Smiling hurts

you know there is something wrong when you smile into a camera and all u see is pain. I was playing with the snapchat filters but all I could see in each of the filters was how hard I was trying to smile. Each time I smiled and looked at myself hiding behind filters I can just see sadness and it hurts. It hurt to so me smile so forcefully. It hurt my heart to just see me faking the smile when inside I was definitely in pain. But I don't know who to turn to... there isn't anyone to turn to.

It is all the same problems or the same pain... It has just become to repetitive and I don't wanna bother anyone with it but. my heart hurts, it hurts every time I smile and it hurts every time I think. I just want it to stop and go away. why cant it do that? why cant I just be happy?

One thing after another

I don't know what's wrong these days... It is like one thing after another... it feels like depression is sinking in once again. So many things that is making me upset...

I just feel like I should be by myself for now. it feels like everything I do and say just makes things worse for me. I don't know if it is me or people around me it is just... I can't seem to do anything right recently and it is really getting to me... I think ever since Wednesday, I just been having a bad time nothing I do is turning out well.

Part of me wanna isolate myself away from the world or even just to elope and not give a damn about anything another part of me wants to leave this world... a little death wish to be honest so I can stop feeling this pain this emotion that comes at me like endless waves. I'm tired of always feeling depressed cause it now feel like everytime I am truly happy something in life has to come crashing down and turn my world upside down.

My heart my mind is losing it. I kind of sick of my life. really want to end it sometimes... sigh... I don't know what's up with me these days. maybe if I make the world believe my smile is real then maybe I will start believing in it myself or just slowly suffocate...