and states from what she has read that fathers has a bigger impact on children's well being than mothers do or at least she said there were more information about it fathers impact on children. I thought I should research about this cause it interested me in knowing who is correct. But honestly I am hoping to prove my mum correct cause she is the best mum in the world and I don't believe my what my father says. 

From my research fathers seem to have a bigger impact and my mum is correct in that it is so much easier to find information about fathers impact than it does on mothers. From what I have gather, fathers involvement with their children allows the them to have better verbal skills, intellectual functioning and academic achievements. The child is 43% more likely to get A's and 33% less likely to repeat grades. The child is also is more social, more confident in exploring the world around them, and become more independent. Girls have more self-esteem and boys have fewer school behaviour problems . On the government site I found these information from also states that "numerous studies have found that children who live with their fathers are more likely to have good physical and emotional health, to achieve academically, and to avoid drugs, violence, and delinquent behavior"  

I kind of got bored of trying to search for information on mothers cause none of them really answer what I wanted to know like that government website but I did find one that did talk about similar impacts that fathers have on children. 

However, I have proved my mum correct in some way and didn't really prove my dad point incorrect other than my own belief that my mum is a great mother. Also from what I found it seem that my dad has really had a negative impact on me cause I have low self-esteem, not confident, not very social, and also I didn't mention above but it is less likely for a child to experience depression if the father is more involved with their children (which i have definitely experience a few times in my life). The website also says that "research has shown that husbands who display anger, show contempt for, or who stonewall their wives (i.e., "the silent treatment") are more likely to have children who are anxious, withdrawn, or antisocial. " 

I know that it doesn't apply to everyone and there are exceptions in this world but somehow I have many of these effects on me and I can't deny it the fact that it is just me and that this is all just a coincident but no one can say it didn't effect me. 

Well, even if this is the reason I became like I am now. I am now determine to make a change. Just goes the parents have had a negative effect on you doesn't mean you can't change it and make all the bad characteristics into good ones. 

So off I go. :)

By the way if you want to see where I got the information the website is:
https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/fatherhood/chaptertwo.cfm

Suspicious~

My dad is suspicious of me now. Why??? Because I have suddenly decided to change my ways and exercise more, eat more healthier and be more studious. Well, he isn't really suspicious about me becoming studious but he is about me exercising more. 

You see, today I have made the decision to go walk my dog and then go for a bike ride around the neighbourhood which isn't what I normally would do when I get home. My dad wants me to go out and exercise with him instead of by myself but honestly I don't want to because being by myself allows me to think and relax. If I had my dad around me when I am out enjoying myself and exercising it just doesn't make me feel at ease. 

Anyway, during dinner, my dad asked me what made suddenly want to become more healthier and I couldn't really say the real reason I had but I couldn't think of what one at the moment. However, I really had not time to cause my mum had just making up reason why I want to become healthier which were stuff like learning something biology making me scared for my health and want to improve it. I thought that wasn't such a bad idea so I just didn't argue against it though my dad thinks I don't listen to his suggestion and listen to the teachers (>~<). Doesn't matter, the point is I have decided to make it a daily thing to walk my dog follow up with a bike ride everyday (except tuesday and friday since I got tutoring.) 

Alright, now I need to go back to study. Lots to do. TT^TT

November 11th

Today we should all take a moment and reflect back on the soldiers that has died in war.

Hope everyone remember to take a minute at 11:00 today to remember 

those brave young soldiers.

Lest we Forget. 

*Apparently today is singles day in China which I heard from my mum and

some friends because of the double 11 (November 11th 2013)*

First time I go past this day not being a single (:P), Hehe~~~ 

Feeling. . .

I have so many mixed emotions that I am so confused what I really feeling right now. 

I dont understand myself at this current moment. 

I am so confused and stressed cause everything is piling up I am not sure what I am meant to do. 

Need to clear my head. Hopefully that way I can figure something out. 

TT^TT

Science Info Day

Last thursday I attended a science info day at UNSW. I meet M.V at Strathfield before travelling to the bus stop where we would meet everyone else who was attending from our school. We were the first ones to arrive and it took us quite some time to all gather up and catch the express bus to the university.

We had 4 sessions to attend to that day and one lunch break. My first 2 sessions were both lectures with Y.L and C.G where we sat in a lecture hall and listen to the teachers tell us about a certain course. In the second session, everyone participated in a demonstrate about Alleles and got free mentos (:P). Lunch was quite interesting we had a choice of chicken, beef, ham of vegetarian which where in a green box which was quite heavy when I picked it up. We were then able to pick one piece of fruit, chocolate and a packet of chips.

I thought it was weird cause I realised we didn't get any water but it seemed that we got a lot of food until I opened the box and found this:

Oh well it was still yummy just not enough to satisfy me however we were able to get seconds cause there were left overs. All of them where vegetarian but I still got one and it tasted ok and got another water which was cold. ^.^

The third sessions it was fun and quite interesting cause we went to the chemistry labs where we looked at 2 experiment where the solution they made changes colour over time. We were then also had an experiment we had to do which was to make biodiesel fuel and then test it by burning it. Since I had all my sessions with Y.L we teamed up with an extra guy who joined us to make it. Very interesting. (^.^) At the end of the session we got some freebies.

The last session, we were in a lecture half for most of the time and towards the end we went out to a telescope where we looked at the sun. It was hot standing under the sun but overall it was still and entertain time.

Though I am not to sure about going into a science course but it was fun learning what I am able to do if I decided to go down this path. Towards the end we also got some freebies before going home.

An interesting day overall. ^.^

Spending time with Sis~~~

Last Sunday, my mum and I went out with my sister, who we both haven't seen in a while, to eat lunch and spend some time together. I have been anticipating this day since I first heard we are going to see my sister early that week.

I really do miss her. Even though I don't show it as much. I love my sister so much and admire everything she has done. But again I am worried about her cause of her health recently. She told me that she had fainted 4 times this year and that is a lot which is quite concerning.

On Saturday, my sister attend to a high tea somewhere in a hotel and apparently she didn't eat breakfast again causing her to be low on sugar levels and resulted in her unconsciousness for a couple of minutes.

My mum heard this and has been worried about my sister health planning to make meals to send over to provided her with more nutrients which I agree.

So my mum, my sister and I went to Ashfield at a chinese restaurant before going to the optometrist to get contacts and glasses for my mum and my sister. We had also checked out some phones as I wanted to change cause it is getting old and kind of crappy. For further investigation, we left for Burwood and search at other different stores where I came to the conclusion of getting either a HTC one mini phone or a Samsung 4 mini phone. I don't want an Iphone cause for one it is expensive and that I would need to change to a plan which I definitely don't want to cause I like having my prepaid plan.

As we had finished phone shopping we left for Moochi cause my sister felt like eating some I decided not to get any cause my sister had paid for so many things for me that including lunch and Easy way. When waiting for her order we bumped into a friend of my mum and they started talking which I was excluded in except when they mention that I am so skinny and tall (which I was high heels which made sense why they thought I was tall). My mum's friend wanted to bring his son to meet my sister cause he has recently completed the HSC and wanted advice on courses to take from my sister. Her son is named Leon and I haven't seen him since my sister had tutored him a long time ago. I remember he was quite nice and played with me when he was on his break from my sister tutoring.

After my sister and I waited for my mum to finish her conversation by shopping around, we grew tired and decided get my mum to finish off her conversation quickly so we can go home.

Overall, that sunday was wonderful as I was finally able to spend some time with my sister which I haven't be able to in a long time. I love her so very much. ^.^

P.S I have been meaning to post this blog last sunday but I couldn't be bother (:P). Sowwie~ Hehe~