Rolling Down the Same Path Again

I don't know what is wrong with me. Is it just that time of the month again or is it just me? What was meant to be a great day turned out in disaster and we return to the same state as last time as if all the time between meant nothing at all. I know every time it is my fault, I don't wanna admit it to anyone but it is and I know it. I wanna say otherwise I wanna say I had a reason but I can't.

I have fallen back down to my depression mood. To the point that I feel worthless, useless and that there was no point of my own existence that is how low I sank and death didn't scary me as much as it did before. But I realised death was just another escape, another escape from my mistakes, my mistakes for unable to cope and adapt and change myself to be better, more patient. I really felt that my death would mean nothing to anyone, my existence on this earth was important cause I don't seem my existence to have influenced anyone on this earth.

I don't want these thoughts, so I look on the other side of things. Think of how to change. How can I change myself from being so emotional? How can I change myself to be more patient? How can I change myself to be a better person? The answer. . . is. . . I don't know. I can't think of anything.

Another thing that made me stay in this depression mood is something Ling said. . . He told me not to go out with him unless I can stay out until night. But I can't always be like that. I don't know if he understands that. He always said I care to much about what other people think. I can't make him happy and make my parents happy at the same time. If  I wanted to see him every second day I have to stay out late every second day. . . My mum would be upset that I don't spend time with her. My dad would yell at me for always going out. But if I don't I disappoint the person I love. I wanna balance things you know. I wanna be able to spend time with Ling as well as have time for my family even though this family has a lot of flaws I am the only one left my parents have. I don't think he understands that. . . I care about Ling and I wanna be able to stay with him 24/7 but if I moved out what about my mum. . . She is stuck with someone that doesn't care enough about her and only thinks of his own selfish desires. While my dad has only me to rely on since he had already ruined his relationship with my sister.

My family is so complicated and I want escape it. I want to move in with Ling and leave it all behind but I can't. They are my family after all. I can't let my mum leave in a place that she isn't treated like she deserves and even though I dislike my dad for all his selfishness and how he treats everyone else in the family, he after all is my dad and treats me alright. I am the only one in the future that could take care of him cause my sister doesn't even want anything to do with him. I am the only thing that is keeping what is left together. . . well now I realised one important thing for my existence =.=

Sigh. . . I can't make Ling happy though. I can't do anything that would make him happy. I wanna escape this pain. I honestly having so much suicidal thoughts. . . I wouldn't do it but it would be the best escape route to stop my miserable life TT^TT But I know have to stop finding escape routes and face my problems right now. . . But I just don't know how. . . Why is life so hard?

RIP Mr Liston

I don't remember much about my primary school teachers. But there is one specific teacher I remember lots about. I remember that year pretty well. That year I hanged with the wrong people got myself into trouble that I didn't wanna get into in the first place. I lost my friends cause they thought I was racist and at the time I didn't even know the meaning of it.

But Mr Liston gave me some great memories that year as well and somewhat felt that he knew I was with the wrong group of friends. I remember him with his long hair always tired in a pony tail. He had always had his guitar and often used to teacher us songs or play songs. I may be wrong but from memory I think he like the Beatles and even taught us the song 'The Yellow submarine'. I remember that we were reading 'The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe' and after every chapter he would get us to draw a scene from what he had just read so that he knew we were listening. I remember he brought Turkish delight for the class to try and I remember that I didn't like the taste. I remember he had our whole class perform in the talent quest and we were split into three groups and we all sang at different times. We might have even sang the yellow submarine but I am not to sure about that. I remember he knew that my friend and I got in trouble for going into the school building without an hall pass. I remember, he was a great teacher and one of my favourites in primary school. I didn't realised how much all these memories really meant until now.

I devastated and upset on how he died and never expected that he would leave this world like this. When I thought of my future, I always hoped that I returned to my primary school and teach and hopefully even be able to see Mr Liston again however that could never happen. . . I regret not returning back to primary school and seeing him again. I can't even imagine how upset his friends and family must be.

When I heard the news last Friday, I felt so depressed and my heart felt. . . so uncomfortable. Ever since than when I read news of his passing makes me feel upset and devastated all over again. Today I finally felt tears fall down my eyes, reading how people sent notes to the scene of his death apologising for unable to save him and thank the people who tried their best to save him and bring justice to the man how killed him.

 You were one of the best teachers in the world and I really wished that you didn't have to experience so much pain in those last minutes of your life. I hope you rest in peace Mr Liston.