I realised, I think I can hide my feelings in front of people maybe not Ling cause I still end up telling him even he did or didn't realise it. Yesterday, I was feeling really depressed and I sort was crying quite a bit but I tried to keep it quiet and maintain a normal voice when talking which seem to work. I was on a call with Beautiful and Ling. Beautiful was probably too tired and thinking about something or someone :P to have really realised that I was upset. I didn't know if Ling found out but I did try and convince by doing somethings on the game to annoy him even though I was relatively quiet which I am sometimes when I am around him.
The thing is I felt. . . not sure what word to use really but I feel like I am not being a good enough girlfriend. I seem to always disappoint Ling even sometimes he doesn't say or says it is ok but I know that he is upset and not happy about it. Every time I think about me making him feel this way I feel so upset about it and it makes wanna just cry in a corner. I feel like every argument start because of me being or moody and making big deals out of everything. I feel that he always makes me happy but then sometimes I just can't do the same. . .
It is hard for a girl especially for those who has very strict parents and don't allow you to do things or date things or just restricts everything you do. I don't wanna upset my mum after everything she does for me and tries to protect me. I don't wanna upset my dad cause he is sort of scary when he is. But then I don't wanna upset Ling cause if I do, I am always the one that gets more upset cause I know I am the reason I made him disappointed and I beat myself up for it. If I make one side happy the other side won't be. I just can't win in either situations I don't know what to do. I don't wanna chose. I hate choosing.
I don't know what to do. I really don't. It is funny how I say that my goal in my life is too make everyone around me happy but why is it so hard? I can't make everyone happy I trying but I just can't cause making one person happy would make the other one not. So what do you do in this case. Both sides are so important to me I love both my mum and Ling. I don't wanna make either side unhappy but I can't both side unhappy and then I am unhappy.
Alright I don't know what to type anymore. I am getting too emotional on this and everything that is coming out my mind is just more rambling. I am gonna end it before it get too long TT^TT
