Inner thoughts

Mum: Do you even want this family?
Me: . . . I will be home soon ok.

*Inner thoughts*
What is so good about this family anyway? Yes, you give me shelter, food and all the necessities I need but is that really enough. They don't understand why I like being outside so much. They don't understand why I like being out with friends so much. Cause with them, I don't feel pressured and I don't feel like the world is closing in on me limiting my options. Out there in the world, I get the freedom of choice and out there with my friends I feel so happy. So maybe I don't want the family cause it brings nothing but sadness. It has never given me that home feeling and it probably never will.

I felt like crying in the hotel and I wasn't very happy. For one I was anxious about asking my parents letting me stay out one night cause I knew already that it was a "No" and I knew that I would get yelled at and guess what I did. Throughout the whole day I felt pretty depressed but I tried to ignore it and tried to not show it.

I was happy when I was out playing with my friends and was completely distracted but when I wasn't then the sadness sank in. I knew Beautiful saw it and she had asked if I was ok in the morning but Ling had told her I am just tired. I disagreed but decided to not tell them cause I didn't feel the need for it.

What made my mood drop a bit more is one I hear Ling saying he wants to go out with some girls with his best friend and bring so over to the hotel. I trust he won't do anything but just the thought of it makes me feel unease and upset about. Though I did get over this thing quickly but just the thought of family things kept me depressed.

I wanted to be stubborn and be annoyed at him so that he could try and comfort me or do something to make me happy. But I don't think he realised it or he just didn't want to over me getting upset of him going out with girls. Right now I am fine with him hanging out with them (obviously not intimate interactions). But what I wanted him to realise was I just need some comfort from him and it wasn't for the reason he think it is.

I almost cried telling my sister how things are at home but I cover it up and I did avoid looking at people until I felt the tears disappear. I just. . . I really can't deal with things at home and when my parents leave for Tasmania for 6 days I could finally just stay home and breathe normally. I can't deal with them. My family is so broken apart, no one can fix it.

Ling said he had a dark past and so did I. But I still in that dark past cause it never ends and it never had and it never will. Reason why, I am envious of his family. At times I really won't my parents to separate cause that why I only have to deal with one parent and the one parent I feel comfortable and happy to be around especially when she is burden by this constant annoying voice telling her how crap she is. SHE IS THE MOST WONDERFULLEST PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO SHOULDN'T DESERVE ALL THIS S***

I am just ranting now cause I am in a pretty depressed mood. I cry right now just thinking how messed up my family life is at the moment.